Saturday, April 24, 2010

The Italian girl

So there was a girl in one of my classes this semester who was fresh out of Europe and had the greatest Italian accent I have ever heard. She was a decent looking girl too, and she was somewhat friendly. There was one catch though, this girl could not grasp the concept of "Take one, pass it back." Seriously, every time a handout was given to the class, when the pile of papers got to her, she would just keep every fucking paper. And now this concerned me because she sat right in front of me so every time there was a handout, I had to raise my hand and say I didn't have one. I guess "take one, pass it back," is an American thing.

So anyway I got really drunk last night and me and my buddy went to this Awesome Irish Pub that some of the college kids hang out at. Now to give you an idea of my buddy, he is the cockiest person in the world, but in a good way. He will not start fights with random people, but he will make it his job to hit on every girl, even if his friend is going out with them, just for shits and giggles. This could potentially cause a problem for me sometimes as I am ugly as fuck and he is not, therefore, I always had this fear in the back of my head that he could actually steal a girl from me.

So anyway, we're in the bar and we're sitting in a small booth talking to these two girls who he, somehow, started a conversation with...seriously, I think he guessed one of their astrological signs right and we were invited into the booth. So he is getting really close with his girl and I look back at my girl who is equally as fixated on him, possibly the worst wing-girl ever, and even after I buy her a frigin beer, she manages to say four words to me all night.

So I get up and see if I can find anyone else in the bar that I know and, while walking past the bathroom line, I run guessed it...The Italian girl. So, keeping in mind that I'm drunk, the first thing I ask her is:

"Why do you suck at "take one pass it back?" Why can you not grasp this concept?"

See, that is me when I'm drunk, I will blindside people with shit I don't say when I'm sober but I think all the time. So needless to say, her reaction is something along the lines of "WTF?" But somehow, this was all in good humor, even though I was serious about her inability to master the American technique of handing out papers. She then proceeded to introduce me to all her foreign friends, and yes I'm not making this up, all of her friends were also exchange students from Europe. There was a dutch girl and a Swedish girl and a British girl, and they all knew English and had kickass accents. The catch was, they were all ugly as sin, and I would have brought them back to my booth except, I am a good wingman and did not want my friend to deal with some ugly Swedish girl all night.

So I leave this conversation and get in contact with HN1 and Bi-girl, another friend of ours. Now Bi-girl is a real character because she is not only bi-sexual, but she talks about sex more than everyone I know. The guys love it when I bring her to Rugby parties because, well, come on, a cute bisexual girl talking about sex, who wouldn't love that?

So the first thing HN1 does is bring up my school situation and, I did not realize this, but Bigirl was not aware that I got suspended.

"What are you gonna tell your parents?"

I think, oh shit, I don't know the answer to this. I mean, I am having them pay for a house for me to move into next semester, which they think is my last semester in school, but now I have to put my "education" on hold until 2011, when I'm older, fatter, and will probably have even less hair. So I inform her that I will pull a "Life Is Beautiful," and act like everything is okay, even though they will not be receiving bills for my tuition. ...I, then, had to explain to them that "Life Is Beautiful," is a movie about Italian Jews put into a concentration camp where the father does a good job convincing his young son the whole time that there was no evil in the world.

So then a group of girls approach my table, and, you guessed it, its the Foreign Exchange Club, and its Italian girl, and she thinks I should buy her a drink, and I, still drunk don't forget, say that her approach was "too American." I, then, proceed to shit on her foreignness, call them the "foreign exchange club," and inform HN1 and Bigirl about her inability to pass out papers. Somehow, this drew her closer to me, and now she is sitting beside me with her arm around me and Bigirl is offending the rest of the club by recanting stories of threesomes. Then my buddy spots me and gives me a highfive saying "good work!"

This was perfectly timed however with the entrance of three people from the Rugby team, so I force myself out of the booth to go hang out with male companions who won't make me buy them drinks or misinterpret my insults. The first thing one asks me is

"Why weren't you at practice today?"

I tell them about my suspension and they inform me about the game this weekend which, I guess, I can't play in. I then tell them about the Foreign Exchange Club that won't leave me alone until I buy them their European drinks, I don't know what fucking Europeans drink are, but I, sure as hell, am not paying for that shit here in America.

So I may have pointed to the table and, of course, they recognize Bigirl right away, so now there is about 20 people forcing themselves into this one booth so they can hear Bigirl recant stories about sex and girl on girl and stuff, and Italian girl is insisting a take the saved seat beside her, but upon seeing that I don't have a drink in my hand, immediately lets the seat be occupied by someone on the Rugby team. So I look around the bar for someone else I know and there is no one. Okay, that is a lie, I spot Disinterested Girl alone at the bar trying to buy another drink, my buddy and her friend got seats in the booth. So I go up to her and try to think of something cool to I tell her about Italian Girl's inability to pass out papers. She nods and leaves.

Then, someone on the Rugby team takes her spot and orders four mixed drinks and informs me that they're for the foreign girls/my friends at the table. So this means, I guess, that I am off the hook for buying Italian girl a drink, and I return to the booth just in time to hear Bigirl comment on my "inability to park." Then I remembered that my car is still parked at the bar seeing how I left it there on Thursday when I drove there drunk to day drink more with Tall and Georgia...yes, I have lost track of my car, it happens all the time.

So anyway, the night winds down and I have HN1 drive my car back to campus. I also gave Italian girl a fake number and promised the Rugby guys I'd be at the game...which started about forty minutes ago.

Then I arrive in my apartment, which by the way is a total mess because Smelly leaves his clothes and shit in the living room...seriously, there are six of us and no one else leaves their shit in the living room, but he does. But then, I get to my room and, it is locked. I go to put my key into the door to unlock it just when I hear Smelly's fat girlfriend moan really loud. Now I kinda expected that I'd be sleeping on the recliner again tonight, but usually I get a sweatshirt to cover my crotch so I don't end up on except I can't get into my room to get a frigin sweatshirt.

So I woke up this morning on the recliner. Over my crotch was some random pair of pants I found on the floor.