Here is a story from the vault that I may have to consider one of my favorites from my entire collegiate experience.
Now this takes place in the Spring Semester of 2009 when our apartment did not have an RA and I was living with six other guys, in a five person apartment, and we basically never stopped drinking. If I may also point out, the Spring Semester of 2009, for me, was all about my cum getting accused of doing things. My cum was accused of clogging a toilet once, it was accused of getting in a girl's hair, it was accused of staining one girl's shirt, but by far, the best accusation was when my roommate accused me of cumming on his laptop.
Okay so there was this girl, lets call her Berries...this is a nickname my roommate, Ben, gave her for some odd reason, and somehow, it fits. So Berries calls me and has me meet her at the bar and I take two of my roommates with me, amongst them is the kid I shared a room with that semester who is basically George Costanza.
Okay, in order to establish George Costanza's character, here are some George Costanza quotes:
"I can't wait to lose my hair, one less thing I have to worry about."
"I don't drink mixed drinks from bars because they never clean the glasses properly."
"I'm buying my own cough syrup, I'd use yours but you were sick when you used it."
Top all this off with the fact that he was twice as neurotic as the actual George Costanza and we got a character.
Now George Costanza was not planning on staying out this night because it was a Thursday and he had student teaching in the morning, so after about a half hour at the bar, he drove back to the apartment, and I stayed out with my roommate, Ben, and Berries.
So we throw the drinks back and I ask Berries if I could go back to her place but I can't because her roommate has a guy over, so I drunkenly call George Costanza and ask if he minded sleeping in the living room. Some how, he agrees, and when we arrive, he begrudgingly leaves the room so I could get laid.
So Berries and I do our thing and I wake up at about 10am to the fire alarm going off. Now we always had fire alarms, but they meant nothing, we didn't even have to evacuate, they basically only existed so that the underclassmen could evacuate...but Berries didn't know this, so I convinced her she had to leave and made her do a walk of shame in front of all the underclassmen.
So anyway, I go to my classes and I come back and it is beautiful out and the other roommates and me are outside throwing a football around outside our window. Now, at this point, I still felt kinda guilty about kicking George Costanza out of the room when he had to get up the next morning, so I was expecting him to be a little pissed off when he got back. What I was not expecting is the exact reason why he was pissed.
So we were outside and George Costanza comes back and tells me to come inside for a second. I do this, expecting to hear about how he was late for student teaching or something, but instead he takes me into our room, lifts up the cover to his laptop, and points to a flaky white stain on the power button and says, "What the FUCK is this?"
Now I am speechless. I was in utter disbelief. Is my roommate really accusing me of cumming on his laptop? For the life of me, I couldn't get over how someone could ever produce such an accusation. Now I am terrible at holding the absurdity of this moment in, so I burst out laughing and go back outside, which I think only made me look guiltier.
Apparently, George Costanza then informed every other roommate about my miraculous aim, and every other roommate found this almost as laughable as I did. Our one roommate, Hank, who is strait up Pennsylvania white trash, but the funniest kid I've ever met, was the only other roommate to see the stain before it was cleaned up. Hank hypothesized that someone ate a rice-crispy treat and then turned on the computer...ironically, there was a rice-crispy treat wrapper on Hank's desk. So technically, I should have been pardoned of all wrong-doing because, I mean come on, there ain't no way my cum flew across the room and landed perfectly on the power button of my roommate's laptop, which was closed at the time. Don't get me wrong, my cum is capable of many things, but staining the power button of a closed laptop? Meh, I don't think so.
Now needless to say, George Costanza did not so much as talk to me at all the next week. In fact the rest of the semester was kinda awkward and, eventually it occurred to me that he really does think I came on his laptop.
So soon George Costanza graduated and I didn't see him for about a year, but earlier this semester he came back to visit. Now our roommate Ben, who is also my cocky buddy from "The Italian Girl" story, decided to get both of us together when George Costanza came back, and ask for the truth about the whole cumming on the laptop incident. Now its been over a year, and I assume George can realize that the whole thing is laughable now...but NOPE, this fucker is still convinced I came on his laptop. No matter how many times I explain that the laws of physics make such an incident impossible, he cannot be more sure that I not only came on his laptop, but that I did it intentionally. Now really, do I have to keep explaining how absurd this whole thing is. Again, the conversation about aiming one's ejaculations for their roommate's computers became so ridiculous that I could not help myself from laughing obnoxiously.
Till this very day, George Costanza is convinced I intentionally came on his laptop and there is nothing I can do to convince him otherwise. But whatever, it made for a good story.
