Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Old story: Party Weekend

In order to keep my school a secret, I will refrain from calling this weekend what it is actually called.

So about a week before I started this blog we had a rugby game scheduled at another school in Pennsylvania during their annual biggest weekend of drunk parties. I went to "party weekend" last year and it was a shit show, so I was ready to get hammered all weekend and play a game of rugby somewhere in the middle.

I informed Ben about our trip and, seeing how Ben had a friend who went to this school, I assured that I would drive down with him so that I had a place to stay/shower after the game. So, Ben and I left our school at about 2pm on Friday and, half way to the second school, we hit terrible traffic just as Ben has to take a major piss. So what does this fucker do? He finds a water bottle in my car and pisses in it while we're in traffic on I-81. ...then, he fills this water bottle to capacity and still has to pee, so I have to chug my Gatorade and vodka mixture so he had a bottle to continue pissing in without getting it all over my car.

Needless to say, I'm a little tipsy when we arrive at this school...and have to drive through a roadblock where cops stopped us and asked us what we were doing. I told them I had a rugby game to play and that I did not plan on driving drunk...even though I already was thanks to Ben, and they believed I was sober enough to let us in.

So we get to Ben's friend's house where his friend, Clean-cut, lives. Now I met Cleancut before, all he does with his life is drink, and he is about 24 and still in college due to his chronic drinking. I also found it rather funny that Cleancut lived in the ROTC house where every other resident was, in fact, in the army. All of Cleancut's roommates were out, at this point, participating in army training, so it was just the three of us until Hank arrived and we started playing beerpong.

So we play beerpong for about three hours and, in my sloppy drunkness, I realized that I totally missed the start of the rugby game. The catch is, campus is about a mile back, back through the roadblock, and I am hammered, so the drunk rugby game I envisioned was not about to happen.

Now I am hammered and playing Call of Duty...big surprise, the Army house has COD in their living room, and Cleancut runs out to his girlfriend's house for a little bit. Hank then somehow convinces us to go to the house next-door where they are playing beerpong and we head over and are, for some odd reason, welcome to hang out and drink free beer.

In our drunkenness, we bring this whole house over the Army house where Cleancut has returned with a case of some Smirnoff shit insisting his girlfriend and her friends are coming by. We then introduce him to our new friends, who he already knew, and all already had these nicknames:

Lasagna-a hairy slob content to just drink as much as possible and be a drunk mess 24/7.
Scrotum-a tall, skinny Italian kid who said 4 words all night.
Diabetes-a short kid with a shaved head who, apparently earned this nickname because he, well, has diabetes
Bruce Lee-a small, swift, skinny kid who, I don't think was Asian, but he looked like an Asian and talked like an Asian.

Then these random girls come over and I learn that one of them is going out with Cleancut's roommate. The only other thing I remember about these girls is that one of them was named Katrina and we were playing beerpong together and every time she missed a shot I said something along the lines of "first you fucked up New Orleans, then you miss this cup?" I also had Katrina convinced that I had family in New Orleans...wasn't expecting her to actually have family in New Orleans and start asking me questions like 'what part are they from?' and 'did everyone get out okay?'

So I am exposed as having told a total lie to Katrina and I leave the pong table to the back porch where Hank is giving Scrotum a haircut...I did not ask, I did not want to know, and Lasagna and Diabetes are taking turns peeing on Cleancut's truck, from Ben's advice.

So I get inside and Ben has his arm around Cleancut's girlfriend openly hitting on her. Cleancut is playing a COD tourniment with his roommates in the other room and Bruce Lee is schooling them. So I head upstairs to the bathroom where two of the girls are standing in line waiting for the bathroom. One thing leads to another and I'm hitting on the better looking of the two, apparently my game is so good that she has let the other girl go to the bathroom by herself. Anyway, we make a deal to play pong together downstairs after we pee, and I convince her I live in the house...don't ask me why...and because I've convinced her of this, it means I'm in the army.

So I take my piss and return downstairs where I am approached by Katrina, the girl I was talking to, and two of their friends saying "...um, you don't live here." ...apparently I had no shot with this girl because this was the girlfriend of the other guy in the house, who I never met. Now I am hammered so I merely call their bluff and pass out on a couch.

I woke up the following morning at 6am to Lasagna standing over me yelling "MOTHER FUCKING PARTY WEEKEND!" So I force myself out of bed, go upstairs and take a shit, and return downstairs to where Lasagna has passed back out, and everyone else is still fast asleep. Now I am wide fucking awake, so I go outside on the porch and have my first beer of the day. While out here, Hank comes out to smoke his first cigarette of the day and suggests we go get breakfast...I get about half way down the block, towards the diner, when I realize I probably cannot bring a beer into the diner at six in the morning, and toss my can somewhere.

So Hank and I grab a booth and he orders biscuits and gravy for breakfast...biscuits and gravy...I have never seen someone actually eat biscuits and gravy before, I always thought it was a fictional meal, but this fucker sat across from me and chomped down...in between which he was pointing to random girls that came in insisting he would try to fuck them.

So we get back to the house where everyone is awake and we all start drinking on the front porch...everyone that steps on the grass is forced to, by Lasagna, to do thirty push ups...and they all do. So after about an hour or so we make a walk to Cleancut's girlfriend's house where there is a live band set up and she is avidly cooking breakfast for all 150 people in her front yard drinking.

Well we all continue drinking, and keep in mind its only like 11am, and so we're all outside playing beerpong in the terribly windy weather where the balls are not even coming close to the cups. To make this situation better, the property is surrounded by yellow caution tape and there are two state troopers just watching us, and whenever someone crosses the yellow caution tape with a beer, the troopers tackle them and put them in handcuffs. Also, everyone is booing the band because they suck.

Anyway, after a couple of hours, Cleancut and I are playing beerpong and the local tv news shows up to film us. Also filming us is some angry townie who, I think, thought he could maybe get us in trouble for turning his quiet college town into drink-fest 2010. Basically, Cleancut and I were on tv playing what might have been the longest and worst beerpong game of my life...to put this in perspective, after the game I had to take a piss so long that it lasted longer than the duration of the game.

So finally, feeling the pressure of the cameras, I step up and make the last two cups so I could force out this epic piss. As I walked inside, some random kid asked me if he could come in to pee and I said yes, one again acting like I lived there, but only after I peed. Once I finished my piss, I walked out of the bathroom to find this kid getting carried out by the other residents for passing out on the dryer. It was during this that I discovered a new type of drunk food: room temperature chocolate chip pancakes dipped in queso sauce...trust me.

So then we run out of beer, but Bruce Lee keeps producing beers from somewhere, don't ask me how...he was basically sneaking into other people's stashes and coming back to give us beer. Also, Lasagna had gotten out of the yellow tape and was drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette with the State Troopers, who actually seemed to enjoy his company.

So anyway, we arrived back at Cleancut's house to find his landlord cleaning the front porch, extremely pissed off at him. This landlord had to be the funniest shaped Danny Devito bodied fucker I've ever seen. Cleancut explained that we hadn't been there all afternoon but the Landlord was a dick and kept yelling at him. So Ben and I are "cleaning" the place to appease the asshole landlord as we hear him yelling at Cleancut on the front porch...this gives me an idea. I walked behind the landlord to where Cleancut could see me but he cannot and dropped my pants.

I stood there, naked from the waste down, for about three minutes...Cleancut holding his composure the whole time...before I turned around and made my stature into a full on moon. Well I had rather poor timing because this is exactly when the landlord turned around...and told me he never wanted to see me on his property again.

So I got about three houses down, still drinking my beer, when Hank called me and told me to come back, saying it was probably the funniest thing he'd ever seen. When I returned, Ben was passed out, Lasagna and Scrotum were playing one-on-one beerpong, Bruce Lee still had beer, and Hank was asking everyone who walked past for cigarettes seeing how he was out.

...Don't remember driving home, but I do remember finding two waterbottles full of piss in my backseat a few weeks later. Also, looking back, I can't imagine anyone in that town liking me anymore but I doubt I'll be back...ever. ...Good times.