Sunday, May 9, 2010

Going to the Bar One Last Time

So Saturday was graduation, and I got to overhear everyone successfully complete their collegiate careers from my apartment window...but not before the landlady forces her disgusting fatbody into my room demanding to know why I hadn't moved out yet. I told her I didn't have a car, which is somewhat true because it was still parked somewhere by the bars, and that I was a graduation usher, which is a total lie seeing how you need a 3.4 gpa to usher graduation, and so I needed to wait for my parents to come get me...I later exaggerated that my parents were at a dinner party in the hamptons and drunk. Then it occurred to me that she probably has a list of people living in her building who are ushering graduation, but she never came back to question me, so I won.

Anyway, my parents arrive and I load all my shit into their car, have them take me to find my car, and go to Jegabomb's house to meet up with my home friends....I guess I should inform you about my home friends now, seeing how its summer and they'll probably be around a lot more:

Long Arms is a college basketball player who used Hgh in highschool, shooting him from 4'11 to 6'4. He is a total alcoholic.
Bitter is Long Arm's best friend, basically just drinks heavily every night and makes fun of people..he has more or less become a bitter old man.
Sprick-is a Spanish kid who is cool when hes sober but once drunk will get into fights, destroy stuff, and be the loudest, most annoying person ever.

So anyway, the five of us are drinking out of a keg at Jegabomb's house, and I bought a case of Keystones which we contribute to our drinking...keep in mind, this is at about 2pm. After a few beers, it is about 5pm and I realize that I am on an empty stomach, so I walk to CVS and get a variety of food: a bag of chex mix, a bag of jalapeno chips, a bag of honey roasted peanuts, and some flips. Now I am sitting there devouring every bag at once, but obviously I cannot finish all of this, so I save it for later.

Now the wind on Saturday was really bad, almost hurricane status. Sprick and I are throwing a football back and fourth while Jegabombs is sitting under a tree in his yard. All of a sudden, a breeze comes through and we hear a snap, and Jegabombs just gets up and hauls ass. There was a split second where we had no clue what was going on...then a frigin tree just falls right on Jegabomb's chair. Apparently Jegabombs had some form of spidey sense to get the fuck out of the way once he heard the snap. So anyway, we all throw the tree over the fence and let his neighbors deal with it.

Somewhere around this time, Sprick passes out and we decide to leave him behind before going to the apartment of some female friends of Jegabomb's to pregame.

So as we're getting ready for this taxi, I load up my pockets with everything I figure I would need for the night: cellphone, wallet, carkey, housekey, 3 keystones, one empty keystone, 2 condoms, cell phone charger, tin of skoal, ipod, headphones, and spare money...might be the record for must stuff ever kept in one pair of shorts.

So we get into the taxi and it takes us to this girl's apartment. Now this had to be the weirdest apartment I have ever seen, it was basically one long, endless hallway with a few bedrooms and a kitchen coming off of it. As for the girls, I was not that interested...I would have found them to be hot if I was hammered and/or they weren't all Persian. Anyway, we basically raid their refrigerator for alcohol, taking everything from boxed wine to some heavy ass Polish beer they had for some reason and we pound.

Next thing I knew, we were walking to Cb2, despite my objection...I was only objecting because I was wearing a hat and they don't allow hats inside because they only want people with full heads of hair getting laid. So we're in this bar and I'm the fucker standing there holding my fucking hat all night.

Anyway, I text CWG and see where she is at and she tells me to stop by Cb1. I meet up with her and buy her a birthday shot, and I might have confessed my undying love for her again, and even told her friends "This girl is amazing!" But, long story short, she agrees to meet me at Cb2.

So I get back to Cb2, where the bouncer is basically Eric Estrada if he was jacked and I run into a girl I used to hang out with when I lived in the dorms, lets call her Gina. So I'm kinda drunk now and I suggest we take shots, and I'm introducing Gina to everyone saying "This girl is not 21!" ...which she wasn't but, come on I'm not that much of an asshole.

Then suddenly someone grabs my shoulder. I turn around to reveal Eric Estrada:

"Do you want to get kicked out or something?"
"Didn't I say we don't allow hats in here?"
"Oh, I'm sorry" ...I now proceed to take the hat off.
"If I have to ask you again, I will drag you out."

So after that pleasant run in with the bouncer, I'm just looking around at people asking "did that really just happen?" And Gina is asking me to buy a shot for her friend too, which, looking back, I probably should have since her friend was hot, but I told her I had no money and just got shots for the two of us. We also exchanged numbers and she told me to "come find her later" before departing...I guess I was too drunk to actually go find her...yet another drunken thing I regret not doing.

Anyway CWG arrives and we dance for a little bit before I run into Mikee2...Mikee2 is a kid who was in my major who, when I first met him, I felt discouraged because my major already had a Mikee. Needless to say, we spent two years not really socializing with each other, mostly because we were basically the same person, but this semester we actually became close friends, mostly due to our Creative Writing class.

So I bring him over to CWG and I start a drunken "Creative Writing" chant and then I bring Mikee2 to the bar and insist we take shots. Now this makes shot number three that I have both bought for someone else and ingested. Then someone walks into the bar...its Sprick, up from his nap and still hammered, he drove out to meet us.

So Sprick is dancing with one of the Persian girls and Bitter and I are standing by the bar just making fun of people...then I bought him a shot too. Then CWG comes and says goodbye and I tell Bitter and Long Arms that I banged her, so they both start hitting on her.

Anyway, next thing I remember is we're walking back to the girl's apartment, and Sprick has driven back to Jegabomb's house to get the keg. Now we're raiding these girl's cabinets to find anything we can use as a cup so we can drink out of the keg...I had a ricotta container, Sprick had a Tupperware, Bitter had an empty Keystone can, etc. Then Jegabombs got into a fight with one of the girls so we had to pack up the keg and take it back to his house, and yes we all took our cups with us.

Sorry I don't remember more, but next thing I knew I woke up watching Law and Order with a six hour old lip in my mouth, all my food was gone, and I was on Jegabomb's floor and I was fifty dollars poorer from buying all those frigin shots. Oh and I still had a full Keystone in my pocket...apparently I had it there all night.