Thursday, May 27, 2010

Chant Girl: The Untold Story

Okay I have established a new kind of post to hold the blog over between nights in New York that suck absolute balls and nights in Pennsylvania where everyone I know is a hot girl who I may or may not bone. I have decided to give the characters of my life some substance, meaning that, I have decided to give better descriptions/historic details/further our interactions by giving each of them their own posts.

I figured Chant Girl was a good person to start with seeing how there were a few big issues concerning this character which I totally left out of the blog...sometimes because they happened before I started writing it and sometimes because I just didn't get a chance.

Well, I'll start her story out in about mid February. It was Wing Night, which is Monday night, and Bigirl and I are getting ready to go out for wings and beer-we had done this every Monday until Rugby decided to move our practice time to Monday night for some retarded reason. So I texted The Bff to see if she was down to come as well, and she informed me that she would meet us there because she was going out with her work friends.

So I never get too hammered during Wing Night because I usually have an 11am class Tuesday mornings, but for some reason this Wing Night was an exception. I was absolutely hammered and Bigirl, The Bff, and I were hanging out with all The Bff's work friends. There must have been about ten of us, three of them were rather attractive girls-two of the three were Mom and Chantgirl.

So apparently its Mom's birthday and I'm hanging out with her boyfriend and his friends, who I find out are Mikee2's roommates, and I notice that there is a creepy old guy just hovering next to Mom and Chantgirl. I grew more weary of the creepy old guy when he busted out his cellphone and began video taping the drunk girls as they played pool, so I seized the opportunity and pointed to the guy, obnoxiously chanting "CREEPY OLD GUY! CREEPY OLD GUY!" Needless to say, this got rid of him.

So then Bigirl and I start to play pool against Mom and Actor(I did not realize this was Actor until recently) and when I'm drunk I suck at pool, but Actor was obscenely good for some reason. So every time his turn came around, I started my own chant for him, usually whatever ball he was aiming to hit, "2-BALL! 2-BALL!" Then it occurred to me that everyone was just listening to my drunken chants and laughing.

Now, I figured they were laughing at me...random drunk kid just starting chants for every little thing that happens, then I realized I was legit entertaining the crew and they thought it was hilarious. This is about the point that Chantgirl starts hanging on me and I start dropping dough buying her beers and such. I even remember at one point standing on the little ledge at the base of the bar so I looked taller and asking the bartender how tall she thought I was only to step down and laugh at her.

Then Chantgirl asked me to walk her to the bathroom, don't ask me why she couldn't go by herself, but long story short, we started making out right outside of the bathrooms. After a while, we headed back and I was greeted by Bigirl telling me she was ready to leave if I wanted a ride, but Chantgirl kept insisting I stay with them for the next bar we'd be heading to. Well it doesn't take a horny genius to realize what I should do, so I decided to stay.

We wound up at a bar I sometimes went to with The Bff where a lot of locals hang out. Now the creepy thing about this bar is that I cannot take a piss here without some dude talking to me, its uncanny, I can't explain it, but every time I've ever had to pee in this bar, someone has walked in and started a conversation mid-piss, it was a little creepy.

But I'm still drunk, and its karaoke night and I must have looked like such a drunk asshole just starting chants about the locals who were up at the karaoke machine while they were singing. Anyway, I remember buying Mom a shot for her birthday and she started hanging on me too which caused Bff to come up to me and say, "Mikee, her boyfriends right there!" I'm not sure what I said, but it was something along the lines of, "no, its okay, trust me." Don't worry, I didn't do anything with her, she was just drunk and flirty.

Well soon 2am comes around and the bar is closing, but I insist that the party will continue in my apartment! Wasn't much of a party, it was Bff, Mom, Chantgirl, and Actor hanging out in my living room-I also invited Hn1 over and she brought the guy she was hooking up with at the time: a total toolbag with giant arms, and I did not give him this nickname, but his nickname was Gunz.

The thing about Gunz is, as much as I tried to hate him for being a tool, he was waaaaaay too nice of a guy to hate, and I actually liked him, although this is at a point of the semester where I was trying to get with Hn1 still, so it was always a little weird.

Like I said, it wasn't much of a party, especially because I did not have nearly as much alcohol as I thought I did. But there was a point in the night where Chantgirl asked me for a tour of my apartment, and when I got to my empty bedroom, she started to give me a blowjob. I should probably establish my mindset for the night, I had just met a pretty hot girl who, seemingly out of nowhere, was sucking my dick...shit like this never really happens to me. But in my own rationalization of what was going on, I decided that she was only attracted to me because I was starting funny chants...hence the nickname, "Chantgirl."

Next thing I knew, it was morning and I woke up on the recliner hungover like a motherfucker ready for class...I did not get Chantgirl's number nor did I expect anything else to happen ever again.

Maybe a month or so passed and Bigirl and I went to visit Bff at work-she worked in a bar/restaurant in the next town. Needless to say, Chantgirl is bartending...also this is when I injured my shoulder and I'm wearing a sling, she has not asked me why, also, she hasn't really even acknowledged me whatsoever, so I figure it was just a one night stand where some hot drunk girl blew me because I was funny and saved her from a creepy old guy.

I ran into Chantgirl in the bar a few weeks later and I asked her if she remembered me and she said, "of course I do....Mikee, right?" Bff later assured me that she asked her earlier in the night, "wait, your friend's name is Mikee, right?"

Now we must fast forward to Easter. I had went home but Bff stayed at school to work and she called me late that night saying she had something important to tell me.

"Mikee, I might have hooked up with someone last night..."
I quickly tried to think about who was still at school. "Was it Ben?"
"No! You don't know them that well..."
"Ew,, wrong sex."
"...Hn1? Because that would be hot."
"NO! Chantgirl!"

Well here's the thing, I never knew Bff was bisexual in the slightest bit, but what the fuck, its college, go experiment, ladies. Needless to say, the conversation got waaay better:

"She kept asking where you were, and if you'd be interested in a three-way."

So I've banged my portion of girls, but there are two things sexually I have never done, and one of them is a threeway. I wasn't really down with this threesome however, mostly because I always imagined Bff, seeing how she is my best friend, as a guy-I have never done anything with her, and people find this weird because of how close we are, but truthfully, although she is a hot girl, I am just not interested. I might have suggested that I would be soooo interested if it was Chantgirl and someone else, at risk of jeopardizing the friendship.

Anyway, no threeways ever happened unfortunately.

So one day I was in the Bff's apartment when she was on the phone with Chantgirl telling her it would be alright because "he was stupid and he fucked up." I asked her what she was talking about and she said

"Oh, Chantgirl's boyfriend got arrested."
Wait, Chantgirl has a boyfriend? Well, apparently, they've been together for three years, so they were definitely together when she blew me. Do I care? Not at all. I'm not even phased by the fact that he got arrested for getting into a high speed chase with police because he didn't have his car insured. Then I started to wonder if she even knows that she gave me a blowjob.

Then the post "I'm gonna start going to the bar by myself more often" happened, where I hooked up with three girls in one night, including Chantgirl again. That marks the last time I saw her...I guess its cool that this hot girl cheated on her boyfriend with me multiple times, without me even knowing he existed, nor her seeming like she cared. It all made me kinda wish I had that threesome afterall.

During Finals Week, Bff got another call, this time from Chantgirl's boyfriend, demanding to know if she was cheating on him. I just laughed.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Florida Part Three: "...How About Forty?"

So its Saturday and Joey has to work from 2pm till be honest, I was kinda expecting to take the night off of drinking. Babyface and I were watching the Inter Milan vs some German team soccer game and he told me there was a 4-mile path across the street from the complex that "hot girls" always go running on. Well, I brought a pair of running shoes, so I decided to go for a run.

Now this path was a circle that spanned past condo complex after condo complex and I was just staring at all these complexes as I ran. I remember one complex, after about a mile of running, was called "Bromuda" and I thought it was funny. So anyway, I keep running and I'm starting to wonder how much fucking longer this path could possibly be before getting back to Joey's place when suddenly, I pass Bromuda again. Turns out, I ran strait past Joey's place and had to turn around and go back...all in all, running about six miles.

Well after running six miles, I decided it was time to start drinking. After finishing our 18 pack, Babyface suggests we to go Hard Rock, which is an outdoor casino with multiple bar areas, like the place we were at last night. He was raving about a specific drink called a pile driver or what not.

Well we arrived and I followed him to a distant bar where he ordered two pile drivers and it was about this point that I realized pile drivers are daiquiris. Although its against all manlaw code, it was a daiquiri with a high alcohol content, so I was fine with it.

So here I am drinking a daiquiri with Babyface and we start to talk and I can safely say we wind up bonding. Now here is the thing about Babyface, he was on and off going out with this smoking hot girl from like 9th grade through last year that I used to kinda wanna bone but gave up as it seemed they were meant for each other. He confirmed that she is, in fact, a fucking psycho and then showed me his phone...she called him 17 times that night, which is actually her normal behavior, and he never answered...he lives in Florida now, she lives in New York, they are not together, why would he need to answer? So I instantly compare his ex to Cousin2 and well, it was the most we talked, I think, since like eighth grade.

He then proceeded to tell me a story about how he went to Atlantic City with his family and wound up banging a 45 year old cougar. He even had a picture of her, and she was pretty hot for a 45 year old.

So after bonding with Babyface, we head into the casino and find roulette machines to play on. I put about 40 bucks into one machine and I was maybe up to about 80 dollars when Babyface tells me that he keeps hitting number I usually bet on the outside but I figure, since I'm up money, I might as well go for it, and I put six dollars on 22, as well as 2 on black. ...Would you believe I fucking hit it? Suddenly I was up 540 dollars, so I gave Babyface his commission, of 40 bucks, and then we headed into another bar.

So we were sitting at this bar and, I guess I was really happy about winning 500 bucks, so then this girl came up beside me and started talking to me. Now she was like 30 years old, she was decent, and in my opinion, she looked kinda like Dino in about ten years, and my mind alerted no alarm as to why she would be interested in me.

So we were talking for like 20 minutes, I even bought her a drink, and at about this point, she leans into my ear and says

"300 bucks, and I'll do anything you want."

Now I'm thinking, No fucking way, she is a whore? ...Actually, I said that aloud, "No fucking way, you're a whore?"

She says "you got 300 or should I go talk to another guy?"

I tell her to go find someone else and I tell Babyface and we have a laugh.

So after a few more drinks, she is still just sitting like 3 stools away from us, and we decide its time to leave...but not before I get an idea. I walk back over to the girl and I say

"...How about forty?"

Needless to say, she then proceeded to obnoxiously laugh at me, and I think she even told the bartender who also laughed at me, so we just left. As we were leaving the casino, Babyface assured me that I most likely wouldn't have had somewhere to bring her anyway, seeing how I was sleeping on a vinyl couch in 86 degree weather.

Well we stopped back at the roulette machines again because Babyface insisted I bet on number 18 this time...I did...and won another fifty bucks. Awesome.

So while driving back at about 5am, Babyface is hammered and driving by the way, we stop at IHOP for breakfast and it hits me...I just won 550 bucks at Hard Rock, and then counter offered a prostitute's 300 dollar offer with a 40 of my own.

All in all, I think I need to bring Babyface with me from now on whenever I gamble.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Florida Part Two: Why You Shouldn't Pee on Hotdog Venders

So I wake up on Joey's couch at about 2pm to my phone ringing. To my surprise, I am getting a call from Shorty who tells me that she, too, is in Florida! She goes on to say that she is down there with her boyfriend and his family...keep in mind, this is the same boyfriend that she cheated on when we hooked up last that makes 3 fuckable girls in Florida with boyfriends.

Its okay though because Shorty is free all day/night because her boyfriend is going to his cousin's play or whatnot with his family and she somehow got out of it. So I tell Babyface and Joey and we decide to hold a little get-together at the house to pregame for the bars that night. Joey invites all his employees and Babyface, having only moved down to Florida in March, just kinda hangs out there, and I attempt to give Shorty directions to Joey's condo.

So these are Joey's co-workers:
1. AHWTF-a big fat ugly girl with hairy ass arms
2. Militia girl-a tan spanish girl in army fatigues
3. Iraq-A girl whose boyfriend was in Iraq, and she couldn't stop talking about him
4. Jewish Turtle-Essentially, Turtle from Entourage if he was Jewish.
5. Lanky-Jewish Turtle's "crazy" cousin

So we start to play beerpong again and Babyface and I are dominating, so I have barely said a word to all these other people. Then I walk over and take a seat by them while they start talking about me...apparently, they all thought I was "cute in the face."

So Shorty arrives in her boyfriend's grandma's rangerover and Joey, Babyface, Jewish Turtle, Lanky, and I pile in to go to the bars. Before this, all the other girls say goodbye, and I am forced to give AHWTF a kiss on the cheek, thus making me want to brush my teeth. Then we leave and well, we don't exactly go to the bars, we go to this outdoor concourse that basically looked like the concession stands in Citi Park, but it was really nice and had bar after bar after bar.

So we went to one of the bars and started drinking beer by the bucket, literally they sold buckets of beer. So obviously, I get drunk.

Now the outside area is full of little concession stands, a few cotton candy stands, a few hotdog stands etc. And we are basically barhopping in this large ass cobblestone pathway of bars. Well, eventually, its time for me to take a piss.

Now to justify my actions here, public urination is soooooo normal in New York. Plus, its not like there was a roof above us, we were outside, I don't care what kind of establishment it was. Well, anyway, I find a nice little conceded corner, between the wall and a hotdog cart, and I start to pee. After a few seconds, I hear,

"What are you doing?!"

I think I answered with something like, "its okay, don't worry."

"No, are you relieving yourself?"

At this point, I realize this is the operator of the cart, and I zip up and start to walk away. I get about twenty feet away when a guy runs up to me and yells

"Did you just take a piss on that hotdog cart?"

I, of course, said No, but suddenly, I have masses of people running up to me trying to detain me, including security officers.

Now this is a little hazy, but out of nowhere, Shorty jumps in and starts passionately defending me, saying I'm from New York and I don't know any better, blah blah blah...apparently, she even cleans my piss off the hotdog cart for me. Well, I got away, it was phenomenal.

So we went back to Joey's and its time for Shorty to go back to her boyfriend's, but not before we "go for a little walk."

So I thank Shorty for saving me from getting arrested, because apparently in Florida, public urination is an arrestable offense, and I maybe tell her how awesome it was that she defended me.

So Shorty is cheating on her boyfriend with me again, and I'm frantically trying to get her to blow me right here, in the open parking lot of a condominium complex where angry old jewish people watch you like vultures with the phone in their hand and security on speed dial. Well, once a security car drove by us, this all occurred to me and I work on trying to convince her to blow me by the pool, but this doesn't work and we say goodbye.

All in all, day two of Florida involved me almost getting arrested for peeing on a hotdog cart and then deciding that Shorty is a keeper because she cheated on her boyfriend for me twice, saved me from getting arrested, and, AND, cleaned my piss off said hotdog cart. Awesome.

...Believe it or not, this trip gets better in Part 3

Florida Part One: Oh Yes, There Will Be Strippers

Okay so, if you guys are not familiar with this fact/have never seen Goodfellas, Florida, for people who live in New York, is the equivalent of "dying and going to Jew-Heaven." Yep...even in Jew Heaven there are Rick Ross Ghettos, more cops than people, and noisy college kids who park their jaguars in your designated parking spot-the last one's not a big deal because you can just have security tow their car at the risk of furthering your faith's stereotype.

Jew Heaven has its positives, however...for example, its beautiful, its always sunny, and there are more strip clubs than you've ever seen in your life. There are also hot ass college girls and, even though the bartenders/bouncers in The Grove are total douchebags, you can maybe arrive in time to have one conversation before settling on dropping 300 bucks for a lapdance elsewhere.

About a month ago, Florida had its varied benefits for me as well.

There was a girl from my highschool who, when I was in eleventh grade and she was in tenth, sat behind me in one of my classes and absolutely LOVED me. The catch was, she was pretty ugly, so naturally, I ignored the shit out of her. Then she moved to Tampa and, according to facebook, got smoking hot...but then a year passed and she got a boyfriend, and he remained around for another two years. It was back in late March, however, when I got a text from her:

"Hey Mikee...Guess what, I'm single!"

Well, it doesn't take a genius to wait for his tax rebate check to come in the mail and then use it to buy a plane ticket. The one problem is that this girl has become so smoking hot that, in the month and a half it took for me to finally buy this plane ticket, she got herself another boyfriend...exactly one week before my flight, to be precise.

Well, that's okay because I had another booty call. There was a girl who moved down to Florida for college last year that we went to highschool with named Durty. I call her Durty because she, well, matured sexually at the age of 14 and kinda worked up that reputation early. I can safely say though that in the last five years, including two years of warding off Beans's constant attempts to bang her, she has cleaned up significantly. Oh, and she was never ugly...and yes, I did bang her once about a year and a half ago, but I mean, it would have been awkward if I didn't bang her, it was one of those situations. Anyway, once again my luck fucks me over and, the week before my flight she, too, gets a fucking boyfriend.

Well with my two booty calls in relationships, I was happy that I could at least meet up with Joey. Now Joey was my best friend from 5th grade through 12th grade, when he decided to move to Florida "for college," but really to live with his rich dad. Now Joey's dad is the man; every time I go to Florida and Joey and I come back with girls, Joey's dad comes back with even more girls. The other thing about Joey's dad is that none of us have any idea what the fuck this man does for a living. He is essentially The Most Interesting Man In the World, and his living room is decorated with pictures of him with Presidents, yes that is ploral, PresidentS. There are pictures of Joey's dad shaking hands with both the Bush's, Clinton, Reagan, Carter, and even Ford...again, we have now clue what the fuck this guy does.

Well, Joey doesn't live with his dad anymore unfortunately. He now lives in a condominium complex with our friend from highschool, Babyface...Babyface and I used to be really close in junior high but we haven't talked much recently.

Now Joey does not go to school now, he never really did, but he actually manages a surf shop, after spending years as a mindless employee there. For that matter, Babyface does not go to school either, but he is hoping to re-apply next semester after taking about two years off...He graduated 15th in our highschool class. So right away, I don't even feel like a college student, I feel like a 20-something single guy bro-ing out in Miami for a weekend...which actually is not that bad of a thing.

So I get on my plane in New York and sitting on my left is a fat ass slob who just has an endless supply of candy in his seatback. Making this worse is that the fucker falls asleep right away and every fifteen minutes, basically on the dot, he elbows me in the fucking arm while sleeping. Don't ask me how I got through the flight without dropping money on booze.

So when I arrived at the airport, I had to wait about 40 minutes for Joey to come get me because the fucker drove to the wrong airport. But once he did arrive, we drove back to his place and he parked his car in what he thought was a guest actually belonged to some 80 year old Jewish guy who promptly had security tow it. Now one thing about Joey I forgot to say, he was born in Austria. Joey is incredibly foreign, and you'd probably never guess it at first glance, but Joey is essentially an Ellis Island Immigrant who came to this country in 1994. I'm saying, he will gladly enjoy life working for minimum wage, he cannot cook, cannot clean/do laundry, he dons American flags on numerous things he owns, and lastly, he does not trust himself to stand up to security officers who tow his car(Cops are another story). So Joey calls his father who assures us that he'll handle it.

With that out of the way, Joey and I walk to Chillies where he starts pounding Long Island Iced Teas...that's just what he does now. So I start doing the same and we are hammered by 8pm, when we decide to get an 18pack and walk back to the condo...keep in mind, this entire community is Old and Jewish beyond repair, we are the only young kids and we garnish such hatred onto the faces of everyone else wherever we go.

So after a while of drinking, Babyface comes home from work and we decide to head down to The Grove, which, if you guys are not aware, are the main college bars for FIU, UMiami, and whatever other schools are around there. Now I love college bars, but when they are so crowded that you wouldn't be able to have a conversation anyway, they kinda suck.

So the three of us head over to a bar I go to every time I'm down there, whose name I still don't know, but they have beerpong tables set up. Now, in case you guys are not aware, I am the best beerpong player I know, so I sign up me and Joey for a game and go to get a pitcher of beer. The catch is, the bartenders may have been the biggest douchebags on the planet: one was talking to two girls, not doing anything else, one was watching tv, and the other, whose attention I got, told me he was "off-duty," and that one of the other two would have to help me. So needless to say, I am pissed off by the time I get my pitcher.

Now just as our game starts, against these two hot ass girls, the bar closes. Every bartender/bouncer has come up to us telling us we had to leave but since apparently one of the hot girls is fucking one of the bouncers, we were allowed to play...this until douchebag bartender number one comes up and starts tossing all our cups into the garbage. I didn't say anything, apparently Joey had plans to go to another bar.

...To a bar where all the girls are half naked and require money to talk to!

Now here is the thing about me and strippers...I don't treat them like people, I obnoxiously stare at their asses, I don't pull out any bills bigger than one, I spend a lot of time texting, and I, pretty much, just feel out of place altogether. Especially this one where, the floor was made of sand and there was a large tinted window in the back from behind which Tony Soprano awkwardly stared at us.

Okay, tangent time...small tangent, this will be another post eventually. Last year, when I went to Miami, around my birthday, Joey and I went to a strip club and I, inadvertently, wound up dropping 200 bucks on a lap dance. But, that's for another day's discussion.

So Joey's telling Babyface, and every stripper who comes over to talk to us, about how I dropped 200 bucks on a lapdance last year, and now these strippers, keep in mind, I'm just staring at asses, are offering me all kinds of things from massages to free breakfast...yes, she actually offered me free breakfast...don't misinterpret this, there was a buffet in the back. Well, I would have went along with this, except I'm pretty sure strippers don't take credit...I was out of fucking cash.

So, we decided we'd come back when I had money.

...Florida Part Two is to follow.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Mikee is An Asshole.

Okay so last night we went to a party...yes a party, at our friend's house on the other side of town. It was BYOB and we had a decimated 30 pack which we left at Andrew's house that we decided to take. I also found a bag of beer in my basement refrigerator which I decided to throw into our beer supply, half of which I loaded into my cargo shorts pockets so the bag wouldn't break on the walk. So Andrew, Monotone, and I arrive at this party, Andrew holding a 30 pack that's about to burst open, Monotone holding half of a warm 18 pack he found on his porch, and me holding a bag of beer, with about seven more beers in my pockets.

Then Monotone and I start playing beerpong and we win about eight strait was pretty cool. So now I'm drunk and I overhear these two girls talking about each other's pet dogs saying "He is so cute!" I intervene in the conversation and say something along the lines of, "stop talking about me!" Well from this point on, every time this girl saw me she said "hey cutie!" ...I guess that's pretty cool.

So the night goes on and Sprick almost gets into a fight prompting the kid's parents to come out and intervene; Sprick and the kid have been friends for a long time, so this was okay. It kinda pissed me off though, not sure why, so I was very mad at Sprick.

Well then the night wound down and it was time to make the frivolous walk home. Now by this point, Monotone had disappeared, we legit had no clue where he could have went, so we started to walk home anyway. The group walking is Andrew, myself, Long Arms, Bitter, Jegabombs, Sprick, and Pronk-Pronk is a tall, doofy Italian kid who has two older twin sisters, a dad who does not know any English, and a family, including him, whose combined IQ does not hit 100.

So while walking, I get the idea to call Britt, a old booty call of mine who, thanks to facebook, I know is recently single. I also know she has a minivan which would fit all of us, so I call her and ask for a ride...and she agrees!

So I make the announcement that we have a ride home, but then I turn to Sprick and tell him he can't come because he's an asshole. Sprick replies by saying

"What if I take off all my clothes and run up the block?"

Well, it wouldn't be a story if I didn't say yes. So now Sprick is butt naked running up a residential block at 3:30am yelling at the top of his lunges. Then Sprick decides it would be funny if he grabs Longarms and tosses him to the ground. Well needless to say, Longarms then grabs a still naked Sprick and tosses him face first onto the pavement, threatening to kick his ass right there. Now in this pavement toss, Sprick's clothes scatter, and I decide to grab his shoe and throw it about five houses down a side block...not sure why, I think just because I was an asshole.

So before any kind of fight happens, the owner of the house whose front lawn Sprick is lying on naked, comes out saying she has called the cops and all that shit. Now Pronk is escorting Longarms away so he doesn't actually kick Sprick's ass and the rest of us follow, leaving Bitter alone to deal with Sprick.

So we get to the end of the block where Britt pulls up in her minivan...obviously she did not expect to give all my friends rides home. And just as we're getting into the car, Andrew and Jegabombs hold up and say they're gonna wait for Bitter, so we leave without them.

So Britt drops Longarms and Pronk off and then insists that she has to go back for Andrew because he's my friend and she feels guilty. We find Andrew and Jegabombs still walking and pick them up, I ask what happened with Sprick and Bitter and Jegabombs replies

"They can't find one of his shoes."
So she drops them off and we go to a 24 hour deli to get food, which made me instantly shit like a fucking wildcat, and then we go to my basement where I refuse to turn off Sportscenter, so she merely passes out on my couch. No, I didn't get anything out of the booty call but I don't think she realized how drunk I was when she promised to pick me up...also, hey, there's always tonight!

Saturday, May 15, 2010

My First Time in AC

It was a quote from Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia that stated the layout of every group of friends: The Looks, The Brains, and The Wildcard. Now I can relate this to my home friends: Andrew is the looks(no homo), Kyle is the brains(even though he's a highshool dropout), and I am, by far, the wildcard. Then we have reserves for our spots, like Monotone is Andrew's reserve for looks, and Beans is my reserve for wildcard.

Well anyway, after that quick introduction of my four closest home friends, I can proceed with the story. Now, last summer, Long Arms was turning 21 and he planned out a trip to Atlantic City. When he told us about it, I learned that he already had a full car: Him, Bitter, Butch(an Offensive lineman for Iona), and Sprick, even though Sprick was only like 19.

So I decided it was time to go to AC for the first time and I asked my four closest friends if they were down. Now, Andrew and Kyle's birthdays were not until October, so they were still 20 and declined getting in trouble, and upon hearing this, Monotone, who was only 19, backed out as well. That left just Beans and myself, the only two of the group who were legally able to gamble.

Okay let me pause the story to give a more accurate description of Beans. He is about 5'10, he is chubby, he has pail white skin, thick glasses, used to have a bad acne problem, he has a raspy, whiny voice, and he lost his virginity when he was 21, and has not stopped talking about sex since. He is a college dropout, but he has a steady career so he has money, which he uses to dress himself in all Ed Hardy, Gucci, and Prada(yes, Prada). He also regularly does every pill on a daily basis, and he might be the most embarrassing person to be beside when girls are present. Okay, I think I covered him.

So I decide to drive down...big surprise. Now, if there is one thing Beans is randomly good at, its driving. I don't get it, it makes no sense, but he is the best driver I've ever met, like when he's driving, I feel like I'm 5 and in the car with my parents, he is that good. So when I picked him up, the first thing I said is "okay, you're driving," and so he got into the driver's seat and we started down.

Now all on the way to Atlantic City, he kept saying the same thing, "I am gonna get laid tonight! I can't wait!" ...I'm not sure if he was confusing AC for Vegas or if he just felt especially confident in himself that evening, but he was 100% convinced he would get laid by, at worst, a prostitute.

Also, I spent most of the trip down on the phone with my dad trying to get him to let us use his comped room in the Tropicana, where Long Arms and all them were staying. The one problem was Tropicana was completely booked and no one who was not the person who got the comping(comping?) was going to be allowed to stay in a room. So, long story short, my dad assures us he'd buy a room in the Quality Inn outside of Trop where we can spend the night..he offered to pay for it because he assured us he could get us a room, and couldn't.

So as we enter Atlantic City for the first time, Beans is telling me a story about his secret Asian massage parlor in New York that gives happy endings, and how he goes every day during his lunch break, and how I should come along too because supposedly Kyle agreed to try it out, which I doubt is true. But anyway, we drive up to the Tropicana and pull into the parking garage and park. Now for the entire duration of the trip down, I told him he could not smoke weed in my what does this fucker do, the second we get out of the car, he lights up a fucking bowl in the Tropicana parking garage! Once I saw him do this, I just turned my back and walked away...fucking Beans.

So we get into Tropicana and meet up with the guys at a sportsbar upstairs and we all start drinking. Next thing I remember, Beans and I are playing a game of pool against Butch and some random guy he just met on crutches. Now crutch guy was an okay person, but Beans absolutely despised him, I don't know why...every time crutch guy spoke Beans would lean into my ear and say "I'm gonna fucking hit this guy."

So we went up to Long Arms room and started to play beerpong on the ironing board, and Butch is hammered and just falling into things. Oh yeah, and there's birthday cake, don't ask me where it came from, but we all just demolished it.

Then I remember Butch challenged me to a wrestling match, now I wrestled from 7th grade through 12th grade, and I was drunk, so next thing I knew, I was having a wrestling match with Iona's starting Offensive lineman...but I won! Yes, I pinned him, and, now this is why I hate drunk wrestling people who never wrestled in their lives, because after I win the match, they don't want to admit defeat. So Butch puts me into a choke hold, hitting me in the mouth in the process, and all I remember seeing is blood dripping down from my face onto his forearm.

Not sure how I got out of it, but I was looking at myself in the mirror and Butch had successfully hit my upper lip into my teeth so now there was a huge cut inside my mouth that hurt like a bitch. This is about the time that I make the decision to check into our hotel room, shower, and get ready for the night.

So Beans and I go outside and walk to the Quality Inn nextdoor to the Tropicana where the attendant asks if I just got into a fight and I have to actually say something along the lines of "no, I was play wrestling my offensive lineman friend and he would not accept defeat so he put me into a choker hold but missed my neck." Then I tell them my name and I find out that we do not have a reservation there. The clerk then assures us that there is another Quality Inn, about a mile away and that the reservation was probably made there. I asked if its in walking distance and the clerk replied "Yes, if you like crack and hos." ...So Beans replies "Yes! I like crack and hos! Lets walk it!" ...the clerk thought he was joking, he wasn't.

So Beans and I are walking down Pacific Avenue holding our luggage and, I think it was in front of Caesar's Palace, a group of girls stop me:

"Oh hi."
"Where you guys going?"
"To our hotel."
"Where are you guys gonna be at tonight?"

It was about this point in the conversation when Beans grabbed me by the arm and started pulling me away from the girls.

"Come on, Mikee, lets go!"

This action caused our conversation to end and now we were walking down the street again and I was pissed.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Beans?"
"They were prostitutes!"
"...They were our age!"
"That doesn't mean anything, you don't know what the world is like, girls our age can be prostitutes!"
"...Dude, you don't know what girls our age are like, you don't even go to college."
"Yeah but I know what the real world is like."

Okay so lets start a running tally, number of times in one night Beans cockblocks me. Its at 1 now.

So we get to the Quality Inn and there is a cute girl behind the desk who I'm contemplating flirting with while she books us for the room...that is until Beans flat out asks "So where is the crack and hos at?"


We get upstairs, shower, and start back towards Tropicana to meet up with everyone else, but this time we decide to walk on the boardwalk because "there are less prostitutes there." So as we get close to the Trop, we walk past a massage parlor and, keep in mind its only like 6:30 at night so there are still families and kids and stuff on the boardwalk(and prostitutes roam Pacific Avenue before 6:30 looking for Johns), but anyway, we walk past a massage parlor and the lady standing in front calls out to us "Massages!" Beans shouts back, across a crowded Atlantic City Boardwalk:


I drop my head in embarrassment and look back to him, "did you really just fucking say that?"
"WHAT? I get them all the time back home while on my lunch break! There's this asian place in the city, Kyle said he was gonna come."

So we get back to the Trop and we eat in Hooters where we might have had the hottest waitress in history who Butch would not stop hitting on, convinced he would get with her because he was still hammered. Then we went back upstairs, played more ironing board beerpong, and headed down at about 11 to some bar on the first floor. All I remember about this bar is sitting in the corner with Bitter making fun of people, specifically Beans as he tried to dance with a girl who was not having any. Also, the DJ was either the most gullible person ever, or about 80% of the bar was celebrating their 21st birthdays.

So we decide we will head upstairs to this club and, in all honesty, I fucking hate clubs. I think clubs are the worst environments ever, they make me want to vomit, so I'm skeptical about even going with them. Then, basically the second I plant my foot onto the top floor, I did not even imply that I was going to the club, a bouncer outside of the club points to me, from like 200 feet away, and says

"You can't come in! You're wearing sneakers!"

Now I'm drunk so I say something along the lines of "Good, clubs suck anyway!" and I start away towards one of the other bars on the top floor. Without even realizing, Beans followed me and everyone else stayed in the club line.

So Beans and I head to an Irish pub, which is totally my kind of bar, where there is a shitty-ass live band is playing. The bulk of conversation in this pub was "wow, this band sucks." But I deemed it suitable.

So I start talking to this really cute girl and Beans appears out of nowhere and starts talking to her too. Now this is a drunk move I pull every now and then when I'm trying to utilize Beans as a wingman, I leave Beans and the girl alone to talk to each other so that, by comparison, I'm an easy winner. Except this time, it backfires and Beans offends her somehow and she leaves. 3.

Then there is a Bachelerette Party going around, and they're all wearing these matching tiarras. I remember going to the bathroom for a minute and when I returned, I saw Beans talking with them so I approached. One girl goes:

"We're doing a Scavenger hunt! Can we have your boxers?"

Now there was no way in hell I was just gonna give up my boxers, so I tell them I'm not wearing any. Then Beans arises into my conversation:



The only other thing I can recall about this bar was Beans standing next to me talking about another girl that shot him down "because he was from New York." I wanted to turn to him and say, "Yeah, that's why, its not because you're loud, socially awkward, obnoxious, ugly, and think about sex 24/7."

Then we went downstairs and got something to eat and when Beans took out his wallet to pay, three Oxycontin fell out. Thank God the cashier just laughed at him.

Then we went back to our ghetto hotel and smoked on the was a good way to end the night.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Old story: Party Weekend

In order to keep my school a secret, I will refrain from calling this weekend what it is actually called.

So about a week before I started this blog we had a rugby game scheduled at another school in Pennsylvania during their annual biggest weekend of drunk parties. I went to "party weekend" last year and it was a shit show, so I was ready to get hammered all weekend and play a game of rugby somewhere in the middle.

I informed Ben about our trip and, seeing how Ben had a friend who went to this school, I assured that I would drive down with him so that I had a place to stay/shower after the game. So, Ben and I left our school at about 2pm on Friday and, half way to the second school, we hit terrible traffic just as Ben has to take a major piss. So what does this fucker do? He finds a water bottle in my car and pisses in it while we're in traffic on I-81. ...then, he fills this water bottle to capacity and still has to pee, so I have to chug my Gatorade and vodka mixture so he had a bottle to continue pissing in without getting it all over my car.

Needless to say, I'm a little tipsy when we arrive at this school...and have to drive through a roadblock where cops stopped us and asked us what we were doing. I told them I had a rugby game to play and that I did not plan on driving drunk...even though I already was thanks to Ben, and they believed I was sober enough to let us in.

So we get to Ben's friend's house where his friend, Clean-cut, lives. Now I met Cleancut before, all he does with his life is drink, and he is about 24 and still in college due to his chronic drinking. I also found it rather funny that Cleancut lived in the ROTC house where every other resident was, in fact, in the army. All of Cleancut's roommates were out, at this point, participating in army training, so it was just the three of us until Hank arrived and we started playing beerpong.

So we play beerpong for about three hours and, in my sloppy drunkness, I realized that I totally missed the start of the rugby game. The catch is, campus is about a mile back, back through the roadblock, and I am hammered, so the drunk rugby game I envisioned was not about to happen.

Now I am hammered and playing Call of Duty...big surprise, the Army house has COD in their living room, and Cleancut runs out to his girlfriend's house for a little bit. Hank then somehow convinces us to go to the house next-door where they are playing beerpong and we head over and are, for some odd reason, welcome to hang out and drink free beer.

In our drunkenness, we bring this whole house over the Army house where Cleancut has returned with a case of some Smirnoff shit insisting his girlfriend and her friends are coming by. We then introduce him to our new friends, who he already knew, and all already had these nicknames:

Lasagna-a hairy slob content to just drink as much as possible and be a drunk mess 24/7.
Scrotum-a tall, skinny Italian kid who said 4 words all night.
Diabetes-a short kid with a shaved head who, apparently earned this nickname because he, well, has diabetes
Bruce Lee-a small, swift, skinny kid who, I don't think was Asian, but he looked like an Asian and talked like an Asian.

Then these random girls come over and I learn that one of them is going out with Cleancut's roommate. The only other thing I remember about these girls is that one of them was named Katrina and we were playing beerpong together and every time she missed a shot I said something along the lines of "first you fucked up New Orleans, then you miss this cup?" I also had Katrina convinced that I had family in New Orleans...wasn't expecting her to actually have family in New Orleans and start asking me questions like 'what part are they from?' and 'did everyone get out okay?'

So I am exposed as having told a total lie to Katrina and I leave the pong table to the back porch where Hank is giving Scrotum a haircut...I did not ask, I did not want to know, and Lasagna and Diabetes are taking turns peeing on Cleancut's truck, from Ben's advice.

So I get inside and Ben has his arm around Cleancut's girlfriend openly hitting on her. Cleancut is playing a COD tourniment with his roommates in the other room and Bruce Lee is schooling them. So I head upstairs to the bathroom where two of the girls are standing in line waiting for the bathroom. One thing leads to another and I'm hitting on the better looking of the two, apparently my game is so good that she has let the other girl go to the bathroom by herself. Anyway, we make a deal to play pong together downstairs after we pee, and I convince her I live in the house...don't ask me why...and because I've convinced her of this, it means I'm in the army.

So I take my piss and return downstairs where I am approached by Katrina, the girl I was talking to, and two of their friends saying ", you don't live here." ...apparently I had no shot with this girl because this was the girlfriend of the other guy in the house, who I never met. Now I am hammered so I merely call their bluff and pass out on a couch.

I woke up the following morning at 6am to Lasagna standing over me yelling "MOTHER FUCKING PARTY WEEKEND!" So I force myself out of bed, go upstairs and take a shit, and return downstairs to where Lasagna has passed back out, and everyone else is still fast asleep. Now I am wide fucking awake, so I go outside on the porch and have my first beer of the day. While out here, Hank comes out to smoke his first cigarette of the day and suggests we go get breakfast...I get about half way down the block, towards the diner, when I realize I probably cannot bring a beer into the diner at six in the morning, and toss my can somewhere.

So Hank and I grab a booth and he orders biscuits and gravy for breakfast...biscuits and gravy...I have never seen someone actually eat biscuits and gravy before, I always thought it was a fictional meal, but this fucker sat across from me and chomped between which he was pointing to random girls that came in insisting he would try to fuck them.

So we get back to the house where everyone is awake and we all start drinking on the front porch...everyone that steps on the grass is forced to, by Lasagna, to do thirty push ups...and they all do. So after about an hour or so we make a walk to Cleancut's girlfriend's house where there is a live band set up and she is avidly cooking breakfast for all 150 people in her front yard drinking.

Well we all continue drinking, and keep in mind its only like 11am, and so we're all outside playing beerpong in the terribly windy weather where the balls are not even coming close to the cups. To make this situation better, the property is surrounded by yellow caution tape and there are two state troopers just watching us, and whenever someone crosses the yellow caution tape with a beer, the troopers tackle them and put them in handcuffs. Also, everyone is booing the band because they suck.

Anyway, after a couple of hours, Cleancut and I are playing beerpong and the local tv news shows up to film us. Also filming us is some angry townie who, I think, thought he could maybe get us in trouble for turning his quiet college town into drink-fest 2010. Basically, Cleancut and I were on tv playing what might have been the longest and worst beerpong game of my put this in perspective, after the game I had to take a piss so long that it lasted longer than the duration of the game.

So finally, feeling the pressure of the cameras, I step up and make the last two cups so I could force out this epic piss. As I walked inside, some random kid asked me if he could come in to pee and I said yes, one again acting like I lived there, but only after I peed. Once I finished my piss, I walked out of the bathroom to find this kid getting carried out by the other residents for passing out on the dryer. It was during this that I discovered a new type of drunk food: room temperature chocolate chip pancakes dipped in queso me.

So then we run out of beer, but Bruce Lee keeps producing beers from somewhere, don't ask me how...he was basically sneaking into other people's stashes and coming back to give us beer. Also, Lasagna had gotten out of the yellow tape and was drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette with the State Troopers, who actually seemed to enjoy his company.

So anyway, we arrived back at Cleancut's house to find his landlord cleaning the front porch, extremely pissed off at him. This landlord had to be the funniest shaped Danny Devito bodied fucker I've ever seen. Cleancut explained that we hadn't been there all afternoon but the Landlord was a dick and kept yelling at him. So Ben and I are "cleaning" the place to appease the asshole landlord as we hear him yelling at Cleancut on the front porch...this gives me an idea. I walked behind the landlord to where Cleancut could see me but he cannot and dropped my pants.

I stood there, naked from the waste down, for about three minutes...Cleancut holding his composure the whole time...before I turned around and made my stature into a full on moon. Well I had rather poor timing because this is exactly when the landlord turned around...and told me he never wanted to see me on his property again.

So I got about three houses down, still drinking my beer, when Hank called me and told me to come back, saying it was probably the funniest thing he'd ever seen. When I returned, Ben was passed out, Lasagna and Scrotum were playing one-on-one beerpong, Bruce Lee still had beer, and Hank was asking everyone who walked past for cigarettes seeing how he was out.

...Don't remember driving home, but I do remember finding two waterbottles full of piss in my backseat a few weeks later. Also, looking back, I can't imagine anyone in that town liking me anymore but I doubt I'll be back...ever. ...Good times.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Going to the Bar One Last Time

So Saturday was graduation, and I got to overhear everyone successfully complete their collegiate careers from my apartment window...but not before the landlady forces her disgusting fatbody into my room demanding to know why I hadn't moved out yet. I told her I didn't have a car, which is somewhat true because it was still parked somewhere by the bars, and that I was a graduation usher, which is a total lie seeing how you need a 3.4 gpa to usher graduation, and so I needed to wait for my parents to come get me...I later exaggerated that my parents were at a dinner party in the hamptons and drunk. Then it occurred to me that she probably has a list of people living in her building who are ushering graduation, but she never came back to question me, so I won.

Anyway, my parents arrive and I load all my shit into their car, have them take me to find my car, and go to Jegabomb's house to meet up with my home friends....I guess I should inform you about my home friends now, seeing how its summer and they'll probably be around a lot more:

Long Arms is a college basketball player who used Hgh in highschool, shooting him from 4'11 to 6'4. He is a total alcoholic.
Bitter is Long Arm's best friend, basically just drinks heavily every night and makes fun of people..he has more or less become a bitter old man.
Sprick-is a Spanish kid who is cool when hes sober but once drunk will get into fights, destroy stuff, and be the loudest, most annoying person ever.

So anyway, the five of us are drinking out of a keg at Jegabomb's house, and I bought a case of Keystones which we contribute to our drinking...keep in mind, this is at about 2pm. After a few beers, it is about 5pm and I realize that I am on an empty stomach, so I walk to CVS and get a variety of food: a bag of chex mix, a bag of jalapeno chips, a bag of honey roasted peanuts, and some flips. Now I am sitting there devouring every bag at once, but obviously I cannot finish all of this, so I save it for later.

Now the wind on Saturday was really bad, almost hurricane status. Sprick and I are throwing a football back and fourth while Jegabombs is sitting under a tree in his yard. All of a sudden, a breeze comes through and we hear a snap, and Jegabombs just gets up and hauls ass. There was a split second where we had no clue what was going on...then a frigin tree just falls right on Jegabomb's chair. Apparently Jegabombs had some form of spidey sense to get the fuck out of the way once he heard the snap. So anyway, we all throw the tree over the fence and let his neighbors deal with it.

Somewhere around this time, Sprick passes out and we decide to leave him behind before going to the apartment of some female friends of Jegabomb's to pregame.

So as we're getting ready for this taxi, I load up my pockets with everything I figure I would need for the night: cellphone, wallet, carkey, housekey, 3 keystones, one empty keystone, 2 condoms, cell phone charger, tin of skoal, ipod, headphones, and spare money...might be the record for must stuff ever kept in one pair of shorts.

So we get into the taxi and it takes us to this girl's apartment. Now this had to be the weirdest apartment I have ever seen, it was basically one long, endless hallway with a few bedrooms and a kitchen coming off of it. As for the girls, I was not that interested...I would have found them to be hot if I was hammered and/or they weren't all Persian. Anyway, we basically raid their refrigerator for alcohol, taking everything from boxed wine to some heavy ass Polish beer they had for some reason and we pound.

Next thing I knew, we were walking to Cb2, despite my objection...I was only objecting because I was wearing a hat and they don't allow hats inside because they only want people with full heads of hair getting laid. So we're in this bar and I'm the fucker standing there holding my fucking hat all night.

Anyway, I text CWG and see where she is at and she tells me to stop by Cb1. I meet up with her and buy her a birthday shot, and I might have confessed my undying love for her again, and even told her friends "This girl is amazing!" But, long story short, she agrees to meet me at Cb2.

So I get back to Cb2, where the bouncer is basically Eric Estrada if he was jacked and I run into a girl I used to hang out with when I lived in the dorms, lets call her Gina. So I'm kinda drunk now and I suggest we take shots, and I'm introducing Gina to everyone saying "This girl is not 21!" ...which she wasn't but, come on I'm not that much of an asshole.

Then suddenly someone grabs my shoulder. I turn around to reveal Eric Estrada:

"Do you want to get kicked out or something?"
"Didn't I say we don't allow hats in here?"
"Oh, I'm sorry" ...I now proceed to take the hat off.
"If I have to ask you again, I will drag you out."

So after that pleasant run in with the bouncer, I'm just looking around at people asking "did that really just happen?" And Gina is asking me to buy a shot for her friend too, which, looking back, I probably should have since her friend was hot, but I told her I had no money and just got shots for the two of us. We also exchanged numbers and she told me to "come find her later" before departing...I guess I was too drunk to actually go find her...yet another drunken thing I regret not doing.

Anyway CWG arrives and we dance for a little bit before I run into Mikee2...Mikee2 is a kid who was in my major who, when I first met him, I felt discouraged because my major already had a Mikee. Needless to say, we spent two years not really socializing with each other, mostly because we were basically the same person, but this semester we actually became close friends, mostly due to our Creative Writing class.

So I bring him over to CWG and I start a drunken "Creative Writing" chant and then I bring Mikee2 to the bar and insist we take shots. Now this makes shot number three that I have both bought for someone else and ingested. Then someone walks into the bar...its Sprick, up from his nap and still hammered, he drove out to meet us.

So Sprick is dancing with one of the Persian girls and Bitter and I are standing by the bar just making fun of people...then I bought him a shot too. Then CWG comes and says goodbye and I tell Bitter and Long Arms that I banged her, so they both start hitting on her.

Anyway, next thing I remember is we're walking back to the girl's apartment, and Sprick has driven back to Jegabomb's house to get the keg. Now we're raiding these girl's cabinets to find anything we can use as a cup so we can drink out of the keg...I had a ricotta container, Sprick had a Tupperware, Bitter had an empty Keystone can, etc. Then Jegabombs got into a fight with one of the girls so we had to pack up the keg and take it back to his house, and yes we all took our cups with us.

Sorry I don't remember more, but next thing I knew I woke up watching Law and Order with a six hour old lip in my mouth, all my food was gone, and I was on Jegabomb's floor and I was fifty dollars poorer from buying all those frigin shots. Oh and I still had a full Keystone in my pocket...apparently I had it there all night.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Hn2's Mom is a MILF!/My Last Final

Well, seeing how I'm not a student, I didn't really have to take any finals, but I decided I would take my poly sci final anyway for shits and giggles.

So before the final, I'm trying to clean my room so I can vacate the apartment in favor of my house on Sunday. As I'm cleaning, with a lip in my mouth, incidentally going through the desk drawer where I keep my condoms, the door opens to reveal Hn2 and her I'm sitting there spitting black shit into a water bottle holding a box of Trojan Ultra Thins..."Oh hi Hn2's mom, I'm the guy who banged your daughter a few times this semester."

Now one thing strikes me about Hn2's mom right away...she is a fucking MILF! So I guess this partially motivates me to help the two of them pack up Hn2's room and take it to her car. Now this whole time I'm walking boxes of girl shit outside, I still have this lip in my mouth, and I am trying to spit in such a way that Hn2's mom does not see me...and I'm spitting everywhere, like the floor of the stairwell and her apartment floor. Anyway, I help them pack up the car and say goodbye but then I get offered a free dinner, which I think I was obligated to partake in.

I tell them I have to be back by 4 for my final and Hn2 goes "Shut up Mikee, you're not a student!" And then proceeds to tell her mom about my academic blunder. "Hi Hn2's mom, I do spitting tobacco, I keep condoms in my desk drawer, I spit on floors, I fuck your daughter, and I don't go to school here...oh and you're a MILF"

Anyway, we go out to dinner and I say goodbye to Hn2 and proceed to my Poly sci final. Now here is the thing about my Poly Sci class, it is a cast of characters and everyone has a nickname. Here is the whole class basically:

-Myself, Tall, and Georgia
-Dan, who is a friend of ours and the only other person we talk to
-Creepy Sub Guy-a 40-something ex high school sub going back for his education, has ridiculous right-wing comments on everything and a small platoon of female followers, somehow.
-Army Guy-Creepy Sub Guy's Bosley, wears Army fatigues every fucking day.
-Teacher's Pet-raises his hand for every question, the only kid who read the textbook.
-The Southern Duo-They sit by us in the back and do nothing but dip and make comments to each other.
-Blondie-a quiet, cute blond girl who would have probably been drafted into Creepy Sub Guy's army if we didn't sit between him and her.
-Creepy Sub Guy's Army of Women-every other girl in the class

So our teacher, who is about to be fired by the way, walks in and suggests we all come up with nicknames so we can see our grades online without others knowing who we are. He says, "don't pick something stupid like 'banana head.'" So the class laughs and it gets silent for a second, and I point to Blondie and say "you should be banana head!" Keep in mind, I've never said a word to her before, but this makes the whole class laugh at her, and she was kinda embarrassed. Do I feel bad? no, I thought it was kinda funny.

So anyway, we're about to start the final and, somehow, Creepy Sub Guy has a right-winged statement about illegal immigration pending to the scantron that makes his whole army laugh. But anyway, we start taking the test and, about half way through, I realize that my answers don't mean anything...helping me realize this is the fact that Teacher's Pet has raised his hand about seven times already asking a question about every question on the test. So I decide none of this is worth it, and I fill in C as my answer to every question. Also, the "nickname," I picked was my real name because, I mean, come on, I don't give a shit.

Anyway, Hn2 has left me but her MILF mom invited me over their house next weekend for a weekend of cockblocking and MILF watching I guess. I can't wait!

Final Thursday of the Semester, was One Hell of a Drunken Adventure

Allow me to preface this one by saying that I was actually contemplating starting this post while I was hammered and in the bar, making it my first drunk blog ever...but then I realized that I'd have been drunk blogging, which probably goes against everything I believe in....then I lost my cellphone.

Anyway, CWG and The Bff both have the same major and they both headed out at about six on a barcrawl to every bar in town. Meanwhile, I was sitting at my laptop reading my facebook newsfeed which only kept reminding me that people my age usually graduate from college at this point in their lives.

So anyway, I meet up with the entire major, basically, at about 9:30 when they head to club bar. Now I drove there, don't ask me where I parked, but I recall walking past the hotel where some woman walked out as I was walking past. As she exited the hotel, she goes "Everyone here is FUCKING stupid!" Now I'm not sure if she was trying to get me to defend the town or if she was just a crazy person, but she kept saying that same line, "Everyone here is fucking stupid!" I'm walking about twenty feet away, awkwardly trying to avoid her.

Anyway, I arrived at club bar and I learn, instantly, that I legitimately only know two people on this entire bar crawl, and they both know everyone else on this bar crawl, so I'm awkwardly standing there, not blending in because they all have matching shirts, and I'm entertaining myself by watching what might have been the least exciting hockey game ever(Red Wings-Sharks). Now I decide that I have fifty bucks in my pocket, and in order for me to start enjoying myself, I should probably start getting hammered.

So as I'm trying to hang out with this entire major, The Bff starts making out with a guy who, I can only refer to as, King Tool. And then, three minutes later, what does King Tool do? Make out with another girl in the major. Does it make me a bad best friend if I just pointed to The Bff and laughed?

So anyway, me and CWG are doing shots because I'm trying to get drunk and I have money from selling back my textbooks. So every other major is walking into the bar on their own barcrawls, wearing their own matching shirts, and I'm just standing there, not actually a was a sad feeling.

Then King Tool convinces The Bff and I to come to the next bar, and as we're waiting outside, I spot Dino and feel obligated to say hello. As Dino is giving me a hello hug, I realize that the girl standing next to her is Tall, and Tall, now apparently knowledgeable that I banged her entire house, just screams at me, "Mikee you're not fucking any of us tonight!" So I reply by saying something along the lines of "Fuck you Tall! How'd you do on the poly sci final?"

Then we wind up in awesome pub where half the rugby team, and the entire girls rugby team, is out for drinks and I blend right in, having, again, to retell my story of getting expelled to all of them, and the drinks start piling up, and now everything gets a little hazy.

So The Bff and I, and her friend, Actor, end up at Club Bar 2: Club Bar on Steroids. Sure enough, once we arrive, I run into Tubbytits who grabs onto my neck and thinks I can hold her entire weight. Tubbytits is there with her friend, Jersey Girl, who is a very hot girl but, as Ben pointed out, her Jersey roots stand out a little too much sometimes.

Now I'm drunk, and Jersey girl is looking good, so I'm just standing there with my arm around her telling her about how I got kicked out of school. After a while, we exchange numbers, and I guess I must have gave her my phone to put her number into. Then she grabbed my hand and led me to the bathroom to "wait" for her to pee. So as I was standing there, I guess I forgot I was waiting for her, and I went into the men's room. Now the thing about the men's room in CB2:CBOS is that it violates every men's room policy ever enacted. See, in this bar, there is only one urinal, so every guy who has to wait to pee engages in conversations with each other that usually start out with something along the lines of "so how 'bout this line, huh?"

Anyway, the next guy in line to piss is a townie who creepily hangs out at the local bars. I call him 300 guy because he looks like Xerses from 300, and he steps up to the urinal just as the room goes quiet. Now the room is quiet for about two minutes, then all of a sudden, we hear him start to piss and everyone laughs at the guy. Just as we are laughing, King Tool walks into the bathroom, sees the line, and says what may be the single funniest tool-line I've ever heard:

"Fucking line, Brosephs? Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight."

So then its my turn to piss and I place my Bud light bottle on the top of the urinal, but mid piss, the bottle starts to slide off, so I use my cat-like reflexes to snatch it before it falls. This prompts comments from the line all praising my ability to keep my beer from falling.

So I leave the bathroom feeling very accomplished and I go to the bar to get a new beer. As I'm waiting, holding my money out, a bartender places this pink-ass Easter Bunny drink in front of me and walks away. Well I'm not stupid, so I look both ways and I grab the Easter Bunny drink. Now I recall the drink tasting like butterscotch, I had no clue what was in it, but it had to be the most feminine drink I've ever had in my life. Tubbytits even asked me where I got it and I told her some girl bought it for lie.

So Bff, Actor, and I go back to Awesome bar and me and Actor kinda bond because apparently he is also a Jets fan and we must have talked about football for about twenty minutes. He was a good guy. Then CWG comes up to me and asks why I didn't reply to her text, so I checked my pocket only to realize that I did not have my fucking phone. Now I'm drunk, so I am not worried whatsoever, and now I'm drinking with my rugby buddies saying "I lost my phone!"

Some time passes, and CWG disappears, and Hn1 and Bigirl meet up with us, I think I even had them calling my phone repeatedly to see if we could find it, not like that would ever work. I then tell Bff about King Tool's entrance to the bathroom and Hn1 asks what his name is, Bff tells her and, well shit, its Hn1's ex boyfriend. Am I surprised? Hell no, Hn1 is a total took magnet.

So anyway, with CWG gone, I look around the bar and spot Dino sitting by herself nursing some, ironically, pink drink. I took a seat beside her and we started reminiscing about how we used to hook up before she gained 40 lbs...I give her some credit, it took a year but she did lose half of it. I think I even went so far as to tell her that her nickname is Dino, and justify it, "hey Dino is cute, okay?"

...Then I started making out with Dino.

Then some guy, who apparently knew me, bought us each Swift Kicks. I asked him how he knew me and he said he was the guy behind me in the bathroom when I caught my beer without spilling it.

Then I remember talking with Actor about how bad Smelly smells, seeing how they knew each other. We must have spent twenty minutes trying to describe the smell.

So Dino and I walk outside and continue making out, and I tell her that I just cleaned my room and Smelly is gone, if she wants to come over, but just as these words leave my lips, she throws up all over the sidewalk. Now that is my cue to go back inside and forget any of this ever happened.

Then I realize that, fuck, my phone is still missing. Some how, I urge Bff back to CB2:CBOS to look for my phone, because I guess I figured we could find it. Now CB2 has become a club at this point, and I am way too white to be there. Being so white, I think I stood out enough to gauge Tubbytit's attention again and here she is hanging on me as if I was gonna bring her back to my nice, clean room. So we leave again and, its almost 2am, and Bff is trying to figure out how we were getting home. So we started walking.

Of course, I have to get intercepted by Dino and Tall as we walk, Dino telling me to stop calling her and hanging up. I told her I lost my phone and she refused to believe me until my phone actually called her again and I answered it.

"Mikee, where the fuck did you go? I told you to wait for me outside of the bathroom!"
Then it all clicked...Jersey Girl has my phone! She told me to meet her at Cb2 to get it back, but that, of course, meant dealing with Tubbytits again, so I told her, using Dino's phone to talk to her on my phone, "hey, my roommate moved out and I got a whole apartment to myself, wanna come over?"

...Of course she didn't come over, but I mean, it was worth the try. Long story short, I got my phone, dodged Tubbytits successfully, went home and passed out in Bff's bed. Today, I have no fucking idea where my car is, I stole a whole chicken out of Bff's refrigerator which is in my oven now...I actually just made her come up and check on it, and there are five texts on my phone from CWG asking where I went, why I wasn't with her, and who that girl was I was making out with. Oops?

Thursday, May 6, 2010

The Morning After

Well the task has been done and if I might just say, it was a tremendous effort on my half, and I was even starting to get worried, I mean, getting cockblocked by Lost is pretty pathetic on my part, but when I woke up this morning in CWG's bed, I realized that it was all worth it. I've noticed though that I have a tendency to disappear once the sun rises, if I'm sleeping in someone else's bed and know my way home, mostly because I like brushing my teeth/having coffee/sleeping in my own bed, so at 5:30 am I walked home.

On my way home I texted Ben:

"Its official...We are wiener cousins!"

Once I arrived back at my apartment, I realized that there is a large, gaping hole in the ass of my my favorite pair of shorts. Don't ask me how that happened, but I decide to change them and head over to Wawa for some breakfast. Now the Wawa closest to the school was crowded beyond like hell, seeing how it was 7:40am and everyone who had 8am finals and wanted coffee to cancel out their cinquo de mayos, so I drove the mile and a half to the distant Wawa in East Bumblefuck, PA.

The only odd part of this Wawa was the locals. While I was pouring my coffee, some lady next to me kept narrating her life: "Okay I need hazelnut, hazelnut or french vanilla? Or hazelnut flavoring? Oh dome lids!" So naturally I ignored her and got on the obscenely long line of townies buying their coffee/breakfast. Then, the creepiest part of the Townie Wawa was the cashier lady who repeated the same phrase to every single costumer she saw: "Have a peachy day!" ...Peachy? Really lady? Peachy? She must have said 'Peachy' about 47 times while I was in the store. It has to hold the record for most I've ever heard the word 'peachy' said in a five minute interval.

So I get back to my apartment at about 8am, just in time for my appointment with the landlady concerning the screen that miraculously blew off the window sending a perfectly placed roll of toilet paper and about a gallon of Mikee's piss five stories down into the parking lot. I start downstairs to her place but not before having an idea...I changed my pants back.

Now our landlady last year was a smoking hot grad student, this year she's a 40-something disgusting fatbody. So I walk in and immediately tell her about the magical wind...she then has me write a report stating exactly what I saw. I said something like:

"I returned home at 2am on Tuesday night to find the screen mangled and barely hanging on the window. There was a heavy cross-breeze traveling from my bedroom window, through the propped open bedroom door, up the hallway, and out the living room window which I have deduced caused the gust of wind that broke the screen. We had a few items on the windowsill that were now scattered on the floor in the living room and outside of the window. Amongst these items was a roll of toilet paper which landed in the parking lot, uncoiling all the way down."
I wanted to make a statement saying "Scott toilet lasts five stories!" but figured that was in bad taste. I did mutter that it was one of our last rolls, and, jokingly, said it was amazing that the roll managed to travel from our window, down the small roof, past the four windows beneath us, and onto the pavement where it continued uncoiling, but she didn't find it as funny as I did.

So as I go to leave, I recall the rip in the ass of my shorts and, even though I had no audience, tossed my key on the floor "by accident," and bent over to pick it up, mooning my landlady. She did look appalled and I got satisfaction out of it, but whatever, I can now say I mooned my landlady.

Is it weird that she is the second land-person I have mooned in the last month?