Thursday, May 6, 2010

The Morning After

Well the task has been done and if I might just say, it was a tremendous effort on my half, and I was even starting to get worried, I mean, getting cockblocked by Lost is pretty pathetic on my part, but when I woke up this morning in CWG's bed, I realized that it was all worth it. I've noticed though that I have a tendency to disappear once the sun rises, if I'm sleeping in someone else's bed and know my way home, mostly because I like brushing my teeth/having coffee/sleeping in my own bed, so at 5:30 am I walked home.

On my way home I texted Ben:

"Its official...We are wiener cousins!"

Once I arrived back at my apartment, I realized that there is a large, gaping hole in the ass of my my favorite pair of shorts. Don't ask me how that happened, but I decide to change them and head over to Wawa for some breakfast. Now the Wawa closest to the school was crowded beyond like hell, seeing how it was 7:40am and everyone who had 8am finals and wanted coffee to cancel out their cinquo de mayos, so I drove the mile and a half to the distant Wawa in East Bumblefuck, PA.

The only odd part of this Wawa was the locals. While I was pouring my coffee, some lady next to me kept narrating her life: "Okay I need hazelnut, hazelnut or french vanilla? Or hazelnut flavoring? Oh dome lids!" So naturally I ignored her and got on the obscenely long line of townies buying their coffee/breakfast. Then, the creepiest part of the Townie Wawa was the cashier lady who repeated the same phrase to every single costumer she saw: "Have a peachy day!" ...Peachy? Really lady? Peachy? She must have said 'Peachy' about 47 times while I was in the store. It has to hold the record for most I've ever heard the word 'peachy' said in a five minute interval.

So I get back to my apartment at about 8am, just in time for my appointment with the landlady concerning the screen that miraculously blew off the window sending a perfectly placed roll of toilet paper and about a gallon of Mikee's piss five stories down into the parking lot. I start downstairs to her place but not before having an idea...I changed my pants back.

Now our landlady last year was a smoking hot grad student, this year she's a 40-something disgusting fatbody. So I walk in and immediately tell her about the magical wind...she then has me write a report stating exactly what I saw. I said something like:

"I returned home at 2am on Tuesday night to find the screen mangled and barely hanging on the window. There was a heavy cross-breeze traveling from my bedroom window, through the propped open bedroom door, up the hallway, and out the living room window which I have deduced caused the gust of wind that broke the screen. We had a few items on the windowsill that were now scattered on the floor in the living room and outside of the window. Amongst these items was a roll of toilet paper which landed in the parking lot, uncoiling all the way down."
I wanted to make a statement saying "Scott toilet lasts five stories!" but figured that was in bad taste. I did mutter that it was one of our last rolls, and, jokingly, said it was amazing that the roll managed to travel from our window, down the small roof, past the four windows beneath us, and onto the pavement where it continued uncoiling, but she didn't find it as funny as I did.

So as I go to leave, I recall the rip in the ass of my shorts and, even though I had no audience, tossed my key on the floor "by accident," and bent over to pick it up, mooning my landlady. She did look appalled and I got satisfaction out of it, but whatever, I can now say I mooned my landlady.

Is it weird that she is the second land-person I have mooned in the last month?