Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Florida Part Two: Why You Shouldn't Pee on Hotdog Venders

So I wake up on Joey's couch at about 2pm to my phone ringing. To my surprise, I am getting a call from Shorty who tells me that she, too, is in Florida! She goes on to say that she is down there with her boyfriend and his family...keep in mind, this is the same boyfriend that she cheated on when we hooked up last month...so that makes 3 fuckable girls in Florida with boyfriends.

Its okay though because Shorty is free all day/night because her boyfriend is going to his cousin's play or whatnot with his family and she somehow got out of it. So I tell Babyface and Joey and we decide to hold a little get-together at the house to pregame for the bars that night. Joey invites all his employees and Babyface, having only moved down to Florida in March, just kinda hangs out there, and I attempt to give Shorty directions to Joey's condo.

So these are Joey's co-workers:
1. AHWTF-a big fat ugly girl with hairy ass arms
2. Militia girl-a tan spanish girl in army fatigues
3. Iraq-A girl whose boyfriend was in Iraq, and she couldn't stop talking about him
4. Jewish Turtle-Essentially, Turtle from Entourage if he was Jewish.
5. Lanky-Jewish Turtle's "crazy" cousin

So we start to play beerpong again and Babyface and I are dominating, so I have barely said a word to all these other people. Then I walk over and take a seat by them while they start talking about me...apparently, they all thought I was "cute in the face."

So Shorty arrives in her boyfriend's grandma's rangerover and Joey, Babyface, Jewish Turtle, Lanky, and I pile in to go to the bars. Before this, all the other girls say goodbye, and I am forced to give AHWTF a kiss on the cheek, thus making me want to brush my teeth. Then we leave and well, we don't exactly go to the bars, we go to this outdoor concourse that basically looked like the concession stands in Citi Park, but it was really nice and had bar after bar after bar.

So we went to one of the bars and started drinking beer by the bucket, literally they sold buckets of beer. So obviously, I get drunk.

Now the outside area is full of little concession stands, a few cotton candy stands, a few hotdog stands etc. And we are basically barhopping in this large ass cobblestone pathway of bars. Well, eventually, its time for me to take a piss.

Now to justify my actions here, public urination is soooooo normal in New York. Plus, its not like there was a roof above us, we were outside, I don't care what kind of establishment it was. Well, anyway, I find a nice little conceded corner, between the wall and a hotdog cart, and I start to pee. After a few seconds, I hear,

"What are you doing?!"

I think I answered with something like, "its okay, don't worry."

"No, are you relieving yourself?"

At this point, I realize this is the operator of the cart, and I zip up and start to walk away. I get about twenty feet away when a guy runs up to me and yells

"Did you just take a piss on that hotdog cart?"

I, of course, said No, but suddenly, I have masses of people running up to me trying to detain me, including security officers.

Now this is a little hazy, but out of nowhere, Shorty jumps in and starts passionately defending me, saying I'm from New York and I don't know any better, blah blah blah...apparently, she even cleans my piss off the hotdog cart for me. Well, I got away, it was phenomenal.

So we went back to Joey's and its time for Shorty to go back to her boyfriend's, but not before we "go for a little walk."

So I thank Shorty for saving me from getting arrested, because apparently in Florida, public urination is an arrestable offense, and I maybe tell her how awesome it was that she defended me.

So Shorty is cheating on her boyfriend with me again, and I'm frantically trying to get her to blow me right here, in the open parking lot of a condominium complex where angry old jewish people watch you like vultures with the phone in their hand and security on speed dial. Well, once a security car drove by us, this all occurred to me and I work on trying to convince her to blow me by the pool, but this doesn't work and we say goodbye.

All in all, day two of Florida involved me almost getting arrested for peeing on a hotdog cart and then deciding that Shorty is a keeper because she cheated on her boyfriend for me twice, saved me from getting arrested, and, AND, cleaned my piss off said hotdog cart. Awesome.

...Believe it or not, this trip gets better in Part 3