Friday, April 23, 2010

Me and Lord Byron

Okay, I'm writing this post to establish my character better. I am/was an English major and I love, as gay as this sounds, learning about famous writers/texts. The catch is, by this point in my [mis]education, Romanticism is becoming so painfully boring that I can't wait to be done with British Literature in general.

That was, until I was given the assignment earlier this semester to do a presentation on Lord Byron.

Now all you really have to do is read anything Byron ever wrote to realize that he is the founding father of being an asshole through writing. Essentially, Tucker Max would be a 21st century Lord Byron if he ripped on other writers more.

And why else do I like Lord Byron? Because the guy got laid basically once a minute. It seems to me that he came a long way from being molested by his nurse at the age of ten, and once he grew up, he could not get a boner unless there was impending awkwardness.

That being said, Byron led a very scandalous life when he was young. See, Byron had an affair with this one married woman, and then dumped her in favor for her cousin. Was this shocking for me to hear? Yes.

See, when I was a senior in highschool I was going out with this girl who, in retrospect, was and still is psychologically fucked up beyond repair. I only worsened her psychological problems when, the summer after we broke up, I started dating her cousin, yes her cousin. Now this made for more than just an awkward Thanksgiving, I went out with cousin number two for three years, yes three years...this is probably why I'm such a manwhore now.

Oh but the parallel gets better.

Lord Byron was fairly close with fellow Romantic Poet Percy Shelley, you may know him as the wife of Mary Shelley, the bitch who wrote Frankenstein. Well Byron and the Shelleys went off to a cottage for a weekend to get drunk and discuss nature, I guess, and, to Byron's joy, Mary brought her younger sister along. ...nine months later, Byron's paying alimony for impregnating a sixteen year old.

Now I never banged a sixteen year old...but I did bang my roomie's girlfriend's sister. Okay, it was a Saturday night and two of my roommates were pledging for a frat and that frat had a huge party that night. Needless to say, my roomie's girlfriend got plastered and had her sister take her back to the apartment so she could throw up/pass out.

I was arriving back at the apartment at about the same time and, this was before I banged either hot neighbor, so I ditched the neighbors so I could talk to RGS(roomie's girlfriend's sister), plus, with me being the only single roommate in the apartment, and her just coming out of a six year relationship, she needed a good fucking.

Oh and don't forget I play rugby, and at this time, I had separated my right shoulder so my right arm was in a sling. Also don't forget that we have one piece of furniture in our living room and that is a shitty Salvation Army bought recliner. So I come in and I'm playing Call of Duty and she is out there hanging out with me. And then I remember trying to tie a bracelet to her hand for some reason, and this somehow led to a handjob. But, before I could even get hard, my apartment door swings open to reveal HN2 and, what is the first thing she does, cockblocks me. HN2 plops her ass right on my lap and introduces herself to RGS and I'm just thankful I was not hard yet because that would have made for an awkward moment.

So HN2 leaves and me and RGS make out a little and then I retire to the recliner to play more Call of Duty where, unknown to me, she was intending on sleeping that night. So what does this bitch do? She plops her ass right on my lap while I'm playing and falls asleep. Well about an hour passes, and I fall asleep too, hoping I don't get the cuddle morning wood.

About two hours later I wake up, possibly less comfortable than I'd ever been in my life. Making this situation worse is the fact that RGS has passed out putting all of her weight on my left arm. Now keeping in mind my right arm is in a sling, my left arm was now completely numb. So this means I did not have arms. Now I'm sitting in this shitty recliner trying to kick this girl off me so I could regain feeling in my good arm, and finally I wake her up and suggest she sleep in my bed. Well, you don't just share a bed with someone you gave a hand job to...

Okay so not only did both Lord Byron and myself bang two cousins, but we also banged the sister of our buddy's girlfriends. Where does this mean my sex life will go from here, if our sex lives really parallel each other? Well I need to meet an Italian girl in Venice who will become so obsessed with me that when I leave her, she'll throw herself into a canal and drown. Just a heads up, unless you're down with suicide, if you ever plan on going to Venice, stay away from me.