Last night, after having a few guys over my house for some drinking, I decided to meet up with Britney at a party in the next town. This was at about 3am and I had to walk it by myself, hammer drunk with a lip in my mouth.
As I'm walking up the street I'm supposed to turn off of, I see a bunch of cop lights in the distance, and when I reach them, it turns out some drunk asshole drove his car into a telephone pole. So I'm hammered and I gotta pee somewhere and I got a lip in my mouth, but I had to make sure I was on the right street, so I interrupted the cop's conversation to make sure I was right.
So I arrive at this house and this is the group of people in the backyard:
Douchenozzle-a douchebag whose ass I actually kicked like 4 years ago because he came to my house and stole Kyle's phone. The only reason I was accepting of him last night is because he gave me a shitload of free beer.
Britney
Ortho-A cute Orthodox Jewish girl
Owner-the owner of the house, a tall blonde with a decent body and a meh face
Travis-some guy Owner had just met and banged
So within like two minutes, Travis and Owner disappear to bang again and everyone else, against my decision, decides to play truth or dare. So Ortho asks me and I pick dare and she says I have to get naked and jump into bed with Travis and Owner. Well I did this and they thought it was funny. On my way back down from her bedroom, Ortho kept asking me if I was sleeping over and I told her I wasn't sure.
So now the sun is rising and Britney decides we should go to the beach. We pile into Owner's car, Britney driving, Douchenozzle in passenger's seat, and me and Travis in the back with Ortho on my lap and Owner on his. At this point, I'm pretty much assuming that I'm banging Ortho before the night is over.
Somehow we take a diversion and, instead of going to the beach, we go to Travis's house in bumblefuck. Travis has a pool so I ask him for a bathing suit, which turns out to be two sizes too small, and, under the assumption everyone was going swimming, I jump into the pool. Well I was the only one in the pool, although Ortho had been sitting on the edge with her feet in the pool but that is it.
So it is 7am, Owner and Travis are banging again in his bed, Douchenozzle has passed out in the passenger's seat of Owner's car, and I am in Travis's pool with Britney and Ortho hanging out in the yard watching me and eating muffins we found in Travis's kitchen.
So Ortho and I start talking:
Me: So, you're Jewish?
Ortho: Yeah
Me: That sucks
Ortho: Why?
Me: Because being Jewish definitely sucks, especially if you're like orthodox
Ortho: I am orthodox
Me: Wow, I feel bad for you
Ortho: Why?
Me: ...Do you watch Curb Your Enthusiasm?
Ortho: sometimes
Me: I was watching this episode where Larry pretended to be an Orthodox Jew and it just seems like it sucks
As if that wasn't offensive enough, I mean, telling someone their religion sucks, I then proceeded to ask her why Jewish people have to bury plates in their backyard if they mix meat and dairy, as I saw in said episode of Curb. She said that the dirt apparently washes away the anti-kosher-ness and I thought this was hilarious. After a few more back and fourths, I finally realized that offending someones religion is not the best way to get into their pants, and that I had cockblocked myself yet again.
So Ortho and Britney go inside so Ortho can change, and I ask her if she has to bury her clothes now, which she didn't think was as funny as I did. I climbed out of the pool, ate every remaining muffin, and started inside to where everyone was hanging out in Travis's room. Britney declared that she would go outside for her muffin but I told her I ate them all, and she got kinda mad.
Next thing I know, we were driving home. Oh and we found Douchenozzle passed out on some random front lawn. But it was nearing 8am and I was wide awake so I traded numbers with Ortho, I'll probably never bang her, and went home.
Oh and I think I should add, she is saved in my phone as "Nikki JEW."
