Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Sneaking Beer into the Library/Team Wiener Cousins

Allow me to preface this entry by saying that I HATE having a blog. There is no way to introduce having a blog into a conversation without sounding like a douchebag.

Anyway, so there is a girl in my creative writing class, lets call her Creative Writing Girl(CWG) and she may be the hottest girl I've ever seen in my life. How and why she is interested in me though is beyond my own capable explanation; I think she only likes me because she thinks I'm a good writer.

So we've been making plans to hang out and last night she told me to come keep her company at the library for a little bit while she wrote a research paper. Now just like every college, we have a big creepy library that you can disappear inside of and not find your way out for years, so I figure...I don't know...seclusion could lead to something...and I decide I will go visit her at the library. And as I'm getting ready to leave, an idea comes to me:

A big secluded library and a case of Keystones...think about it. You can take a backpack full of anything inside, its not like they'll check it, and the door alarms will only go off while you're leaving if you took a book with you. The only concern is getting rid of the empty cans, which I figure I can put right back into the backpack. But most importantly, even if I did get caught sneaking beer into the library, what would happen? Would I get expelled, again?

So I walk into the library with a backpack full of beer and find CWG sitting by herself at a table out in the frigin open. I try to hint to her that my backpack is full of alcohol...seeing how I'm not a student anymore, and she knows this, I would have no need to carry books. The catch is, I'm trying to hint this to her without the librarian at the counter right beside her fucking table hearing me say "HEY MY BACKPACK HAS TEN BEERS IN IT."

So finally she gets the hint and we move up to the nonfiction section, at a small secluded table beside the section of books written on James Joyce, and I brought two cups with me, they look like thermal coffee cups, and I pour us each a beer and, we've done it, we're drinking in the library. Now I'm wondering, is this a new low or an awesome accomplishment?

So we talk for a little but soon she gets back to writing her paper and I get bored playing with my phone, so i actually get up and grab a few books about James Joyce. So this is my evening, I am drinking in the library with a hot girl while she writes a research paper, and I read of critical essays on "Dubliners." Needless to say, this makes me want to go find Dubliners, but Dubliners is in the fiction section, so I must make the nauseating trek back downstairs, with my coffee cup full of beer, to find this book.

Twenty minutes later I return with Dubliners and Finnegan's Wake, for some reason, and I'm sitting at this table now reading Joyce. Then about an hour passes, and I realize we have not said a word to each other beyond her asking me for another beer. So she goes:

"You're like really getting into that book, huh?"

So I tell her that, when I was a student, Joyce was my favorite writer, and blah blah blah. Then I even go so far as to read her the last page of "The Dead," (best words ever written IMO) and I guess this sealed the deal because she's meeting me at the bar tonight. So remember guys, when in doubt, quote Joyce:

"Generous tears filled Gabriel's eyes. He had never felt like that himself towards any woman but he knew that such a feeling must be love. The tears gathered more thickly in his eyes and in the partial darkness he imagined he saw the form of a young man standing under a dripping tree. Other forms were near. His soul had approached that region where dwell the vast hosts of the dead. He was conscious of, but could not apprehend, their wayward and flickering existence. His own identity was fading out into a grey impalpable world: the solid world itself which these dead had one time reared and lived in was dissolving and dwindling."

So then I head back to my apartment where Hn2 greets me in my living room with a bottle of Captain. She then proceeds to tell me that her and Hn1 got into a huge fight and they are no longer friends, and Hn1 has deleted her from her facebook, and all this shit. So twenty minutes after hanging out and making a date with the hottest girl I've ever seen, here I am drinking Captain with my cockblock.

Now as we're sitting here, Ben texts me and asks if we are down to come hang out at his house, which I say yes to. So Bruce, who has come up to visit, picks up me and Hn2 and we head out to Ben's house to continue drinking. It is also about this moment when I realize that the sock on my right foot has a huge hole in it, which matches up almost perfectly to the healing cut on the sole of my foot. The reason behind the hole and the cut is because last time I passed out at Ben's house, he thought it would be funny to take a belt sander to my foot. So I make a mental note to myself not to pass out before everyone else again.

So we arrive and play some beerpong, and I tell Ben and Bruce about my drinking in the library with CWG. Then Ben asks what her real name is, and I tell her, and he replies by saying:

"Oh, I fucked her two years ago."

Now am I surprised? No. Am I mad? No. Am I worried now to have both of them together in a room? Yes. However, Ben is not someone who will intentionally steal a girl from me. We started playing beerpong together and he dubbed us "Team Wiener Cousins."

Team Wiener Cousins goes the distance and we win every game we play against Bruce and Hn2, and this whole time, Hn2 is bitching about her and Hn1 getting into a fight and all, and seriously, am I bad person if I am entirely indifferent to this?

So then we run out of beer, and Hn2 goes outside to have a cigarette. So I tell Bruce, who is meeting her for the first time, about how she is a total cockblock and everything, and in my somewhat drunken, angry state, I actually get mad at her for being such a cock block. Then Ben announces that he has class the following morning, and for a moment, I forget that it is actually a Wednesday night and people still have to go to class.

So Ben goes upstairs to his bed and Bruce grabs one of the three blankets in the living room and passes out on one of the three couches. I grab the other two blankets and start to fall asleep on another couch. Then Hn2 comes back in from her cigarette break to find that we are all passed out and runs over to wake me up.

"Mikee, get the fuck up, we're not sleeping here."

But I am drunk and half asleep so I somehow convince her that we are sleeping there. Then she asks me for a blanket, and I refuse to give her one because I'm pissed at her for some reason.

"You have two fucking blankets and you can't give me one?"

I'm not sure why, but I felt like I needed two blankets. I offered her a spot beside me on the couch, but after about two minutes she claimed it was too small of a couch for two people and she settled on the third couch. Without a blanket.

So I woke up at 8 this morning to her, royally pissed off. Yelling at me for not giving her a blanket when I had two, making her sleep there with no pillow, and not saying at the beginning of the night that I planned on passing out there.

Then we walked home together and she gave me a big hug and apologised saying that I'm the only one who cares about her anymore, in light of her and Hn1 getting into a fight.

...Is this a happy ending? I think so. Wtf, my stories aren't supposed to be inspirational.