Saturday, October 16, 2010

Mikee's Adventures in Tool Center

I have been back in New York since Wednesday...seeing how I don't go to class or work or do anything with my life I came home to get some money and see my home friends again.

So last night I ate a shit ton of Mexican food and then went to Andrew's house to watch the Yankees game. While watching the game, I decided Andrew would, while also pregamming for Tool Center, give me a haircut, as he insisted he was good at it. Needless to say, I was set on wearing a hat all night as a result.

So soon Pronk, Butch, Longarms, and Brittney(who Andrew is now hooking up with as a result of me) come over to pregame with us. Then the Yankees won and we all decided to go to Tool Center.

We went up to the bar we usually go to and, as I was showing the bouncer my ID, he informed me that I could not come inside with my hat. Uncertain of what I would do, he said I could throw my hat up onto a light outside and he'd watch it...I mean, doesn't seem too smart but he was convincing about it, so I heaved my hat onto a light outside and went in.

We were at this bar for like ten minutes before everyone decided we should go somewhere else, so we went down to another bar in the area, and yes, I had the bouncer get my hat from on top of the light before we left. Here, I ran into like 12 people I haven't seen since summer and we all caught up briefly.

Then I tried to get a shot I usually have in Pennsylvania, but upon asking the bartender to make me one, she told me she had no clue what was in it. Unfortunately, neither did I, so I wound up looking it up on my phone and handing her the phone to use as a guide to making the shot. This rendered more than just a shot...I had an entire mixed drink in my hand now that was orange and fruity looking, but I chugged it and got hammered. Also, I got it for free.

So then I went outside to the smoking area with most of my friends and, I don't know how or why, but someone had a tin of Skoal and they gave me a lip. So I'm spitting into a bottle and I'm drunk when I run into Butch sitting at a table with a familiar looking girl. When I got closer, I realized this girl was the bartender and she insisted I sit with them.

Also at this table however is Burntback. Burntback is a cunt I went to highschool with who I fucking hate. She is ghetto and slutty and thinks she's the shit, and she always has a way to make me feel like shit every time I see her. Also, someone threw acid at her or lit her on fire or some shit because she has disgusting char marks on her back. She also has weird ass nipples(Yes, the whole grade's seen them).

Tangent Time:

Here is an example of why I hate Burntback. In December I went to Tool Center with Longarms and Andrew and they ran to the ATM before going inside, so I went in by myself. Inside, I spotted Burntback, who is 22 years old for the record, and I assume that means she has probably grown up significantly since the last time I saw her. Instead, she goes "Oh, so you come to the bar by yourself, Mikee?" Fucking cunt.

Anyway, she is now 23 years old and still a cunt. But, getting back to the story, this table is me, Burntback, Bartender, Butch, and some random girl. Then she starts right away being a cunt towards me saying,

"Oh, I haven't seen Mikee out in a while, I didn't think he actually came out..."

I didn't say anything.

"Mikee, what the fuck is up with your hair? Did you like cut it yourself or something?"

No response.

"Seriously, who did you come here with?"

I answered by saying something along the lines of "shut the fuck up."

She goes:

"You're just mad because I would never fuck you."

Well, this is what I do best when I'm drunk with a lip in my mouth....

"Why would I ever wanna fuck you? You are an ugly piece of shit, so shut the fuck up you burnt back cunt with your ugly ass nipples."

Then the table went silent.

She said something along the lines of "Woooooooooowwwwww Mikee...seriously, get the fuck out of here."

Even Butch said, "Seriously, that was fucked up..."

But I made it a point to remain seated at that table for 15 more minutes while she changed the topic of conversation and I quietly enjoyed my victory.

Anyway, eventually Pronk came over and insisted we go back to the first bar, so me, him, Longarms, and some girl Longarms was talking to started to walk back. On the way, I told Pronk about what I said to Burntback and he thought it was great.

So we went back to the first bar, and I had to throw my hat on top of a light again, but when I got inside, everyone left but Longarms and his girl. I hung out with them for a little, feeling like a third wheel, and decided I would call my parents for a ride home(I'm awesome).

So I went outside and had the bouncer get my hat. After he did, I started to walk across the parking lot when I ran into a random girl I didn't know. From what I remember, this girl was a total guidette, fake tan and all. However, I did notice that she was the best looking out of her group of friends and we started talking.

Now I don't know how much time had passed, but she had her arms around my neck and was talking to me and we had started making out. I'm not sure exactly when, but during this a car appeared to my right. Once I realized the car wasn't moving, I glanced over to see my parents inside of it and thought "Fuck me...I forgot I called them."

So I said bye to guidette, got into my parents' car and they asked:

"Who was that girl?"

I answered: "I don't know."

"What was her name?"

"...I don't know."

And that concludes Mikee's adventures in Tool Center.

Monday, October 11, 2010

One more update about my epic Saturday

So upon being tagged in a facebook photo...not only as myself with another girl, but as that girl in a separate pic...and then asking Tall why she did that to me...I learned that there were actually seven girls that let me stick my tongue in their mouth that night.

Unfortunately, I do not know the details of this one whatsoever...I do wonder if this is the explanation for the flickering moment in my memory that a girl tried to give me a handjob, and for some reason, this seems correct. Goddammit my life is unreal.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Additional Information About Last Night

As today went on, I realized I forgot a few things that happened to me last night that I left out of the previous post(Mikee...this is your life):

1. I walked to the bar with Bigirl, Georgia, and Georgia's friend from home, who may be Boyfriendhusband but I'm not sure. While walking past a party house, he started to yell "PUSSY!" into the crowd and I told him I would not have his back if they decided to fight him.
We then went to a local bar where they serve frozen shots. The bar was inhabited by two old lady bartenders and three PA white trashers playing a game of pool. No one was able to do the frozen shots but me, so I did about four them, including everyone's leftovers.

2. I made out with six girls, but I also tried to make out with Texas, which failed as I have no clue if she is actually interested in me or just really nice and polite. I would love to bone Texas because shes innocent and hick and quiet and probably a virgin...but I cannot read this girl for the life of me.

3. Even though she has already boned me this semester, Shorty turned me down because I boned two of her friends before her...I still believe she is a keeper as our conversation immediately went to sex when we met up.

4. Shorty was also with Jersey who I conversely tried to hit on to get her jealous. This failed, and is probably why I didn't wind up bringing Shorty home with me, as the sex with her friends aspect should not have been that big of a problem.

5. CWG was visiting with Actor and a few other people from her major. Upon seeing Actor, we immediately reminisced about Smelly's foul odor.

6. CWG disrupted our conversation to run to the bathroom. When she did, I quickly went into my phone and changed her name from "Cunt girl" back to "CWG" to make sure she didn't know this had been my nickname for her since August. Not only did she still have my number in her phone, but it was still under "Mikee" and not something along the lines of, "Asshole who called me a cunt."

7. Tall and I had a lengthy conversation as to why she hates being referred to as "Tall."

8. Tall and Georiga had a friend of theirs with them who was the same height as Tall, but cuter. She probably would have been amongst the victims if she didn't leave early.

9. When I bought shots for "Other girl" and 21, I bought them both at the same time and in such a way that neither knew I was buying the other shots. Had they known, I doubt I would have made out with either.

10. After making out with both Other girl and 21, I went to the bathroom and announced that my life is awesome to all the other male patrons.

11. Also with Cripple and CCG was Zebra, who I had to buy a shot for as I owed her one. Without heels on, I realized Zebra is about my height...and is therefore absolutely beautiful.

12. CCG started to give me a handjob, then I told her I used to think she was two people which promptly ended the hand job. I then walked home by myself as a result.

13. If I ever see Other Girl or 21 again, there is no way in hell I'd recognize either. Other Girl would have probably let me bone her if I invited her back.

14. I got about three blocks away when I ran into a few lesbian girls from the rugby team. We walked together until some random kid asked if he can borrow my cellphone. I let him, but not before making him give me his wallet, removing his license, and keeping it in my pocket in case he tried to steal it. I think I said "My name is Mikee...I'm kinda a big deal around here."

15. I stopped at CVS to buy some chips. While inside, the manager asked me if I was buying something because "they had trouble already that night." I thought it was kinda ridiculous until I learned that there was, apparently, a shooting there earlier in the night.

16. I made out with six different girls...that is a record...and CWG and I are friends again and she kinda knows that I strongly believe her vagina is like no other's. She seems to be open to this.

Mikee's texts from last night:


me: guess how many girls I just made out with
Georgia: how many?
Me: ...guess
Georgia: 4?
Me: 7.
Georgia: wow, you whore.
Me: Number 3 was CWG...
Georgia: Hahahahahhaa
Me: Dino had sloppy firsts!


Me: (11:30)Hi you're cute
Me: (12:25)Hi you're cute
Me: (1:45)Hi you're cute...what you doin?
Me: (2:15)Hi come hang out


Me: (12:14) Balls.


Me: (1:14) Hi, I'm happy we made up but I'm sorry for being creepy about it.
CWG: (1:28)You weren't, its okay.
Me: (1:45) Hi you're cute


Me: (12:44)I just made out with the cunt
Me: (1:46)I just made out with seven girls


Me: (12:44)I just kissed the cunt


Me: Hi you're cute

Mikee...Welcome to your life!

In all honesty, I cannot believe I just had the night I had.

So yesterday, Beard woke me up at like 10am so we can start drinking. Now, it was homecoming weekend and Tim and Mac were at the rugby game, but we stayed at the house to hang out.

At about 2pm, after a few beers, Bigirl came over to drink with us. Then at about 4, BFF, who was visiting for the night, came over to drink with us. Then at 8, Georgia joined us for some drinking as well. Then Beard passed out, Bff disappeared, and Bigirl, Georgia, and I walked to the bars.

So its Dino's birthday and I decided to text her:

Me: Happy birthday!
Dino: Thanks Mikee
Me: Np Dino (Yes I drunkenly called her Dino)

So we go to Chillbar but then I get a text from Shorty saying she's at Sportsbar, so I try to convince Bigirl to come to Sportsbar with me. While I was waiting for her, I spotted a girl that looked really familar, and it took me a moment to realize/remember this girl existed, but it was Dino's twin sister. The catch is, Dino's twin sister doesn't even know I exist, so I had to basically walk over to her and say, "Hey, you look like Dino..."

Well then Dino's twin sister pointed to Dino and said she was visiting too. So then I had to buy Dino a birthday shot...then I had to buy Dino's twin sister a birthday shot since twins share birthdays. Then Bigirl and I went to Sportsbar for a little.

So we walked into Sportsbar and the bouncer IDed us and walked away. This prompted me to stand at the door for a moment when a bunch of people walked up and handed me their licenses. So I started to charge them covers, but then my conscious set in and I told them I wasn't actually employed by the bar and I felt like a douche...thankfully they laughed and waited for the bouncer to return.

Then I walked around Sportsbar until I spotted Shorty. I lost Bigirl in this process, but caught up with Shorty, who was now passionately telling me:

"Wait, you fucked my friend Berries. I don't think I wanna talk to you anymore."

So I'm spewing out all these fucking lies, saying Berries and I never fucked...saying stuff like:

"The condon broke...I couldn't cum...she wasn't hot enough for me to finish."

Well none of that was enough to convince her to fuck me again, so I settled on making out with her and went back to Chillbar.

when I arrived, Georgia told me Bigirl had left and I eventually got bored. I went back to Sportsbar but not before saying goodbye to Dino...and as a goodbye, I asked her for a kiss...we made out briefly.

So then I was back in Sportsbar, and I feel like I was waiting for someone because I was just standing somewhere. Then a rediculously familar looking girl started to walk past............

Me: Hey.


CWG: Oh, hey Mikee!

No, I'm not lying and I cannot make this up...CWG(I can no longer call her cuntgirl after this night) is back and I am amazed.

Me: You hate me right?
CWG: No, I don't hate you
Me: how do you not hate me? ...I called you the worst word ever.
CWG: Okay, I hated you for like a week, but I don't anymore
(Now drunk Mikee sets in)
Me: Seriously, I was crazy about you and then I called you a cunt, and I'm pretty sure if a guy really likes a girl, hes not supposed to call her a cunt...(additional rediculous compliments)

I might have said something about her being an important character in my novel( the novelized blog) and made her promise not to sue me for deffirmation of character.

Then I told her that I really liked her still...and could use a kiss. Then I made out with CWG again for the first time since like May. Then I texted basically everyone in my phone to say that I just made out with CWG.

Then I walked outside and ran into Bff and Jungle, who were going to CBOS. This had been the first time I saw Jungle in a while, and remember, this is DrunkMikee, so I went up to her, put my arm around her, and said:

"I always wanted to fuck a black girl."

Thankfully, she has a sense of humor and laughed at this. Then Shorty appeared and we were waiting on the long ass line to get into CBOS. Then I decided I didn't wanna go in anymore, so I left.

Now I don't remember if I was by myself or not, but I decided I was gonna go to Clubbar.

So some girl was wearing a tiarra reading "21," which, I guess, means it was her birthday so I decided to buy her a shot. While talking to her though, I saw another girl and decided to buy her a shot too. Neither girl knew the other existed though, so I was standing at the bar buying three cement mixers(for 21 and her friend) and 2 red deaths for me and other girl.

After our red deaths, other girl goes "Thanks....oh btw, I'm gay..." and walks away. So I decided I should walk away too, but not before telling 21 that I wanted a kiss.

Then I made out with 21.

Then I found that other girl and I told her I didn't believe she was gay. She tried to convince she making out with me.

Then I saw Cripple and CCF who I had to buy shots for. Then CCF and I started to make out.

Then I started to walk home by myself. I was on the phone with Bff going, "WTF I am fucking ugly but I just made out with like 23 girl in one night....not to mention CWG...I do not deserve this!"

So looking back, it wasn't 23 girls...but rather six girls...and I still went home by myself. (I'm too lazy/tired to spellcheck/proof read this so fuck off)

Sunday, October 3, 2010

The Racist Roommate

So last night Beard and I went to the other house for the post game party. The team had won an away game, which neither of us attended, but Mack insisted we come to the party anyway, so we did.

We started to pregame and I got Mack to partake in his first power hour, which ended after 20 minutes as he was unaware of how powerful a power hour really was. Then I bought a couple of 40's, as we didn't want to pay for beer, and walked to the house.

So Beard and I were on the back porch hanging out when someone tapped me on the shoulder. It was a was 11 and cops had already come. The cop asked if I was the owner, I said no and found the closest owner who was over 21, and then someone else assured the cop that the remaining people on the porch were all 21(everyone underage either went inside or ran away). The cop responded by saying we all had to go anyway, and that, unless anyone was peeing in public or had an open container, he would "not pursue us." So I called him a douche and we left.

Beard and I, with our open 40's, went to a party down the block. This party was at a house owned by only girls who were absolutely horrible at crowd control, so this was kinda funny. Then Beard and I had the revelation that parties thrown by girls are usually only attended by dudes, and we realized this house was an absolute sausage fest, so we went back to rugby.

After a little while back here, and upon seeing Mack who was with his new girlfriend...who would be an attractive girl if she wasn't six feet tall, Beard and I started talking to this girl. This girl, who I remember, had large ass gums...a total turnoff for me, but upon learning I was also from New York, she insisted she have my number. This was the second thing I said to her.

So I pulled out of the conversation and let her talk to Beard...who then started to make out with her. Then the girl beside me goes:

"What the fuck? Really?"

I asked her why she had such a startled reaction only to learn that this girl was her roommate. She then went on by saying:

"She always brings home guys...and she is ugly as fuck! And now I'll have no where to sleep because she'll be using the room!"

Well it doesn't take a genius to offer this girl a bed. I also agreed that her roommate was ugly as fuck and offered to walk her back to the dorms...also after telling her that her roomie was getting with my roomie. She replied:

"Good because I don't wanna walk by myself...I don't wanna get raped by some black dude."

I didn't think anything of this, but we watched as Beard and uggo kinda hoping he would take her back to her place so I could bang this girl. He took her back to ours though, as I learned through a text from Mack, and so I finished my beer and started to walk home with her.

As we left, she called her friend. On the phone, she goes:

"I'm walking home with someone named Mikee. He's about my height, has a scruffy beard, brown hair, brown sweatshirt, and white shoes...if I don't make it back."

Now I wasn't sure if I should be insulted or...who am I kidding, I was kinda insulted but I'm used to shit like this. So I grabbed the phone and told whoever was on the other end what my full name was, where i lived, and what my number was. That put her at ease.

Then she goes:

"He's not black, so I should be fine."

This is the point that I realized that this girl was a flaming racist. It was kinda funny because, I mean, she was just openly afraid of black people, and I was walking her home. Then she tripped over a curb because Karma is a bitch and I had to help her up and what not...while saying it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Also, there were a bunch of black people walking too and she made me stop walking so they could pass us...I guess, because she didn't want to get raped.

Anyway, we got back to her dorm and she said goodbye...I kinda knew I wasn't getting any when she needed to call her friend and give out a Just-in-case Amber Alert. But she took down my number, for some reason, and went inside and I walked home...having been an excellent wingman for Beard. It was fun.