Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Old Story: St Patty's Day 2011

Well, its finally time. Here is that epic story I've been holding up my sleeve since 'nam. To put this into context, I started dating Bumpkin over the summer(2011), she was a friend of Shorty's. The night before Bumpkin and I started dating, I boned Shorty again and then she said "I really want a really." and I said "Meh," literally, I said "Meh." Bumpkin on the other hand was a southern girl whose dad lives in Pennsylvania and whose mom lives in Bumblefuck, Kentucky. Regardless, damn she has a sexy ass.

Anyway, I ramble. This is about a week after I met Bumpkin for the first time. At this time, I was in the mindset of CWG hunting, AKA, looking for CWG and then making out with a stranger so I could make her jealous(I only pulled this off once).

So Bff called me a few days before St Patty's day to tell me that she'd be passing through town, on her way to Scranton, aka, where The Office takes place, to attend the St Patty's day parade with Bruce and his girlfriend, amongst other people. Now the Scranton St Patty's day parade, as I am told, is the second biggest in the country, not behind New York, but behind somewhere in Georgia. Obviously I was down to go to this parade with her.

And so the day of the parade came, I tried to wake Beard up to ask if he wanted to come but he didn't wake, so I figured I'd go alone. I went to Wawa, got a breakfast sandwich, dressed in green, and then climbed into Bff's car and off we went. The only things I took with me were my sweatshirt and my breakfast sandwich.

We arrived in Scranton at like 10:30 and by this point, there was a pre-race marathon going on, for some reason, so we couldn't cross any street until a cop told us we could. We finally were informed to go to a behemoth of a bar that was 8 stories tall, each story having its own adventure going on(one a sports bar, one a dance club, etc etc) and one bathroom...yep, one friging bathroom in the basement. We headed all the way to the top floor where I learned that beer was a dollar a can, and quickly started putting some back. Its about this point that we met up with Kyooga, 65%, Peaches, Tubbytits, and the boyfriends of Peaches and 65% and we continued to drink. Now I'm getting a little drunk but I do know that after a little while, we were in the basement with Bruce and his girlfriend watching the long ass bathroom lines be long and shit.

Everything starts to get a little hazy now. Bff and I went to another level which resembled a dance club at one point and I thought I saw CWG and Tallcunt at the end of the bar so I started talking to a random girl who was standing there, and then I made out with that random girl who was standing there(told you it worked once). After I'm convinced the others saw me I said goodbye but this girl decided she didn't want me to leave, that is, without giving her my number. So I rattled my number off, and she said "Your name is Issac, right?" ...yep, she thought my name was Issac. I didn't bother to correct her and put her number into my phone as "Girl who thinks I'm Issac," where it still remains to this day.

At another point we actually made a pizza run. I did not eat any because, I mean, I was born in New York, no Scranton pizza place is gonna appeal to me. I then waited about an hour to take a piss in an outhouse, as public urination comes with a hefty fine. I don't know how, but we wound up right back at Behemoth bar.

Here, we talked to a couple of people, Ben kept calling me to say he was nearby but I couldn't hear him ever. Some girl who was in my major and her cute friend appeared and were talking to me, then they left. Finally, a group of girls appeared beside me...and I did my usual pickup line on them which really encompassed accidentally bumping into them and then apologizing for something I wouldn't be apologizing for if I wasn't clearly trying to hit on them. Anyway, this was the group I perused:

Stringy: a tall skinny girl with an angry face(if that makes sense)
Raggety: A thin girl who rarely smiled and looked weird with makeup on
Pumpkin Patch: shorter and not as thin as the other two...but nicest eyes in the group(EW what a faggot, he said she had nice eyes)

So I learned something about drunk Mikee this night...Drunk Mikee tends to notice eyes before obesity(As Bff told me). Before I knew it, Raggety had dissappeared and Pumpkin Patch had her tongue in my mouth. This was going on for so long, apparently, that Bff had to even come over to me and say "The Bartender says stop." After that, I did stop...and then I ordered a new beer, and the bartender said "Ah, you came up for air!" and suddenly I felt weird.

Then everyone decided we would head back to Bruce's girlfriend's house but I decided I wanted to get laid, so I went back with Pumpkin Patch. Kyooga and Bff tried to stop me several times, Kyooga even texted me and(she was drunk too) offered to blow me if I didn't go home with Pumpkin Patch. I would have gladly taken this option had my phone battery not pretty much been dead from Ben's constant trying to reach the last thing I did before turning my phone off that night is put Bff's number into Pumpkin Patch's phone.

Pumpkin Patch and I left the bar and we made out for a little bit on the street. I remember somebody appeared and told me to bone her and I said I probably would. So the two of us sat down on a random bench somewhere and she called her sister to come pick us up. Her sister did not answer, so she started to cry...and then she called her mom. Now here I am in the middle of Scranton alone with a fat girl who is crying and calling her mom. I felt this discourse to worry until Stringy and Raggety suddenly appeared and yelled at her:

Stringy: Did you just call mom? (This is when I realized they were sisters)
Pumpkin Patch: Yes
Stringy: Why would you call mom? You're my responsibility, she's gonna get pissed at me!
Pumpkin Patch: *cries*
Stringy: I'm calling you a taxi! You're going home!

Now before I could even interject and say, "before you leave, can I have Bff's number out of your phone?" Raggety takes a seat on the other side of me and apologizes and then says "Are you hungry, Steve?" ...Now of course, Steve is my go to fake name and I had just recalled that's how I introduced myself to these girls, so they all think my name is Steve. I didn't think to correct her because it had occurred to me that the only thing I ate that day was that Wawa breakfast sandwich, so I said yes! I put Bff's number into Raggety's phone, Pumpkin Patch left in a cab, and Stringy, Raggety and I got into Stringy's car and went to Applebees.

I barely remember eating or anything beyond that. I turned my phone on for a second to see that Bff had given me Bruce's girlfriend's address in case my foray went south, but I turned my phone back off and continued to eat. After we ate, Raggety said she felt bad about what happened between me and Pumpkin Patch and said I could stay with them if I wanted.

And so I decided to stay with them.

And so we drove somewhere into the heart of Scranton and parked on some street. The three of us walked up the stairs of this apartment complex and into some random apartment where some guy with a beard greeted me with a handshake and said "Hey, I'm John."

John's apartment was set up as follows: you walk in and there's the kitchen. To your right is the bathroom and to your left is John's bedroom. After walking into his bedroom, if you make a right you're in the living room where there are two couches and a tv. There is no door or curtain between the living room and the bedroom and John informs us that Raggety and I get to sleep on the couch together, and we can watch some netflix if we want. John puts something on for us and then takes Stringy to his bed and bones her.

Raggety and I watched so little of this program that I don't even remember what it must have been, she had her shirt off and was straddling my cock within minutes. She had these floppy titties and as they jiggled, while she fucked me unprotected(I know, I'm stupid) she suddenly stopped, declaring "They can see me!" So I did the best I can to fix a makeshift curtain over the doorway to John's bedroom. We went back to fucking and my curtain fell down. I didn't feel like fixing it so I asked if she'd just give me a blowjob.

So she gave me a blowjob and while she was sucking I kinda put my head back and closed my eyes, like some guys like to do, but this made her stop with anger and yell, "If you're gonna fall asleep, I'm not gonna do it!" I had to explain to this Raggety bitch that that was just my way of enjoying the blowjob.

Anyway, I came, she swallowed, and we tried to sleep on this couch. There really wasn't much room, so half way through the night I kicked her off, and she slept on the other couch.

No, that is not the end of this post.

The next morning came and I asked Stringy if she would drive me to Bruce's Girlfriend's house, where i was hoping Bff still was. Stringy offered to actually drive me all the way back to my school, but I declined this because I left my sweatshirt in Bff's car. I turned my phone on just long enough to get the address and she put it into her phone's gps. I then said goodbye to John and the three of us left.

Stringy followed her phone's gps into this town I'd never been in before. She made a turn somewhere and pulled over and said we were there, so I had Raggety call Bff and Bff did not answer. I decided I'd cut my losses, I said goodbye to the girls and took a seat on the front porch of the house, watching them pull away.

It was about this moment that I realized how retarded I am...Here I was with no cellphone, no money, in the middle of Scranton, banking on the fact that I was at the house of a friend of mine's girlfriend with no sweatshirt, in the cold, hoping they'd just open their front door and let me in. This is when I realized, I'm fucked.

First I had a doubt in my mind about the house I'd selected as I wasn't certain if the number was "13," "31," "131," or "331." Here I was at 31 and I took a chance and rang the doorbell. No one answered, so I walked. I walked about two and a half blocks to 13 and I rang the doorbell. An older lady answered and I stared at her for a moment.

Me: Are you Bruce's girlfreind's mom?
Her: Yes
Me: I'm Bruce's girlfriend's friend, can I come in?

To my surprise, she let me in without any further interrogation. She even told me where everyone was sleeping, saying "Bff is in the living room, Kyooga is in the den, 65% and her boyfriend are in the guest bedroom etc. etc." I told her my phone battery was dead and climbed onto the air mattress in front of me. Bff was on the other end of this mattress, and I just kinda snuggled up against her and fell asleep, ignoring whatever Bruce's Girlfriend's mom said.

When I woke up, breakfast was made for us. I went to the bathroom and found some mouthwash, rinsed my mouth, and then took the biggest shit of my life. I couldn't get the smell out. So now, to Bruce's Girlfriend's mom, I'm not only the guy who was boning, but I'm also the guy with the smelly shit.

Kyooga told me to ignore her text and it wasn't until I got home and changed my phone that I found out what she had said to me. If I could go back though I wouldn't change a goddamn story of 2011 hands down!