Thursday, April 29, 2010

Orca's Birthday...Already Off to a Great Start!

Okay so today is Orca's birthday and Smelly has decided that they will spend it here, with me, while I bitterly sit at my laptop gorging the free alcohol they give me.

Now when I got back this morning, I decided to make myself some coffee. Working to my advantage is the fact that Smelly has decided to clean for the first time all semester, this includes doing the numerous dishes he has let pile up in the sink. In our defense, there comes a point every spring semester, while living in this apartment complex, where the dishes get so piled up that no one even wants to touch them, much less clean them.

So anyway, I find a coffee cup and I fill it with coffee and I take a sip and, mother fucker, all I taste is dish soap. Then it occurs to me, I probably shouldn't have trusted the task of cleaning the dishes to someone who can't even clean themselves properly.

So Smelly and Orca have decided to take a shower together...the only time I see him shower...and how they fit in our minuscule bathroom, much less in the shower stall, is beyond me. I can only imagine the chaffing caused by the metal shower doors pressing into Orca's sides...okay, I grossed myself out.

So anyway I was sitting here in the room when Orca comes running in holding all of Smelly's clothes and both of their towels and yelling,

"HAHA I took his clothes and the towels, now he'll have to walk back naked!"

I mean, I used to wrestle, and we used to have to weigh in before matches in nothing but underwear, and if you were still overweight, you would have to remove your underwear, cup your balls, and step on the scale with pride. So, needless to say, I'm prepared to see the worst.

Then Smelly comes marching into the room holding my fucking hand towel over his dick, and the only thing I could say is "You're washing that."

Now this sucks on a-whole-nother level. See, that is my hand towel, I have brought this hand towel from home so that we would continue not needing paper towels in this apartment. I have reduced the need for paper towels in the kitchen by stealing napkins from the cafeteria every time I go, but as for the bathroom, I think all we needed was a hand towel.

Well now my hand towel has smelly Orca spit covered penis all over it, so happy birthday Orca, here is a hand towel.