It was a quote from Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia that stated the layout of every group of friends: The Looks, The Brains, and The Wildcard. Now I can relate this to my home friends: Andrew is the looks(no homo), Kyle is the brains(even though he's a highshool dropout), and I am, by far, the wildcard. Then we have reserves for our spots, like Monotone is Andrew's reserve for looks, and Beans is my reserve for wildcard.
Well anyway, after that quick introduction of my four closest home friends, I can proceed with the story. Now, last summer, Long Arms was turning 21 and he planned out a trip to Atlantic City. When he told us about it, I learned that he already had a full car: Him, Bitter, Butch(an Offensive lineman for Iona), and Sprick, even though Sprick was only like 19.
So I decided it was time to go to AC for the first time and I asked my four closest friends if they were down. Now, Andrew and Kyle's birthdays were not until October, so they were still 20 and declined getting in trouble, and upon hearing this, Monotone, who was only 19, backed out as well. That left just Beans and myself, the only two of the group who were legally able to gamble.
Okay let me pause the story to give a more accurate description of Beans. He is about 5'10, he is chubby, he has pail white skin, thick glasses, used to have a bad acne problem, he has a raspy, whiny voice, and he lost his virginity when he was 21, and has not stopped talking about sex since. He is a college dropout, but he has a steady career so he has money, which he uses to dress himself in all Ed Hardy, Gucci, and Prada(yes, Prada). He also regularly does every pill on a daily basis, and he might be the most embarrassing person to be beside when girls are present. Okay, I think I covered him.
So I decide to drive down...big surprise. Now, if there is one thing Beans is randomly good at, its driving. I don't get it, it makes no sense, but he is the best driver I've ever met, like when he's driving, I feel like I'm 5 and in the car with my parents, he is that good. So when I picked him up, the first thing I said is "okay, you're driving," and so he got into the driver's seat and we started down.
Now all on the way to Atlantic City, he kept saying the same thing, "I am gonna get laid tonight! I can't wait!" ...I'm not sure if he was confusing AC for Vegas or if he just felt especially confident in himself that evening, but he was 100% convinced he would get laid by, at worst, a prostitute.
Also, I spent most of the trip down on the phone with my dad trying to get him to let us use his comped room in the Tropicana, where Long Arms and all them were staying. The one problem was Tropicana was completely booked and no one who was not the person who got the comping(comping?) was going to be allowed to stay in a room. So, long story short, my dad assures us he'd buy a room in the Quality Inn outside of Trop where we can spend the night..he offered to pay for it because he assured us he could get us a room, and couldn't.
So as we enter Atlantic City for the first time, Beans is telling me a story about his secret Asian massage parlor in New York that gives happy endings, and how he goes every day during his lunch break, and how I should come along too because supposedly Kyle agreed to try it out, which I doubt is true. But anyway, we drive up to the Tropicana and pull into the parking garage and park. Now for the entire duration of the trip down, I told him he could not smoke weed in my car...so what does this fucker do, the second we get out of the car, he lights up a fucking bowl in the Tropicana parking garage! Once I saw him do this, I just turned my back and walked away...fucking Beans.
So we get into Tropicana and meet up with the guys at a sportsbar upstairs and we all start drinking. Next thing I remember, Beans and I are playing a game of pool against Butch and some random guy he just met on crutches. Now crutch guy was an okay person, but Beans absolutely despised him, I don't know why...every time crutch guy spoke Beans would lean into my ear and say "I'm gonna fucking hit this guy."
So we went up to Long Arms room and started to play beerpong on the ironing board, and Butch is hammered and just falling into things. Oh yeah, and there's birthday cake, don't ask me where it came from, but we all just demolished it.
Then I remember Butch challenged me to a wrestling match, now I wrestled from 7th grade through 12th grade, and I was drunk, so next thing I knew, I was having a wrestling match with Iona's starting Offensive lineman...but I won! Yes, I pinned him, and, now this is why I hate drunk wrestling people who never wrestled in their lives, because after I win the match, they don't want to admit defeat. So Butch puts me into a choke hold, hitting me in the mouth in the process, and all I remember seeing is blood dripping down from my face onto his forearm.
Not sure how I got out of it, but I was looking at myself in the mirror and Butch had successfully hit my upper lip into my teeth so now there was a huge cut inside my mouth that hurt like a bitch. This is about the time that I make the decision to check into our hotel room, shower, and get ready for the night.
So Beans and I go outside and walk to the Quality Inn nextdoor to the Tropicana where the attendant asks if I just got into a fight and I have to actually say something along the lines of "no, I was play wrestling my offensive lineman friend and he would not accept defeat so he put me into a choker hold but missed my neck." Then I tell them my name and I find out that we do not have a reservation there. The clerk then assures us that there is another Quality Inn, about a mile away and that the reservation was probably made there. I asked if its in walking distance and the clerk replied "Yes, if you like crack and hos." ...So Beans replies "Yes! I like crack and hos! Lets walk it!" ...the clerk thought he was joking, he wasn't.
So Beans and I are walking down Pacific Avenue holding our luggage and, I think it was in front of Caesar's Palace, a group of girls stop me:
"Where you guys going?"
"To our hotel."
"Where are you guys gonna be at tonight?"
It was about this point in the conversation when Beans grabbed me by the arm and started pulling me away from the girls.
"Come on, Mikee, lets go!"
This action caused our conversation to end and now we were walking down the street again and I was pissed.
"What the fuck is wrong with you, Beans?"
"They were prostitutes!"
"...They were our age!"
"That doesn't mean anything, you don't know what the world is like, girls our age can be prostitutes!"
"...Dude, you don't know what girls our age are like, you don't even go to college."
"Yeah but I know what the real world is like."
Okay so lets start a running tally, number of times in one night Beans cockblocks me. Its at 1 now.
So we get to the Quality Inn and there is a cute girl behind the desk who I'm contemplating flirting with while she books us for the room...that is until Beans flat out asks "So where is the crack and hos at?"
We get upstairs, shower, and start back towards Tropicana to meet up with everyone else, but this time we decide to walk on the boardwalk because "there are less prostitutes there." So as we get close to the Trop, we walk past a massage parlor and, keep in mind its only like 6:30 at night so there are still families and kids and stuff on the boardwalk(and prostitutes roam Pacific Avenue before 6:30 looking for Johns), but anyway, we walk past a massage parlor and the lady standing in front calls out to us "Massages!" Beans shouts back, across a crowded Atlantic City Boardwalk:
"DO THEY COME WITH HAPPY ENDINGS?"
I drop my head in embarrassment and look back to him, "did you really just fucking say that?"
"WHAT? I get them all the time back home while on my lunch break! There's this asian place in the city, Kyle said he was gonna come."
So we get back to the Trop and we eat in Hooters where we might have had the hottest waitress in history who Butch would not stop hitting on, convinced he would get with her because he was still hammered. Then we went back upstairs, played more ironing board beerpong, and headed down at about 11 to some bar on the first floor. All I remember about this bar is sitting in the corner with Bitter making fun of people, specifically Beans as he tried to dance with a girl who was not having any. Also, the DJ was either the most gullible person ever, or about 80% of the bar was celebrating their 21st birthdays.
So we decide we will head upstairs to this club and, in all honesty, I fucking hate clubs. I think clubs are the worst environments ever, they make me want to vomit, so I'm skeptical about even going with them. Then, basically the second I plant my foot onto the top floor, I did not even imply that I was going to the club, a bouncer outside of the club points to me, from like 200 feet away, and says
"You can't come in! You're wearing sneakers!"
Now I'm drunk so I say something along the lines of "Good, clubs suck anyway!" and I start away towards one of the other bars on the top floor. Without even realizing, Beans followed me and everyone else stayed in the club line.
So Beans and I head to an Irish pub, which is totally my kind of bar, where there is a shitty-ass live band is playing. The bulk of conversation in this pub was "wow, this band sucks." But I deemed it suitable.
So I start talking to this really cute girl and Beans appears out of nowhere and starts talking to her too. Now this is a drunk move I pull every now and then when I'm trying to utilize Beans as a wingman, I leave Beans and the girl alone to talk to each other so that, by comparison, I'm an easy winner. Except this time, it backfires and Beans offends her somehow and she leaves. 3.
Then there is a Bachelerette Party going around, and they're all wearing these matching tiarras. I remember going to the bathroom for a minute and when I returned, I saw Beans talking with them so I approached. One girl goes:
"We're doing a Scavenger hunt! Can we have your boxers?"
Now there was no way in hell I was just gonna give up my boxers, so I tell them I'm not wearing any. Then Beans arises into my conversation:
"YOU'RE NOT WEARING BOXERS EITHER?"
The only other thing I can recall about this bar was Beans standing next to me talking about another girl that shot him down "because he was from New York." I wanted to turn to him and say, "Yeah, that's why, its not because you're loud, socially awkward, obnoxious, ugly, and think about sex 24/7."
Then we went downstairs and got something to eat and when Beans took out his wallet to pay, three Oxycontin fell out. Thank God the cashier just laughed at him.
Then we went back to our ghetto hotel and smoked on the balcony...it was a good way to end the night.