Monday, August 22, 2011

Jesus, I Haven't Said So Many Things

Okay, upon realizing I haven't made a post since 'Nam, I'll just give a list of some ridiculous things that have happened to me this year that I never made posts of/happened to me this summer:

1. A 40 year old mom snorted coke of my boner.

Yep, Beard and I went on a road trip through the south and, upon stopping at Myrtle Beach one night, which, by the way, is absurdly ghetto, and he disclosed to me the fact that he loved older women. Being a good wingman, I went along with him to a hotel room occupied by four 40 year olds and a bunch of cocaine. One thing led to another and BOOM lines off my boner.

2. I fucked the cousin of a girl I made out with on St Patty's Day, and then got stranded in Scranton with no phone or money

This WILL be a post eventually, and when it is made, it will be the best post ever.

3. I got hit by a MOTHERFUCKING car

I was drunk and walking home from Wawa, crossing the only intersection between Wawa and my house when the car waiting at the red light decided to gun it the second he light turned green, in spite of my being directly in front of it. It stopped as it was hitting my hip, and then I looked up to see a car full of drunk college students who all had the same look of utter shock on their faces.

4. I got into a verbal argument/political discussion with a legislator while we were both drunk at the same bar

Okay this is back during the road trip and Beard and I had stopped in Charlotte, SC. Beard, being drunken and social began to talk to this guy, a complete stranger, and he revealed to me that he was a legislator. Well, after talking to him for a little bit, and noticing his political nuances, I called him out on them and, apparently, pissed him off. Best part, he thinks I'm amongst the demographic(people who actually fucking live in South Carolina) who would vote for him.

5. I, once again, received the greatest compliment of my life

I've had the same dick since I was a wee little baby(pun intended) but I was 22 before someone said I could be a "dick model," or the inspiration for somebody's favorite dildo. Well I got this compliment again, in Nashville, where I gave some girl from Colorado, HANDS DOWN, the best lay of her entire fucking life. It was so good she actually has texted me three or four times since(I have no intention to ever see her again, and I won't ever see her again, and no she does not even have my facebook), but she has a reason to LOVE Nashville now.

6. I hooked up with Cheeks...and then killed her Goldfish

One of the last nights at school Beard and I went over Tall's house to drink with Cheeks and Ground and the crew. We went to the bars and, at the end of the night, we headed back to their house where Cheeks and I had been hooking up, but DrunkMikee intervened and, seeing a bowl of water on the counter, not realizing there was a fish in there, reached my hand inside and started splashing everybody.

7. I got kicked out of a bar for mooning Beard

This was a while ago but basically Beard was hitting on some ugly fat girl in Clubbar and, as a response, I mooned him! The bouncers had to ask me to leave, but I had to close my tab first, and then they couldn't stop apologizing, mostly because they realized how much money I spend there.

There is probably more stuff but I'll be back in Pennsylvania by week's end and school starts up again! Hopefully, what should be my last year, will be awesome!