Friday, May 7, 2010

Final Thursday of the Semester, was One Hell of a Drunken Adventure

Allow me to preface this one by saying that I was actually contemplating starting this post while I was hammered and in the bar, making it my first drunk blog ever...but then I realized that I'd have been drunk blogging, which probably goes against everything I believe in....then I lost my cellphone.

Anyway, CWG and The Bff both have the same major and they both headed out at about six on a barcrawl to every bar in town. Meanwhile, I was sitting at my laptop reading my facebook newsfeed which only kept reminding me that people my age usually graduate from college at this point in their lives.

So anyway, I meet up with the entire major, basically, at about 9:30 when they head to club bar. Now I drove there, don't ask me where I parked, but I recall walking past the hotel where some woman walked out as I was walking past. As she exited the hotel, she goes "Everyone here is FUCKING stupid!" Now I'm not sure if she was trying to get me to defend the town or if she was just a crazy person, but she kept saying that same line, "Everyone here is fucking stupid!" I'm walking about twenty feet away, awkwardly trying to avoid her.

Anyway, I arrived at club bar and I learn, instantly, that I legitimately only know two people on this entire bar crawl, and they both know everyone else on this bar crawl, so I'm awkwardly standing there, not blending in because they all have matching shirts, and I'm entertaining myself by watching what might have been the least exciting hockey game ever(Red Wings-Sharks). Now I decide that I have fifty bucks in my pocket, and in order for me to start enjoying myself, I should probably start getting hammered.

So as I'm trying to hang out with this entire major, The Bff starts making out with a guy who, I can only refer to as, King Tool. And then, three minutes later, what does King Tool do? Make out with another girl in the major. Does it make me a bad best friend if I just pointed to The Bff and laughed?

So anyway, me and CWG are doing shots because I'm trying to get drunk and I have money from selling back my textbooks. So every other major is walking into the bar on their own barcrawls, wearing their own matching shirts, and I'm just standing there, not actually a was a sad feeling.

Then King Tool convinces The Bff and I to come to the next bar, and as we're waiting outside, I spot Dino and feel obligated to say hello. As Dino is giving me a hello hug, I realize that the girl standing next to her is Tall, and Tall, now apparently knowledgeable that I banged her entire house, just screams at me, "Mikee you're not fucking any of us tonight!" So I reply by saying something along the lines of "Fuck you Tall! How'd you do on the poly sci final?"

Then we wind up in awesome pub where half the rugby team, and the entire girls rugby team, is out for drinks and I blend right in, having, again, to retell my story of getting expelled to all of them, and the drinks start piling up, and now everything gets a little hazy.

So The Bff and I, and her friend, Actor, end up at Club Bar 2: Club Bar on Steroids. Sure enough, once we arrive, I run into Tubbytits who grabs onto my neck and thinks I can hold her entire weight. Tubbytits is there with her friend, Jersey Girl, who is a very hot girl but, as Ben pointed out, her Jersey roots stand out a little too much sometimes.

Now I'm drunk, and Jersey girl is looking good, so I'm just standing there with my arm around her telling her about how I got kicked out of school. After a while, we exchange numbers, and I guess I must have gave her my phone to put her number into. Then she grabbed my hand and led me to the bathroom to "wait" for her to pee. So as I was standing there, I guess I forgot I was waiting for her, and I went into the men's room. Now the thing about the men's room in CB2:CBOS is that it violates every men's room policy ever enacted. See, in this bar, there is only one urinal, so every guy who has to wait to pee engages in conversations with each other that usually start out with something along the lines of "so how 'bout this line, huh?"

Anyway, the next guy in line to piss is a townie who creepily hangs out at the local bars. I call him 300 guy because he looks like Xerses from 300, and he steps up to the urinal just as the room goes quiet. Now the room is quiet for about two minutes, then all of a sudden, we hear him start to piss and everyone laughs at the guy. Just as we are laughing, King Tool walks into the bathroom, sees the line, and says what may be the single funniest tool-line I've ever heard:

"Fucking line, Brosephs? Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight."

So then its my turn to piss and I place my Bud light bottle on the top of the urinal, but mid piss, the bottle starts to slide off, so I use my cat-like reflexes to snatch it before it falls. This prompts comments from the line all praising my ability to keep my beer from falling.

So I leave the bathroom feeling very accomplished and I go to the bar to get a new beer. As I'm waiting, holding my money out, a bartender places this pink-ass Easter Bunny drink in front of me and walks away. Well I'm not stupid, so I look both ways and I grab the Easter Bunny drink. Now I recall the drink tasting like butterscotch, I had no clue what was in it, but it had to be the most feminine drink I've ever had in my life. Tubbytits even asked me where I got it and I told her some girl bought it for lie.

So Bff, Actor, and I go back to Awesome bar and me and Actor kinda bond because apparently he is also a Jets fan and we must have talked about football for about twenty minutes. He was a good guy. Then CWG comes up to me and asks why I didn't reply to her text, so I checked my pocket only to realize that I did not have my fucking phone. Now I'm drunk, so I am not worried whatsoever, and now I'm drinking with my rugby buddies saying "I lost my phone!"

Some time passes, and CWG disappears, and Hn1 and Bigirl meet up with us, I think I even had them calling my phone repeatedly to see if we could find it, not like that would ever work. I then tell Bff about King Tool's entrance to the bathroom and Hn1 asks what his name is, Bff tells her and, well shit, its Hn1's ex boyfriend. Am I surprised? Hell no, Hn1 is a total took magnet.

So anyway, with CWG gone, I look around the bar and spot Dino sitting by herself nursing some, ironically, pink drink. I took a seat beside her and we started reminiscing about how we used to hook up before she gained 40 lbs...I give her some credit, it took a year but she did lose half of it. I think I even went so far as to tell her that her nickname is Dino, and justify it, "hey Dino is cute, okay?"

...Then I started making out with Dino.

Then some guy, who apparently knew me, bought us each Swift Kicks. I asked him how he knew me and he said he was the guy behind me in the bathroom when I caught my beer without spilling it.

Then I remember talking with Actor about how bad Smelly smells, seeing how they knew each other. We must have spent twenty minutes trying to describe the smell.

So Dino and I walk outside and continue making out, and I tell her that I just cleaned my room and Smelly is gone, if she wants to come over, but just as these words leave my lips, she throws up all over the sidewalk. Now that is my cue to go back inside and forget any of this ever happened.

Then I realize that, fuck, my phone is still missing. Some how, I urge Bff back to CB2:CBOS to look for my phone, because I guess I figured we could find it. Now CB2 has become a club at this point, and I am way too white to be there. Being so white, I think I stood out enough to gauge Tubbytit's attention again and here she is hanging on me as if I was gonna bring her back to my nice, clean room. So we leave again and, its almost 2am, and Bff is trying to figure out how we were getting home. So we started walking.

Of course, I have to get intercepted by Dino and Tall as we walk, Dino telling me to stop calling her and hanging up. I told her I lost my phone and she refused to believe me until my phone actually called her again and I answered it.

"Mikee, where the fuck did you go? I told you to wait for me outside of the bathroom!"
Then it all clicked...Jersey Girl has my phone! She told me to meet her at Cb2 to get it back, but that, of course, meant dealing with Tubbytits again, so I told her, using Dino's phone to talk to her on my phone, "hey, my roommate moved out and I got a whole apartment to myself, wanna come over?"

...Of course she didn't come over, but I mean, it was worth the try. Long story short, I got my phone, dodged Tubbytits successfully, went home and passed out in Bff's bed. Today, I have no fucking idea where my car is, I stole a whole chicken out of Bff's refrigerator which is in my oven now...I actually just made her come up and check on it, and there are five texts on my phone from CWG asking where I went, why I wasn't with her, and who that girl was I was making out with. Oops?