Sunday, June 20, 2010

Monotone Turns 21!/How to get a Free Ride Home

So every weekday this summer, I've preformed the same basic routine: I have driven to Monotone's house, picked him up, and then went to work in a shitty guido highschool from 8am to 3pm. The only positive of such actions every day, besides a paycheck, is that Monotone and I got to plan his 21st birthday celebration.

Having never been before, he insisted we go to Tool Center, which is an area a few towns away with a four block radius of bars...some college bars, some old man bars, but no matter what night you go, shit is popping. I happen to hate Tool Center because, for one, it is expensive as FUCK and, being located on Long Island, there are always billions of Tools who all make me hate my background.

So its time to start pregamming for TC because Monotone has heard me bitching for a week about how expensive it is to go there sober, and he tells me to come by his house with beer. So I put on a red AE polo and a pair of shorts and walk up the block to his house...only to find that this fucker is wearing the same exact outfit. Long story short, I walked all the way back home and changed.

Now the group coming out with us is myself, Monotone, Andrew, Andrew's girlfriend, and two of Monotone's friends that are identical twin brothers: Slappy1 and Slappy2. I should probably point out now that the Slappys are not 21 yet, but they both have fakes.

So by the time Monotone's dad drives us to TC, we are all hammered beyond recognition. So we go to this big ass bar where we run into Butch and Pronk standing in the line to get in. We wait in line for a few minutes and I get in, Andrew gets in, Monotone gets in, and Slappy1 gets in but Slappy2 and Andrew's girlfriend do not. So they leave to go around the back and try the other door where they are promptly both denied again. Then Slappy1 gets an idea...this fucker goes outside, gets a stamp on his hand, switches IDs and shirts with his twin brother, and then they both return back inside. ...As for Andrew's girlfriend, he told her to just go home and she thing I like about Andrew is the fact that he treats his ugly ass girlfriend like shit.

So the five of us are standing around in the bar and the Slappys decide to switch shirts back, right in front of the bouncer, who catches on and kicks them both out. Upon finding out that Butch and Pronk were going to another bar anyway, the remaining three of us decided to just leave and meet up with the Slappys.

So we get to another bar, one of these anti-hat places where you have to get obscenely dressed up to even be allowed inside, and it is full of Tools, naturally. I remember I had to go to the bathroom(yes, another bathroom incident) and the bathroom line is about 15 people long because there are only two urinals, therefore only two people use the room at a time. So I finally get inside only to find that both urinals are free and there is a tool in the bathroom fucking taking pictures of himself in the mirror...this fucker is actually holding up the line so he can take pictures of himself in the fucking bathroom mirror...this is why I hate Long Island. But I do feel slightly better in the fact that I was peeing in the background of one of the pictures.

So its getting late and Andrew and I go outside to see a group of people walking in the distance, and then suddenly one throws another through a glass window. This leads to a full on fight breaking out, seemingly 8 on 2, but the group of 2 hold their own. Then cops come and we decide to leave...the next day we learned that the 2 involved in the fight were actually Butch and Pronk, awesome.

So we decide to take a train home and, seeing how our town is only 1 stop away, we decide that we will not buy tickets...the worst they're gonna do is kick us off the train at the next stop. So we all sit on the train, Monotone and Slappy1 pretend to be sleeping, Andrew and Slappy2 hide in the bathroom, and I just sit there pretending to be on my phone. Then the conductor comes by asking for tickets and I say I don't have one, so he insists I buy one right there:

"How much are tickets?"
"eight dollars"
"...I don't have that kind of money! I thought we were supposed to pay when we arrived!"
"Then I'm gonna have to kick you off at the next stop."
"What is the next stop?"
"[name of hometown]"
"What? I've never even heard of that town! Is that in Queens?"
"No, its Long Island."

So now I pretend to call my mom on my phone saying:

"Hey mom, um, we don't have enough money to get home and the conductor says we have to get off the train in [town name], you think you can drive out here and pick us up?"

Well shit, it worked. However, as the train stopped, the conductor waited in front of the bathroom for Andrew and Slappy2 who, despite his efforts to apprehend them, bolted past the man and onto the platform. We all heard the conductor yelling at us as the doors closed.

Then we ran into a group of girls we went to highschool with that I haven't seen in a while. Now keep in mind, its like 4am, but we all split a cab and head back to my place anyway. I really don't remember much else but this morning my mom asked me "What school does [random girl from hs] go to?" and I asked her why she would even bring up such a name only to learn that I brought the girls back to my place too, and that we were all drunkenly hanging out with my mom for like twenty minutes. I told Monotone, saying that I didn't even remember her being in the cab with us and he replied "she was sitting on your lap." Then I got a text from her saying it was fun running into me and we should hang out more often...awesome.

So yeah, I actually had a pretty good time in Tool Center.