Thursday, April 22, 2010

Thursday and Thursday night

So I had class this morning at eleven, but seeing how I am no longer a student, I did what any non-retarded person should do, and slept in. With that in mind, I got up at 11:30, made myself some coffee, and started this blog. I also decided it was time to tell the hot neighbors that I didn't actually go to school anymore, so I sent them both a text:
"Hey guess what, I'm not a student!"

Hot neighbor number two, after about twenty minutes of explanation, and countless texts back and fourth, finally decided we should discuss the matter over lunch, so the two of us went to the Food-stop on campus. Now this is something I still do not understand about my expulsion/suspension because in the beginning of the semester, I purchased a meal plan that would get charged along side my tuition. Seeing how I'm not a student, I am not paying tuition, and therefore am not paying for a meal plan, I shouldn't have a meal plan...but holy shit, I have a meal plan.

Now at the food-stop, there is a new rule that is being enforced heavily where you cannot bring a backpack inside, and we were standing in line waiting to pay for our food when we overheard the food-stop manager get into an argument with a girl over someone possibly stealing his laptop. I glanced back at the girl and found that she was in a certain sorority that should remain nameless, or at least I assumed this because of the sweater she was wearing, and so I told hot neighbor number two about my history with that sorority.

Okay, so my history with this sorority goes like this. Last year there was a girl I was hooking up with when we went on our apartment's barcrawl at the end of the semester. We had tailed her sorority so they would be leaving every bar once we arrived, and we had one drink and caught up to them at the next bar; it would look kinda fruity for the three of us to be traveling with all these hot slutty girls. But anyway, this girl's name is Dino, not because her parents named her after that big, purple dinosaur from the Flintstones, but because I always thought she looked like him; for the record, I never said this nickname to her face.

So anyway, summer came and Dino went back to her house somewhere in Southern Jersey and I went back to New York and we talked occasionally, and yes, I actually did like her. Then we got back to school and, how do I describe this, she must have gained 40 lbs. So needless to say, we stopped talking.

Then I told hot neighbor number two about my other experience with this sorority. This girl's name is "Bathroom Girl." Basically, she got this nickname because, one night me and my former roommate were at the bar and I was drunk and waiting in line for the bathroom at the same time she was, and then I black out for a little, but the next morning, I was in her bed with a used condom in the garbage. So we can only conclude that my pick up line had to be something along the lines of "so you waiting for the bathroom?"

This was all fine and good until I went to add her as a facebook friend(she was a beautiful girl). Also at this time, we had discussed plans to come to a Wing-night special that week. Well she did not answer my text about wing night, and she denied my friend request, so Fuck her, her nickname will always be "bathroom girl."

After having informed her about these two girls, Hot Neighbor number 2, who I will call HN2 from now on, started to bitch about her day and complain about her "long drive home," which she would partake in after our meal. At the same time, I had been invited by a girl in my Poly Sci class to go to her house and Day-drink, so I coerced HN2 to give me a ride to this girl's house before she left. And of course, upon dropping me off, she had to grab me, in front of everyone, and give me a big kiss and yell "BYE HUNNIE!" Just so that I couldn't get laid.

Anyway, the house I was at is owned by a girl in my class whose nickname is Georgia because, you guessed it, she is from Georgia. I was always a little iffy about Georgia, mostly because she was, apparently, married. She looks like a little 18 year old girl, barely legal, but she is actually 24 and someone's ex-wife, which is something that always creeped me out a little. Her friend is another character, I call her "Tall," because, you guessed it, she is 5'11. Now what makes my relationship with Tall even more interesting is that I banged her about a month ago. And what makes this more interesting is that I am only 5'8, so yes, I banged a girl who is three inches taller than me. Tall is also in the sorority I was talking about before.

But anyway, here I am getting drunk with two girls in my Poly Sci class one hour before we have to actually go to class. It was here that something occurred to me, and that was the fact that I play Rugby. Well, seeing how I'm not a student anymore, I wondered if going to practice was even necessary. I texted the team captain and told him about my predicament, the two of us initiated together so I usually talk to him about any thing when I have to miss practice or a game or something. Of course, I got no response.

So I have a drunk Georgia drive me back to my apartment where I grab my rugby stuff and run to the practice field. I tell the captain, in person, about my academic blunder and the Athletic Trainer overhears and makes me go home. That is right, if you are not a student, you are not ensured, and if I get injured during practice, even if I'm just standing and watching, the team gets royally boned. However, if I only kept my mouth shut, I could be out there playing in every game and no one would ever catch on.

Now by this point, Poly Sci has started, and I do not plan on going to this class sober, so I return to my room and start writing this blog again, and actually finish my first post. Right after I finish, the kid I share my room with, lets call him Smelly, and his fat girlfriend come busting in insisting I take shots with them. Now I am not someone who will deny free alcohol, no matter how little the supplier showers(seriously, he has never showered, hence the nickname "smelly"). So now I'm drunk and Poly Sci gets let out, and Georgia and Tall insist I meet them at the bar for more day drinking. Don't ask me how I drove to the bar to meet them.

So now here I am, outside of the bar drinking and eating from the buffet of greasy food, I am unshowered, wearing a stretched out t-shirt, need to shave, and basically, I just feel like a total slob. And so I drink a few beers, and I try to convince the table of girls that my apartment is haunted(which it is), and then I remember that I somehow mustered up the strength to drive to the bar and should probably try to sober up before driving back. I inform them and then Tall insists:

"You can shower at my house."

Now usually this would seem weird, but we went on a road trip the previous weekend to another school and I totally left my bag of toiletries in my car, seeing how they were extras of what I already had in my apartment, this includes a razor, shampoo, soap, body wash, etc. So I decide, instead of drunk driving back to my apartment, I'll shower at Tall's house and have hot neighbor number one pick me up so I could get changed...okay it made more sense when I was drunk.

So there I was outside of Tall's house staring at the four cars that were parked in her driveway and recalling how familiar one of them looked. The house itself was familiar too and I was fairly certain that I'd been there before, but I couldn't remember why.

...Then I walked inside and there were her roommates: Dino and Bathroom Girl. Now, there may be nothing more awkward than when you feel like a total drunken slob and walk into a house occupied by three girls you not only fucked, but gave nicknames to. Also coming to my head was the realization that, I'm sure, none of them even realize that I know the others, and for a second, I wanna challenge Bathroom Girl on our one-night stand, and ask "Hey why didn't you accept my friend request?" Then I want to be an asshole and ask Dino why she gained 40 lbs and find a picture somewhere of her when she was skinny and hot and hold it up for comparison. But I do none of these things because I am a respectable person, I simply say hello to the both of them and proceed into the shower. -Okay that is a lie, I asked Bathroom Girl why she never accepted my friend request and I told Dino that I liked her when she was hot, and then I jumped into the shower before either of them could answer.

Now this is a really shitty house, so there is virtually no insulation in the walls, and from the shower, with the shower head being this dripping dick of drizzles, basically the worst shower I've ever used, I could faintly hear the girls talking, most likely about me and my rash entrance. Suddenly, I feel like an asshole and, once I get out of the shower, I call HN1 to come get me.

"Why didn't you just shower back at the apartment?"

I don't fucking know, HN1, because I'm drunk and retarded and just wanted to shower, and oh yeah, I found out that I fucked a house full of girls.

Okay, tangent time about my hot neighbors. So like I said, I am in an "on campus," establishment, but its more like an off-campus apartment which can only be occupied by students(its funny I still live there because, well, I'm not a student). Okay, so last semester the school decided they were gonna be assholes and employ an RA for our building, all of last year we didn't have a fucking RA, and I am 22 years old, RA's are for freshman. But anyway, the RA turned out to be totally hot. Once more, she lived across the hall, and had two, totally hotter, roommates.
Now I remember telling my sophomore roommates one day that I would fuck the RA just so we could get away with anything we want...never in a million years did I expect to actually fuck the RA, or for that matter, go out with the girl. Secretly, in the back of my head, I actually wanted to get to her hotter roommates(HN1 and HN2), and there is no better ice breaker than "Hey, I used to date your roommate, lets fuck."
So long story short, the RA turned out to be a complete bitch, just like most RAs, and she dropped out of school and moved to some hick town with her new 30 year old boyfriend(maybe another day's discussion), and this worked out in my favor because now it was just me and my hot neighbors. So to wrap up this semester in a sentence, I fucked HN1 some time in February, and we used to go places pretending to be together, then I fucked HN2 a few weeks ago, then went to a psychic and found out she was a "cock-block," then made the mistake of telling her this, so now she goes out of her way to cock block me(like dropping me off at Georgia's house before). So, HN1 is no stranger to my ability to fuck complete households of girls.
Okay so, its time to go out, and HN1 goes to her new boyfriend's house, leaving me and my best friend, who is a girl by the way, alone to pregame. Now it is usually a bitch getting the bff to go out on a Thursday, so I had to play a drunken sympathy card, "Come on, I just got expelled! I wanna get shitfaced!" So we went out.

Seeing how it was just us, and both of us like beer, we got to go to the cheap beer special at one of the bars which we hadn't been to in ages since the HNs only drink liquor. Now it was here that we ran into Tubbytits. Now Tubbytits is a friend of a friend of mine who, up until a few weeks ago, I never had extended interaction with. Also, I'm pretty sure the name, "Tubbytits," should give you an image of what she looks like-see, when the only positive thing you can say about someone is "they have big tits," they are most likely fat, just like Tubbytits! Anyway, I digress, so Tubbytits knew who I was and immediately came over to say hello.

The catch was, Tubbytits was hammered too, and she ran over and gave me a big, tubbytitted hug. This moment got about ten times creepier when she leaned into my ear and whispered:

"So Mikee, did you know I want to fuck you?"

Now I could go the asshole route, like I did at Tall's house, and say something like, "yeah well I don't want to fuck you!" Or I could go the wildcard route, and figure that, maybe after a few more beers and hot girl rejections, I may want a safety net. So I say "Um, yeah."

So some time passes and I get a text from Tall telling us to meet her at another bar, so me and the Bff head over. Now I tell the Bff everything, so I told her about Tubbytits and she assured me that Tubbytits actually "gets her share of hot guys." This was weird to me because, one, I'm ugly as fuck, and two, if I whispered something like that into a girl's ear that I'd only hung out with twice, there would probably be a restraining order against me...I mean, I can't even get one night stands to accept my friend requests.

But anyway, we get into the other bar, which is actually more like a club, and it is crowded beyond recognition. Sure enough, I also run into three people on the Rugby team and I tell them about how I got expelled, and how this means I can't play, and why I wasn't at practice all week, and they all reply, "oh neither were we." -not too important, I know.

Then Tall comes swooping in and starts hanging on me, clearly also hammered beyond recognition. Now I don't think Tall is that ugly, I don't think she's cute either and actually, when I fucked her, I kinda told everyone that I did it only for the story, but I am slowly getting drunker and drunker and she is slowly getting cuter and cuter, even though she is too drunk to even stand. Regardless, I had my safety net and began to look for girls I can bang, preferably girls with a bed of their own seeing how there would be a lot of Smelly-Fat sex going on in my room, and its awfully hard to fuck on the recliner in the middle of my living room.

So needless to say, the night winded down and I told the Bff that I would walk home, so she can leave with a random guy. Now this left just me and my safety nets, and I was not feeling Tubbytits, so I set out to find Tall in the crowded club-bar. And I found her...talking to some 50 year old I jumped in so the old guy would go away. Now that it was just me and her drunk ass standing by the bar, I had about ten people come up to me, "dude, she's drunk, what are you doing?" And I had to offer my own alibi to every single one of them, "Its okay! I know her!" And then she had to drunkenly second my alibi every fucking time, "THIS IS MIKEE!"

Then she falls. Then a bouncer kicks her out. Then I meet her outside and decide that I will walk her home. And I kinda wish I didn't do this because, at this point, I am starting to realize that I made the wrong choice of safety nets...I'd take fat over date-rape plastered any day. Seriously, I felt like such a filthy slob by the time we reached her house that I wanted to shower again.

So after walking this girl the mile back to her house, and of course not getting invited inside, also while holding in what may be the biggest piss of my life, I get pissed at myself for not being able to fuck anything better than a 6(I'd give Tall a 6/10, Tubbytits gets a 3.5) and I actually contemplate asking if any of her roommates are up. But before I could even say anything, the door is closed and its 3am and its time for me to walk home by myself, but not before I vent my anger. I ripped the rear-view mirrors off every car in the driveway, threw them onto the side of the house, and released my monstrous piss...on them.