Sunday, May 1, 2011

The Most Epic Battle Between Pirates and Ninjas Ever

So I kinda rushed Friday's post because this one is EPIC.

Beard and I started drinking on Saturday at about 2 and we went to this party with our tiny puppy. Greg was also at this party and he brought his giant pitbull with him and, for the record, Greg's giant pitbull would murder our little puppy in a second. So at one point Jegabomb's ex girlfriend is there and she is holding the leash for Greg's pitbull and I'm holding my tiny ass doggy on his leash and letting the two dogs grawl at each other from a distance, so this dumb bitch decides to let go of the pitbull's leash. Now I have a pitbull coming after our little puppy and I, single handedly, wrestled this pitbull away and arose from the backyard with my puppy in my arms while holding a pitbull by the collar with my other hand...stupid bitch. Unfortionately, all my heroics were not seen by anybody as, at this precise moment, Beard had been climbing a tree and fell out of it.

Anyway I get a text from Cheeks telling me to come over and hang out so Beard and I drop the puppy off at home and head over there. We get to Tall's house where Cheeks and Ground are hanging out, along with Bigirl and a few other girls plus like 2 other dudes. Now the second I walk in, I'm the shit and, not to boast, but I really brought life to that party.

Anyway, we walked to the bars and we head over to CBOS where I lock eyes with some random girl and then start talking to her. Her name was Kaitlin and she was decent looking, but she was with her friend, this fat ugly bitch. Me and Kaitlin must have been talking four about 15 minutes when she introduced me to her friend:

Kaitlin: (pointing to fat ugly bitch) This is my friend, Sinja
Me: Ninja?
Kaitlin: No! Sinja! But Ninjas are awesome
Me: ...Ninjas suck! Pirates are awesome!
Kaitlin: Pirates suck!
Me: Pirates do nothing but rape and pillage! Ninjas don't even have free will, they are not even allowed to enjoy their lives! Plus ninjas are pointless! They're like the fake enemy you have to face before you get to the real enemy!
Kaitlin: ...We have to go

So Kaitlin and Sinja walk away and I find Beard and we head over to another bar where we hang out for a little bit, but not before Beard is suddenly approached by a cougar(remember, Beard loves cougars) and he decides to go home with her, leaving me by myself.

So here is Drunkmikee parusing the bars and looking for pussy and, in the process, I head back to CBOS where I literally scour the bar for any girl I can find. I spot Kaitlin again and say something to her and she kinda shoves me off so then closing time occurs and I leave.

Now, there is a metal bench in front of CBOS and I walked out to spot Kaitlin and Sinja sitting on this bench, so I took a seat beside Kaitlin and tried to pick up our conversation from earlier, only to get this responce:

"What the fuck is wrong with you? You insulted me and my friend and you think you can just sit down beside me and act like you did nothing wrong?"

Needless to say, I'm kinda surprised to hear this...I mean, I "Insulted" them? saying ninjas suck "insulted" them? ...I criticized something that RHYMED with her friend's last name and that's an insult? Jeeze, its like I called them cunts or something.

So as if I wasn't already feeling like Lord Petrie, I get approached by three of their guy friends(all black) who clearly didn't realize I'm from New York. One of them says something, trying to pretend he's ghetto and tries to push me, so I push him away and then black guy number two comes up and punches me in the seriously, ghetto boy, who the fuck throws a fight's first punch as a shot to the stomach? Well now its a fight, so I pick up black guy number two and just kinda throw him in the direction of the bench, and he falls into the bench and tumbles over it in, what may have been, the funniest fashion ever. Here he was, upside down on this bench with his stupid fucking nike dunks sticking up in the air, and all I could think about is how funny he looks. Regardless, I looked back at his two friends who are just staring at their fallen comrade in shock, clearly either not willing to continue fighting or not having ever been willing to actually have an altercation, and I decide its best to walk away, and I do, in the direciton of the cops. As I left, I quipped something like, "I dare you to follow me," and nobody did. And I got home without the cops saying or doing anything to me.

So I walked home all by myself feeling like the man again. Beard came back from his cougar's house and I told him all about my night, to which he realized that the two most awesome things I did were witnessed by absolutely no one. Then I got a text from a random number I didn't know and I asked whose number it was. We sent a few texts back and fourth and established that we were both in CBOS last night. Finally I asked, "What's your name?" ...she responds, "Kaitlin." ...I simply answered, "Lol," and that was the end.