Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Old Story: St Patty's Day 2011

Well, its finally time. Here is that epic story I've been holding up my sleeve since 'nam. To put this into context, I started dating Bumpkin over the summer(2011), she was a friend of Shorty's. The night before Bumpkin and I started dating, I boned Shorty again and then she said "I really want a really." and I said "Meh," literally, I said "Meh." Bumpkin on the other hand was a southern girl whose dad lives in Pennsylvania and whose mom lives in Bumblefuck, Kentucky. Regardless, damn she has a sexy ass.

Anyway, I ramble. This is about a week after I met Bumpkin for the first time. At this time, I was in the mindset of CWG hunting, AKA, looking for CWG and then making out with a stranger so I could make her jealous(I only pulled this off once).

So Bff called me a few days before St Patty's day to tell me that she'd be passing through town, on her way to Scranton, aka, where The Office takes place, to attend the St Patty's day parade with Bruce and his girlfriend, amongst other people. Now the Scranton St Patty's day parade, as I am told, is the second biggest in the country, not behind New York, but behind somewhere in Georgia. Obviously I was down to go to this parade with her.

And so the day of the parade came, I tried to wake Beard up to ask if he wanted to come but he didn't wake, so I figured I'd go alone. I went to Wawa, got a breakfast sandwich, dressed in green, and then climbed into Bff's car and off we went. The only things I took with me were my sweatshirt and my breakfast sandwich.

We arrived in Scranton at like 10:30 and by this point, there was a pre-race marathon going on, for some reason, so we couldn't cross any street until a cop told us we could. We finally were informed to go to a behemoth of a bar that was 8 stories tall, each story having its own adventure going on(one a sports bar, one a dance club, etc etc) and one bathroom...yep, one friging bathroom in the basement. We headed all the way to the top floor where I learned that beer was a dollar a can, and quickly started putting some back. Its about this point that we met up with Kyooga, 65%, Peaches, Tubbytits, and the boyfriends of Peaches and 65% and we continued to drink. Now I'm getting a little drunk but I do know that after a little while, we were in the basement with Bruce and his girlfriend watching the long ass bathroom lines be long and shit.

Everything starts to get a little hazy now. Bff and I went to another level which resembled a dance club at one point and I thought I saw CWG and Tallcunt at the end of the bar so I started talking to a random girl who was standing there, and then I made out with that random girl who was standing there(told you it worked once). After I'm convinced the others saw me I said goodbye but this girl decided she didn't want me to leave, that is, without giving her my number. So I rattled my number off, and she said "Your name is Issac, right?" ...yep, she thought my name was Issac. I didn't bother to correct her and put her number into my phone as "Girl who thinks I'm Issac," where it still remains to this day.

At another point we actually made a pizza run. I did not eat any because, I mean, I was born in New York, no Scranton pizza place is gonna appeal to me. I then waited about an hour to take a piss in an outhouse, as public urination comes with a hefty fine. I don't know how, but we wound up right back at Behemoth bar.

Here, we talked to a couple of people, Ben kept calling me to say he was nearby but I couldn't hear him ever. Some girl who was in my major and her cute friend appeared and were talking to me, then they left. Finally, a group of girls appeared beside me...and I did my usual pickup line on them which really encompassed accidentally bumping into them and then apologizing for something I wouldn't be apologizing for if I wasn't clearly trying to hit on them. Anyway, this was the group I perused:

Stringy: a tall skinny girl with an angry face(if that makes sense)
Raggety: A thin girl who rarely smiled and looked weird with makeup on
Pumpkin Patch: shorter and not as thin as the other two...but nicest eyes in the group(EW what a faggot, he said she had nice eyes)

So I learned something about drunk Mikee this night...Drunk Mikee tends to notice eyes before obesity(As Bff told me). Before I knew it, Raggety had dissappeared and Pumpkin Patch had her tongue in my mouth. This was going on for so long, apparently, that Bff had to even come over to me and say "The Bartender says stop." After that, I did stop...and then I ordered a new beer, and the bartender said "Ah, you came up for air!" and suddenly I felt weird.

Then everyone decided we would head back to Bruce's girlfriend's house but I decided I wanted to get laid, so I went back with Pumpkin Patch. Kyooga and Bff tried to stop me several times, Kyooga even texted me and(she was drunk too) offered to blow me if I didn't go home with Pumpkin Patch. I would have gladly taken this option had my phone battery not pretty much been dead from Ben's constant trying to reach the last thing I did before turning my phone off that night is put Bff's number into Pumpkin Patch's phone.

Pumpkin Patch and I left the bar and we made out for a little bit on the street. I remember somebody appeared and told me to bone her and I said I probably would. So the two of us sat down on a random bench somewhere and she called her sister to come pick us up. Her sister did not answer, so she started to cry...and then she called her mom. Now here I am in the middle of Scranton alone with a fat girl who is crying and calling her mom. I felt this discourse to worry until Stringy and Raggety suddenly appeared and yelled at her:

Stringy: Did you just call mom? (This is when I realized they were sisters)
Pumpkin Patch: Yes
Stringy: Why would you call mom? You're my responsibility, she's gonna get pissed at me!
Pumpkin Patch: *cries*
Stringy: I'm calling you a taxi! You're going home!

Now before I could even interject and say, "before you leave, can I have Bff's number out of your phone?" Raggety takes a seat on the other side of me and apologizes and then says "Are you hungry, Steve?" ...Now of course, Steve is my go to fake name and I had just recalled that's how I introduced myself to these girls, so they all think my name is Steve. I didn't think to correct her because it had occurred to me that the only thing I ate that day was that Wawa breakfast sandwich, so I said yes! I put Bff's number into Raggety's phone, Pumpkin Patch left in a cab, and Stringy, Raggety and I got into Stringy's car and went to Applebees.

I barely remember eating or anything beyond that. I turned my phone on for a second to see that Bff had given me Bruce's girlfriend's address in case my foray went south, but I turned my phone back off and continued to eat. After we ate, Raggety said she felt bad about what happened between me and Pumpkin Patch and said I could stay with them if I wanted.

And so I decided to stay with them.

And so we drove somewhere into the heart of Scranton and parked on some street. The three of us walked up the stairs of this apartment complex and into some random apartment where some guy with a beard greeted me with a handshake and said "Hey, I'm John."

John's apartment was set up as follows: you walk in and there's the kitchen. To your right is the bathroom and to your left is John's bedroom. After walking into his bedroom, if you make a right you're in the living room where there are two couches and a tv. There is no door or curtain between the living room and the bedroom and John informs us that Raggety and I get to sleep on the couch together, and we can watch some netflix if we want. John puts something on for us and then takes Stringy to his bed and bones her.

Raggety and I watched so little of this program that I don't even remember what it must have been, she had her shirt off and was straddling my cock within minutes. She had these floppy titties and as they jiggled, while she fucked me unprotected(I know, I'm stupid) she suddenly stopped, declaring "They can see me!" So I did the best I can to fix a makeshift curtain over the doorway to John's bedroom. We went back to fucking and my curtain fell down. I didn't feel like fixing it so I asked if she'd just give me a blowjob.

So she gave me a blowjob and while she was sucking I kinda put my head back and closed my eyes, like some guys like to do, but this made her stop with anger and yell, "If you're gonna fall asleep, I'm not gonna do it!" I had to explain to this Raggety bitch that that was just my way of enjoying the blowjob.

Anyway, I came, she swallowed, and we tried to sleep on this couch. There really wasn't much room, so half way through the night I kicked her off, and she slept on the other couch.

No, that is not the end of this post.

The next morning came and I asked Stringy if she would drive me to Bruce's Girlfriend's house, where i was hoping Bff still was. Stringy offered to actually drive me all the way back to my school, but I declined this because I left my sweatshirt in Bff's car. I turned my phone on just long enough to get the address and she put it into her phone's gps. I then said goodbye to John and the three of us left.

Stringy followed her phone's gps into this town I'd never been in before. She made a turn somewhere and pulled over and said we were there, so I had Raggety call Bff and Bff did not answer. I decided I'd cut my losses, I said goodbye to the girls and took a seat on the front porch of the house, watching them pull away.

It was about this moment that I realized how retarded I am...Here I was with no cellphone, no money, in the middle of Scranton, banking on the fact that I was at the house of a friend of mine's girlfriend with no sweatshirt, in the cold, hoping they'd just open their front door and let me in. This is when I realized, I'm fucked.

First I had a doubt in my mind about the house I'd selected as I wasn't certain if the number was "13," "31," "131," or "331." Here I was at 31 and I took a chance and rang the doorbell. No one answered, so I walked. I walked about two and a half blocks to 13 and I rang the doorbell. An older lady answered and I stared at her for a moment.

Me: Are you Bruce's girlfreind's mom?
Her: Yes
Me: I'm Bruce's girlfriend's friend, can I come in?

To my surprise, she let me in without any further interrogation. She even told me where everyone was sleeping, saying "Bff is in the living room, Kyooga is in the den, 65% and her boyfriend are in the guest bedroom etc. etc." I told her my phone battery was dead and climbed onto the air mattress in front of me. Bff was on the other end of this mattress, and I just kinda snuggled up against her and fell asleep, ignoring whatever Bruce's Girlfriend's mom said.

When I woke up, breakfast was made for us. I went to the bathroom and found some mouthwash, rinsed my mouth, and then took the biggest shit of my life. I couldn't get the smell out. So now, to Bruce's Girlfriend's mom, I'm not only the guy who was boning, but I'm also the guy with the smelly shit.

Kyooga told me to ignore her text and it wasn't until I got home and changed my phone that I found out what she had said to me. If I could go back though I wouldn't change a goddamn story of 2011 hands down!

Friday, October 21, 2011

Half Assed Entry

I now have 8am classes on Mondays and Wednesdays and Fridays, which totally sucks balls and makes it hard to go out on Thursday night, but last night I pulled it off, some how. Also I share all my classes with Jersey, and me and her have actually gotten really really close this semester.

First of all, I wanna tell about last weekend:

So Mac and I went to this party last Saturday and attending this party was the new cast of the foreign exchange club, most of which are fucking hot ass girls. This one hot girl from Spain, named Empanada or something, spent the whole night talking to me, and I was pointing to items all over the place getting her to say what they were, and she would sing "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes," on command. Long story short, Mac wound up bringing home a British girl, who I realized totally has class with me and Jersey.

So back to last night, I went out to the bars with Hn1, her boyfriend, and their roommates, which I guess has become my new bar crew. Hn1 picked me up, and I brought about six beers with me expecting to pre-game somewhere...but turns out we weren't really pregamming...we kinda went to the apartment we used to live at, into the room of the RA, and had to shotgun six beers while her roommates watched tv. Anyways, after that we headed to Clubbar, but seeing how it was only 9:30, the bar was dead and we wound up sitting there for an hour or so.

After a while I wound up texting Jersey and she told me she was at CBOS, so we headed over there. I found Jersey in the back corner and I immediately had to tell her about the British girl and Mac, seeing how I didn't really have a chance to say anything about it this week in class. Then, and I can't make this up, out of NOWHERE the British girl appears! So now we're all talking about class and shit and I buy us all 2 dollar shots and we decide to head to Sportsbar. On my way out I thought I saw Empanada so I pointed to her and said "Head Shoulders Knees and Toes!" ...But it wasn't her. Turns out I said that to a complete stranger.

Anyway we head to Sportsbar and I stepped outside for a little bit, but when I started to walk back in the bouncer stopped me and said I was too drunk. So I knew what to do, I went to the other door and went inside and kept drinking. After a little while though I wound up walking past the first door only to catch eyes with the bouncer that denied me entrance, and needless to say he was pissed. So yes, I got kicked out of Sportsbar, it was fun.

I wound up going to Chillbar, for the first time all year by the way, and all the bartenders and doormen were enthralled to see me again! Then I decided to buy a table of girls this part gets hazy because all I remember is the female bartender saying "You don't wanna buy them all shots." And then I thought I did...but my receipt says I didn't. Anyway, I got home somehow, and apparently I went to Wawa and made them make me breakfast.

Oh and its homecoming weekend, AKA the one year anniversary of my EPIC night. Hopefully this weekend will yield another post.

Oh and I texted my ex and said "Come be with John Wayne forever...he took over your battalion!" ...Don't ask me what that could possibly mean.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

This School is Too Damn Small Part Two

So last night Mac and I went out to the bars and the heavy drinking began. After a little while, however, we kinda lost track of each other and I was flying solo through clubbar trying to get laid.

I met this girl, lets name her toothpick, in the bathroom line and I offered to buy her a shot, so we went to the bar and I bought her a shot. I bought like four or five other people shots too, gave out my number a few times, including to Toothpick, and then the bar closed and I got a phone call from a random number I don't know.

"Hey, Mike?" The girl on the other end asked
"What are you doing?? You should come over!"

Okay so now I kinda assumed this was Toothpick because she seemed like the most horny of all the girls I'd given my number out to that night. She was inviting me up to an apartment complex just north of campus and, during the entire time we talked on the phone, I heard her friends in the background yelling at her to come inside. I didn't care about what her friends were saying, I walked up to the apartment complex with a couple of condoms ready to get laid!

So anyway, keep in mind, I'm only slightly certain that I'm going to Toothpick's apartment. Regardless, I arrived outside of the apartment complex and I told her I was there and she appeared at the door...It wasn't Toothpick...It wasn't anyone I'd seen that night...

Now here is a blast from the past. Way back when, I'm saying a year and a half ago-ish, Greg and I had been at Clubbar when he told some random drunk girl to make out with me and she did. This is the girl that had just invited me over her apartment. Well she is sexy as fuck so I'm not gonna turn her down, I went inside.

Yep, I went inside...only to find that her roommate also had a guy over...and that this guy was Mac.

Turns out my girl had recognized Mac as being my roommate and asked him for my number(she was sloppy drunk, again), and the voices in the background telling her to come inside belonged to Mac and his girl, turns out Mac did not know that she was calling me and inviting me over. So you can imagine the feeling of both Mac and myself upon realizing that we were fucking roommates.

Oh and in case I forget to mention, she thought I was another Mikee...but I was good enough, apparently because I got it in.

So, long story short, Mac and I attained what Beard and I were never able to do, we fucked two girls who were roommates at the same time. It was pretty sweet and we walked home together recanting in how awesome our nights were...but this just goes to prove once again that This School Is Too Damn Small.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Jesus, I Haven't Said So Many Things

Okay, upon realizing I haven't made a post since 'Nam, I'll just give a list of some ridiculous things that have happened to me this year that I never made posts of/happened to me this summer:

1. A 40 year old mom snorted coke of my boner.

Yep, Beard and I went on a road trip through the south and, upon stopping at Myrtle Beach one night, which, by the way, is absurdly ghetto, and he disclosed to me the fact that he loved older women. Being a good wingman, I went along with him to a hotel room occupied by four 40 year olds and a bunch of cocaine. One thing led to another and BOOM lines off my boner.

2. I fucked the cousin of a girl I made out with on St Patty's Day, and then got stranded in Scranton with no phone or money

This WILL be a post eventually, and when it is made, it will be the best post ever.

3. I got hit by a MOTHERFUCKING car

I was drunk and walking home from Wawa, crossing the only intersection between Wawa and my house when the car waiting at the red light decided to gun it the second he light turned green, in spite of my being directly in front of it. It stopped as it was hitting my hip, and then I looked up to see a car full of drunk college students who all had the same look of utter shock on their faces.

4. I got into a verbal argument/political discussion with a legislator while we were both drunk at the same bar

Okay this is back during the road trip and Beard and I had stopped in Charlotte, SC. Beard, being drunken and social began to talk to this guy, a complete stranger, and he revealed to me that he was a legislator. Well, after talking to him for a little bit, and noticing his political nuances, I called him out on them and, apparently, pissed him off. Best part, he thinks I'm amongst the demographic(people who actually fucking live in South Carolina) who would vote for him.

5. I, once again, received the greatest compliment of my life

I've had the same dick since I was a wee little baby(pun intended) but I was 22 before someone said I could be a "dick model," or the inspiration for somebody's favorite dildo. Well I got this compliment again, in Nashville, where I gave some girl from Colorado, HANDS DOWN, the best lay of her entire fucking life. It was so good she actually has texted me three or four times since(I have no intention to ever see her again, and I won't ever see her again, and no she does not even have my facebook), but she has a reason to LOVE Nashville now.

6. I hooked up with Cheeks...and then killed her Goldfish

One of the last nights at school Beard and I went over Tall's house to drink with Cheeks and Ground and the crew. We went to the bars and, at the end of the night, we headed back to their house where Cheeks and I had been hooking up, but DrunkMikee intervened and, seeing a bowl of water on the counter, not realizing there was a fish in there, reached my hand inside and started splashing everybody.

7. I got kicked out of a bar for mooning Beard

This was a while ago but basically Beard was hitting on some ugly fat girl in Clubbar and, as a response, I mooned him! The bouncers had to ask me to leave, but I had to close my tab first, and then they couldn't stop apologizing, mostly because they realized how much money I spend there.

There is probably more stuff but I'll be back in Pennsylvania by week's end and school starts up again! Hopefully, what should be my last year, will be awesome!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Everyone graduated!

The following regulars involved in Mikee's Miseducation have graduated from college:

Beard(actually transferred)
New Zealand

Still around:

Well I made due after last year's graduation class (CWG, Bff, Hn2, Shorty, etc.) so I think I'll be fine.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Taxi's and Psycho Bitches

On the one year anniversary of my first time boning CWG, I'm gonna wrap up 10pm through 2am last night in one sentence: We went to Ben's house to pregame, walked to the bar, Bigirl tripped and busted her face, Bff came up to visit which meant I had to see Chantgirl which, in return, meant I had to make out with Chantgirl but when she asked me to go back with her I said no because of her parolee boyfriend, and I lost sight of everyone I was with.

So now its 2:30am and the bars are closed and I'm scouring the avenue in front of CBOS looking for a taxi. I get into one taxi with two girls and this fat bitch, her skinny friend, and some dude also get in, so that's six people, aka, enough people for a taxi, but fat bitch insists we can't all use this taxi so myself and my two girls get out and decide to wait for a taxi across the street.

Then this first taxi makes a giant u-turn and drops this fat bitch off at the pizza place so she can feed her fat face. One of my girls says "wow, what a fat cunt!" So I take this as an initiative and start a chant, pointing right at her saying "FAT CUNT! FAT CUNT! FAT CUNT!" And to my surprise, a group of guys and a few girls standing behind us all start joining in, so this fat bitch is greeted with a "FAT CUNT" chant. Then I switched the chant up and started a "WHO'S A FAT CUNT? YOU'RE A FAT CUNT! WHO'S A FAT CUNT? YOU'RE A FAT CUNT!" And the crowd of people are loving it and joining in, it felt like I was in the bleachers at Yankee stadium.

And it was all fun and games until I saw Jegabombs suddenly climb out of the taxi and give me a "wtf?" look. Apparently he knew these people and got into the taxi when it was in front of CBOS after we crossed the street, but I'm drunk and he's drunk so we exchanged friendly back and fourth New York style insults before the taxi left.

Then I called the taxi company and ordered a new taxi for me and my two girls. When this taxi arrived, the three of us got in, me and one girl in the back and the other girl in the front. As we were telling the driver where to go, suddenly this psycho bitch appears at the passenger's side door and opens it, trying to rip that girl out. The two of them start sparring, and I'm just watching this, and suddenly some guy sticks his head into the taxi and says "EVERYONE GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE CAB RIGHT NOW!" I'm still sitting there though thinking, who the fuck is this guy? until I realize that it is a cop. So I get out of the cab and start to walk away....and I kept walking...until I arrived at my house.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

The Most Epic Battle Between Pirates and Ninjas Ever

So I kinda rushed Friday's post because this one is EPIC.

Beard and I started drinking on Saturday at about 2 and we went to this party with our tiny puppy. Greg was also at this party and he brought his giant pitbull with him and, for the record, Greg's giant pitbull would murder our little puppy in a second. So at one point Jegabomb's ex girlfriend is there and she is holding the leash for Greg's pitbull and I'm holding my tiny ass doggy on his leash and letting the two dogs grawl at each other from a distance, so this dumb bitch decides to let go of the pitbull's leash. Now I have a pitbull coming after our little puppy and I, single handedly, wrestled this pitbull away and arose from the backyard with my puppy in my arms while holding a pitbull by the collar with my other hand...stupid bitch. Unfortionately, all my heroics were not seen by anybody as, at this precise moment, Beard had been climbing a tree and fell out of it.

Anyway I get a text from Cheeks telling me to come over and hang out so Beard and I drop the puppy off at home and head over there. We get to Tall's house where Cheeks and Ground are hanging out, along with Bigirl and a few other girls plus like 2 other dudes. Now the second I walk in, I'm the shit and, not to boast, but I really brought life to that party.

Anyway, we walked to the bars and we head over to CBOS where I lock eyes with some random girl and then start talking to her. Her name was Kaitlin and she was decent looking, but she was with her friend, this fat ugly bitch. Me and Kaitlin must have been talking four about 15 minutes when she introduced me to her friend:

Kaitlin: (pointing to fat ugly bitch) This is my friend, Sinja
Me: Ninja?
Kaitlin: No! Sinja! But Ninjas are awesome
Me: ...Ninjas suck! Pirates are awesome!
Kaitlin: Pirates suck!
Me: Pirates do nothing but rape and pillage! Ninjas don't even have free will, they are not even allowed to enjoy their lives! Plus ninjas are pointless! They're like the fake enemy you have to face before you get to the real enemy!
Kaitlin: ...We have to go

So Kaitlin and Sinja walk away and I find Beard and we head over to another bar where we hang out for a little bit, but not before Beard is suddenly approached by a cougar(remember, Beard loves cougars) and he decides to go home with her, leaving me by myself.

So here is Drunkmikee parusing the bars and looking for pussy and, in the process, I head back to CBOS where I literally scour the bar for any girl I can find. I spot Kaitlin again and say something to her and she kinda shoves me off so then closing time occurs and I leave.

Now, there is a metal bench in front of CBOS and I walked out to spot Kaitlin and Sinja sitting on this bench, so I took a seat beside Kaitlin and tried to pick up our conversation from earlier, only to get this responce:

"What the fuck is wrong with you? You insulted me and my friend and you think you can just sit down beside me and act like you did nothing wrong?"

Needless to say, I'm kinda surprised to hear this...I mean, I "Insulted" them? saying ninjas suck "insulted" them? ...I criticized something that RHYMED with her friend's last name and that's an insult? Jeeze, its like I called them cunts or something.

So as if I wasn't already feeling like Lord Petrie, I get approached by three of their guy friends(all black) who clearly didn't realize I'm from New York. One of them says something, trying to pretend he's ghetto and tries to push me, so I push him away and then black guy number two comes up and punches me in the seriously, ghetto boy, who the fuck throws a fight's first punch as a shot to the stomach? Well now its a fight, so I pick up black guy number two and just kinda throw him in the direction of the bench, and he falls into the bench and tumbles over it in, what may have been, the funniest fashion ever. Here he was, upside down on this bench with his stupid fucking nike dunks sticking up in the air, and all I could think about is how funny he looks. Regardless, I looked back at his two friends who are just staring at their fallen comrade in shock, clearly either not willing to continue fighting or not having ever been willing to actually have an altercation, and I decide its best to walk away, and I do, in the direciton of the cops. As I left, I quipped something like, "I dare you to follow me," and nobody did. And I got home without the cops saying or doing anything to me.

So I walked home all by myself feeling like the man again. Beard came back from his cougar's house and I told him all about my night, to which he realized that the two most awesome things I did were witnessed by absolutely no one. Then I got a text from a random number I didn't know and I asked whose number it was. We sent a few texts back and fourth and established that we were both in CBOS last night. Finally I asked, "What's your name?" ...she responds, "Kaitlin." ...I simply answered, "Lol," and that was the end.