Thursday, April 22, 2010

Okay I guess I should get things started by telling you about my day

Well, to start things off, I am Mikee, with two e's, and, of course if you can actually read the bio thing over on the side of the blog, I am not technically a college student. I also hate blogs, and I really don't give a shit who reads this, so if you do, please ignore my conventions.

Anyway, here is the start. I had an epiphany today when I realized that I do not actually go to school here, this small University in Pennsylvania(don't want to give the name of the school) that I have been "attending" classes at for the better part of the last two years. See, the advisement here is absolutely horrible, and educators don't interact with people working at housing or people working at the registrar, that means, I can keep up a perfect attendance record in all my classes without either of the later offices ever finding out. To sum it all up, I have been
receiving an education all semester, without paying for school, since I am not enrolled anymore, and without paying for housing, as I live on campus. This may also be a good time to inform you guys that I am in four classes this semester, three of which I am getting easy A's in and the other, I'd be happy with a D. Its all for naught now though.

Allow me to go back further. I say I plan on going all the way back to December, before this most recent semester started. I was on a Call of Duty binge every night, I would play from about four pm, when I woke up, until seven am, with a small break in the middle for when my friends would come over and drink/we'd go to the bar. This became my routine for winter break, play call of duty, packing lip after lip, until the sun came up, and then sleep till 4 and do it all over again, and why not? I was unemployed and out of school, and plus, its not like I was spending any money that I didn't have, except for when I went to the bar. So the story starts at about noon one day, I don't recall what day it was. I had been in bed for a whopping five hours, fast asleep, when I was awoken by my mother:
"Mikee!" She called up the stairs, "Guess what? You just got expelled!"

And so there I lay in bed, half asleep and staring at my ceiling, thinking, "what?" I had no clue what she was talking about at first, and then when it clicked, "expelled...from school," the first thought that came into my half-asleep head was, "shit, I should have went to bed earlier."

So anyway, I went back to sleep for three more hours and then went downstairs to find out what the fuck was going on. It turned out I had received a letter in the mail from the school saying something along the lines of
"You are on academic suspension, please vacate your belongings from campus, blah blah blah."
I did not panic though, for some odd reason. I
texted my hot neighbor and told her I got suspended, but I also told her not to worry because I still planned on living in my on campus apartment anyway. I also texted a few more friends, laughing about it, suggesting that I would fight this suspension, even though I really didn't give two fucks. Before I knew it, my mother had printed a transcript of my grades, pointing to a part of the letter that informed me I was suspended for not maintaining a GPA of 2.25...on second look, it said QPA(Cumulative GPA, why Q stands for Cumulative is beyond me), but it appears that after three semesters of sub-par academic standings, the University was finally ready to off me for a whole frigin year. Now I don't know if all schools do this, I never gave enough of a shit to check at my old schools, and Pennsylvania's State education system tends to be pretty retarded, but basically your GPA is based on the letter grades you receive for each course. Basically, an A=4, B=3, C=2, D=1, E(not F) and/or I(Incomplete)=0, and all these numbers are added together and divided by the amount of courses you have taken. So my GPA for Fall Semester, three C's and an Incomplete(I) gave me a GPA of 1.2. I suddenly saw an opportunity.
"If I could argue that Incomplete grade to a B," I thought, "I would get a 2.25 GPA and be able to remain a student!"
So this was the class I got an Incomplete grade in, Shakespeare. And this was my Shakespeare class, come if you want, or don't, and watch movies based on Shakespeare's plays! Hell, even the teacher knew the class was a joke.
"You will pass this class," he assured us on day one, "if you know two things: 1. The first Canto was published in 1624 and 2. Shakespeare died in 1616."
Now I am/was an English major, in case you guys don't know this already, so to not get an A in this class would be bullshit. I, however, didn't humor the 86 year old teacher with my presence too often, since attendance didn't mean much(actually, we weren't sure seeing how there was NO syllabus), so I did not mind my spotty attendance resembling a B instead of an A. Oh and to go back for a second, when I say 86, that is not an over-statement. He was 86 and when we weren't simply watching the movie versions of Shakespeare's plays, he was recanting us with anecdotes about people we never met before/don't care to ever meet.

One day, while watching some shitty 1930's version of "As You Like It," starring some shitty German actress who's accent, dubbed over by that annoying old-time movie hiss, was so undecipherable that I began doing math equations in my notebook, the girl who sits beside me tapped me on the arm.
"Look at him," she insisted. I panned my head around to the back of the class where good-ol' 86 year old sat upright in a desk, with his head against the white cinder-block wall, his eyes shut and his body appearing lifeless. "Is he dead?" Okay, now if you are familiar with "As You Like It," I'm pretty sure you should know that there is a large duration of the play where this shitty German actress had to frolic around looking like a gay guy so she could please some other dude, but, needless to say, the class conversed in whispers over this whole scene contemplating calling an ambulance. I guess I was happy when he woke up, and turned out to not be dead, but it could have been a fun twist to the evening.

So back to December, 2009. I write the 86 year old an email:
"Hi, I just received my grades and I see that you have given me an I for the Shakespeare class I took with you. Seeing how I got a B(actually a C), on the midterm, and a B+(actually a B) on our only paper, this grade does not make sense to me. Can we discuss this?"
It is shortly after sending it that I realized, he is 86, and therefore, is probably not computer literate. Waiting for his response was the first time I faced the mortality of my education, but he did reply, surprisingly.
"You didn't hand in the final assignment(bullshit), drop a hard copy into my mailbox when you get back and I'll change the grade."
Okay, easy B, or, maybe even an A, and I'll be a student again, awesome! So awesome, I ignored the fact that this final assignment was, as said numerous times by him, "optional!" But, pushing for a possible A, I wrote the bullshit paper anyway, put it in his mailbox, and started my Spring, 2010 Semester.

So Spring Break came and went, and that was the same time midterm grades went out, so, needless to say, I was baffled when mine had not been posted online, like everyone else's were. Also baffling was the fact that I had not received notification that it was time to make my schedule for Fall 2010, which everyone else also received. I probably would not have even thought twice about this had I not run into my adviser, while in the cafeteria with hot neighbor number two, and he asked when I wanted to make my schedule.

So we set up a date, and I came into his office where he informed me that I would be graduating after the Fall 2010 semester...after four and a half years of college, four schools, two majors, one arrest, and numerous lays, my collegiate career would finally end gloriously. Then he went to give me my pin number...this is a number that the adviser gives the student so they can log onto the online registration form and make their schedule...and he finds that mine does not exist. Slowly, I realize exactly what happened, 86 year old fuckhead hasn't changed the frigin' grade yet so now I'll have to register late and get shitty classes, thank you, you old fuck. I inform him about this and he looks at my transcript before sighing.
"Um, it says you've been suspended."
"What?" I act appalled.
"It says your GPA wasn't high enough, in fact, you're not even enrolled in class right now."
I stare at the screen, acting like it will give me an answer to a question I'm not asking. He also stares at the screen, probably convinced it was some kind of typographical error; if you rated my passion for English over my grades, one would think I was a fantastic student.
"That is it," I said, "he didn't change the grade!"
"No, the grade's been changed, it says you got a C in Shakespeare."
A C? I think, Really? Now I have to go appeal this too. ..."That's what I meant, he was gonna change it to a B."
"Oh," My adviser responds, "in that case, here is what I recommend taking next semester, and you should make an appointment with the department chair to get your pin-number."
So when I get back to my apartment, I email the 86 year old again:
"I was just informed that I received a C in your Shakespeare class, even though, I think, my grades add up to at least a B. I got a B+(actually a C) on the midterm, and an A(actually a B) on the first paper, and a B+(I don't actually know) on the final paper. Can we please discuss how you got to this conclusion?"
So two weeks passed and, what do you know, the old fucker has not responded, I had a theory that perhaps he was selectively computer illiterate. I even went to his office to try and see him but I was informed, by another teacher, that he was in Europe. Okay, that's great, I need to re-appeal a grade, so I can get credit for my classes this semester and the 3 A's I planned on receiving, and also so I can make my schedule for next semester before the classes fill up, and the teacher with whom I must appeal the grade is in fucking Europe. Somewhat agitated, I make an appointment with the chair lady.

Now the chair lady does not know my name, does not know my face, has never had me as a student, and still, probably, wouldn't be able to pick me out of a crowd, but I walked into her office, after my last class of the day, and gave her a rundown.
"Look," I said, "[86 year old] gave me an A on the last paper, a B+ on the midterm, and a B on the first paper and then he gave me a C for the class. I think I deserve a B, plus, I am not allowed to make my schedule until this is fixed blah blah blah."
She was shocked and said she would send him an email which he Had to answer. She then asked me to forward the emails I told her I sent him and I gasped, somehow only sending her the last email so it appeared my contradicting grades were somewhat close to what I told her.

About a week later, I got an email from her saying she convinced him to change the grade, and I thought everything would be okay. Two days after that, I got an email from him:
"Dear Mikee, After consulting with [Chair lady](who persuasively argued your cause), I have decided to raise yours to a "mercy" grade of B, in view of your situation relating to academic probation; since I believe that you are capable of doing outstanding academic work when you apply yourself though I felt that you should have done a better job on the Shakespeare Take Home Final. Let this course serve as a wake-up call that you need to apply yourself consistently if you want to do well in school (and in life). Best Holy Weekend wishes! The change will take ten days to implement." -Needless to say, I did not respond at all.

So ten days came and passed and well, you guessed it, I had still not received notification that I could make my schedule. Assuming 86 year old probably either forgot or died, I made another appointment with Chair lady.

Now this is on April 20, 2010, or 4/20. Now I don't smoke much weed, but I will defend it to the death because, frankly, it should be legal, but this is another day's discussion.

I walked into chair lady's office and, I swear to God, she was high. I mean, I told her that 86 year old had not yet changed my grade and the bitch stared at me for about two minutes, not saying a single word. Finally, she turned around and looked up my transcript, and then informed me that I was wrong, he had changed the grade, BUT, I was still suspended. She gave me the names of two deans I should go talk to and that's where I stopped listening because, well fuck it, there's one week left in the semester, and I have a ten page paper due at 4 today(oh shit, 18 minutes ago) which I am yet to even start. Hello free education!