Saturday, January 1, 2011

A Mikee Kinda New Year

Goodbye 2010, you were the greatest year of my life, hands down...beating out 2005 narrowly. I have also nominated myself for 2010's biggest douche in the Universe award, and I think I have a good chance of winning it.

So anyway, I brought in 2010 in my basement with my parents and uncles, also joined by Kyle, Joey, Joey's girlfriend, and her cute Russian was a cheap alternative to Tool Center and seeing the absurd douchebags I went to highschool with. I was not above bringing in 2011 the same way until I learned that Joey would be heading back to Miami before New Years, making this the first new years we didn't spend together(aww). I already knew Kyle wasn't into the bars, and wasn't about to spend it with just him and my family, so I talked to Andrew about plans.

Andrew and I settled on buying tickets to a bar that's about a half hour away, but easily accessible by train, and informed everyone else about these plans...The tickets were only 25 bucks and it was an open bar until midnight...which is actually an absurdly good deal in New York as it would usually cost about twenty to get in and then five bucks per beer from there.

So New Years Eve came and I drank briefly with my uncles in my basement until walking to Andrew's house...if I may add, I have not cut my hair since October, which all my NY friends who aren't Kyle and Joey have given me shit for as if you are a New Yorker, it is required to get your hair cut roughly twice a week. I've gotten by wearing hats in Pennsylvania but I already knew a hat probably wasn't gonna fly at this bar, so I went without, looking like a rugged manly surfer dude.

At Andrew's house we met up with Longarms, Stout, and Brittany....Brittany, for the record, and largely because of me, is now hooking up with Andrew(Andrew finally broke up with his ugly ginger girlfriend....her and Brittany used to be best friends...I really do love Andrew's doucheiness). After a little while, we took a taxi to the train station and bought our tickets to the town where the bar is.

So this is the train station, there are two platforms, one side of each takes you to Manhattan and the other side takes you out on Long Island. Because of the blizzard last week, there are no specifics offered regarding the train schedules currently, so we weren't entirely sure which of the platforms we belonged on. We had also arrived roughly 45 minutes early, and all I had brought with me was my long sleeved button down while everyone else had jackets and were constantly questioning how I wasn't cold. There were also a few other people on the platform, one being a random girl trying to get to Manhattan, who, upon seeing me, asked if I was Guatemalan...Like a douche, I, of course, said yes and she started telling me about her visit to what I just lied about being my home country. This lasted until Andrew, who had been standing with me the whole time, finally told her I was a lying douchebag and she promptly left.

So then anther group comes up onto the platform. In this group were Sprick, Pronk, Jegabombs, Bitter, and a few other people including Pronk's two sisters(twins) and their friend Jill, all of which we went to highschool with. They were all heading to the same place as us so we uniformly waited for the train together...that is until we saw a train go rumbling by the other platform, stopping for a second to pick up people, and then leaving in the direction we were going. About two minutes later it occurred to us that this was our train.

Now we are all standing around beneath the platforms trying to figure out what the fuck to do and how we're getting to the bar, as the next train wasn't set to come for an hour or so. Some time during this I had to pee badly and, seeing how there were a shit ton of cops around, I got an idea. I jumped into one of the elevators that takes you from beneath the platforms to the platform, rode it half way up, pulled the emergency break, and had my own private bathroom in the sky. When I finished I pushed in the emergency break only to find that the elevator wasn't going anywhere...this could have been really bad as I would be stuck in an elevator on new years eve with my own piss, slowly rolling towards my new sneakers...but thankfully it fixed itself and I was able to rejoin everyone else.

Then we saw a short bus pull up to the train station and drop a couple of people was one of those buses that works for a hotel and usually takes people to and from the airport. Sprick got an idea and ran up to the driver to ask him a favor...he even took Jill with him and when the two of them returned we were informed that if we each give in ten bucks, we had a ride. Needless to say we all did, and we piled into this tiny ass bus, Sprick, Bitter, Jill, and I sharing the trunk...Jill essentially laying on the floor beneath us. After the half hour ride to the bar, we pulled up in a short bus. Thankfully we all has tickets so we didn't have to wait on line, and were able to walk right in. Then I started heavily taking part in the open bar.

At one point I went up to the bar and befriended a British guy named Eric. He introduced me to his entourage of girls, one was Persian looking I believe, and I told her, drunkenly, that I was a famous stand up comic with a show next week that will be aired on television(drunk mikee lie). She believed every line of this bullshit and gave me her number, insisting I both get her good seats and reference her in my act, both of which I promised to do.

Then after a lot more beverages, the big ball dropped and everyone celebrated and we all got free Jagerbombs...that is not a lie. So now drunk and horny Mikee sets in and I'm walking around to complete strangers saying "happy new year," and going in for a kiss I either did or didn't get. I found one girl by the bar who was somewhat cute so we started talking. She asked me my age and I told her and then she responded by saying, "Wow you're a youngster." ...Turns out she was 32 years old, but it didn't deter me from buying her a shot anyway. Then DrunkMikee accidentally knocks his shot over onto the 32 year old, which prompts her shaved head friend(they were just friends, she assured me) to get into my face and try to start a fight with me. I was calmly avoiding him, drinking 32's shot in the process, all while 32 was trying to get him to calm down. Behind him, I noticed the bouncers ganging around us ready to kick us both out, and I think I lost my cool for a moment and said something threatening back to him, I don't entirely recall, but after 32 said something else, he apologized and bought me a shot, which prompted the bouncers to back off.

So 32 and I kept talking and we made out a little bit but then they both had to leave, so we kissed one more time, maybe exchanged numbers(I don't recall her name but I think I found a number that wasn't in my phone the previous night) and they left.

Then I saw the bouncers congregated in a corner so I approached to see what was going on. There was a highly intoxicated man passed out on the bar and, as I got closer to him, I realized this was my new British friend. I told the bouncers I knew him and I'd try to wake him up, so I did...but I'm pretty sure Eric was dead and after a few moments of no response from him, I merely left and let the bouncers take care of it.

Then Andrew and Brittany came up to me and assured me that our train was leaving, except DrunkMikee didn't wanna leave, so I stayed alone in the bar.

Its at about this point that I spotted Cashier.

Tangent time about Cashier:

Cashier went to high school with us but she was always quiet and didn't socialize too much. When we were seniors, we worked in the same food store where we became pretty close and actually started to talk a lot(her job in the food store was....Cashier!). After Andrew and I got fired, and Monotone eventually quit, Cashier remained working in the foodstore and she still works there. In recent years, she's pretty much become Ke$ha's persona in the song "Tick Tock," meaning that all she does is get drunk and party, which is pretty cool. She's not a bad looking girl, in my opinion, she is very typical Long Island however.

Also something else about Cashier is that she has an abundance of female friends who I've only met through her. Some of them are cute, and there was one I was trying to get her to hook me up with about two years ago named Susan. Lat night, however, marked the first time I was seeing Cashier in roughly two years.

So I spotted Cashier and we caught up briefly. We did some shots and I even made out with another girl, no clue who she was but I saw her hanging with the group a little bit, so I figure it was one of her friends. Then we started talking about how we would be getting home, so I said I could call my parents and I did...completely forgetting that we aren't in Tool Center, which is roughly 15 minutes away, but instead that we are in a completely different town that's a good 45 minute ride on New Years.

So now we're waiting for my parents to come pick us up and I get the drunk courage to tell Cashier that I always had a crush on her friend Susan. Cashier replies by pointing to one of the girls she was with and saying, "That Susan?" ...Turns out Susan had been in her group of girls the whole time and I totally didn't' recognize her, or say much to her at all for that matter, but Cashier was animate about us actually talking more some day so I'm optimistic.

So my parents finally arrive to drive us home and I walk up to the car with like 8 girls who all need rides home. Oh and one had her boyfriend with her...a kid with a mohawk and a cane who, as there weren't enough seats, shared a seat with me. Happy new year, I'm in my parents minivan sharing a seat with a kid who has a mohawk and a cane, and there are eight girls with us. Then I went home, ate a shit ton of food and passed out...Great way to bring in 2011.

PS...Cashier is very animite about my joining her and Susan tonight in Tool Center...I'm not going because I'm broke and like self cock-blocking.