Saturday, July 17, 2010

The Orthodox Jewish Girl

Last night, after having a few guys over my house for some drinking, I decided to meet up with Britney at a party in the next town. This was at about 3am and I had to walk it by myself, hammer drunk with a lip in my mouth.

As I'm walking up the street I'm supposed to turn off of, I see a bunch of cop lights in the distance, and when I reach them, it turns out some drunk asshole drove his car into a telephone pole. So I'm hammered and I gotta pee somewhere and I got a lip in my mouth, but I had to make sure I was on the right street, so I interrupted the cop's conversation to make sure I was right.

So I arrive at this house and this is the group of people in the backyard:

Douchenozzle-a douchebag whose ass I actually kicked like 4 years ago because he came to my house and stole Kyle's phone. The only reason I was accepting of him last night is because he gave me a shitload of free beer.
Ortho-A cute Orthodox Jewish girl
Owner-the owner of the house, a tall blonde with a decent body and a meh face
Travis-some guy Owner had just met and banged

So within like two minutes, Travis and Owner disappear to bang again and everyone else, against my decision, decides to play truth or dare. So Ortho asks me and I pick dare and she says I have to get naked and jump into bed with Travis and Owner. Well I did this and they thought it was funny. On my way back down from her bedroom, Ortho kept asking me if I was sleeping over and I told her I wasn't sure.

So now the sun is rising and Britney decides we should go to the beach. We pile into Owner's car, Britney driving, Douchenozzle in passenger's seat, and me and Travis in the back with Ortho on my lap and Owner on his. At this point, I'm pretty much assuming that I'm banging Ortho before the night is over.

Somehow we take a diversion and, instead of going to the beach, we go to Travis's house in bumblefuck. Travis has a pool so I ask him for a bathing suit, which turns out to be two sizes too small, and, under the assumption everyone was going swimming, I jump into the pool. Well I was the only one in the pool, although Ortho had been sitting on the edge with her feet in the pool but that is it.

So it is 7am, Owner and Travis are banging again in his bed, Douchenozzle has passed out in the passenger's seat of Owner's car, and I am in Travis's pool with Britney and Ortho hanging out in the yard watching me and eating muffins we found in Travis's kitchen.

So Ortho and I start talking:

Me: So, you're Jewish?
Ortho: Yeah
Me: That sucks
Ortho: Why?
Me: Because being Jewish definitely sucks, especially if you're like orthodox
Ortho: I am orthodox
Me: Wow, I feel bad for you
Ortho: Why?
Me: ...Do you watch Curb Your Enthusiasm?
Ortho: sometimes
Me: I was watching this episode where Larry pretended to be an Orthodox Jew and it just seems like it sucks

As if that wasn't offensive enough, I mean, telling someone their religion sucks, I then proceeded to ask her why Jewish people have to bury plates in their backyard if they mix meat and dairy, as I saw in said episode of Curb. She said that the dirt apparently washes away the anti-kosher-ness and I thought this was hilarious. After a few more back and fourths, I finally realized that offending someones religion is not the best way to get into their pants, and that I had cockblocked myself yet again.

So Ortho and Britney go inside so Ortho can change, and I ask her if she has to bury her clothes now, which she didn't think was as funny as I did. I climbed out of the pool, ate every remaining muffin, and started inside to where everyone was hanging out in Travis's room. Britney declared that she would go outside for her muffin but I told her I ate them all, and she got kinda mad.

Next thing I know, we were driving home. Oh and we found Douchenozzle passed out on some random front lawn. But it was nearing 8am and I was wide awake so I traded numbers with Ortho, I'll probably never bang her, and went home.

Oh and I think I should add, she is saved in my phone as "Nikki JEW."

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Old Story: Parade Day 2009

So my school(ex-school) has a big day every year in April where everyone wakes up at 7am and starts drinking then goes to the bars and continues drinking. If I may also point out, drinking in public is not only accepted, it is encouraged, and there is a large parade that travels down the main street, past every bar, and right on to the next town that some people like to watch.

Now on the night before Parade Day 2009, Bruce, Hank, and I discussed our plans for the following morning: the three of us would sleep in the living room, ensure the others are awake, get into Bruce's car and drive to his girlfriend's house, which was located on the Main Street, to start drinking...We had to be secretive so George Costanza didn't come.

I recall waking up at about 6:30am and noting how Hank was the only other person awake. We were watching Seinfeld on TV and, in this episode, George Costanza(the character) was working at Playtime and his boss's name was Mr Kuger. At one point, Mr Kuger referred to his last name as "Kyoooooooga," comparing it to an "old-time horn." For some reason, Hank and I thought this was the funniest thing ever so all day we were yelling "Kyoooooooga" at people.

So we pulled off the plan without a hitch, got to the beer distributor at like 7:30am and got some beer, and we all went to Bruce's girlfriend's house where they had a plethora of liquor and beer. I was not aware, however, that Bruce's girlfriend had about ten friends, all of which were female, that would be spending the whole day with us too. Now, think about this, three guys, ten girls, that makes for a fun day of drinking!

So amongst these girls are Bruce's girlfriend, Shorty, Berries, Tubbytits, 65%(Bruce's girlfriend's roommate, I call her 65% because that seemed to be the amount of effort she consistently put into trying to look attractive. Had she put a little more effort into her appearance, she might have been hot), and 65%'s sister, visiting from another school, Kyooga(how she got that nickname will come up later in the story).

So we're all drinking on the street in front of the house, and ignoring calls from George Costanza, and we watch the parade with hardly any interest. Then we head to the bars and, keep in mind, its only like 2pm, and we're all kinda hammered.

So we stop by one bar where Hank and I take seats in a booth. Berries comes up and takes the seat next to me and, seemingly out of nowhere, we start making out(this was the first time I met her, much less, the first time we did anything). So then Berries tells me she has to go to the bathroom and leaves. Not a second passes before Kyooga takes the vacant seat beside me and, you guessed it, she also starts making out with me. Then Kyooga leaves, so I look to Hank and say:

"Dude, what the fuck? Who should I pick?"

We both agreed that, while Kyooga was the better looking of the two, Berries was the sluttier one so Berries would be more likely to fuck me that night. Plus Kyooga was hammered and most likely wasn't certain of what she was doing, so I, reluctantly, chose Berries over Kyooga.

Its like 5pm now and I'm still on an empty stomach and Bruce, Hank, Bruce's girlfriend, Berries, and I decide to head back to Bruce's girlfriend's house. So the second we get there, Bruce and his girlfriend disappear to her room and Hank, Berries, and I are hanging out in the living room. So I'm not sure how it started, but next thing I remember, Berries is giving me a handjob under a random blanket and Hank is totally aware of this and is just farting to fuck with us.

So I'm trying to get Berries to give me a blowjob but Berries doesn't want to, and obviously this isn't stopping my drunken attempts.

Then, all of a sudden, there is a knock on the door and we answer it to reveal...duh duh duh....Kyooga! And she is upset because she got into a fight with 65%. So, Hank is trying to cheer her up and I intervene and say:

"I know what will make you feel better!"

She asks what.


And yeah, that worked.

So some time passes, and its getting dark out, and Berries is starting to chafe my dick so I yelled across the house to Kyooga:

"Hey, you wanna finish this?"

This pissed Berries off more and she insisted we were finished and started to pass out on the couch. Then, when Kyooga was coming to pass out in the living room, she decided to jump on top of me and try to share the couch with us, which I was down with, but Hank insisted she share his couch instead so she did.

So I asked Berries one more time if she'd suck my dick and she said no, so I got up, went to the bathroom and finished myself off into the toilet. I cleaned myself with the toilet paper, flushed it all down, and returned to the couch where Berries actually had the nerve to ask me if it was her turn now. I obviously said no.

So maybe about an hour passes and everyone is passed out, and I'm half asleep, half drunk on the couch when I hear Bruce's girlfriend get up to use the bathroom. I then hear her come into the living room and, before I write this conversation, allow me to say that, looking back, no one in the room probably had any clue what I was talking about or probably thought they were imagining it. Also, looking back, I figure she made this statement more as a precaution than a realization; There was probably nothing wrong with the toilet.

Well, Bruce's girlfriend comes into the room and announces:

"Just so you guys know, don't flush paper towels down the toilet, it will clog."

Well, half drunk half asleep me decides to answer:

"My load clogged the toilet? I'm the fucking man!"

...This was the first time my cum was accused of doing unusual things. The laptop incident would follow this two weeks later.