Sunday, June 20, 2010

Monotone Turns 21!/How to get a Free Ride Home

So every weekday this summer, I've preformed the same basic routine: I have driven to Monotone's house, picked him up, and then went to work in a shitty guido highschool from 8am to 3pm. The only positive of such actions every day, besides a paycheck, is that Monotone and I got to plan his 21st birthday celebration.

Having never been before, he insisted we go to Tool Center, which is an area a few towns away with a four block radius of bars...some college bars, some old man bars, but no matter what night you go, shit is popping. I happen to hate Tool Center because, for one, it is expensive as FUCK and, being located on Long Island, there are always billions of Tools who all make me hate my background.

So its time to start pregamming for TC because Monotone has heard me bitching for a week about how expensive it is to go there sober, and he tells me to come by his house with beer. So I put on a red AE polo and a pair of shorts and walk up the block to his house...only to find that this fucker is wearing the same exact outfit. Long story short, I walked all the way back home and changed.

Now the group coming out with us is myself, Monotone, Andrew, Andrew's girlfriend, and two of Monotone's friends that are identical twin brothers: Slappy1 and Slappy2. I should probably point out now that the Slappys are not 21 yet, but they both have fakes.

So by the time Monotone's dad drives us to TC, we are all hammered beyond recognition. So we go to this big ass bar where we run into Butch and Pronk standing in the line to get in. We wait in line for a few minutes and I get in, Andrew gets in, Monotone gets in, and Slappy1 gets in but Slappy2 and Andrew's girlfriend do not. So they leave to go around the back and try the other door where they are promptly both denied again. Then Slappy1 gets an idea...this fucker goes outside, gets a stamp on his hand, switches IDs and shirts with his twin brother, and then they both return back inside. ...As for Andrew's girlfriend, he told her to just go home and she thing I like about Andrew is the fact that he treats his ugly ass girlfriend like shit.

So the five of us are standing around in the bar and the Slappys decide to switch shirts back, right in front of the bouncer, who catches on and kicks them both out. Upon finding out that Butch and Pronk were going to another bar anyway, the remaining three of us decided to just leave and meet up with the Slappys.

So we get to another bar, one of these anti-hat places where you have to get obscenely dressed up to even be allowed inside, and it is full of Tools, naturally. I remember I had to go to the bathroom(yes, another bathroom incident) and the bathroom line is about 15 people long because there are only two urinals, therefore only two people use the room at a time. So I finally get inside only to find that both urinals are free and there is a tool in the bathroom fucking taking pictures of himself in the mirror...this fucker is actually holding up the line so he can take pictures of himself in the fucking bathroom mirror...this is why I hate Long Island. But I do feel slightly better in the fact that I was peeing in the background of one of the pictures.

So its getting late and Andrew and I go outside to see a group of people walking in the distance, and then suddenly one throws another through a glass window. This leads to a full on fight breaking out, seemingly 8 on 2, but the group of 2 hold their own. Then cops come and we decide to leave...the next day we learned that the 2 involved in the fight were actually Butch and Pronk, awesome.

So we decide to take a train home and, seeing how our town is only 1 stop away, we decide that we will not buy tickets...the worst they're gonna do is kick us off the train at the next stop. So we all sit on the train, Monotone and Slappy1 pretend to be sleeping, Andrew and Slappy2 hide in the bathroom, and I just sit there pretending to be on my phone. Then the conductor comes by asking for tickets and I say I don't have one, so he insists I buy one right there:

"How much are tickets?"
"eight dollars"
"...I don't have that kind of money! I thought we were supposed to pay when we arrived!"
"Then I'm gonna have to kick you off at the next stop."
"What is the next stop?"
"[name of hometown]"
"What? I've never even heard of that town! Is that in Queens?"
"No, its Long Island."

So now I pretend to call my mom on my phone saying:

"Hey mom, um, we don't have enough money to get home and the conductor says we have to get off the train in [town name], you think you can drive out here and pick us up?"

Well shit, it worked. However, as the train stopped, the conductor waited in front of the bathroom for Andrew and Slappy2 who, despite his efforts to apprehend them, bolted past the man and onto the platform. We all heard the conductor yelling at us as the doors closed.

Then we ran into a group of girls we went to highschool with that I haven't seen in a while. Now keep in mind, its like 4am, but we all split a cab and head back to my place anyway. I really don't remember much else but this morning my mom asked me "What school does [random girl from hs] go to?" and I asked her why she would even bring up such a name only to learn that I brought the girls back to my place too, and that we were all drunkenly hanging out with my mom for like twenty minutes. I told Monotone, saying that I didn't even remember her being in the cab with us and he replied "she was sitting on your lap." Then I got a text from her saying it was fun running into me and we should hang out more often...awesome.

So yeah, I actually had a pretty good time in Tool Center.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Old Story: "Actual Tanya Awesome and Cute"

So back in Fall 2009, Ben decided to have a huge party on the first Saturday of the semester and employed Hank and I to work the door/help him out in case someone got out of hand. We were expecting the party to be a bust, seeing how we didn't really have any connections to the younger kids who would usually attend such a random party, especially one this far away from school, but holy shit were we wrong.

This night also marked the first time I actually hung out with Bigirl outside of school, and I was hooking up with her at this time, so Hank and I arrived at Ben's house with Bigirl and Bigirl's roommate at the time, who I will refer to as "Grown-ass Lady(GAL)." I call her GAL because after hanging out with her a few times, I noticed that although she was only 20, she was essentially a grown ass lady who lived the life of, and had the mindset of, a 30 year old girl who was done having fun at college. Now Hank had decided that he would try and hook up with GAL, mostly because he was one of the best wingmen I ever had.

So the night starts off with just the four of us, Ben and Bruce at Ben's house playing beerpong. Bruce and I are, by far, the greatest beerpong team ever, and as we start winning our first three games against Ben and Hank, suddenly 200 freshmen show up ready for the first Saturday night house party of their collegiate lives. The catch is, we're still winning at beerpong, so I have no ability whatsoever to work the door seeing how we were doing so good.

I kid you not with this next fact. Bruce and I went 18-0 on the beerpong table that night before retiring to try and enjoy the party, myself to try and spend time with Bigirl. To qualify this, I was pretty drunk now but Bruce, who drinks like a champion every night of his life, was still relatively sober.

So when I meet back up with Bigirl, Hank, and GAL, GAL has met another kid who was fresh off the boat from New Zealand and had the greatest accent ever. Upon learning that I was hooking up with Bigirl, New Zealand took me to the side to ask for pointers on how to get with GAL. He says

"The problem is, I have a girlfriend...but I don't feel bad about cheating on her if its with an ugly girl."

So New Zealand becomes my wingman, but Bigirl feels sick and has to go home, so I get her a ride home with a friend of mine, and New Zealand leaves with her and GAL in order to get some action.

So then the night winds down and there are only a few people left, most of whom are hot girls. Ben and I jump onto the pong table to play against this team of two really hot girls, one sexy ass blonde and one cute brunette, who are both, for some reason, dirty at beerpong. After our game, which I don't remember winning or losing, I start talking with the two girls and tell them about "how many parties we plan on throwing," and get their numbers in return. It was great because I got both their numbers separately, so I entered the blonde in my phone as "Susan cute," and I entered the brunette in my phone as "Tanya awesome and cute."

So Tanya, who clearly is into me, asks me to call her number so that she has my number too. So I call her number and it rings and rings and rings and eventually I get an answering machine. So I ask her why and she looks at the number and says:

"Oh, my bad, I gave you my house number."

...Seriously? Who the fuck gives out their house number at a college party by accident? So she gives me her cell number and I save it under "Actual Tanya awesome and cute." Then we make out for a little, which was fun, and the two of them have to leave because their ride is here to pick them up. In the conversation, I learn that their ride is from a rugby buddy of mine and I tell them to tell him I said whats up.

So now I'll get to the purpose of this story, and that was what has occurred in the months to follow. I'm not 100% certain whether or not I ever saw Actual Tanya Awesome and Cute ever again because, for the life of me, I could not remember what she actually looked like...I regularly texted her every time Ben had a party, and even a few more times to hang out, and although she did reply and still seem interested, we never actually hung out again.

Then it occurred to me that there cannot possibly be that many girls in my school named Tanya, so she should not be that hard to find. It also occurred to me that one of the younging's girlfriends, who is in the same year that Tanya was, is also named Tanya. I actually got somewhat worried and began to wonder if this was Actual Tanya Awesome and Cute...and I had made out with the girlfriend of one of my new roommates before even actually "meeting" her. So one night, when hanging out with Younging's Tanya, I texted Actual Tanya to see if her phone beeped, but it did not.

I also got the idea to ask my rugby buddy about her and he successfully told me about Susan, but did not remember her friend Tanya at all.

As for New Zealand, he never hooked up with GAL again, but I run into him every once in a while and we discuss that night. He even showed me a text from her once, from about a month later:

"Can you please come over? I wanna suck your dick so bad."

It kinda made me wish I had an Australian accent, but whatever.

It has gotten to a point where if I meet someone named Tanya, I have the thought in the back of my mind that this might be her, and I want to ask her "hey so did we make out at a party once and then you gave me your house number by accident?" but that seemed creepy.

So Tanya, if you're out there, I am still interested...I just have no clue what the fuck you look like.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

I Like Townie Bars.

I got a vast picture of my future last night when I met up with Britt(from "Mikee is an asshole") at a townie bar in the north part of my town. It was a comical bar seeing how there were two distinct groups of guests, the underage, since no one was id-ing, and the old-ass townies who, for the most part, all wore bandannas for some odd reason. There were no bouncers, "no smoking" signs all over, but people still smoked in the bar, two bartenders, and a door with no handle on the outside...the only way you could get in is to have someone inside open it for you.

So I walked to the bar, we all know I love walking places to get drunk, and I cannot get inside because the door has no handle, so I resort to calling Britt and telling her to let me in, which she does. Now for a bar with no feasible entrance, there sure are a lot of people here...amongst them is Monotone's older brother who recognizes me right away and we briefly catch up.

So I head over to Britt and meet up with her and her friends...keep in mind, I have not so much as seen any of her friends since highschool, so this is a big moment for all of them. Her friends are Bomb, Bomb2, and Babykiller. Bomb and Bomb2 are twin sisters who barely make it over five feet in height, and earned these nicknames because they essentially look like atomic bombs. Babykiller would be an attractive/cool girl if she didn't throw herself down a flight of stairs 6 years ago to kill the baby in her stomach. But I'm socializing with them none the less.

Then there is this guy there with half an arm, which isn't funny, but every time I looked at him he was doing funny ass shit with his nub. At one point, he was balancing a beer on it, at another he was air-guitaring with it, like come on, that's funny!

So anyway I start to walk towards the bathroom, but I have to walk past the girl's bathroom first where there is an unreasonably long line. As I'm walking past the girl's room, one girl breaks off the line and starts walking in front of me, and then once she reaches the men's room, she fucking goes inside. So my reaction is "WTF really?" Now I'm waiting outside of the men's room for a girl to stop peeing and there is a line behind me, right behind me is a fat Spanish guy. So the girl walks out and apologises and the fat Spanish guy starts to laugh. Then we each get inside to pee and the fat Spanish guy starts telling me a story about girls in the boys room, but I cannot decipher a word he is saying, so I'm just agreeing as if I knew what the fuck he was saying.

Then I find out its Monotone's brother's birthday so I buy him a jegabomb, which I am told is on the house because he is a regular. Then I proceed to buy beers for myself, Britt, and Babykiller and when the bartender sees me holding a fifty dollar bill in my hand, she tells me my beer is free. So I have to tell her I want 3 beers instead, complicating the whole free beer issue, and she gets two more and takes my fifty. But then she comes back with 52 dollars basically the bar gave me two dollars and three free beers.

Then I remember I was outside with Monotone's brother who is hammered and this is funny because we call our friend Monotone because he has a deep monotone voice, and his brother does not, unless he is hammered. So I'm just laughing at every word Monotone's brother says and I, again, can't understand any of it. But then we head back inside and Montone's brother takes a seat at the bar, looks back to me and says "Good night!" and puts his head down on the bar surface to take a nap. Yes, he passed out on the bar and no one, repeat, no one attempted to wake him up for the rest of the night.

So soon Britt and her friends left and I walked home and passed out...felt good to go to a bar here that isn't full of tools where the bartenders do not understand how to make change for big bills and everyone over 30 wears bandannas.