Saturday, December 4, 2010

Hookahs, Cougars, and Highschoolers

I may be doing this a day too soon, as the weekend is not yet over, but I feel this is very much so post worthy, so I must write it!

So to update my life:

1. CWG and I still talk, but I haven't seen her since the night I made out with seven girls and she was number 3.
2. Bigirl and Tall are now close friends
3. Beard has a court date coming up regarding a girl who perioded on his leg.
4. I am currently hooking up with a Jewish girl(Jewgirl) I met at a party one night, she thinks I live at the house I met her at.
5. CCG and Cripple no longer talk, but Cripple and I see each other all the time.

So on thursday Bff came up to visit. She was pregamming with Jungle at her apartment so I met up with Bigirl, Hn1, and Tall at Tall's house to pregame with them. Soon we went to clubbar where we were pretty much the first ones in attendance.

So we get into the bar, me with 3 hot girls, and who do I run into? Cripple and her friends, all of which I know. I also meet Texas and her friends, and that pretty much covers everyone in the bar who isn't a local and pretty much makes me look like the single greatest guy in this entire town as I know every girl in attendance. Soon Bff and Jungle show up too and eventually the place gets crowded as it always does.

Now here I am standing next to Tall, who insists I rub my face in her tits, so I did. Then I realize there is an older lady, with a perfect body by the way, eyeing me, so I look to Bigirl and ask if I should go talk to her. Now also keep in mind, Beard's fantasy is to fuck a cougar, so I obviously will never pass up this opportunity...and upon Bigirl's approval, I approached.

So it turns out Cougar is 42...that is 20 years older than me...she could be my mom. She was, admittedly, a good looking cougar though, like legit. Then we started making out and she told me I was bad...which I guess I am pretty bad. Then Jegabombs and Greg each arrive and I tell both of them I'm about to fuck a cougar...and I text Beard and tell him I'm about to fuck a Cougar and I think I'm the shit. Then Cougar introduces me to her friend and says:

"This is my neighbor, I can't ditch her."

Well I'm drunk and blind to anything that isn't pussy at this point, so this doesn't mean anything to me. Regardless, I'm still making out with a cougar in a crowded bar while all my female friends laugh at me and take pictures. This probably explains why, when I went to the bathroom and returned, Cougar was gone.

From here the night turned into a great pussy search, which unfortunately ended with nothing for me...I did make out with another girl but that was only because she's a slut who tends to greet every guy that way. Then I ran into Flapper.

Flapper is Beard's CWG...I mean, he is in love with her and convinced she is the greatest girl in the world. I call her Flapper because she looks like a flapper, or, like a girl who would have been incredibly hot in the 1920's. But Flapper, every time she sees me, insists on flirting with me and if I may say, I am not above pursuing this while intoxicated. The only reason I didn't do anything with Flapper is because a fight broke out in front of us, and a chair got thrown at Bff, who wound up spraining her a most comical fashion.

That brings us to last night.

So Bigirl, Bff, and I got Chinese food, went to the mall where we meet up with Mom and Chantgirl, both of which were happy to see me for the first time since last semester. Then we went back to my house so I could shower but Bff left to meet up with Mom and Chantgirl...which I didn't really want to do. Instead, I decided to go to a party with Beard and I invited Jewgirl who told me she was with nine girls...yes that's like a whole fucking schoolbus full of 18 year old poon. We had Bigirl drop us off at this party and then she left.

After about 20 minutes at this party we learned that Jewgirl wasn't coming. We also learned that the house next-door was partying too, so Beard and I went inside. We won about three beerpong games and all ten of the people present, including about five hot girls, loved us. Then we learned they were all highschool seniors who own the house. We were partying with highschoolers and didn't even know.

Somewhere along this time, Beard gets really drunk and is stumbling all over the house. I met a black girl who is 20 and we start talking in the living room. During this, one of the highschoolers presents their hookah and I insist she light it up, so she does.

So I'm smoking a hookah, talking to a cute black girl, in a house owned by highschoolers who think Beard and I are awesome, while Beard is stumbling over furniture, and stealing beers and dvds. Regardless, I'm hitting it off Blackgirl who tells me her younger sister lives there, hence her being in this house and whatnot.

I asked her where she was from.

She goes, "Northern Manhattan."



Then I proceeded to tell her a story where I had to introduce someone who was black and I caught myself, instead of just saying "Black guy," looking over my shoulder for a black person totally forgetting I was talking to one.

So I'm pretty much in on Blackgirl and she gets up to use the bathroom. Beard then comes in and says our ride is here to take us home, so we say goodbye to the highschoolers and, unable to wait for Blackgirl to come out of the bathroom, I point to a picture of another black girl hanging on the refrigerator and say "Tell her sister I said bye." Then some random kid gave us a ride home. Fun night.

CWG is in town tonight...maybe there will be another post.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Mikee's Adventures in Tool Center

I have been back in New York since Wednesday...seeing how I don't go to class or work or do anything with my life I came home to get some money and see my home friends again.

So last night I ate a shit ton of Mexican food and then went to Andrew's house to watch the Yankees game. While watching the game, I decided Andrew would, while also pregamming for Tool Center, give me a haircut, as he insisted he was good at it. Needless to say, I was set on wearing a hat all night as a result.

So soon Pronk, Butch, Longarms, and Brittney(who Andrew is now hooking up with as a result of me) come over to pregame with us. Then the Yankees won and we all decided to go to Tool Center.

We went up to the bar we usually go to and, as I was showing the bouncer my ID, he informed me that I could not come inside with my hat. Uncertain of what I would do, he said I could throw my hat up onto a light outside and he'd watch it...I mean, doesn't seem too smart but he was convincing about it, so I heaved my hat onto a light outside and went in.

We were at this bar for like ten minutes before everyone decided we should go somewhere else, so we went down to another bar in the area, and yes, I had the bouncer get my hat from on top of the light before we left. Here, I ran into like 12 people I haven't seen since summer and we all caught up briefly.

Then I tried to get a shot I usually have in Pennsylvania, but upon asking the bartender to make me one, she told me she had no clue what was in it. Unfortunately, neither did I, so I wound up looking it up on my phone and handing her the phone to use as a guide to making the shot. This rendered more than just a shot...I had an entire mixed drink in my hand now that was orange and fruity looking, but I chugged it and got hammered. Also, I got it for free.

So then I went outside to the smoking area with most of my friends and, I don't know how or why, but someone had a tin of Skoal and they gave me a lip. So I'm spitting into a bottle and I'm drunk when I run into Butch sitting at a table with a familiar looking girl. When I got closer, I realized this girl was the bartender and she insisted I sit with them.

Also at this table however is Burntback. Burntback is a cunt I went to highschool with who I fucking hate. She is ghetto and slutty and thinks she's the shit, and she always has a way to make me feel like shit every time I see her. Also, someone threw acid at her or lit her on fire or some shit because she has disgusting char marks on her back. She also has weird ass nipples(Yes, the whole grade's seen them).

Tangent Time:

Here is an example of why I hate Burntback. In December I went to Tool Center with Longarms and Andrew and they ran to the ATM before going inside, so I went in by myself. Inside, I spotted Burntback, who is 22 years old for the record, and I assume that means she has probably grown up significantly since the last time I saw her. Instead, she goes "Oh, so you come to the bar by yourself, Mikee?" Fucking cunt.

Anyway, she is now 23 years old and still a cunt. But, getting back to the story, this table is me, Burntback, Bartender, Butch, and some random girl. Then she starts right away being a cunt towards me saying,

"Oh, I haven't seen Mikee out in a while, I didn't think he actually came out..."

I didn't say anything.

"Mikee, what the fuck is up with your hair? Did you like cut it yourself or something?"

No response.

"Seriously, who did you come here with?"

I answered by saying something along the lines of "shut the fuck up."

She goes:

"You're just mad because I would never fuck you."

Well, this is what I do best when I'm drunk with a lip in my mouth....

"Why would I ever wanna fuck you? You are an ugly piece of shit, so shut the fuck up you burnt back cunt with your ugly ass nipples."

Then the table went silent.

She said something along the lines of "Woooooooooowwwwww Mikee...seriously, get the fuck out of here."

Even Butch said, "Seriously, that was fucked up..."

But I made it a point to remain seated at that table for 15 more minutes while she changed the topic of conversation and I quietly enjoyed my victory.

Anyway, eventually Pronk came over and insisted we go back to the first bar, so me, him, Longarms, and some girl Longarms was talking to started to walk back. On the way, I told Pronk about what I said to Burntback and he thought it was great.

So we went back to the first bar, and I had to throw my hat on top of a light again, but when I got inside, everyone left but Longarms and his girl. I hung out with them for a little, feeling like a third wheel, and decided I would call my parents for a ride home(I'm awesome).

So I went outside and had the bouncer get my hat. After he did, I started to walk across the parking lot when I ran into a random girl I didn't know. From what I remember, this girl was a total guidette, fake tan and all. However, I did notice that she was the best looking out of her group of friends and we started talking.

Now I don't know how much time had passed, but she had her arms around my neck and was talking to me and we had started making out. I'm not sure exactly when, but during this a car appeared to my right. Once I realized the car wasn't moving, I glanced over to see my parents inside of it and thought "Fuck me...I forgot I called them."

So I said bye to guidette, got into my parents' car and they asked:

"Who was that girl?"

I answered: "I don't know."

"What was her name?"

"...I don't know."

And that concludes Mikee's adventures in Tool Center.

Monday, October 11, 2010

One more update about my epic Saturday

So upon being tagged in a facebook photo...not only as myself with another girl, but as that girl in a separate pic...and then asking Tall why she did that to me...I learned that there were actually seven girls that let me stick my tongue in their mouth that night.

Unfortunately, I do not know the details of this one whatsoever...I do wonder if this is the explanation for the flickering moment in my memory that a girl tried to give me a handjob, and for some reason, this seems correct. Goddammit my life is unreal.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Additional Information About Last Night

As today went on, I realized I forgot a few things that happened to me last night that I left out of the previous post(Mikee...this is your life):

1. I walked to the bar with Bigirl, Georgia, and Georgia's friend from home, who may be Boyfriendhusband but I'm not sure. While walking past a party house, he started to yell "PUSSY!" into the crowd and I told him I would not have his back if they decided to fight him.
We then went to a local bar where they serve frozen shots. The bar was inhabited by two old lady bartenders and three PA white trashers playing a game of pool. No one was able to do the frozen shots but me, so I did about four them, including everyone's leftovers.

2. I made out with six girls, but I also tried to make out with Texas, which failed as I have no clue if she is actually interested in me or just really nice and polite. I would love to bone Texas because shes innocent and hick and quiet and probably a virgin...but I cannot read this girl for the life of me.

3. Even though she has already boned me this semester, Shorty turned me down because I boned two of her friends before her...I still believe she is a keeper as our conversation immediately went to sex when we met up.

4. Shorty was also with Jersey who I conversely tried to hit on to get her jealous. This failed, and is probably why I didn't wind up bringing Shorty home with me, as the sex with her friends aspect should not have been that big of a problem.

5. CWG was visiting with Actor and a few other people from her major. Upon seeing Actor, we immediately reminisced about Smelly's foul odor.

6. CWG disrupted our conversation to run to the bathroom. When she did, I quickly went into my phone and changed her name from "Cunt girl" back to "CWG" to make sure she didn't know this had been my nickname for her since August. Not only did she still have my number in her phone, but it was still under "Mikee" and not something along the lines of, "Asshole who called me a cunt."

7. Tall and I had a lengthy conversation as to why she hates being referred to as "Tall."

8. Tall and Georiga had a friend of theirs with them who was the same height as Tall, but cuter. She probably would have been amongst the victims if she didn't leave early.

9. When I bought shots for "Other girl" and 21, I bought them both at the same time and in such a way that neither knew I was buying the other shots. Had they known, I doubt I would have made out with either.

10. After making out with both Other girl and 21, I went to the bathroom and announced that my life is awesome to all the other male patrons.

11. Also with Cripple and CCG was Zebra, who I had to buy a shot for as I owed her one. Without heels on, I realized Zebra is about my height...and is therefore absolutely beautiful.

12. CCG started to give me a handjob, then I told her I used to think she was two people which promptly ended the hand job. I then walked home by myself as a result.

13. If I ever see Other Girl or 21 again, there is no way in hell I'd recognize either. Other Girl would have probably let me bone her if I invited her back.

14. I got about three blocks away when I ran into a few lesbian girls from the rugby team. We walked together until some random kid asked if he can borrow my cellphone. I let him, but not before making him give me his wallet, removing his license, and keeping it in my pocket in case he tried to steal it. I think I said "My name is Mikee...I'm kinda a big deal around here."

15. I stopped at CVS to buy some chips. While inside, the manager asked me if I was buying something because "they had trouble already that night." I thought it was kinda ridiculous until I learned that there was, apparently, a shooting there earlier in the night.

16. I made out with six different girls...that is a record...and CWG and I are friends again and she kinda knows that I strongly believe her vagina is like no other's. She seems to be open to this.

Mikee's texts from last night:


me: guess how many girls I just made out with
Georgia: how many?
Me: ...guess
Georgia: 4?
Me: 7.
Georgia: wow, you whore.
Me: Number 3 was CWG...
Georgia: Hahahahahhaa
Me: Dino had sloppy firsts!


Me: (11:30)Hi you're cute
Me: (12:25)Hi you're cute
Me: (1:45)Hi you're cute...what you doin?
Me: (2:15)Hi come hang out


Me: (12:14) Balls.


Me: (1:14) Hi, I'm happy we made up but I'm sorry for being creepy about it.
CWG: (1:28)You weren't, its okay.
Me: (1:45) Hi you're cute


Me: (12:44)I just made out with the cunt
Me: (1:46)I just made out with seven girls


Me: (12:44)I just kissed the cunt


Me: Hi you're cute

Mikee...Welcome to your life!

In all honesty, I cannot believe I just had the night I had.

So yesterday, Beard woke me up at like 10am so we can start drinking. Now, it was homecoming weekend and Tim and Mac were at the rugby game, but we stayed at the house to hang out.

At about 2pm, after a few beers, Bigirl came over to drink with us. Then at about 4, BFF, who was visiting for the night, came over to drink with us. Then at 8, Georgia joined us for some drinking as well. Then Beard passed out, Bff disappeared, and Bigirl, Georgia, and I walked to the bars.

So its Dino's birthday and I decided to text her:

Me: Happy birthday!
Dino: Thanks Mikee
Me: Np Dino (Yes I drunkenly called her Dino)

So we go to Chillbar but then I get a text from Shorty saying she's at Sportsbar, so I try to convince Bigirl to come to Sportsbar with me. While I was waiting for her, I spotted a girl that looked really familar, and it took me a moment to realize/remember this girl existed, but it was Dino's twin sister. The catch is, Dino's twin sister doesn't even know I exist, so I had to basically walk over to her and say, "Hey, you look like Dino..."

Well then Dino's twin sister pointed to Dino and said she was visiting too. So then I had to buy Dino a birthday shot...then I had to buy Dino's twin sister a birthday shot since twins share birthdays. Then Bigirl and I went to Sportsbar for a little.

So we walked into Sportsbar and the bouncer IDed us and walked away. This prompted me to stand at the door for a moment when a bunch of people walked up and handed me their licenses. So I started to charge them covers, but then my conscious set in and I told them I wasn't actually employed by the bar and I felt like a douche...thankfully they laughed and waited for the bouncer to return.

Then I walked around Sportsbar until I spotted Shorty. I lost Bigirl in this process, but caught up with Shorty, who was now passionately telling me:

"Wait, you fucked my friend Berries. I don't think I wanna talk to you anymore."

So I'm spewing out all these fucking lies, saying Berries and I never fucked...saying stuff like:

"The condon broke...I couldn't cum...she wasn't hot enough for me to finish."

Well none of that was enough to convince her to fuck me again, so I settled on making out with her and went back to Chillbar.

when I arrived, Georgia told me Bigirl had left and I eventually got bored. I went back to Sportsbar but not before saying goodbye to Dino...and as a goodbye, I asked her for a kiss...we made out briefly.

So then I was back in Sportsbar, and I feel like I was waiting for someone because I was just standing somewhere. Then a rediculously familar looking girl started to walk past............

Me: Hey.


CWG: Oh, hey Mikee!

No, I'm not lying and I cannot make this up...CWG(I can no longer call her cuntgirl after this night) is back and I am amazed.

Me: You hate me right?
CWG: No, I don't hate you
Me: how do you not hate me? ...I called you the worst word ever.
CWG: Okay, I hated you for like a week, but I don't anymore
(Now drunk Mikee sets in)
Me: Seriously, I was crazy about you and then I called you a cunt, and I'm pretty sure if a guy really likes a girl, hes not supposed to call her a cunt...(additional rediculous compliments)

I might have said something about her being an important character in my novel( the novelized blog) and made her promise not to sue me for deffirmation of character.

Then I told her that I really liked her still...and could use a kiss. Then I made out with CWG again for the first time since like May. Then I texted basically everyone in my phone to say that I just made out with CWG.

Then I walked outside and ran into Bff and Jungle, who were going to CBOS. This had been the first time I saw Jungle in a while, and remember, this is DrunkMikee, so I went up to her, put my arm around her, and said:

"I always wanted to fuck a black girl."

Thankfully, she has a sense of humor and laughed at this. Then Shorty appeared and we were waiting on the long ass line to get into CBOS. Then I decided I didn't wanna go in anymore, so I left.

Now I don't remember if I was by myself or not, but I decided I was gonna go to Clubbar.

So some girl was wearing a tiarra reading "21," which, I guess, means it was her birthday so I decided to buy her a shot. While talking to her though, I saw another girl and decided to buy her a shot too. Neither girl knew the other existed though, so I was standing at the bar buying three cement mixers(for 21 and her friend) and 2 red deaths for me and other girl.

After our red deaths, other girl goes "Thanks....oh btw, I'm gay..." and walks away. So I decided I should walk away too, but not before telling 21 that I wanted a kiss.

Then I made out with 21.

Then I found that other girl and I told her I didn't believe she was gay. She tried to convince she making out with me.

Then I saw Cripple and CCF who I had to buy shots for. Then CCF and I started to make out.

Then I started to walk home by myself. I was on the phone with Bff going, "WTF I am fucking ugly but I just made out with like 23 girl in one night....not to mention CWG...I do not deserve this!"

So looking back, it wasn't 23 girls...but rather six girls...and I still went home by myself. (I'm too lazy/tired to spellcheck/proof read this so fuck off)

Sunday, October 3, 2010

The Racist Roommate

So last night Beard and I went to the other house for the post game party. The team had won an away game, which neither of us attended, but Mack insisted we come to the party anyway, so we did.

We started to pregame and I got Mack to partake in his first power hour, which ended after 20 minutes as he was unaware of how powerful a power hour really was. Then I bought a couple of 40's, as we didn't want to pay for beer, and walked to the house.

So Beard and I were on the back porch hanging out when someone tapped me on the shoulder. It was a was 11 and cops had already come. The cop asked if I was the owner, I said no and found the closest owner who was over 21, and then someone else assured the cop that the remaining people on the porch were all 21(everyone underage either went inside or ran away). The cop responded by saying we all had to go anyway, and that, unless anyone was peeing in public or had an open container, he would "not pursue us." So I called him a douche and we left.

Beard and I, with our open 40's, went to a party down the block. This party was at a house owned by only girls who were absolutely horrible at crowd control, so this was kinda funny. Then Beard and I had the revelation that parties thrown by girls are usually only attended by dudes, and we realized this house was an absolute sausage fest, so we went back to rugby.

After a little while back here, and upon seeing Mack who was with his new girlfriend...who would be an attractive girl if she wasn't six feet tall, Beard and I started talking to this girl. This girl, who I remember, had large ass gums...a total turnoff for me, but upon learning I was also from New York, she insisted she have my number. This was the second thing I said to her.

So I pulled out of the conversation and let her talk to Beard...who then started to make out with her. Then the girl beside me goes:

"What the fuck? Really?"

I asked her why she had such a startled reaction only to learn that this girl was her roommate. She then went on by saying:

"She always brings home guys...and she is ugly as fuck! And now I'll have no where to sleep because she'll be using the room!"

Well it doesn't take a genius to offer this girl a bed. I also agreed that her roommate was ugly as fuck and offered to walk her back to the dorms...also after telling her that her roomie was getting with my roomie. She replied:

"Good because I don't wanna walk by myself...I don't wanna get raped by some black dude."

I didn't think anything of this, but we watched as Beard and uggo kinda hoping he would take her back to her place so I could bang this girl. He took her back to ours though, as I learned through a text from Mack, and so I finished my beer and started to walk home with her.

As we left, she called her friend. On the phone, she goes:

"I'm walking home with someone named Mikee. He's about my height, has a scruffy beard, brown hair, brown sweatshirt, and white shoes...if I don't make it back."

Now I wasn't sure if I should be insulted or...who am I kidding, I was kinda insulted but I'm used to shit like this. So I grabbed the phone and told whoever was on the other end what my full name was, where i lived, and what my number was. That put her at ease.

Then she goes:

"He's not black, so I should be fine."

This is the point that I realized that this girl was a flaming racist. It was kinda funny because, I mean, she was just openly afraid of black people, and I was walking her home. Then she tripped over a curb because Karma is a bitch and I had to help her up and what not...while saying it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Also, there were a bunch of black people walking too and she made me stop walking so they could pass us...I guess, because she didn't want to get raped.

Anyway, we got back to her dorm and she said goodbye...I kinda knew I wasn't getting any when she needed to call her friend and give out a Just-in-case Amber Alert. But she took down my number, for some reason, and went inside and I walked home...having been an excellent wingman for Beard. It was fun.

Friday, September 24, 2010

The Cute Friend of the Cripled Girl I Hooked Up With Who Wasn't Actually Two People

So last night my female attention whore of a dog jumped onto the kitchen table and ate my dinner. She then proceeded to throw it up on the kitchen floor, so I locked her upstairs and let the puppy run free. Then I made Hn1 clean up the vomit.

Anyway, we went out, Me, Beard, Hn1 and Bigirl, Beard trying to get with Bigirl now. We were in Clubbar when we ran into Cripple and CCG2 so I bought them shots. Then we started talking, I actually didn't recognize Cripple at first because she is no longer crippled, but I was saying that I seem to see her out all the time and we should hang out more often.

So CCG2 keeps saying how I'm really nice and insists on me giving her my number, so she takes it down and calls me....And well, this is where I see the effects alcohol have on me....see, CCG2 has the same exact first name as CCG1, the same exact friend on crutches as CCG1, and apparently, as I learned last night, the same exact phone number. So yes, There is only one CCG, although it was cool to think that Cripple had two friends with the same first name that I hooked up with, I guess this makes a shitload of more sense.

Then Hn1 runs into Kingtool who recognizes me and buys me a couple of shots, which was pretty cool. Then I saw Jegabombs and he buys me a couple of shots. Then I saw our friend Greg, who I hang out with a lot recently, and he buys me a couple of shots.

So anyway, Beard went home with Bigirl and Greg and I went to Chillbar where we met up with Georgia and, apparently, I angered some black guy who was trying to get with her, but Greg and a few other rugby buddies told him to fuck off, so he did.

Anyway, Greg and I were at the bar and this hot but ridiculously drunk girl is standing next to us. So Greg points to me and tells the girl I need a kiss. Next thing I know, I'm making out with a hot drunk stranger who I didn't say a single word to.

Then I somehow got a ride home with Hn1 and her boyfriend, but there were like eight of us in a van, and I didn't know any of them, and if I ever saw any of them again, I feel like I still wouldn't know them. But anyway, I get home to where Tim's girlfriend is about to walk the dogs, but me, drunk, offers to do it instead. So she puts the dogs on their leashes and hands them to me, to which I reply, "What the fuck is this?" And she goes, "Um...the dogs?"

Also, by this point, CCG(1and2) is talking to me via text and she says "Most guys would fuck a girl before going on a date with her." So I had to reply by saying I wouldn' we have a date set up for I don't know when, which I guess is pretty cool.

That's pretty much my night.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Who the fuck did I make out with last night?

So I prepared all day yesterday to go out last night, and I heard that, amongst other things, Shorty would be up to visit this weekend(but she won't be here until tonight) and both Bigirl and Hn1 kept texting me about going out, so yeah, I was happy.

So I waited for Beard to get back from work and, after he showered, he told me he felt sick and had a lot of homework to catch up on, so he was uncertain as to whether or not he wanted to go out. So I got a quarter and I said, best two out of three, heads=we go out, tails=you drive me to the bar. Well I hit heads twice in a row, so he was coming out.

We arrived at Clubbar after eleven, which meant we had to pay cover, which kinda sucked, but Birgirl and Hn1 were there so we hung out for a little. Then I saw Cripple girl, from the last post, walk in with her fucking crutches and whatnot and I asked Beard if it was the same girl, he said it was, so I grabbed Hn1 and walked over(still uncertain why I didn't just go with Beard).

So I tapped Cripple on the arm and basically yelled "Cripple!" and asked if she remembered me, which she did, so I bought her shots...her and her seven friends or so. Here is a run down of her friends:

Zebra-tall sexy ass blond girl who wound up missing out on the shots because I didn't get enough...for the rest of the night, I would insist I'd pay her back and she was welcoming to this.
Manly-A girl who basically resembled the female German soldier from Inglorious Basterds in the basement scene where everyone dies.
Tanker-Zebra's brunette friend who can probably out drink me.
Rugan-On the girl's rugby team, not a dyke or a bitch, but she also looks exactly like a retarded cunt I went to highschool with, which isn't her fault.
CCG2(cripple's cute friend)-Yes number 2. CCG1 was not around, but both CCG's have the same exact first name, which I thought was unusual.

So anyway CCG2 and I started talking and she insists she knows me, which I am clueless to; I am positive she was not CCG1, and I know the post probably suggests that she is at this point, seeing how they both have the same first name and are friends with Cripple. Anyway, CCG2 tells me that we met at the rugby party the previous weekend(A post I will put up in a couple weeks, as there is an investigation going on I can't talk about), and for the life of me, I cannot remember her at all.

Then I turn around and spot Mikee2 and of course, I buy him a shot as well. He asks me what happened to CWG, as he just noticed we were no longer facebook friends, so I tell him about how she cuntified herself and we briefly catch up.

Then CCG2 and I do another shot. Then we make out. Then I tell Beard that Cripple has two cute friends with the same first name and I made out with both of them. By this point, Hn1 and Bigirl left and we decided to go to Chillbar, so I said goodbye to CCG2 and we headed over.

In Chillbar, I started talking to these two girls who, I can't say I remember, if either of them were cute, but they were locals and not college students, and they were not too old. So I bought them shots and then one introduced me to her boyfriend, who was cool, and I told the other I was unemployed and she asked me if I wanted a job. So her number is saved in my phone as "Job."

Then on our way home I got somewhat horny and I texted Job to see if she was still up. She did not respond. I probably won't get a job...I don't even know what kind of job it would have been.

Anyway...Shorty is single! And She is visiting tonight! Shorty, if you forgot, is the girl who cleaned my piss off a hotdog cart in Miami so that I wouldn't get arrested...she also cheated on her boyfriend with me more than once...She is a keeper.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Fall Semester...Already Awesome!

So I now live in the new house with three other people:

Tim-a 27 year old army vet, who is now pursuing his education
Beard-just turned 21, probably my closest friend on the team
Mack-Team captain, tall built ginger kid.

To give somewhat more background here, when Hn1 and I were really close, but after we had done all our fucking and whatnot, I was trying to set her up with guys on the team. I successfully set her up with Beard, but the two decided that they didn't like each other and nothing happened. She also tried to get with Tim, as Tim informed me, but he avoided this because he had a girlfriend. Tim asked me not to bring her by the house but I don't know if I can keep that promise.

Also, my bedroom door is broken...seriously, the door is strait up broken, so I told Bigirl who said she would come over and install a deadbolt for me, without me even asking. She is awesome.

Anyway I got my room set up otherwise, and went out applying for jobs so I could make money while not going to class. I walked into CVS to apply, and there were about 382 hot ass girls working there, so I'm pretty passionate about getting this job.

Anyway, Beard and Mack tell me about the rugby party that(last) night and we decide to roll through.

Tangent Time:

Thursday night, Beard and I went out to chillbar to meet up with Georgia and Tall. Here, we started talking to one of Georgia's friends who, upon seeing that I had a blackberry too, insisted on giving me her bbm. The one problem was, I had literally said three words to her before getting her number, and I think she only gave me her number because we both had the same type of phone. But anyway, Beard thinks I had some kind of awesome ass pick up line so he loves going out with me already. At the end of the night, however, the girl lost her phone so having her number was completely useless.

Anyway, we head over to rugby house1(we live in house2) for a little while as all these freshmen, who just moved in today, are getting drunk at their first ever college party. Then cops come and everyone who is not 21 leaves, including Mack who has another month to go, so Beard and I decide to go to the bars.

Now here is the one thing about Beard, when he gets drunk, he tends to kinda lose control of certain situations. I am kinda there now to keep him in line, being a somewhat responsible drunk and whatnot, and I'm okay with that because he is an awesome wingman and way better looking than I will ever be...its up to the girl, if she wants tall and handsome, go with Beard, but if she wants short, cute and funny, I'm right beside him.

So we walk into Chillbar and we head into the back where I spot one of Bff's old roommates at a table of girls. Now I define this entire table as being full of 65%'s, or girls that seem to only put 65% of their effort into appearance. As for Bff's former roommate, she is butt ugly, I feel...if I was to compare her looks to someone else, I'd say she resembled Juror number 2 in 12 Angry Men.

Anyway, I start talking to this one 65% who I can tell is probably a decent looking girl, and everyone else leaves the table except for Beard and the girl he's talking to, me and her, and this fat ugly cunt who is miserable about being by herself. Now, I was making fucking moves here, I'm dropping compliments that should have gotten me in! But this fat cunt has to exercise her power to cockblock and goes "No, we have to go NOW!" And takes our girls away from us. Bitch.

So Beard and I grab a booth and I see a girl on crutches walk past with one of her friends. Now I'm drunk, so I start a "Cripple!" chant, but then I buy her and her friend shots and its all cool.

Then Beard asks who I'm buying shots for and I say, while introducing them, they're for "Cripple," and "Cripple's cute friend." So now Cripple's cute friend(CCF), is kinda into me because I said she was cute and girls like that, and we start talking. We exchange numbers and what not, and while watching Beard talk with Cripple, who by the way, broke her ankle in Atlantic City somehow, his 65% from earlier returned and they went somewhere together. Then CCF goes:

"You're like the nicest guy here...Everyone saw my friend was on crutches and they ignored us, but you actually bought us shots. Why can't more guys be like you?"

...then we started making out. Then the bar closed and we said goodbye, and Beard lost sight of his 65%, said goodnight to the other girls, and we went to get pizza.

So in the pizza place, we wound up sitting with the girl's rugby team who, for the record, are some of the biggest cunts on the planet. Because of this, I avoided hanging out with them, so none of them really know me. So I'm sitting at this table, eating food scraps by the way, don't ask me why (there was a plate of leftover pizza from someone else i was just picking at), and these girls get into a fight with me because they think I'm lying when I say I'm on the team. One girl, this lesbian butch ass cunt, is yelling at me, from the next table, "Get out of my face!" I just reply by pointing out how we were seated at different tables.

So I urge Beard out of the pizza place before the fight gets physical, he was drunk and probably willing to do anything, and rugby girls will fight boys because they're butch cunts. Anyway, we head over to another house we heard there was a party at, and we walked inside to find that there was absolutely no one around. It was clear, however, that a party has just occurred seeing how all the shit was left was some Resident Evil looking shit in there. So Beard and I get ready to leave, but not before I decide to grab a painting off the wall and take it with us.

So now there is a new painting in our living room, CCF is texting me, and Bigirl is here installing a deadbolt into my bedroom door. Life is awesome.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

There is a novel

Attention readers: I have turned most of the blog into a novel and have already written a rough draft. I will try to publish it, but it will probably offend a lot of people and take about a year. That is all.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

RA: The Untold Story

About a year ago, when Hank and I moved into our apartment upstairs, I remember meeting up with him in the parking lot outside. We moved our stuff into our room, met the youngings for the first time, and then Hank assured me that, seeing how we were on the top floor, there was a possibility we could move away the ceiling tiles and walk above the ceiling. This was the Younging's introduction to us, Hank and I emerging from the ceiling with flashlights, it was pretty cool.

So anyway, we were rather bitter about the whole school buying our apartment building thing, and upon learning that they'd be giving us an ra, Hank was probably more pissed than he'd ever been, and I don't blame him, I mean, after spending like 7 semesters of college without an ra just to get one for your final semester, I'd be pissed too.

But then I went into the hallway where the ra, who lived across the hall from us, was ready to introduce herself. After our brief introduction, she tells me that there is a mandatory meeting at 7, which I reply by saying I would not be there because I had to go to dinner with my parents. She was kinda upset about this...I soon atoned her reaction to the fact that our introduction took place at 6:55, and the meeting which I "had to miss," was only five minutes in the future. It didn't matter.

So Hank and I grew fascinated with the apartment across the hall, mostly because of the two hot girls who lived there(Hn1 and Hn2) that we were yet to socialize with. I remember we briefly said hello to each other a few times, but the first extended socializing either of us had with the hot neighbors was when I was sleeping in the living room and I heard them banging on their door.

I opened my door, mostly because they were loud and it was 3am, only to learn that they had went out and were now returning drunk and locked out of their apartment. This is when we started talking and what not, and got pretty close with each other, and whatever, and made plans to actually hang out some time.

A couple of days later, Hank and I were playing Call of Duty when there was a knock on our door to reveal RA, Hn1, and Hn2 jokingly saying they were gonna confiscate our alcohol. They revealed it to be a joke and then RA, who I didn't realize was the RA, invited us across the hall to drink with them:

RA: Come across the hall and drink with us!
Me: Okay...but isn't that where the RA lives?
RA: ...I am the RA
Me: Okay, be right there.

So we drink in the RA's apartment with Hn1, Hn2, and RA and then Hank and I go outside to smoke weed with RA, and she gets hammered. So she's sitting next to me on the couch and just keeps yelling "I wanna make outtt!" and I would have done this except I was 85% certain she had a boyfriend, so I didn't. She was also grotesquely eating a bowl of ceriel at the time, which kinda turned me off.

Well soon the alcohol was finished and we went back to our apartment.

So fast forward a couple of weeks. Hank and I went out to the bars and returned hammered. we get up to our hallway and Hank decides to take a piss on the wall opposite our apartment. At the same time, I decide to grab a marker and write the word "vagina" in big black letters all over the walls.

At the end of that week, there was a "mandatory floor meeting," which I assumed would be all my fault, but it was not thankfully. RA simply made a small footnote about the person who vandalized the walls, saying she would find out who it was.

So then it was Halloween and me and the hot neighbors were discussing going out to a party together; I had said that both Hank and Bff wouldn't be around that weekend, and I kinda wanted someone to hang out with, so they were open to it.

So the night comes and I get ready to go out with them. I went across the hall to where the hot neighbors were getting ready and found that RA was getting ready too, and she was excited to be coming out with us. Also present was Hn2's older brother, who was a pretty cool kid.

So the five of us went out to this frat party and Hn2's brother and I are running the beer pong table when, somehow, he gets into a fight and is promptly kicked out. Hn2 leaves with him, leaving just me, RA, and Hn1.

So RA and I are talking and she says she broke up with her boyfriend, whatever. Now I'm not entirely sure how it got to this point, but we started making out. While this is happening, some drunk kid bumps into a small bar set up in the living room and I see, out of the corner of my eye, this bar is about to fall over, so I break away from RA, mid make out, and save the falling bar, prompting the entire frat to cheer for me.

Also, at this point, I am parading around the party saying "She is my RA!"

So anyway, we get back to the apartment, hang out for a little, and then she passes out in my bed, and I do too, we don't do anything. Then she leaves, and I assume it was all a one night thing until I find a note on my door from her. She said she wants to hang out again and whatnot, and has neatly written my name "Mikee" on the outside of the note. So I start to write her a note back, and as I'm going to write her name on the outside of the note, I realize that her real name, and the word, "vagina," have a lot of common letters in them, and all she really had to do was turn around to realize that she made out with the fucker who vandalized her hallway. Needless to say, I try to disguise my writing.

Well we hang out again, we bone a few times, and then we start going out, and I slowly start to realize how shitty of a person she is. First off, she always complains about money, she always says that "money is pointless and fake," but every time she got a paycheck, she would just spend that shit immediately and then be broke because "money is pointless and fake," again. She also revealed to me what she considered to be her darkest secret: she had ovarian cancer, and me, being a dipshit, felt bad for her and did not care about that. On the plus side, she assured me that she found out who vandalized her hallway, saying that one of Hn1's friends took credit for it. Now I don't know who is douchier here, me, who is going out with the RA after vandalizing the hallway, or the fucking douche who took credit for it.

Some time passes and she decides that she will not go back to school because of her health(that wasn't why) but seeing how she doesn't talk to her mom and her dad lives in Texas, she needed somewhere to stay. Well I solved this: Ben had an extra room in his house, so I introduced the two and they began to live together.

Now I'm not sure when I pissed her off exactly, it might have been when I asked why a beautiful girl like Hn1 was single or it might have been when I acted like a douche one time while drunk, but I somehow learned that we weren't actually going out anymore(yes I learned this, we did not break up, she just decided she didn't want a boyfriend anymore). I learned this on a Thursday, and how lucky I was to learn that on the following Friday, Ben was throwing an epic house party.

Well I went to the party, got really drunk, got into a fight with RA in her bedroom, and then passed out on her bedroom floor wrapped in curtains. The fight kinda settled everything between us to not be awkward anymore and established that we had definitely broken up and what not, plus I was more interested in her hot roommates anyway, so everything was fine.

Then the semester ended, we went our own ways, and one day in early December, Ben called me and said that RA was moving out. I didn't mind this at all obviously.

So Spring semester started, Hn1, Hn2 and I got a lot closer and we started hanging out more. About a week into the semester, I learn that RA is coming back to visit(she had dropped out of school and was living about 40 minutes away). So the four of us hung out in my living room and I listened to the girls catch up on things. Then RA started talking about her new boyfriend, which made me switch on my 360 and start playing Call of Duty. Hn2 yelled at me, saying that was rude, but come on, seriously, whose the rude one in this situation?

Towards the end of that night, I asked RA, in private, how her "health situation" was. She said she didn't know what I was talking about, so I said, "um, your...ovarian cancer..." Upon gaging her reaction to this, I established that she was, hands down the worst person in the world, and can only assume she never had cancer. Cunt.

So I haven't spoken to her at all since. She did write on my facebook wall a while ago, and I don't think I actually answered her because I really don't care about her whatsoever. Also, in the time since, I have hooked up with both Hn1 and Hn2, so fuck you RA, you cunt, I don't care if you die tomorrow.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Last Night

Allow me to start off by saying, since calling CWG a cunt, that word has increased in my vocabulary exponentially, and that is probably such a bad thing.

Anyway, last night we went to Tool Center to spend a shit ton of money and what not. Everyone was pregamming at Andrew's house, which is literally around the corner from mine, so I loaded up a backpack with leftover expensive beer my dad bought for his party last weekend, and started to walk there, the glass bottles clanking all the way. Seriously, I sounded like a fucking old time prison where people just bang cups on the bars....a one man old time prison.

Anyway, we pregame and I decide my shirt is too tight, but instead of going home and changing it, which would have literally taken ten minutes, I decide to pound beer. This was unusual because my dad's taste in beer is highly exquisite, so I'm pregamming with Blue Moons, Peronis, and Coronas. Needless to say, I feel a shit brewing and decide to run downstairs and expel it...greatest decision of my night.

So anyway we arrive at the bar, we being myself, Andrew, Monotone, Sprick, Bitter, Jegabombs, and Slappy2. We are also joined by Stout, an ex friend of ours we hardly see, he is about 5'2 and is a cocky asshole, and cries a lot, yet always gets girlfriends. Now I got a somewhat hook up at the back bar because I always tip this one bartender pretty good, but I spent 80 bucks regardless, that doesn't matter, shit is expensive in New York.

Anyway, Britt texts me and says shes at the bar so I find her...and I find out why she is at the bar...this is because her close friend from highschool has just turned 21, and who is her close friend....Cousin1.

Tangent time:

I started dating cousin1 when I was a senior in highschool, and I even went to prom with her. Everything went awry however when she decided to hook up with Andrew on my birthday. I was okay with this because when her birthday came around, exactly five years ago, I hooked up with her first cousin, Cousin2. Cousin2 and I then proceeded to date for three years, three years that destroyed my collegiate life, IMO.
Anyway, its been about 2 years since I broke up with Cousin2, we got close again around last Easter, and I thought we may get back together, but I doubt that will happen at all now. As for Cousin1, I haven't said a word to her in five years, I mean, is there a better way to say "fuck you, its over," then to date someones first cousin for 3 years?

So back to the story. Upon seeing Cousin1 in the bar, I leaned over to Slappy2 and Jegabombs and told them to prepare for the most awkward moment ever. I was also content to just avoid her, as obviously she has every reason in the world to just despise me. But suddenly there she was, excited to see me and hanging on me yelling "its my birthdaaaaaaayyyy!"

So we got to talking and she goes "I still have that Buildabear you made me!" ...

...Tangent Time...

Yes, I made her a buildabear. Worst experience of my life. When we were dating she always talked about wanting a buildabear, she even made me a buildabear, which, seriously, what the fuck am I gonna do with a buildabear? I still have it somewhere too, collecting dust..

Okay so back to the story. I say "Oh yeah, I totally still have the one you made me too..." But she refuses to believe me, so I invite her to my house to see it, and she says yes, but we get sidetracked about something I offer to buy her birthday shots.

Now Cousin1 was hammered, so really a birthday shot was kinda adding fuel to the fire. I didn't care and we went to the back bar where my friend worked so I could get the hook up. When we arrived, Bitter was standing in front of the bar, and he turned around to me and said to give him cover. I didn't know what this meant until I realized he was taking a piss...while looking the bar tender in the face, he was taking a piss under the bar. For the record, hes done this many times.

So Cousin1 and I do these shots and then we start making out, which I can only attribute to her being drunk. Well, she must have been really drunk because next thing I knew, her hand was on my dick. Well, I was accepting, and we went outside somewhere and she started giving me a blow job, but the thing about Tool Center is that cops just patrol around the whole place, so this is one paranoid ass blow job. Kids are walking past us, I can see the traffic on the nearby highway, some old man gives me a thumbs up, I had to abandon ship on the blowjob because it just wasn't working.

So we head back to the bar, my dick still covered in her saliva, and we try to find everyone else. Then the bitch tries to kiss me again and I told her we were done with that, seeing how I don't want my dick in my mouth, and she went off to do God knows what.

Anyway, I run into Monotone again who is intent on asking how we would be getting home. We were unable to find anyone else, and I decide to call my parents to come get us; it was like 3:30. So we sit in a booth waiting for them and this really drunk girl starts talking to him, and he learns that they live in the same exact apartment complex at school, and its a glorious moment for anyone who is not a third wheel.

Anyway, my parents say they have arrived and while starting outside to get into the car, we run into Stout who asks how we're getting home. I was drunk so I said he could come with.

Now Monotone is aware of this, but Stout has never been in the car with me and my parents when I am hammered but I just start saying the most obnoxious shit, while starting Taco Bell chants. So I start talking about CWG being a cunt, and Stout is appalled that I would say something like that in front of my parents. Then Monotone and I engaged in a conversation about the word "cunt," and we included my parents in it, and decided cunt is not a bad word...Stout is just in the backseat appalled the whole time.

Anyway, we get Taco Bell, drop Stout off, and I go home and pass out with my laptop open like a dickwad. Fun night.

I also woke up to a facebook message from Cousin1: "Good seeing you again ;)" ...I'm seriously down with not taking this any further.

Sunday, August 8, 2010


So I was originally planning to leave Pennsylvania on Saturday, but I was convinced by Georgia to stay another night. To give some background as to why Georgia and I have gotten this close, I think I've said before that she used to be married and it kinda creeps me out, well back in Georgia, her and her husband have "worked things out" where they are technically dating but seeing how they are each in different states, they are both free to fuck whoever they want. My intentions to get it in have really escalated our conversations.

Also aiding my desire to stay was Marcus. See, she was really cute, I thought, and we somehow got along pretty well. The problem was that, after getting ready for the night planning to maybe do something good with her, I learned that this was her last night in Pennsylvania before moving to Connecticut or some shit to start her post-college life. Now I know I'm not nearly tall enough for her but I'd hate myself for not trying.

So Georgia picked me up from my house and she insisted we drive down to Bethlehem for some intense, large ass music shit. She then proceeded to pick up Tall and Marcus and we started to drive to Bethlehem, drinking the whole way down. In the car, I disclose the comment I left to CWG and ask for advice on the apology, they all respond saying she deserved to be called a cunt because she was acting like a cunt...guess girls see things like this way differently.

So we arrive at this music thing, which is apparently a big deal because it strait up attracted like half of Pennsylvania. There are all these large ass parking lots with buses that take you to the festival, and we parked in one and waited for the bus. The crowd of people on the bus, I can only refer to as "Fedora City," since everyone seemed to be wearing fedoras.

So I took a seat next to Marcus and she began telling me about her life, as we drove past the abandon steel mill which was illuminated in all these different colors for some was actually pretty cool. Anyway she tells me about moving to some other state and we talk about our upbringings/ex's...Basically laying foundation for the pipe laying.

So anyway we arrived at the festival and I learned that Bff was actually there too, and I'm trying to give her directions to where we are so we can meet up. The problem is the festival is a never ending platoon of booths and stages and bridges and steel and shit, so no matter how we tried to decipher each other's locations, it was almost impossible.

So we went to this tent where this band was playing underneath and we took a seat, Marcus and I on one side and Tall and Georgia on the other.

Then Georgia got a phonecall from her husband/boyfriend and walked away to take it. In the mean time, this random ass girl just started dancing, like right in the middle of the aisle she started dancing nonstop. It was like she was on ecstasy, but I couldn't even compare it to that because she looked as white trash as possible, so I compare it to the Vietnamese girl in that chapter of "The Things They Carried" whose city was being destroyed by Tim O'Brien's platton but she was just dancing.

Anyway, Marcus thinks this is hilarious, and we're filming her with our phones. Then I look around and realize that she has attracted a crowd and everyone is filming her with their phones. Even a random old lady stops us and asks if we're filming her, thinking this is funny.

So anyway I gotta get up to take a piss and I walk to the porto-poties down the block. There about 84 poties set up in a row and there is a line of one person in front of each, so I jump behind someone and wait.

This fucker goes in to take a piss and literally takes like 20 minutes. So I turned around to whoever was behind me and said

"What did I get the guy shitting, or something?"

Well, unknown to me at the time, these were unisex poties and of course there is a 16 year old girl behind me on line who is not sure if she should laugh or be creeped out. Thankfully, the guy finished and I walked very fast inside to take my piss.

So on my way back I walked past another booth selling tickets and decided to buy ten more dollars worth so I could keep buying beer-you were only able to pay in tickets. So I went back to the bar, on my way to the tent, only to learn that it was 10:31 and the fucking bar closes at 10:30! So needless to say, I'm kinda pissed.

Then I return to the girls where Georgia is beyond upset. I ask what happened and Marcus tells me that she got into a fight with boyfriendhusband and whatever. Now keep in mind, it is very crowded, so we somehow have to split up into twos, Marcus and Tall, Georgia and me. I take Georgia over to a booth to try and spend my tickets and wind up having to purchase four smoothies, one for each of us!

So we find Tall and Marcus and they are talking to some guy they knew who was maybe 30. He starts telling a story about how a bouncer in one of the bars by us caught him fucking his girlfriend so he beat him over the head with a wine bottle, it was a great story and I felt pretty dim in roided motherfucker ever hit me with a bottle. So I was pretty entertained, and felt bad because I didn't bring him a smoothie.

So anyway soon we have to say goodbye to older story guy and we walked back to where the bus was supposed to pick us up. Georgia and I are walking like arm in arm and shit and I mention to Marcus that I still had tickets, and she says that she knows people who will be back and can spend them. I give her the tickets in exchange for her buying me a beer or two when we go to the bar.

Then Georgia tells me that she is in a bad mood and will not go to the bar. I assume I can have a bar night with the other two though, only to learn that now they don't wanna go either. I figured that by the time we got back, it would be like 1:30 anyway, so it wasn't necessary...even though it meant Marcus would not repay me for the tickets.

Anyway we get onto the bus and I let Georgia read what I have typed out as an apology to CWG but she tells me again that I shouldn't apologise. I planned on apologising anyway, naturally.

So we get back to the car and I get to sit shotgun with Marcus behind me, and me being an asshole, I kept pushing the seat back into her. Then I had to listen as Marcus and Tall discussed, in great detail, guys...and it reminded me why I disliked hanging out with only girls. I kinda wanted to turn around and say "Hey who wants to fuck me!?"

So Georgia drove them both to Marcus's house and then drove me home. On our way to my house some car blew a red light and slammed into the back of us, which of course just made Georgia even more pissed off. I thought it was kinda interesting, giving our night a No Country type ending.

Anyway, after trading insurance information, we get to my driveway and I go in for a hug goodbye only to receive a kiss instead. Well, it doesn't take a genius to say:

"Hey wanna see what the inside of my house looks like?"

But she says no and to call her tomorrow. I didn't.

Update with CWG: I just had a conversation with Andrew about the word cunt, seeing how he treats his girlfriend like shit and has probably called her a cunt multiple times. While I was right, he has called her a cunt multiple times, he assured me that cunt is a good word and, upon hearing what led to the comment, agreed with the girls and said that she WAS actually a cunt. I still sent her the letter of apology.

So I think I'll remove the word "Cunt" from my vocabulary (Anyone expecting a glorious reunion with CWG will be let down)

So, finally having my car back and having some free time, I decided to drive up to Pennsylvania and stay in my house for the weekend. I had only been in my house once, I had only just found out that I had a bedroom in said house, so I was uncertain of exactly how the living situation would turn out.

It turned out to be pretty nice, the house was clean and despite complaints about electricity we had the whole place air conditioned. Even my room had my bed set up and shit, it was looking to be a pretty sweet weekend...That was until I realized that not only did I bring sheets too small for the bed, but I totally forgot everything I need to wash myself, so I had to be that awkward asshole who uses shampoo and soap that belongs to other people.

At the same time, I had planned on meeting up with CWG this weekend to do a whole bunch of shit to her heavenly vagina and what not, except I texted her a few times this week, reminding her of the "date" we had, and she did not reply to any of them. Then I saw her facebook status which said that she would be here, and naturally, that kinda pissed me off.

But I didn't do anything, I decided to not say a word to her, and I decided to not even talk to her if I saw her out, which is what you have to do when you wanna fuck somebody again.
So I had to drive to Walmart to get some shower shit yesterday and when I was leaving the parking lot, some guy in another car said something to me which I could not decipher. This got me paranoid and wondering if there was something wrong with my car, so I got out and inspected it. I think its okay, but I don't know.

So anyway there were a number of people around to hang out with, who were also visiting for the weekend, including Bff, Hn1, Tall, and Georgia. Tall and Georgia had me meet them at the bar, and Hn1 was driving down there anyway, so I had her pick me up, after pregamming a little, and we went to Sportsbar.

In Sportsbar, we met up with Tall, Georgia, and their friend, Marcus, who was actually a really cute girl, don't ask my why I called her Marcus, she just looks like a Marcus. Now they had dollar mixed drinks till Midnight, but there were two bartenders close to us, one of which was awesome and the other who sucked, so every time I wanted a drink, I had to flag down the awesome one or get ripped off having a vodka cranberry that was basically all cranberry.

So then Marcus started talking about some guy she saw who was "cute and tall," and I got mad at her asking why height was important. It kinda brought down my self esteem seeing how girls who actually think height means something are probably not into me.

Anyway, Bff arrives and goes to CBOS with her ghetto friends from home, but Georgia and I head over to Chillbar to get away from her "stalker." We talk a lot, catch up on some shit, and I tell her about CWG being a total C-word for no reason. Its about this time that I get a text from Bff saying CWG is in CBOS right now, which kinda pisses me off more. After a little while, Tall and Marcus join us and we keep drinking until the bar closes.

So we head outside to the pizza place where Bff meets up with us and we get on line so everyone can get pizza. Well, sure enough, there was CWG on line two people in front of me. Then, after ordering, she sees me and stops walking, and says hi, to which I don't say a single fucking word, and she continues to her table.

So I decide to approach her only to walk into the most awkward conversation of my life, with all her friends staring at me thinking I'm some creepy asshole whose never said a word to her in my life, so I just walked away mid conversation.

So I was still pissed off about CWG and we all went outside to where Georgia, Tall, and Marcus started to walk home. Before leaving, Tall starts making out with me again for some reason, and just like always, it doesn't mean shit to me.

So Bff comes back to my house with her ghetto friends and we hang out in my living room for a while. Its about now that, after talking about CWG, I decide to give her a pretty fucked up text:

"Seriously. That was fucked up. You're a fucking cunt.."

-Note, the final period at the end dictates that I actually hit the space button twice after the comment so it would print.

All Bff's ghetto friends thought this was hilarious, until I told them about how heavenly her vagina was. Suddenly I started to feel bad.

So the sun was rising, Bff and her friends headed home, and I started to walk upstairs, but I tripped and went head first into my wall leaving a large ass dent. I don't think its a big deal, there are a few holes in the walls, and my roommates didn't seem to notice, plus my head was okay.

If I may also point out, I have had the worse diarhea since last Sunday, I think maybe I should go to a doctor or something. I was seriously worried it may come out if I drank too much, but it did not.

So today I prepared a long ass note pad letter for CWG apologizing for calling her a cunt and whatnot-its amazing what I do for heavenly vaginas. It seems like you're not supposed to call a girl you're trying to fuck a cunt, but I did, so wish me luck on her reception of said letter, which I will send as a facebook message.

Update: Wow, apparently we are no longer facebook friends. Okay, we'll do that.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

The Orthodox Jewish Girl

Last night, after having a few guys over my house for some drinking, I decided to meet up with Britney at a party in the next town. This was at about 3am and I had to walk it by myself, hammer drunk with a lip in my mouth.

As I'm walking up the street I'm supposed to turn off of, I see a bunch of cop lights in the distance, and when I reach them, it turns out some drunk asshole drove his car into a telephone pole. So I'm hammered and I gotta pee somewhere and I got a lip in my mouth, but I had to make sure I was on the right street, so I interrupted the cop's conversation to make sure I was right.

So I arrive at this house and this is the group of people in the backyard:

Douchenozzle-a douchebag whose ass I actually kicked like 4 years ago because he came to my house and stole Kyle's phone. The only reason I was accepting of him last night is because he gave me a shitload of free beer.
Ortho-A cute Orthodox Jewish girl
Owner-the owner of the house, a tall blonde with a decent body and a meh face
Travis-some guy Owner had just met and banged

So within like two minutes, Travis and Owner disappear to bang again and everyone else, against my decision, decides to play truth or dare. So Ortho asks me and I pick dare and she says I have to get naked and jump into bed with Travis and Owner. Well I did this and they thought it was funny. On my way back down from her bedroom, Ortho kept asking me if I was sleeping over and I told her I wasn't sure.

So now the sun is rising and Britney decides we should go to the beach. We pile into Owner's car, Britney driving, Douchenozzle in passenger's seat, and me and Travis in the back with Ortho on my lap and Owner on his. At this point, I'm pretty much assuming that I'm banging Ortho before the night is over.

Somehow we take a diversion and, instead of going to the beach, we go to Travis's house in bumblefuck. Travis has a pool so I ask him for a bathing suit, which turns out to be two sizes too small, and, under the assumption everyone was going swimming, I jump into the pool. Well I was the only one in the pool, although Ortho had been sitting on the edge with her feet in the pool but that is it.

So it is 7am, Owner and Travis are banging again in his bed, Douchenozzle has passed out in the passenger's seat of Owner's car, and I am in Travis's pool with Britney and Ortho hanging out in the yard watching me and eating muffins we found in Travis's kitchen.

So Ortho and I start talking:

Me: So, you're Jewish?
Ortho: Yeah
Me: That sucks
Ortho: Why?
Me: Because being Jewish definitely sucks, especially if you're like orthodox
Ortho: I am orthodox
Me: Wow, I feel bad for you
Ortho: Why?
Me: ...Do you watch Curb Your Enthusiasm?
Ortho: sometimes
Me: I was watching this episode where Larry pretended to be an Orthodox Jew and it just seems like it sucks

As if that wasn't offensive enough, I mean, telling someone their religion sucks, I then proceeded to ask her why Jewish people have to bury plates in their backyard if they mix meat and dairy, as I saw in said episode of Curb. She said that the dirt apparently washes away the anti-kosher-ness and I thought this was hilarious. After a few more back and fourths, I finally realized that offending someones religion is not the best way to get into their pants, and that I had cockblocked myself yet again.

So Ortho and Britney go inside so Ortho can change, and I ask her if she has to bury her clothes now, which she didn't think was as funny as I did. I climbed out of the pool, ate every remaining muffin, and started inside to where everyone was hanging out in Travis's room. Britney declared that she would go outside for her muffin but I told her I ate them all, and she got kinda mad.

Next thing I know, we were driving home. Oh and we found Douchenozzle passed out on some random front lawn. But it was nearing 8am and I was wide awake so I traded numbers with Ortho, I'll probably never bang her, and went home.

Oh and I think I should add, she is saved in my phone as "Nikki JEW."

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Old Story: Parade Day 2009

So my school(ex-school) has a big day every year in April where everyone wakes up at 7am and starts drinking then goes to the bars and continues drinking. If I may also point out, drinking in public is not only accepted, it is encouraged, and there is a large parade that travels down the main street, past every bar, and right on to the next town that some people like to watch.

Now on the night before Parade Day 2009, Bruce, Hank, and I discussed our plans for the following morning: the three of us would sleep in the living room, ensure the others are awake, get into Bruce's car and drive to his girlfriend's house, which was located on the Main Street, to start drinking...We had to be secretive so George Costanza didn't come.

I recall waking up at about 6:30am and noting how Hank was the only other person awake. We were watching Seinfeld on TV and, in this episode, George Costanza(the character) was working at Playtime and his boss's name was Mr Kuger. At one point, Mr Kuger referred to his last name as "Kyoooooooga," comparing it to an "old-time horn." For some reason, Hank and I thought this was the funniest thing ever so all day we were yelling "Kyoooooooga" at people.

So we pulled off the plan without a hitch, got to the beer distributor at like 7:30am and got some beer, and we all went to Bruce's girlfriend's house where they had a plethora of liquor and beer. I was not aware, however, that Bruce's girlfriend had about ten friends, all of which were female, that would be spending the whole day with us too. Now, think about this, three guys, ten girls, that makes for a fun day of drinking!

So amongst these girls are Bruce's girlfriend, Shorty, Berries, Tubbytits, 65%(Bruce's girlfriend's roommate, I call her 65% because that seemed to be the amount of effort she consistently put into trying to look attractive. Had she put a little more effort into her appearance, she might have been hot), and 65%'s sister, visiting from another school, Kyooga(how she got that nickname will come up later in the story).

So we're all drinking on the street in front of the house, and ignoring calls from George Costanza, and we watch the parade with hardly any interest. Then we head to the bars and, keep in mind, its only like 2pm, and we're all kinda hammered.

So we stop by one bar where Hank and I take seats in a booth. Berries comes up and takes the seat next to me and, seemingly out of nowhere, we start making out(this was the first time I met her, much less, the first time we did anything). So then Berries tells me she has to go to the bathroom and leaves. Not a second passes before Kyooga takes the vacant seat beside me and, you guessed it, she also starts making out with me. Then Kyooga leaves, so I look to Hank and say:

"Dude, what the fuck? Who should I pick?"

We both agreed that, while Kyooga was the better looking of the two, Berries was the sluttier one so Berries would be more likely to fuck me that night. Plus Kyooga was hammered and most likely wasn't certain of what she was doing, so I, reluctantly, chose Berries over Kyooga.

Its like 5pm now and I'm still on an empty stomach and Bruce, Hank, Bruce's girlfriend, Berries, and I decide to head back to Bruce's girlfriend's house. So the second we get there, Bruce and his girlfriend disappear to her room and Hank, Berries, and I are hanging out in the living room. So I'm not sure how it started, but next thing I remember, Berries is giving me a handjob under a random blanket and Hank is totally aware of this and is just farting to fuck with us.

So I'm trying to get Berries to give me a blowjob but Berries doesn't want to, and obviously this isn't stopping my drunken attempts.

Then, all of a sudden, there is a knock on the door and we answer it to reveal...duh duh duh....Kyooga! And she is upset because she got into a fight with 65%. So, Hank is trying to cheer her up and I intervene and say:

"I know what will make you feel better!"

She asks what.


And yeah, that worked.

So some time passes, and its getting dark out, and Berries is starting to chafe my dick so I yelled across the house to Kyooga:

"Hey, you wanna finish this?"

This pissed Berries off more and she insisted we were finished and started to pass out on the couch. Then, when Kyooga was coming to pass out in the living room, she decided to jump on top of me and try to share the couch with us, which I was down with, but Hank insisted she share his couch instead so she did.

So I asked Berries one more time if she'd suck my dick and she said no, so I got up, went to the bathroom and finished myself off into the toilet. I cleaned myself with the toilet paper, flushed it all down, and returned to the couch where Berries actually had the nerve to ask me if it was her turn now. I obviously said no.

So maybe about an hour passes and everyone is passed out, and I'm half asleep, half drunk on the couch when I hear Bruce's girlfriend get up to use the bathroom. I then hear her come into the living room and, before I write this conversation, allow me to say that, looking back, no one in the room probably had any clue what I was talking about or probably thought they were imagining it. Also, looking back, I figure she made this statement more as a precaution than a realization; There was probably nothing wrong with the toilet.

Well, Bruce's girlfriend comes into the room and announces:

"Just so you guys know, don't flush paper towels down the toilet, it will clog."

Well, half drunk half asleep me decides to answer:

"My load clogged the toilet? I'm the fucking man!"

...This was the first time my cum was accused of doing unusual things. The laptop incident would follow this two weeks later.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Monotone Turns 21!/How to get a Free Ride Home

So every weekday this summer, I've preformed the same basic routine: I have driven to Monotone's house, picked him up, and then went to work in a shitty guido highschool from 8am to 3pm. The only positive of such actions every day, besides a paycheck, is that Monotone and I got to plan his 21st birthday celebration.

Having never been before, he insisted we go to Tool Center, which is an area a few towns away with a four block radius of bars...some college bars, some old man bars, but no matter what night you go, shit is popping. I happen to hate Tool Center because, for one, it is expensive as FUCK and, being located on Long Island, there are always billions of Tools who all make me hate my background.

So its time to start pregamming for TC because Monotone has heard me bitching for a week about how expensive it is to go there sober, and he tells me to come by his house with beer. So I put on a red AE polo and a pair of shorts and walk up the block to his house...only to find that this fucker is wearing the same exact outfit. Long story short, I walked all the way back home and changed.

Now the group coming out with us is myself, Monotone, Andrew, Andrew's girlfriend, and two of Monotone's friends that are identical twin brothers: Slappy1 and Slappy2. I should probably point out now that the Slappys are not 21 yet, but they both have fakes.

So by the time Monotone's dad drives us to TC, we are all hammered beyond recognition. So we go to this big ass bar where we run into Butch and Pronk standing in the line to get in. We wait in line for a few minutes and I get in, Andrew gets in, Monotone gets in, and Slappy1 gets in but Slappy2 and Andrew's girlfriend do not. So they leave to go around the back and try the other door where they are promptly both denied again. Then Slappy1 gets an idea...this fucker goes outside, gets a stamp on his hand, switches IDs and shirts with his twin brother, and then they both return back inside. ...As for Andrew's girlfriend, he told her to just go home and she thing I like about Andrew is the fact that he treats his ugly ass girlfriend like shit.

So the five of us are standing around in the bar and the Slappys decide to switch shirts back, right in front of the bouncer, who catches on and kicks them both out. Upon finding out that Butch and Pronk were going to another bar anyway, the remaining three of us decided to just leave and meet up with the Slappys.

So we get to another bar, one of these anti-hat places where you have to get obscenely dressed up to even be allowed inside, and it is full of Tools, naturally. I remember I had to go to the bathroom(yes, another bathroom incident) and the bathroom line is about 15 people long because there are only two urinals, therefore only two people use the room at a time. So I finally get inside only to find that both urinals are free and there is a tool in the bathroom fucking taking pictures of himself in the mirror...this fucker is actually holding up the line so he can take pictures of himself in the fucking bathroom mirror...this is why I hate Long Island. But I do feel slightly better in the fact that I was peeing in the background of one of the pictures.

So its getting late and Andrew and I go outside to see a group of people walking in the distance, and then suddenly one throws another through a glass window. This leads to a full on fight breaking out, seemingly 8 on 2, but the group of 2 hold their own. Then cops come and we decide to leave...the next day we learned that the 2 involved in the fight were actually Butch and Pronk, awesome.

So we decide to take a train home and, seeing how our town is only 1 stop away, we decide that we will not buy tickets...the worst they're gonna do is kick us off the train at the next stop. So we all sit on the train, Monotone and Slappy1 pretend to be sleeping, Andrew and Slappy2 hide in the bathroom, and I just sit there pretending to be on my phone. Then the conductor comes by asking for tickets and I say I don't have one, so he insists I buy one right there:

"How much are tickets?"
"eight dollars"
"...I don't have that kind of money! I thought we were supposed to pay when we arrived!"
"Then I'm gonna have to kick you off at the next stop."
"What is the next stop?"
"[name of hometown]"
"What? I've never even heard of that town! Is that in Queens?"
"No, its Long Island."

So now I pretend to call my mom on my phone saying:

"Hey mom, um, we don't have enough money to get home and the conductor says we have to get off the train in [town name], you think you can drive out here and pick us up?"

Well shit, it worked. However, as the train stopped, the conductor waited in front of the bathroom for Andrew and Slappy2 who, despite his efforts to apprehend them, bolted past the man and onto the platform. We all heard the conductor yelling at us as the doors closed.

Then we ran into a group of girls we went to highschool with that I haven't seen in a while. Now keep in mind, its like 4am, but we all split a cab and head back to my place anyway. I really don't remember much else but this morning my mom asked me "What school does [random girl from hs] go to?" and I asked her why she would even bring up such a name only to learn that I brought the girls back to my place too, and that we were all drunkenly hanging out with my mom for like twenty minutes. I told Monotone, saying that I didn't even remember her being in the cab with us and he replied "she was sitting on your lap." Then I got a text from her saying it was fun running into me and we should hang out more often...awesome.

So yeah, I actually had a pretty good time in Tool Center.