Saturday, May 1, 2010

Old story: Overflowing the Wrong Toilet

Here is a story from the Fall 2009 semester.

So it is a Saturday night in October, I want to say, and we get ready to head out to the bar. Now, this is before I banged any hot neighbors, before Smelly was my roommate, and before Bigirl turned 21, so it is just The Bff, myself, and Hank.

So Hank drove home earlier in the day for court, he had just gotten his third dui and had to meet with his lawyer...he had another meeting with his lawyer the following morning, but decided to get drunk anyway for the night between. So he comes strait from home ready to drive me and the Bff to the bar, and when we go outside to his pickup truck, I find that he has a lawnmower in the bed. I ask "Hank, why do you have a lawnmower in the bed of your truck?" He replies:

"I found it on the sidewalk, some gardeners left it out beside their truck."
"So why do you have it?"
"Oh, because I'm gonna take it home and sell it."

So there's three of us driving to the bar with a lawnmower in the back and for a moment, I feel so deliciously white trash that I love America passionately. Even so, when we arrive at the bar, there is a group of black people standing outside who proceed to comment on the lawnmower...Hank even engages them in conversation about where he found it and how much he will get for selling it.

So then we all go to the bar and start to get drunk and in time, it gets to be almost two am, and the bar is closing, and Hank says goodbye and drives back home, lawnmower and all. So that leaves me and The Bff, without a ride home...that is, until she assures me that her friend will come pick us up.

Now I was informed this was a friend of hers...not a booty call of next thing I know, its 3am and we're arriving at this house about three miles from the apartment. The kid who drove us there, and lived there, was an amateur rapper who went by the name Aquaman...he was a very nice kid, but it slowly crept into my mind that he, every day of his life, dressed like Aquaman.

So he leads us up to his room where I take a seat on a random chair and the Bff sits on his bed, before he disappears for a moment. Now sitting here, something catches my eye and that is the three foot tall bong sitting in the center of his bedroom floor. I am eyeing this thing just as he walks in and sees me looking at it: "Oh shit, Mikee, you smoke?"

Now here is my view on weed, I will smoke if it is free...otherwise, I'd feel awfully stupid paying money to cough my left lung out and fall asleep. Well, Aquaman sells weed, so Aquaman smokes up the best friends of his booty call's for free.

Now Aquaman and I smoke out of this three foot bong and The Bff insists we put Family Guy on the television. The catch is, Aquaman lost the remove to his dvd player, so we cannot do anything but press play, and pressing play simply plays the first episode on the dvd and that is it.

So we're watching this same episode of Family Guy for the second or third time and Aquaman starts talking about rapping, and at this point I am way too high to object to anything, so he mutes the tv so he can freestyle. Also, me being the closest one to the tv, it is my job to press the play button again after the episode of Family Guy ends, and once it does, I silently restart the episode.

So now here is my situation, the sun is rising and I am high as fuck listening to a rapper named Aquaman freestyle while watching the same episode of Family Guy for the fourth time on mute.

Suddenly, I have to take a piss. I ask Aquaman where his bathroom is and he tells me, and I think he even said something about not flushing but I was too high to remember. So I get to the bathroom and I look into the toilet, there is no water, there is simply a mess of shit and garbage piled up in the bottom of the bowl, and I am aiming my piss at all of it. Now, I remember having the mental thought that I probably shouldn't flush when I was finished, but I learned something that night, flushing the toilet after I piss is a natural instinct of mine.

So here I am in the bathroom of this house located three miles from my apartment, watching this toilet overflow. Add to this that it is officially morning and I am the third wheel on this booty call. Also, Aquaman has just smoked me up on very good weed, and how did I thank him? I made his toilet overflow.

So I look around the room for a second and look out the window at the main road on which his house is located. I do a few quick calculations in my head and decide I cannot face Aquaman after basically destroying his bathroom, so I climb out the window and walk home.