Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Old Story: St Patty's Day 2011

Well, its finally time. Here is that epic story I've been holding up my sleeve since 'nam. To put this into context, I started dating Bumpkin over the summer(2011), she was a friend of Shorty's. The night before Bumpkin and I started dating, I boned Shorty again and then she said "I really want a really." and I said "Meh," literally, I said "Meh." Bumpkin on the other hand was a southern girl whose dad lives in Pennsylvania and whose mom lives in Bumblefuck, Kentucky. Regardless, damn she has a sexy ass.

Anyway, I ramble. This is about a week after I met Bumpkin for the first time. At this time, I was in the mindset of CWG hunting, AKA, looking for CWG and then making out with a stranger so I could make her jealous(I only pulled this off once).

So Bff called me a few days before St Patty's day to tell me that she'd be passing through town, on her way to Scranton, aka, where The Office takes place, to attend the St Patty's day parade with Bruce and his girlfriend, amongst other people. Now the Scranton St Patty's day parade, as I am told, is the second biggest in the country, not behind New York, but behind somewhere in Georgia. Obviously I was down to go to this parade with her.

And so the day of the parade came, I tried to wake Beard up to ask if he wanted to come but he didn't wake, so I figured I'd go alone. I went to Wawa, got a breakfast sandwich, dressed in green, and then climbed into Bff's car and off we went. The only things I took with me were my sweatshirt and my breakfast sandwich.

We arrived in Scranton at like 10:30 and by this point, there was a pre-race marathon going on, for some reason, so we couldn't cross any street until a cop told us we could. We finally were informed to go to a behemoth of a bar that was 8 stories tall, each story having its own adventure going on(one a sports bar, one a dance club, etc etc) and one bathroom...yep, one friging bathroom in the basement. We headed all the way to the top floor where I learned that beer was a dollar a can, and quickly started putting some back. Its about this point that we met up with Kyooga, 65%, Peaches, Tubbytits, and the boyfriends of Peaches and 65% and we continued to drink. Now I'm getting a little drunk but I do know that after a little while, we were in the basement with Bruce and his girlfriend watching the long ass bathroom lines be long and shit.

Everything starts to get a little hazy now. Bff and I went to another level which resembled a dance club at one point and I thought I saw CWG and Tallcunt at the end of the bar so I started talking to a random girl who was standing there, and then I made out with that random girl who was standing there(told you it worked once). After I'm convinced the others saw me I said goodbye but this girl decided she didn't want me to leave, that is, without giving her my number. So I rattled my number off, and she said "Your name is Issac, right?" ...yep, she thought my name was Issac. I didn't bother to correct her and put her number into my phone as "Girl who thinks I'm Issac," where it still remains to this day.

At another point we actually made a pizza run. I did not eat any because, I mean, I was born in New York, no Scranton pizza place is gonna appeal to me. I then waited about an hour to take a piss in an outhouse, as public urination comes with a hefty fine. I don't know how, but we wound up right back at Behemoth bar.

Here, we talked to a couple of people, Ben kept calling me to say he was nearby but I couldn't hear him ever. Some girl who was in my major and her cute friend appeared and were talking to me, then they left. Finally, a group of girls appeared beside me...and I did my usual pickup line on them which really encompassed accidentally bumping into them and then apologizing for something I wouldn't be apologizing for if I wasn't clearly trying to hit on them. Anyway, this was the group I perused:

Stringy: a tall skinny girl with an angry face(if that makes sense)
Raggety: A thin girl who rarely smiled and looked weird with makeup on
Pumpkin Patch: shorter and not as thin as the other two...but nicest eyes in the group(EW what a faggot, he said she had nice eyes)

So I learned something about drunk Mikee this night...Drunk Mikee tends to notice eyes before obesity(As Bff told me). Before I knew it, Raggety had dissappeared and Pumpkin Patch had her tongue in my mouth. This was going on for so long, apparently, that Bff had to even come over to me and say "The Bartender says stop." After that, I did stop...and then I ordered a new beer, and the bartender said "Ah, you came up for air!" and suddenly I felt weird.

Then everyone decided we would head back to Bruce's girlfriend's house but I decided I wanted to get laid, so I went back with Pumpkin Patch. Kyooga and Bff tried to stop me several times, Kyooga even texted me and(she was drunk too) offered to blow me if I didn't go home with Pumpkin Patch. I would have gladly taken this option had my phone battery not pretty much been dead from Ben's constant trying to reach the last thing I did before turning my phone off that night is put Bff's number into Pumpkin Patch's phone.

Pumpkin Patch and I left the bar and we made out for a little bit on the street. I remember somebody appeared and told me to bone her and I said I probably would. So the two of us sat down on a random bench somewhere and she called her sister to come pick us up. Her sister did not answer, so she started to cry...and then she called her mom. Now here I am in the middle of Scranton alone with a fat girl who is crying and calling her mom. I felt this discourse to worry until Stringy and Raggety suddenly appeared and yelled at her:

Stringy: Did you just call mom? (This is when I realized they were sisters)
Pumpkin Patch: Yes
Stringy: Why would you call mom? You're my responsibility, she's gonna get pissed at me!
Pumpkin Patch: *cries*
Stringy: I'm calling you a taxi! You're going home!

Now before I could even interject and say, "before you leave, can I have Bff's number out of your phone?" Raggety takes a seat on the other side of me and apologizes and then says "Are you hungry, Steve?" ...Now of course, Steve is my go to fake name and I had just recalled that's how I introduced myself to these girls, so they all think my name is Steve. I didn't think to correct her because it had occurred to me that the only thing I ate that day was that Wawa breakfast sandwich, so I said yes! I put Bff's number into Raggety's phone, Pumpkin Patch left in a cab, and Stringy, Raggety and I got into Stringy's car and went to Applebees.

I barely remember eating or anything beyond that. I turned my phone on for a second to see that Bff had given me Bruce's girlfriend's address in case my foray went south, but I turned my phone back off and continued to eat. After we ate, Raggety said she felt bad about what happened between me and Pumpkin Patch and said I could stay with them if I wanted.

And so I decided to stay with them.

And so we drove somewhere into the heart of Scranton and parked on some street. The three of us walked up the stairs of this apartment complex and into some random apartment where some guy with a beard greeted me with a handshake and said "Hey, I'm John."

John's apartment was set up as follows: you walk in and there's the kitchen. To your right is the bathroom and to your left is John's bedroom. After walking into his bedroom, if you make a right you're in the living room where there are two couches and a tv. There is no door or curtain between the living room and the bedroom and John informs us that Raggety and I get to sleep on the couch together, and we can watch some netflix if we want. John puts something on for us and then takes Stringy to his bed and bones her.

Raggety and I watched so little of this program that I don't even remember what it must have been, she had her shirt off and was straddling my cock within minutes. She had these floppy titties and as they jiggled, while she fucked me unprotected(I know, I'm stupid) she suddenly stopped, declaring "They can see me!" So I did the best I can to fix a makeshift curtain over the doorway to John's bedroom. We went back to fucking and my curtain fell down. I didn't feel like fixing it so I asked if she'd just give me a blowjob.

So she gave me a blowjob and while she was sucking I kinda put my head back and closed my eyes, like some guys like to do, but this made her stop with anger and yell, "If you're gonna fall asleep, I'm not gonna do it!" I had to explain to this Raggety bitch that that was just my way of enjoying the blowjob.

Anyway, I came, she swallowed, and we tried to sleep on this couch. There really wasn't much room, so half way through the night I kicked her off, and she slept on the other couch.

No, that is not the end of this post.

The next morning came and I asked Stringy if she would drive me to Bruce's Girlfriend's house, where i was hoping Bff still was. Stringy offered to actually drive me all the way back to my school, but I declined this because I left my sweatshirt in Bff's car. I turned my phone on just long enough to get the address and she put it into her phone's gps. I then said goodbye to John and the three of us left.

Stringy followed her phone's gps into this town I'd never been in before. She made a turn somewhere and pulled over and said we were there, so I had Raggety call Bff and Bff did not answer. I decided I'd cut my losses, I said goodbye to the girls and took a seat on the front porch of the house, watching them pull away.

It was about this moment that I realized how retarded I am...Here I was with no cellphone, no money, in the middle of Scranton, banking on the fact that I was at the house of a friend of mine's girlfriend with no sweatshirt, in the cold, hoping they'd just open their front door and let me in. This is when I realized, I'm fucked.

First I had a doubt in my mind about the house I'd selected as I wasn't certain if the number was "13," "31," "131," or "331." Here I was at 31 and I took a chance and rang the doorbell. No one answered, so I walked. I walked about two and a half blocks to 13 and I rang the doorbell. An older lady answered and I stared at her for a moment.

Me: Are you Bruce's girlfreind's mom?
Her: Yes
Me: I'm Bruce's girlfriend's friend, can I come in?

To my surprise, she let me in without any further interrogation. She even told me where everyone was sleeping, saying "Bff is in the living room, Kyooga is in the den, 65% and her boyfriend are in the guest bedroom etc. etc." I told her my phone battery was dead and climbed onto the air mattress in front of me. Bff was on the other end of this mattress, and I just kinda snuggled up against her and fell asleep, ignoring whatever Bruce's Girlfriend's mom said.

When I woke up, breakfast was made for us. I went to the bathroom and found some mouthwash, rinsed my mouth, and then took the biggest shit of my life. I couldn't get the smell out. So now, to Bruce's Girlfriend's mom, I'm not only the guy who was boning, but I'm also the guy with the smelly shit.

Kyooga told me to ignore her text and it wasn't until I got home and changed my phone that I found out what she had said to me. If I could go back though I wouldn't change a goddamn story of 2011 hands down!

Friday, October 21, 2011

Half Assed Entry

I now have 8am classes on Mondays and Wednesdays and Fridays, which totally sucks balls and makes it hard to go out on Thursday night, but last night I pulled it off, some how. Also I share all my classes with Jersey, and me and her have actually gotten really really close this semester.

First of all, I wanna tell about last weekend:

So Mac and I went to this party last Saturday and attending this party was the new cast of the foreign exchange club, most of which are fucking hot ass girls. This one hot girl from Spain, named Empanada or something, spent the whole night talking to me, and I was pointing to items all over the place getting her to say what they were, and she would sing "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes," on command. Long story short, Mac wound up bringing home a British girl, who I realized totally has class with me and Jersey.

So back to last night, I went out to the bars with Hn1, her boyfriend, and their roommates, which I guess has become my new bar crew. Hn1 picked me up, and I brought about six beers with me expecting to pre-game somewhere...but turns out we weren't really pregamming...we kinda went to the apartment we used to live at, into the room of the RA, and had to shotgun six beers while her roommates watched tv. Anyways, after that we headed to Clubbar, but seeing how it was only 9:30, the bar was dead and we wound up sitting there for an hour or so.

After a while I wound up texting Jersey and she told me she was at CBOS, so we headed over there. I found Jersey in the back corner and I immediately had to tell her about the British girl and Mac, seeing how I didn't really have a chance to say anything about it this week in class. Then, and I can't make this up, out of NOWHERE the British girl appears! So now we're all talking about class and shit and I buy us all 2 dollar shots and we decide to head to Sportsbar. On my way out I thought I saw Empanada so I pointed to her and said "Head Shoulders Knees and Toes!" ...But it wasn't her. Turns out I said that to a complete stranger.

Anyway we head to Sportsbar and I stepped outside for a little bit, but when I started to walk back in the bouncer stopped me and said I was too drunk. So I knew what to do, I went to the other door and went inside and kept drinking. After a little while though I wound up walking past the first door only to catch eyes with the bouncer that denied me entrance, and needless to say he was pissed. So yes, I got kicked out of Sportsbar, it was fun.

I wound up going to Chillbar, for the first time all year by the way, and all the bartenders and doormen were enthralled to see me again! Then I decided to buy a table of girls this part gets hazy because all I remember is the female bartender saying "You don't wanna buy them all shots." And then I thought I did...but my receipt says I didn't. Anyway, I got home somehow, and apparently I went to Wawa and made them make me breakfast.

Oh and its homecoming weekend, AKA the one year anniversary of my EPIC night. Hopefully this weekend will yield another post.

Oh and I texted my ex and said "Come be with John Wayne forever...he took over your battalion!" ...Don't ask me what that could possibly mean.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

This School is Too Damn Small Part Two

So last night Mac and I went out to the bars and the heavy drinking began. After a little while, however, we kinda lost track of each other and I was flying solo through clubbar trying to get laid.

I met this girl, lets name her toothpick, in the bathroom line and I offered to buy her a shot, so we went to the bar and I bought her a shot. I bought like four or five other people shots too, gave out my number a few times, including to Toothpick, and then the bar closed and I got a phone call from a random number I don't know.

"Hey, Mike?" The girl on the other end asked
"What are you doing?? You should come over!"

Okay so now I kinda assumed this was Toothpick because she seemed like the most horny of all the girls I'd given my number out to that night. She was inviting me up to an apartment complex just north of campus and, during the entire time we talked on the phone, I heard her friends in the background yelling at her to come inside. I didn't care about what her friends were saying, I walked up to the apartment complex with a couple of condoms ready to get laid!

So anyway, keep in mind, I'm only slightly certain that I'm going to Toothpick's apartment. Regardless, I arrived outside of the apartment complex and I told her I was there and she appeared at the door...It wasn't Toothpick...It wasn't anyone I'd seen that night...

Now here is a blast from the past. Way back when, I'm saying a year and a half ago-ish, Greg and I had been at Clubbar when he told some random drunk girl to make out with me and she did. This is the girl that had just invited me over her apartment. Well she is sexy as fuck so I'm not gonna turn her down, I went inside.

Yep, I went inside...only to find that her roommate also had a guy over...and that this guy was Mac.

Turns out my girl had recognized Mac as being my roommate and asked him for my number(she was sloppy drunk, again), and the voices in the background telling her to come inside belonged to Mac and his girl, turns out Mac did not know that she was calling me and inviting me over. So you can imagine the feeling of both Mac and myself upon realizing that we were fucking roommates.

Oh and in case I forget to mention, she thought I was another Mikee...but I was good enough, apparently because I got it in.

So, long story short, Mac and I attained what Beard and I were never able to do, we fucked two girls who were roommates at the same time. It was pretty sweet and we walked home together recanting in how awesome our nights were...but this just goes to prove once again that This School Is Too Damn Small.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Jesus, I Haven't Said So Many Things

Okay, upon realizing I haven't made a post since 'Nam, I'll just give a list of some ridiculous things that have happened to me this year that I never made posts of/happened to me this summer:

1. A 40 year old mom snorted coke of my boner.

Yep, Beard and I went on a road trip through the south and, upon stopping at Myrtle Beach one night, which, by the way, is absurdly ghetto, and he disclosed to me the fact that he loved older women. Being a good wingman, I went along with him to a hotel room occupied by four 40 year olds and a bunch of cocaine. One thing led to another and BOOM lines off my boner.

2. I fucked the cousin of a girl I made out with on St Patty's Day, and then got stranded in Scranton with no phone or money

This WILL be a post eventually, and when it is made, it will be the best post ever.

3. I got hit by a MOTHERFUCKING car

I was drunk and walking home from Wawa, crossing the only intersection between Wawa and my house when the car waiting at the red light decided to gun it the second he light turned green, in spite of my being directly in front of it. It stopped as it was hitting my hip, and then I looked up to see a car full of drunk college students who all had the same look of utter shock on their faces.

4. I got into a verbal argument/political discussion with a legislator while we were both drunk at the same bar

Okay this is back during the road trip and Beard and I had stopped in Charlotte, SC. Beard, being drunken and social began to talk to this guy, a complete stranger, and he revealed to me that he was a legislator. Well, after talking to him for a little bit, and noticing his political nuances, I called him out on them and, apparently, pissed him off. Best part, he thinks I'm amongst the demographic(people who actually fucking live in South Carolina) who would vote for him.

5. I, once again, received the greatest compliment of my life

I've had the same dick since I was a wee little baby(pun intended) but I was 22 before someone said I could be a "dick model," or the inspiration for somebody's favorite dildo. Well I got this compliment again, in Nashville, where I gave some girl from Colorado, HANDS DOWN, the best lay of her entire fucking life. It was so good she actually has texted me three or four times since(I have no intention to ever see her again, and I won't ever see her again, and no she does not even have my facebook), but she has a reason to LOVE Nashville now.

6. I hooked up with Cheeks...and then killed her Goldfish

One of the last nights at school Beard and I went over Tall's house to drink with Cheeks and Ground and the crew. We went to the bars and, at the end of the night, we headed back to their house where Cheeks and I had been hooking up, but DrunkMikee intervened and, seeing a bowl of water on the counter, not realizing there was a fish in there, reached my hand inside and started splashing everybody.

7. I got kicked out of a bar for mooning Beard

This was a while ago but basically Beard was hitting on some ugly fat girl in Clubbar and, as a response, I mooned him! The bouncers had to ask me to leave, but I had to close my tab first, and then they couldn't stop apologizing, mostly because they realized how much money I spend there.

There is probably more stuff but I'll be back in Pennsylvania by week's end and school starts up again! Hopefully, what should be my last year, will be awesome!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Everyone graduated!

The following regulars involved in Mikee's Miseducation have graduated from college:

Beard(actually transferred)
New Zealand

Still around:

Well I made due after last year's graduation class (CWG, Bff, Hn2, Shorty, etc.) so I think I'll be fine.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Taxi's and Psycho Bitches

On the one year anniversary of my first time boning CWG, I'm gonna wrap up 10pm through 2am last night in one sentence: We went to Ben's house to pregame, walked to the bar, Bigirl tripped and busted her face, Bff came up to visit which meant I had to see Chantgirl which, in return, meant I had to make out with Chantgirl but when she asked me to go back with her I said no because of her parolee boyfriend, and I lost sight of everyone I was with.

So now its 2:30am and the bars are closed and I'm scouring the avenue in front of CBOS looking for a taxi. I get into one taxi with two girls and this fat bitch, her skinny friend, and some dude also get in, so that's six people, aka, enough people for a taxi, but fat bitch insists we can't all use this taxi so myself and my two girls get out and decide to wait for a taxi across the street.

Then this first taxi makes a giant u-turn and drops this fat bitch off at the pizza place so she can feed her fat face. One of my girls says "wow, what a fat cunt!" So I take this as an initiative and start a chant, pointing right at her saying "FAT CUNT! FAT CUNT! FAT CUNT!" And to my surprise, a group of guys and a few girls standing behind us all start joining in, so this fat bitch is greeted with a "FAT CUNT" chant. Then I switched the chant up and started a "WHO'S A FAT CUNT? YOU'RE A FAT CUNT! WHO'S A FAT CUNT? YOU'RE A FAT CUNT!" And the crowd of people are loving it and joining in, it felt like I was in the bleachers at Yankee stadium.

And it was all fun and games until I saw Jegabombs suddenly climb out of the taxi and give me a "wtf?" look. Apparently he knew these people and got into the taxi when it was in front of CBOS after we crossed the street, but I'm drunk and he's drunk so we exchanged friendly back and fourth New York style insults before the taxi left.

Then I called the taxi company and ordered a new taxi for me and my two girls. When this taxi arrived, the three of us got in, me and one girl in the back and the other girl in the front. As we were telling the driver where to go, suddenly this psycho bitch appears at the passenger's side door and opens it, trying to rip that girl out. The two of them start sparring, and I'm just watching this, and suddenly some guy sticks his head into the taxi and says "EVERYONE GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE CAB RIGHT NOW!" I'm still sitting there though thinking, who the fuck is this guy? until I realize that it is a cop. So I get out of the cab and start to walk away....and I kept walking...until I arrived at my house.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

The Most Epic Battle Between Pirates and Ninjas Ever

So I kinda rushed Friday's post because this one is EPIC.

Beard and I started drinking on Saturday at about 2 and we went to this party with our tiny puppy. Greg was also at this party and he brought his giant pitbull with him and, for the record, Greg's giant pitbull would murder our little puppy in a second. So at one point Jegabomb's ex girlfriend is there and she is holding the leash for Greg's pitbull and I'm holding my tiny ass doggy on his leash and letting the two dogs grawl at each other from a distance, so this dumb bitch decides to let go of the pitbull's leash. Now I have a pitbull coming after our little puppy and I, single handedly, wrestled this pitbull away and arose from the backyard with my puppy in my arms while holding a pitbull by the collar with my other hand...stupid bitch. Unfortionately, all my heroics were not seen by anybody as, at this precise moment, Beard had been climbing a tree and fell out of it.

Anyway I get a text from Cheeks telling me to come over and hang out so Beard and I drop the puppy off at home and head over there. We get to Tall's house where Cheeks and Ground are hanging out, along with Bigirl and a few other girls plus like 2 other dudes. Now the second I walk in, I'm the shit and, not to boast, but I really brought life to that party.

Anyway, we walked to the bars and we head over to CBOS where I lock eyes with some random girl and then start talking to her. Her name was Kaitlin and she was decent looking, but she was with her friend, this fat ugly bitch. Me and Kaitlin must have been talking four about 15 minutes when she introduced me to her friend:

Kaitlin: (pointing to fat ugly bitch) This is my friend, Sinja
Me: Ninja?
Kaitlin: No! Sinja! But Ninjas are awesome
Me: ...Ninjas suck! Pirates are awesome!
Kaitlin: Pirates suck!
Me: Pirates do nothing but rape and pillage! Ninjas don't even have free will, they are not even allowed to enjoy their lives! Plus ninjas are pointless! They're like the fake enemy you have to face before you get to the real enemy!
Kaitlin: ...We have to go

So Kaitlin and Sinja walk away and I find Beard and we head over to another bar where we hang out for a little bit, but not before Beard is suddenly approached by a cougar(remember, Beard loves cougars) and he decides to go home with her, leaving me by myself.

So here is Drunkmikee parusing the bars and looking for pussy and, in the process, I head back to CBOS where I literally scour the bar for any girl I can find. I spot Kaitlin again and say something to her and she kinda shoves me off so then closing time occurs and I leave.

Now, there is a metal bench in front of CBOS and I walked out to spot Kaitlin and Sinja sitting on this bench, so I took a seat beside Kaitlin and tried to pick up our conversation from earlier, only to get this responce:

"What the fuck is wrong with you? You insulted me and my friend and you think you can just sit down beside me and act like you did nothing wrong?"

Needless to say, I'm kinda surprised to hear this...I mean, I "Insulted" them? saying ninjas suck "insulted" them? ...I criticized something that RHYMED with her friend's last name and that's an insult? Jeeze, its like I called them cunts or something.

So as if I wasn't already feeling like Lord Petrie, I get approached by three of their guy friends(all black) who clearly didn't realize I'm from New York. One of them says something, trying to pretend he's ghetto and tries to push me, so I push him away and then black guy number two comes up and punches me in the seriously, ghetto boy, who the fuck throws a fight's first punch as a shot to the stomach? Well now its a fight, so I pick up black guy number two and just kinda throw him in the direction of the bench, and he falls into the bench and tumbles over it in, what may have been, the funniest fashion ever. Here he was, upside down on this bench with his stupid fucking nike dunks sticking up in the air, and all I could think about is how funny he looks. Regardless, I looked back at his two friends who are just staring at their fallen comrade in shock, clearly either not willing to continue fighting or not having ever been willing to actually have an altercation, and I decide its best to walk away, and I do, in the direciton of the cops. As I left, I quipped something like, "I dare you to follow me," and nobody did. And I got home without the cops saying or doing anything to me.

So I walked home all by myself feeling like the man again. Beard came back from his cougar's house and I told him all about my night, to which he realized that the two most awesome things I did were witnessed by absolutely no one. Then I got a text from a random number I didn't know and I asked whose number it was. We sent a few texts back and fourth and established that we were both in CBOS last night. Finally I asked, "What's your name?" ...she responds, "Kaitlin." ...I simply answered, "Lol," and that was the end.

Saturday, April 30, 2011


Its almost hard to believe that a year ago I was driving to the bars, pregamming in my car, and then just exploring the avenue with the end goal of fucking CWG...and finding satisfaction in many other girls along the way.

Anyway, here is a quick summary of my night last night:

So Ben is set to graduate for real this time and he was having a shin dig at his house to start the night off, however Beard was very inept on going out as well, and in case I haven't already said this, Ben does not like Beard as every time Beard has ever been at Ben's house, he winds up either breaking something or creating a socially awkward catastrophe. We were informed instead that some alumni were up at a local bar with Mac, so Beard and I went there to pregame instead. Here, amid all the barcrawls coming in and going out of this local bar, I ran into Cheeks on her I feel I need a tangent time for Cheeks:

Okay so remember when I fucked Tall and her roommates turned out to be Dino and Bathroomgirl, AKA, two other girls I plowed before her? Well Bathroomgirl and Dino both graduated last year and Tall needed two new roommates, so she invested in Cheeks and some girl named Ground, to inhabit her house with her. The first night I met Cheeks, I was hammered and we exchanged bbms and Drunkmikee sent her flirtatious texts for the duration of the night, depsite the fact that she had a boyfriend. Well she broke up with her boyfriend and since then has come to believe that Drunkmikee and Realmikee both have feelings for her so, yes, she wants to fuck me.
Ironically, to give some information on Ground, she fucked Beard when they were both freshman and, one night while drunk, I, too, hooked up with Ground. When I asked Beard why her nickname was "Ground," he told me it was "Because her ass hangs low to the ground."

But anyway, back to the story....So Cheeks is at the local bar and she invites me back to her house but I decline in hopes of at least seeing the main stretch of bars before boning anybody. Cheeks is also with her fellow barcrawlee, who Beard and I aptly nicknamed "Hammerhead," because she looks like a hammerhead shark. Now this is the cool part about local bars, at one point, someone convinced Hammerhead to let them do a body shot off of her and so everyone got to watch as this occurred. The fallout of this was, however, that Hammerhead would sit quietly for the rest of the time in a cloud of shame being anti social. I tried to strike up a conversation with Hammerhead but this was going nowhere and Beard and I decided to leave.

So we went to Sportsbar which was crazily packed and we saw Ground there, so Beard and I decided to have a long conversation about Ground's attributions. Then Drunkmikee had an opportunity to be alone with Ground and I decided to give her a report, rating all her attributions.

Saturday's post is epic.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Hanging Out With Hairdressers

So yesterday Beard got his first haircut since Nam...well November, but close enough. The catch is, he only got a haircut because in the walk from our house to campus, there is a beauty salon that Beard liked to look into the windows of and wave to the ladies working inside of. One lady would always wave back to him and so one day he asked her to cut his hair, to which she agreed and that day was yesterday.

On top of this, if I may point out, Beard and I have a bromide we have been following since the weather got nicer: "Shorts on, Beards gone!" So we both shaved our facial hair off but, as Mac challenged us to do, we have kept only mustaches. So yes, right now Beard and I both have mustaches and nothing else.

Anyway, Beard has a new haircut and we decide to go to the bar. Hn1 is enthralled that we go to the bar with her as she is with her boyfriend and a friend of her's from her major who, without asking me, she decided she would try to set me up with. So Beard and I get to the bar(along with Ben, New Zealand and others) and I run into Hn1 and promptly got introduced to her friend, this overweight hippo of a girl. Well I'm an entertaining guy so I told Hn1's boyfriend and Hippo about my Cougar encounter and they found the story to be quite delightful.

So anyway Hippo is getting really touchy with me and I'm trying to be respectful, but she insists we go dance, and Hn1 insists we all go dance but I tell Hippo that I am too sober to dance. Ben then intervenes, he takes my drink out of my hand and insists I go dance with Hippo.

So now I'm standing on the dance floor with Hippo while she grinds up on me and I have had about enough, so I tell her again that I'm too sober for this and I walk away.

I spot Beard on the other side of the bar talking to this short blond girl and her brunette friend, so I walked over. Well, turns out this blond girl is the girl who had cut his hair earlier that day and, using my best form of Mikee knowledge, I realized this girl wants to fuck the shit out of Beard. I'm a very good wingman and so I start talking to the brunette girl. Our conversations escalate until we decide that we will all go back to our house and hang out, so we do.

So I'm sitting on the couch next to Brunette girl, Beard is with his hairdresser on the other couch, and we learn that both these girls have met each other in beauty school and that they are both, in fact, hairdressers...also they are both 21 years old so we're close in age. So DrunkMikee decides he needs a haircut and now I have an appointment to get my hair cut tomorrow afternoon. Beyond that, there was something about Brunette I wasn't attracted to in person but, as I saw through pictures on her phone of her cat that she insisted on showing me, she was sexy as hell and was just dressed down tonight.

So the rest of the night was kinda a drunken escapade, most of which I don't remember. At one point, both girls individually asked where the bathroom was and I told them it was upstairs right next to my bedroom. But the night played out, neither of us got anything from the hairdressers but we enjoyed it. Then I went upstairs to bed only to find a note waiting for me on top of my laptop:

"See you soon! Lets get lunch together some time!"

Seeing how both girls went upstairs to use the bathroom, I have no fucking clue which one wrote this note! This note could be for Beard as his hairdresser was talking about him buying her lunch one day, and she merely thought that was his bedroom...but this note could also be from the Brunette girl at the same time as I will 'see her soon' (Tomorrow). Long story short, this is a mystery.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Why I Hate Beard

So last night Beard and I went to Chillbar and I spent 100 bucks on their expensive foreign beers like a retard. I did score a few free shots however by telling people my birthday was coming up!

Anyway towards the end of the night I saw a cute ass girl talking to some local guy, she looking very uncomfortable the whole time. So I walked over(Captain Savajo to the rescue) and got this guy away. I started talking to this girl and I found out she was in the super slutty sorority(score!).

So we talked for a while, all while Beard looked rather bummed out. I think I bought her a shot or something and soon last call happened and I realized that she was kinda drunk. I went to say goodbye and I went in for the kiss but she, in turn, decided to give me a hickey...Who the fuck gives hickeys at the bar? Usually if you're old enough to drink, hickey time has ended. Anyway then I went in for the kiss again and she started biting and sucking on my ear. Well it doesn't take a genius to ask, "So you wanna come back to my place?"

She said yes and her, Beard, and I got into our taxi heading home. I'm not entirely familiar with this incident, as I had not recalled it at all until Beard told me, but maybe her drunkenness/sluttiness started showing because all of a sudden Beard started calling her a "Drunk Whore" and "Stupid Slut," all while I'm just sitting there calmly saying "you're not a slut," or "you're not a whore." Then I'm not sure exactly what happened but I told the taxi driver to drop her off in front of the University and he did.

To put this in perspective, a drunk slut wanted to fuck me and I was down until Beard acknowledged that she was a drunk slut so I made the taxi driver drop her off in front of the University, with about a 20 minute walk to her dorm ahead of her. Seems I went from Captain Savajo to Captain Losajo.

So then Beard and I got inside and he apologized for cockblocking me(I hadn't even noticed that he did). Wanting to salvage something, I texted the girl:

Me: Hi sorry my roommate was an asshole
Her: Yes he was.
Me: I'm sorry if I was an asshole too
Her: K.
Her: (ten minutes later) whatever.
Me: I'm still up if you wanna do something
Her: Yeah, I don't think so
Me: Good night

Then today I showed Mac her facebook page and he informed me that he fucked her roommate. This school is too fucking small. Also, how is it gonna go with Drunkslut? ...I still would very much so like to fuck her, but we'll see how this plays out.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Why I Love Beard

Well to set this into context, so CWG and I haven't talked since Tallcunt got in my face for no reason at all...and I'm in no rush to fix this. I did find out, however, that CWG was gonna be in town tonight, so I basically avoided going out...I even got a terrible stomach ache and decided against going out altogether...but Mac and Beard convinced me to come out with them so I went.

Anyway, the three of us went to Clubbar and I wound up making out with some random girl for a little while. Me and this girl were actually getting really close until something suddenly grabbed me from was fucking Tall! Tall swooped in and cockblocked me AGAIN and I proceeded to shit on her for like 20 minutes, saying how I thought she was ugly and only fucked her for the story etc. I did get to run into my girl again though and we made out again before the bar decided it was time for last call.

After last call, and the bar was closing, I realized that I had to take a piss, so we headed to the pizza place nearby. When we got outside, however, we learned that we had just missed what must have been an epic fight because there were 238482343 cops outside.

So we get to the pizza place and something tells me CWG is probably inside of it, so I'm weary and looking around trying to spot her. I get safely to the bathroom anyway and then return to see CWG standing directly behind Beard, so I tell him(her and Beard have never met) that CWG is behind him. CWG actually takes a seat right up against the front window of the pizza place(this is the same pizza place, for the record, that CWG and I got into that fight in and I wound up calling her a cunt in front of 2834823 patrons). Anyway, Beard sees that she is seated right at the front window and runs outside, turns his back to her, and drops his pants, successfully mooning her. Although I was against the idea at first, the look on CWG's face was absolutely priceless. and something I wouldn't trade for the world.

So anyway our taxi home pulls up and we jumped in along with a few other people. After we were sitting in the cab for like 30 seconds, we witnessed another fight break out behind us and a bunch of cops ran in to break it up. To our surprise, our cab driver ran out of the cab as well...turns out the person getting arrested was her sister.

After about 20 minutes of watching our cab driver try to negotiate with the cops, she finally took us home. Kinda absurd night that escalated in the end...pretty proud of Beard for mooning a girl for me...not a lot of people can say that their friend mooned a girl for them. I still cannot get the look on her face out of my head, something like this emoticon: :O amazing.

Addition: I went out to eat with Beard and Mac this morning and we were explaining what happened to Mac. As we explained it, we overheard the table beside us explaining the same exact incident. To our surprise, the kids we shared the taxi with were seated at this table! This school is too damn small.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Mikee and The Cougar

This will be a brief post while I wait for Mac to get out of the shower so I can take a long ass shit and brush my teeth but I just got home and had a very, lets say, interesting night.

Okay so I went out with Ben and New Zeland and CWG was visiting so I saw her for a little while, that is, until her tall ass cunt of a friend got mad at me(I'm still not entirely accepted amongst her friends because of the whole cunt thing) and started yelling at me, so I walked away and ran into Greg who told me to come with him to Clubbar.

So I'm in Clubbar and I'm pissed at Tallcunt but I started talking to some random girl sitting at the bar. Now I was pretty drunk, and I feel I had no way of knowing this, but said random girl was actually 45 years old. We're both getting drunker and drunker and I tell her about CWG and Tallcunt. She replies by saying I don't know how to make a girl orgasm...well, now I have to prove that I do. So at about 1am, we started walking to her house.

So I get up to her bedroom and there are all these pictures around of a cute young girl in a band uniform who, Cougar assures me, is her daughter. Now you know you're fucking someone too old for you when you would, and legally could, fuck their daughter.

Well anyway we get to fucking and she has that big child birthed vagina that I fucked regardless, and I guess I made her gasm but I'm not entirely certain. I know I came a few times, one time she swallowed it and another time she couldn't get down there quick enough, so she just kinda cleaned the cum/russian potato chips off my dick with her t-shirt...moms.

Anyway, after its all said and done, she gives me the best compliment ever:

"You have a really nice you should be a dick model."

Well there's no need to evaluate on why that's awesome.

So anyway morning comes and I wake up next to a cougar, who is snoring like there's no tomorrow, and I think "WTF did I do last night?"

Then Cougar starts talking to me about CWG, saying I should find a new girl. On top of this, she left the room to make a phonecall real quick and then returned, assuring me that she just broke up with her boyfriend. I didn't really think anything of this.

Then she asked me what year I was in school, I said "Super Senior," and she asked if I knew her daughter, as her daughter is a senior at the University. I looked at the picture again and slowly realized that her daughter does look familiar, but I'm not certain where I'd seen her before.

So anyway I get my ride home with the Cougar and I go upstairs to prepare for class. I head over to my class and while my teacher was talking about Keats or something, I was just seeing myself shove both my hands into the cougar's baby ridden vagina simultainiously. Then I headed to my second class, which is a bigger collection of non english majors and, well, I realized why Cougar's daughter looked so familiar...yep, she's in my class. This was the first time ever in my life that I could look at someone and think "Hey I had both my hands in your mom's vagina six hours ago."

Sunday, February 6, 2011

This School is Too Damn Small

So due to a technicality, Ben is back in school for 2 more semesters! He now lives with New Zealand a few blocks away from me so we get to hang out often. (New Zealand, who is now hooking up with RA's best friend).

I'm gonna sum up my Friday night real quick here. So Bff came up to visit, Jungle got sloppily intoxicated, some Spanish girl with no teeth named Florida tried to hit on me, and, oh yeah, Chantgirl was hanging out with us. So all night Chantgirl was grabbing my dick and trying to get me to acknowledge, and Ben was getting pissed at me for not pursuing her, however, if you remember Chantgirl, she does have a boyfriend who just got paroled. On top of that, she is 24 and doesn't go to school here, which, in all honesty, makes her a local, and means this boyfriend probably has local ties that could fuck my life up tremendously, so even though she is sexy as fuck, no thank you Chantgirl. But alcohol soon set in and I got me another blowjob anyway.

So last night George Costanza came up to visit and Ben decided he would throw a party at his house. I migrated over with Beard and Bigirl and we let the party begin, Beard spending the whole night being uncannily good at beerpong and uncannily shitty at kings.

So there was a large group of sophomore girls at the party and we were mingling with them. I have no clue what I said to this one girl but she kept insisting I was the funniest person she ever met and she kept migrating back over towards me and I kept fucking with her, saying she was creepy and whatnot. In the mean time, Beard was making progress with another girl and, finally, we convinced both of them to come back to our house.

The four of us left, walking through the streets of ice and melted ice, aka, ice and deep deep puddles. At one point, Beard's girl just fell and slid on her ass for like ten feet, it was hilarious. But anyway, we get back to the house and we all sit around in Beard's room and we start talking.

Now I'm not sure how this came up exactly but my girl suddenly heard Beard's real name and said:
"Wait, did you fuck Heather?"
Beard had no clue what she was talking about.
"...Heather with the teeth!"
Then I remembered! Heather with the teeth is the ugly ass girl Beard brought home in "The Racist Roommate," post, aka, the night I had to walk her racist bitch of a roommate home just so Beard could get laid. Might I also add in this story, the racist roommate kept insisting she was afraid of black people and, at one point, tripped over the curb and smashed her face into the pavement.
So anyway, the whole thing clicks and I stand up excitedly laughing at Beard, declaring "THAT WAS THE UGLY ASS GIRL YOU BROUGHT BACK HERE WHILE I HAD TO WALK HER RACIST BITCH OF A ROOMMATE HOME!!"
Everyone laughed, that is, except for Beard's girl, who waited for the laughing to stop, and calmly looked over at me: "So um, I'm a racist bitch?"
Well this hit me right away, The Racist Roommate was totally in my house right now and, not only did I totally not recognize her, I totally just called her a racist bitch! Thankfully she wasn't mad, mostly because "I was a very nice guy," but I did take this opportunity to point out her racism. I also realized that every time I had been walking somewhere with this girl she, somehow, busted her face on the pavement....clumsiest racist ever.

So I took my girl into the living room so Beard could be alone with The Racist Roommate but nothing happened there because he is not me so he doesn't have the uncanny ability to bang roommates. I made out with my girl a little but then they went home and we reveled in our absurd night.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

A Mikee Kinda New Year

Goodbye 2010, you were the greatest year of my life, hands down...beating out 2005 narrowly. I have also nominated myself for 2010's biggest douche in the Universe award, and I think I have a good chance of winning it.

So anyway, I brought in 2010 in my basement with my parents and uncles, also joined by Kyle, Joey, Joey's girlfriend, and her cute Russian was a cheap alternative to Tool Center and seeing the absurd douchebags I went to highschool with. I was not above bringing in 2011 the same way until I learned that Joey would be heading back to Miami before New Years, making this the first new years we didn't spend together(aww). I already knew Kyle wasn't into the bars, and wasn't about to spend it with just him and my family, so I talked to Andrew about plans.

Andrew and I settled on buying tickets to a bar that's about a half hour away, but easily accessible by train, and informed everyone else about these plans...The tickets were only 25 bucks and it was an open bar until midnight...which is actually an absurdly good deal in New York as it would usually cost about twenty to get in and then five bucks per beer from there.

So New Years Eve came and I drank briefly with my uncles in my basement until walking to Andrew's house...if I may add, I have not cut my hair since October, which all my NY friends who aren't Kyle and Joey have given me shit for as if you are a New Yorker, it is required to get your hair cut roughly twice a week. I've gotten by wearing hats in Pennsylvania but I already knew a hat probably wasn't gonna fly at this bar, so I went without, looking like a rugged manly surfer dude.

At Andrew's house we met up with Longarms, Stout, and Brittany....Brittany, for the record, and largely because of me, is now hooking up with Andrew(Andrew finally broke up with his ugly ginger girlfriend....her and Brittany used to be best friends...I really do love Andrew's doucheiness). After a little while, we took a taxi to the train station and bought our tickets to the town where the bar is.

So this is the train station, there are two platforms, one side of each takes you to Manhattan and the other side takes you out on Long Island. Because of the blizzard last week, there are no specifics offered regarding the train schedules currently, so we weren't entirely sure which of the platforms we belonged on. We had also arrived roughly 45 minutes early, and all I had brought with me was my long sleeved button down while everyone else had jackets and were constantly questioning how I wasn't cold. There were also a few other people on the platform, one being a random girl trying to get to Manhattan, who, upon seeing me, asked if I was Guatemalan...Like a douche, I, of course, said yes and she started telling me about her visit to what I just lied about being my home country. This lasted until Andrew, who had been standing with me the whole time, finally told her I was a lying douchebag and she promptly left.

So then anther group comes up onto the platform. In this group were Sprick, Pronk, Jegabombs, Bitter, and a few other people including Pronk's two sisters(twins) and their friend Jill, all of which we went to highschool with. They were all heading to the same place as us so we uniformly waited for the train together...that is until we saw a train go rumbling by the other platform, stopping for a second to pick up people, and then leaving in the direction we were going. About two minutes later it occurred to us that this was our train.

Now we are all standing around beneath the platforms trying to figure out what the fuck to do and how we're getting to the bar, as the next train wasn't set to come for an hour or so. Some time during this I had to pee badly and, seeing how there were a shit ton of cops around, I got an idea. I jumped into one of the elevators that takes you from beneath the platforms to the platform, rode it half way up, pulled the emergency break, and had my own private bathroom in the sky. When I finished I pushed in the emergency break only to find that the elevator wasn't going anywhere...this could have been really bad as I would be stuck in an elevator on new years eve with my own piss, slowly rolling towards my new sneakers...but thankfully it fixed itself and I was able to rejoin everyone else.

Then we saw a short bus pull up to the train station and drop a couple of people was one of those buses that works for a hotel and usually takes people to and from the airport. Sprick got an idea and ran up to the driver to ask him a favor...he even took Jill with him and when the two of them returned we were informed that if we each give in ten bucks, we had a ride. Needless to say we all did, and we piled into this tiny ass bus, Sprick, Bitter, Jill, and I sharing the trunk...Jill essentially laying on the floor beneath us. After the half hour ride to the bar, we pulled up in a short bus. Thankfully we all has tickets so we didn't have to wait on line, and were able to walk right in. Then I started heavily taking part in the open bar.

At one point I went up to the bar and befriended a British guy named Eric. He introduced me to his entourage of girls, one was Persian looking I believe, and I told her, drunkenly, that I was a famous stand up comic with a show next week that will be aired on television(drunk mikee lie). She believed every line of this bullshit and gave me her number, insisting I both get her good seats and reference her in my act, both of which I promised to do.

Then after a lot more beverages, the big ball dropped and everyone celebrated and we all got free Jagerbombs...that is not a lie. So now drunk and horny Mikee sets in and I'm walking around to complete strangers saying "happy new year," and going in for a kiss I either did or didn't get. I found one girl by the bar who was somewhat cute so we started talking. She asked me my age and I told her and then she responded by saying, "Wow you're a youngster." ...Turns out she was 32 years old, but it didn't deter me from buying her a shot anyway. Then DrunkMikee accidentally knocks his shot over onto the 32 year old, which prompts her shaved head friend(they were just friends, she assured me) to get into my face and try to start a fight with me. I was calmly avoiding him, drinking 32's shot in the process, all while 32 was trying to get him to calm down. Behind him, I noticed the bouncers ganging around us ready to kick us both out, and I think I lost my cool for a moment and said something threatening back to him, I don't entirely recall, but after 32 said something else, he apologized and bought me a shot, which prompted the bouncers to back off.

So 32 and I kept talking and we made out a little bit but then they both had to leave, so we kissed one more time, maybe exchanged numbers(I don't recall her name but I think I found a number that wasn't in my phone the previous night) and they left.

Then I saw the bouncers congregated in a corner so I approached to see what was going on. There was a highly intoxicated man passed out on the bar and, as I got closer to him, I realized this was my new British friend. I told the bouncers I knew him and I'd try to wake him up, so I did...but I'm pretty sure Eric was dead and after a few moments of no response from him, I merely left and let the bouncers take care of it.

Then Andrew and Brittany came up to me and assured me that our train was leaving, except DrunkMikee didn't wanna leave, so I stayed alone in the bar.

Its at about this point that I spotted Cashier.

Tangent time about Cashier:

Cashier went to high school with us but she was always quiet and didn't socialize too much. When we were seniors, we worked in the same food store where we became pretty close and actually started to talk a lot(her job in the food store was....Cashier!). After Andrew and I got fired, and Monotone eventually quit, Cashier remained working in the foodstore and she still works there. In recent years, she's pretty much become Ke$ha's persona in the song "Tick Tock," meaning that all she does is get drunk and party, which is pretty cool. She's not a bad looking girl, in my opinion, she is very typical Long Island however.

Also something else about Cashier is that she has an abundance of female friends who I've only met through her. Some of them are cute, and there was one I was trying to get her to hook me up with about two years ago named Susan. Lat night, however, marked the first time I was seeing Cashier in roughly two years.

So I spotted Cashier and we caught up briefly. We did some shots and I even made out with another girl, no clue who she was but I saw her hanging with the group a little bit, so I figure it was one of her friends. Then we started talking about how we would be getting home, so I said I could call my parents and I did...completely forgetting that we aren't in Tool Center, which is roughly 15 minutes away, but instead that we are in a completely different town that's a good 45 minute ride on New Years.

So now we're waiting for my parents to come pick us up and I get the drunk courage to tell Cashier that I always had a crush on her friend Susan. Cashier replies by pointing to one of the girls she was with and saying, "That Susan?" ...Turns out Susan had been in her group of girls the whole time and I totally didn't' recognize her, or say much to her at all for that matter, but Cashier was animate about us actually talking more some day so I'm optimistic.

So my parents finally arrive to drive us home and I walk up to the car with like 8 girls who all need rides home. Oh and one had her boyfriend with her...a kid with a mohawk and a cane who, as there weren't enough seats, shared a seat with me. Happy new year, I'm in my parents minivan sharing a seat with a kid who has a mohawk and a cane, and there are eight girls with us. Then I went home, ate a shit ton of food and passed out...Great way to bring in 2011.

PS...Cashier is very animite about my joining her and Susan tonight in Tool Center...I'm not going because I'm broke and like self cock-blocking.