Saturday, August 21, 2010

Last Night

Allow me to start off by saying, since calling CWG a cunt, that word has increased in my vocabulary exponentially, and that is probably such a bad thing.

Anyway, last night we went to Tool Center to spend a shit ton of money and what not. Everyone was pregamming at Andrew's house, which is literally around the corner from mine, so I loaded up a backpack with leftover expensive beer my dad bought for his party last weekend, and started to walk there, the glass bottles clanking all the way. Seriously, I sounded like a fucking old time prison where people just bang cups on the bars....a one man old time prison.

Anyway, we pregame and I decide my shirt is too tight, but instead of going home and changing it, which would have literally taken ten minutes, I decide to pound beer. This was unusual because my dad's taste in beer is highly exquisite, so I'm pregamming with Blue Moons, Peronis, and Coronas. Needless to say, I feel a shit brewing and decide to run downstairs and expel it...greatest decision of my night.

So anyway we arrive at the bar, we being myself, Andrew, Monotone, Sprick, Bitter, Jegabombs, and Slappy2. We are also joined by Stout, an ex friend of ours we hardly see, he is about 5'2 and is a cocky asshole, and cries a lot, yet always gets girlfriends. Now I got a somewhat hook up at the back bar because I always tip this one bartender pretty good, but I spent 80 bucks regardless, that doesn't matter, shit is expensive in New York.

Anyway, Britt texts me and says shes at the bar so I find her...and I find out why she is at the bar...this is because her close friend from highschool has just turned 21, and who is her close friend....Cousin1.

Tangent time:

I started dating cousin1 when I was a senior in highschool, and I even went to prom with her. Everything went awry however when she decided to hook up with Andrew on my birthday. I was okay with this because when her birthday came around, exactly five years ago, I hooked up with her first cousin, Cousin2. Cousin2 and I then proceeded to date for three years, three years that destroyed my collegiate life, IMO.
Anyway, its been about 2 years since I broke up with Cousin2, we got close again around last Easter, and I thought we may get back together, but I doubt that will happen at all now. As for Cousin1, I haven't said a word to her in five years, I mean, is there a better way to say "fuck you, its over," then to date someones first cousin for 3 years?

So back to the story. Upon seeing Cousin1 in the bar, I leaned over to Slappy2 and Jegabombs and told them to prepare for the most awkward moment ever. I was also content to just avoid her, as obviously she has every reason in the world to just despise me. But suddenly there she was, excited to see me and hanging on me yelling "its my birthdaaaaaaayyyy!"

So we got to talking and she goes "I still have that Buildabear you made me!" ...

...Tangent Time...

Yes, I made her a buildabear. Worst experience of my life. When we were dating she always talked about wanting a buildabear, she even made me a buildabear, which, seriously, what the fuck am I gonna do with a buildabear? I still have it somewhere too, collecting dust..

Okay so back to the story. I say "Oh yeah, I totally still have the one you made me too..." But she refuses to believe me, so I invite her to my house to see it, and she says yes, but we get sidetracked about something I offer to buy her birthday shots.

Now Cousin1 was hammered, so really a birthday shot was kinda adding fuel to the fire. I didn't care and we went to the back bar where my friend worked so I could get the hook up. When we arrived, Bitter was standing in front of the bar, and he turned around to me and said to give him cover. I didn't know what this meant until I realized he was taking a piss...while looking the bar tender in the face, he was taking a piss under the bar. For the record, hes done this many times.

So Cousin1 and I do these shots and then we start making out, which I can only attribute to her being drunk. Well, she must have been really drunk because next thing I knew, her hand was on my dick. Well, I was accepting, and we went outside somewhere and she started giving me a blow job, but the thing about Tool Center is that cops just patrol around the whole place, so this is one paranoid ass blow job. Kids are walking past us, I can see the traffic on the nearby highway, some old man gives me a thumbs up, I had to abandon ship on the blowjob because it just wasn't working.

So we head back to the bar, my dick still covered in her saliva, and we try to find everyone else. Then the bitch tries to kiss me again and I told her we were done with that, seeing how I don't want my dick in my mouth, and she went off to do God knows what.

Anyway, I run into Monotone again who is intent on asking how we would be getting home. We were unable to find anyone else, and I decide to call my parents to come get us; it was like 3:30. So we sit in a booth waiting for them and this really drunk girl starts talking to him, and he learns that they live in the same exact apartment complex at school, and its a glorious moment for anyone who is not a third wheel.

Anyway, my parents say they have arrived and while starting outside to get into the car, we run into Stout who asks how we're getting home. I was drunk so I said he could come with.

Now Monotone is aware of this, but Stout has never been in the car with me and my parents when I am hammered but I just start saying the most obnoxious shit, while starting Taco Bell chants. So I start talking about CWG being a cunt, and Stout is appalled that I would say something like that in front of my parents. Then Monotone and I engaged in a conversation about the word "cunt," and we included my parents in it, and decided cunt is not a bad word...Stout is just in the backseat appalled the whole time.

Anyway, we get Taco Bell, drop Stout off, and I go home and pass out with my laptop open like a dickwad. Fun night.

I also woke up to a facebook message from Cousin1: "Good seeing you again ;)" ...I'm seriously down with not taking this any further.