There is a novel

Attention readers: I have turned most of the blog into a novel and have already written a rough draft. I will try to publish it, but it will probably offend a lot of people and take about a year. That is all.

RA: The Untold Story

About a year ago, when Hank and I moved into our apartment upstairs, I remember meeting up with him in the parking lot outside. We moved our stuff into our room, met the youngings for the first time, and then Hank assured me that, seeing how we were on the top floor, there was a possibility we could move away the ceiling tiles and walk above the ceiling. This was the Younging's introduction to us, Hank and I emerging from the ceiling with flashlights, it was pretty cool.

So anyway, we were rather bitter about the whole school buying our apartment building thing, and upon learning that they'd be giving us an ra, Hank was probably more pissed than he'd ever been, and I don't blame him, I mean, after spending like 7 semesters of college without an ra just to get one for your final semester, I'd be pissed too.

But then I went into the hallway where the ra, who lived across the hall from us, was ready to introduce herself. After our brief introduction, she tells me that there is a mandatory meeting at 7, which I reply by saying I would not be there because I had to go to dinner with my parents. She was kinda upset about this...I soon atoned her reaction to the fact that our introduction took place at 6:55, and the meeting which I "had to miss," was only five minutes in the future. It didn't matter.

So Hank and I grew fascinated with the apartment across the hall, mostly because of the two hot girls who lived there(Hn1 and Hn2) that we were yet to socialize with. I remember we briefly said hello to each other a few times, but the first extended socializing either of us had with the hot neighbors was when I was sleeping in the living room and I heard them banging on their door.

I opened my door, mostly because they were loud and it was 3am, only to learn that they had went out and were now returning drunk and locked out of their apartment. This is when we started talking and what not, and got pretty close with each other, and whatever, and made plans to actually hang out some time.

A couple of days later, Hank and I were playing Call of Duty when there was a knock on our door to reveal RA, Hn1, and Hn2 jokingly saying they were gonna confiscate our alcohol. They revealed it to be a joke and then RA, who I didn't realize was the RA, invited us across the hall to drink with them:

RA: Come across the hall and drink with us!
Me: Okay...but isn't that where the RA lives?
RA: ...I am the RA
Me: Okay, be right there.

So we drink in the RA's apartment with Hn1, Hn2, and RA and then Hank and I go outside to smoke weed with RA, and she gets hammered. So she's sitting next to me on the couch and just keeps yelling "I wanna make outtt!" and I would have done this except I was 85% certain she had a boyfriend, so I didn't. She was also grotesquely eating a bowl of ceriel at the time, which kinda turned me off.

Well soon the alcohol was finished and we went back to our apartment.

So fast forward a couple of weeks. Hank and I went out to the bars and returned hammered. we get up to our hallway and Hank decides to take a piss on the wall opposite our apartment. At the same time, I decide to grab a marker and write the word "vagina" in big black letters all over the walls.

At the end of that week, there was a "mandatory floor meeting," which I assumed would be all my fault, but it was not thankfully. RA simply made a small footnote about the person who vandalized the walls, saying she would find out who it was.

So then it was Halloween and me and the hot neighbors were discussing going out to a party together; I had said that both Hank and Bff wouldn't be around that weekend, and I kinda wanted someone to hang out with, so they were open to it.

So the night comes and I get ready to go out with them. I went across the hall to where the hot neighbors were getting ready and found that RA was getting ready too, and she was excited to be coming out with us. Also present was Hn2's older brother, who was a pretty cool kid.

So the five of us went out to this frat party and Hn2's brother and I are running the beer pong table when, somehow, he gets into a fight and is promptly kicked out. Hn2 leaves with him, leaving just me, RA, and Hn1.

So RA and I are talking and she says she broke up with her boyfriend, whatever. Now I'm not entirely sure how it got to this point, but we started making out. While this is happening, some drunk kid bumps into a small bar set up in the living room and I see, out of the corner of my eye, this bar is about to fall over, so I break away from RA, mid make out, and save the falling bar, prompting the entire frat to cheer for me.

Also, at this point, I am parading around the party saying "She is my RA!"

So anyway, we get back to the apartment, hang out for a little, and then she passes out in my bed, and I do too, we don't do anything. Then she leaves, and I assume it was all a one night thing until I find a note on my door from her. She said she wants to hang out again and whatnot, and has neatly written my name "Mikee" on the outside of the note. So I start to write her a note back, and as I'm going to write her name on the outside of the note, I realize that her real name, and the word, "vagina," have a lot of common letters in them, and all she really had to do was turn around to realize that she made out with the fucker who vandalized her hallway. Needless to say, I try to disguise my writing.

Well we hang out again, we bone a few times, and then we start going out, and I slowly start to realize how shitty of a person she is. First off, she always complains about money, she always says that "money is pointless and fake," but every time she got a paycheck, she would just spend that shit immediately and then be broke because "money is pointless and fake," again. She also revealed to me what she considered to be her darkest secret: she had ovarian cancer, and me, being a dipshit, felt bad for her and did not care about that. On the plus side, she assured me that she found out who vandalized her hallway, saying that one of Hn1's friends took credit for it. Now I don't know who is douchier here, me, who is going out with the RA after vandalizing the hallway, or the fucking douche who took credit for it.

Some time passes and she decides that she will not go back to school because of her health(that wasn't why) but seeing how she doesn't talk to her mom and her dad lives in Texas, she needed somewhere to stay. Well I solved this: Ben had an extra room in his house, so I introduced the two and they began to live together.

Now I'm not sure when I pissed her off exactly, it might have been when I asked why a beautiful girl like Hn1 was single or it might have been when I acted like a douche one time while drunk, but I somehow learned that we weren't actually going out anymore(yes I learned this, we did not break up, she just decided she didn't want a boyfriend anymore). I learned this on a Thursday, and how lucky I was to learn that on the following Friday, Ben was throwing an epic house party.

Well I went to the party, got really drunk, got into a fight with RA in her bedroom, and then passed out on her bedroom floor wrapped in curtains. The fight kinda settled everything between us to not be awkward anymore and established that we had definitely broken up and what not, plus I was more interested in her hot roommates anyway, so everything was fine.

Then the semester ended, we went our own ways, and one day in early December, Ben called me and said that RA was moving out. I didn't mind this at all obviously.

So Spring semester started, Hn1, Hn2 and I got a lot closer and we started hanging out more. About a week into the semester, I learn that RA is coming back to visit(she had dropped out of school and was living about 40 minutes away). So the four of us hung out in my living room and I listened to the girls catch up on things. Then RA started talking about her new boyfriend, which made me switch on my 360 and start playing Call of Duty. Hn2 yelled at me, saying that was rude, but come on, seriously, whose the rude one in this situation?

Towards the end of that night, I asked RA, in private, how her "health situation" was. She said she didn't know what I was talking about, so I said, "um, your...ovarian cancer..." Upon gaging her reaction to this, I established that she was, hands down the worst person in the world, and can only assume she never had cancer. Cunt.

So I haven't spoken to her at all since. She did write on my facebook wall a while ago, and I don't think I actually answered her because I really don't care about her whatsoever. Also, in the time since, I have hooked up with both Hn1 and Hn2, so fuck you RA, you cunt, I don't care if you die tomorrow.

Last Night

Allow me to start off by saying, since calling CWG a cunt, that word has increased in my vocabulary exponentially, and that is probably such a bad thing.

Anyway, last night we went to Tool Center to spend a shit ton of money and what not. Everyone was pregamming at Andrew's house, which is literally around the corner from mine, so I loaded up a backpack with leftover expensive beer my dad bought for his party last weekend, and started to walk there, the glass bottles clanking all the way. Seriously, I sounded like a fucking old time prison where people just bang cups on the bars....a one man old time prison.

Anyway, we pregame and I decide my shirt is too tight, but instead of going home and changing it, which would have literally taken ten minutes, I decide to pound beer. This was unusual because my dad's taste in beer is highly exquisite, so I'm pregamming with Blue Moons, Peronis, and Coronas. Needless to say, I feel a shit brewing and decide to run downstairs and expel it...greatest decision of my night.

So anyway we arrive at the bar, we being myself, Andrew, Monotone, Sprick, Bitter, Jegabombs, and Slappy2. We are also joined by Stout, an ex friend of ours we hardly see, he is about 5'2 and is a cocky asshole, and cries a lot, yet always gets girlfriends. Now I got a somewhat hook up at the back bar because I always tip this one bartender pretty good, but I spent 80 bucks regardless, that doesn't matter, shit is expensive in New York.

Anyway, Britt texts me and says shes at the bar so I find her...and I find out why she is at the bar...this is because her close friend from highschool has just turned 21, and who is her close friend....Cousin1.

Tangent time:

I started dating cousin1 when I was a senior in highschool, and I even went to prom with her. Everything went awry however when she decided to hook up with Andrew on my birthday. I was okay with this because when her birthday came around, exactly five years ago, I hooked up with her first cousin, Cousin2. Cousin2 and I then proceeded to date for three years, three years that destroyed my collegiate life, IMO.
Anyway, its been about 2 years since I broke up with Cousin2, we got close again around last Easter, and I thought we may get back together, but I doubt that will happen at all now. As for Cousin1, I haven't said a word to her in five years, I mean, is there a better way to say "fuck you, its over," then to date someones first cousin for 3 years?


So back to the story. Upon seeing Cousin1 in the bar, I leaned over to Slappy2 and Jegabombs and told them to prepare for the most awkward moment ever. I was also content to just avoid her, as obviously she has every reason in the world to just despise me. But suddenly there she was, excited to see me and hanging on me yelling "its my birthdaaaaaaayyyy!"

So we got to talking and she goes "I still have that Buildabear you made me!" ...

...Tangent Time...

Yes, I made her a buildabear. Worst experience of my life. When we were dating she always talked about wanting a buildabear, she even made me a buildabear, which, seriously, what the fuck am I gonna do with a buildabear? I still have it somewhere too, collecting dust..

Okay so back to the story. I say "Oh yeah, I totally still have the one you made me too..." But she refuses to believe me, so I invite her to my house to see it, and she says yes, but we get sidetracked about something I offer to buy her birthday shots.

Now Cousin1 was hammered, so really a birthday shot was kinda adding fuel to the fire. I didn't care and we went to the back bar where my friend worked so I could get the hook up. When we arrived, Bitter was standing in front of the bar, and he turned around to me and said to give him cover. I didn't know what this meant until I realized he was taking a piss...while looking the bar tender in the face, he was taking a piss under the bar. For the record, hes done this many times.

So Cousin1 and I do these shots and then we start making out, which I can only attribute to her being drunk. Well, she must have been really drunk because next thing I knew, her hand was on my dick. Well, I was accepting, and we went outside somewhere and she started giving me a blow job, but the thing about Tool Center is that cops just patrol around the whole place, so this is one paranoid ass blow job. Kids are walking past us, I can see the traffic on the nearby highway, some old man gives me a thumbs up, I had to abandon ship on the blowjob because it just wasn't working.

So we head back to the bar, my dick still covered in her saliva, and we try to find everyone else. Then the bitch tries to kiss me again and I told her we were done with that, seeing how I don't want my dick in my mouth, and she went off to do God knows what.

Anyway, I run into Monotone again who is intent on asking how we would be getting home. We were unable to find anyone else, and I decide to call my parents to come get us; it was like 3:30. So we sit in a booth waiting for them and this really drunk girl starts talking to him, and he learns that they live in the same exact apartment complex at school, and its a glorious moment for anyone who is not a third wheel.

Anyway, my parents say they have arrived and while starting outside to get into the car, we run into Stout who asks how we're getting home. I was drunk so I said he could come with.

Now Monotone is aware of this, but Stout has never been in the car with me and my parents when I am hammered but I just start saying the most obnoxious shit, while starting Taco Bell chants. So I start talking about CWG being a cunt, and Stout is appalled that I would say something like that in front of my parents. Then Monotone and I engaged in a conversation about the word "cunt," and we included my parents in it, and decided cunt is not a bad word...Stout is just in the backseat appalled the whole time.

Anyway, we get Taco Bell, drop Stout off, and I go home and pass out with my laptop open like a dickwad. Fun night.

I also woke up to a facebook message from Cousin1: "Good seeing you again ;)" ...I'm seriously down with not taking this any further.

Bethlehem

So I was originally planning to leave Pennsylvania on Saturday, but I was convinced by Georgia to stay another night. To give some background as to why Georgia and I have gotten this close, I think I've said before that she used to be married and it kinda creeps me out, well back in Georgia, her and her husband have "worked things out" where they are technically dating but seeing how they are each in different states, they are both free to fuck whoever they want. My intentions to get it in have really escalated our conversations.

Also aiding my desire to stay was Marcus. See, she was really cute, I thought, and we somehow got along pretty well. The problem was that, after getting ready for the night planning to maybe do something good with her, I learned that this was her last night in Pennsylvania before moving to Connecticut or some shit to start her post-college life. Now I know I'm not nearly tall enough for her but I'd hate myself for not trying.

So Georgia picked me up from my house and she insisted we drive down to Bethlehem for some intense, large ass music shit. She then proceeded to pick up Tall and Marcus and we started to drive to Bethlehem, drinking the whole way down. In the car, I disclose the comment I left to CWG and ask for advice on the apology, they all respond saying she deserved to be called a cunt because she was acting like a cunt...guess girls see things like this way differently.

So we arrive at this music thing, which is apparently a big deal because it strait up attracted like half of Pennsylvania. There are all these large ass parking lots with buses that take you to the festival, and we parked in one and waited for the bus. The crowd of people on the bus, I can only refer to as "Fedora City," since everyone seemed to be wearing fedoras.

So I took a seat next to Marcus and she began telling me about her life, as we drove past the abandon steel mill which was illuminated in all these different colors for some reason...it was actually pretty cool. Anyway she tells me about moving to some other state and we talk about our upbringings/ex's...Basically laying foundation for the pipe laying.

So anyway we arrived at the festival and I learned that Bff was actually there too, and I'm trying to give her directions to where we are so we can meet up. The problem is the festival is a never ending platoon of booths and stages and bridges and steel and shit, so no matter how we tried to decipher each other's locations, it was almost impossible.

So we went to this tent where this band was playing underneath and we took a seat, Marcus and I on one side and Tall and Georgia on the other.

Then Georgia got a phonecall from her husband/boyfriend and walked away to take it. In the mean time, this random ass girl just started dancing, like right in the middle of the aisle she started dancing nonstop. It was like she was on ecstasy, but I couldn't even compare it to that because she looked as white trash as possible, so I compare it to the Vietnamese girl in that chapter of "The Things They Carried" whose city was being destroyed by Tim O'Brien's platton but she was just dancing.

Anyway, Marcus thinks this is hilarious, and we're filming her with our phones. Then I look around and realize that she has attracted a crowd and everyone is filming her with their phones. Even a random old lady stops us and asks if we're filming her, thinking this is funny.

So anyway I gotta get up to take a piss and I walk to the porto-poties down the block. There about 84 poties set up in a row and there is a line of one person in front of each, so I jump behind someone and wait.

This fucker goes in to take a piss and literally takes like 20 minutes. So I turned around to whoever was behind me and said

"What did I get the guy shitting, or something?"

Well, unknown to me at the time, these were unisex poties and of course there is a 16 year old girl behind me on line who is not sure if she should laugh or be creeped out. Thankfully, the guy finished and I walked very fast inside to take my piss.

So on my way back I walked past another booth selling tickets and decided to buy ten more dollars worth so I could keep buying beer-you were only able to pay in tickets. So I went back to the bar, on my way to the tent, only to learn that it was 10:31 and the fucking bar closes at 10:30! So needless to say, I'm kinda pissed.

Then I return to the girls where Georgia is beyond upset. I ask what happened and Marcus tells me that she got into a fight with boyfriendhusband and whatever. Now keep in mind, it is very crowded, so we somehow have to split up into twos, Marcus and Tall, Georgia and me. I take Georgia over to a booth to try and spend my tickets and wind up having to purchase four smoothies, one for each of us!

So we find Tall and Marcus and they are talking to some guy they knew who was maybe 30. He starts telling a story about how a bouncer in one of the bars by us caught him fucking his girlfriend so he beat him over the head with a wine bottle, it was a great story and I felt pretty dim in comparison...no roided motherfucker ever hit me with a bottle. So I was pretty entertained, and felt bad because I didn't bring him a smoothie.

So anyway soon we have to say goodbye to older story guy and we walked back to where the bus was supposed to pick us up. Georgia and I are walking like arm in arm and shit and I mention to Marcus that I still had tickets, and she says that she knows people who will be back and can spend them. I give her the tickets in exchange for her buying me a beer or two when we go to the bar.

Then Georgia tells me that she is in a bad mood and will not go to the bar. I assume I can have a bar night with the other two though, only to learn that now they don't wanna go either. I figured that by the time we got back, it would be like 1:30 anyway, so it wasn't necessary...even though it meant Marcus would not repay me for the tickets.

Anyway we get onto the bus and I let Georgia read what I have typed out as an apology to CWG but she tells me again that I shouldn't apologise. I planned on apologising anyway, naturally.

So we get back to the car and I get to sit shotgun with Marcus behind me, and me being an asshole, I kept pushing the seat back into her. Then I had to listen as Marcus and Tall discussed, in great detail, guys...and it reminded me why I disliked hanging out with only girls. I kinda wanted to turn around and say "Hey who wants to fuck me!?"

So Georgia drove them both to Marcus's house and then drove me home. On our way to my house some car blew a red light and slammed into the back of us, which of course just made Georgia even more pissed off. I thought it was kinda interesting, giving our night a No Country type ending.

Anyway, after trading insurance information, we get to my driveway and I go in for a hug goodbye only to receive a kiss instead. Well, it doesn't take a genius to say:

"Hey wanna see what the inside of my house looks like?"

But she says no and to call her tomorrow. I didn't.

Update with CWG: I just had a conversation with Andrew about the word cunt, seeing how he treats his girlfriend like shit and has probably called her a cunt multiple times. While I was right, he has called her a cunt multiple times, he assured me that cunt is a good word and, upon hearing what led to the comment, agreed with the girls and said that she WAS actually a cunt. I still sent her the letter of apology.

So I think I'll remove the word "Cunt" from my vocabulary (Anyone expecting a glorious reunion with CWG will be let down)

So, finally having my car back and having some free time, I decided to drive up to Pennsylvania and stay in my house for the weekend. I had only been in my house once, I had only just found out that I had a bedroom in said house, so I was uncertain of exactly how the living situation would turn out.

It turned out to be pretty nice, the house was clean and despite complaints about electricity we had the whole place air conditioned. Even my room had my bed set up and shit, it was looking to be a pretty sweet weekend...That was until I realized that not only did I bring sheets too small for the bed, but I totally forgot everything I need to wash myself, so I had to be that awkward asshole who uses shampoo and soap that belongs to other people.

At the same time, I had planned on meeting up with CWG this weekend to do a whole bunch of shit to her heavenly vagina and what not, except I texted her a few times this week, reminding her of the "date" we had, and she did not reply to any of them. Then I saw her facebook status which said that she would be here, and naturally, that kinda pissed me off.

But I didn't do anything, I decided to not say a word to her, and I decided to not even talk to her if I saw her out, which is what you have to do when you wanna fuck somebody again.
So I had to drive to Walmart to get some shower shit yesterday and when I was leaving the parking lot, some guy in another car said something to me which I could not decipher. This got me paranoid and wondering if there was something wrong with my car, so I got out and inspected it. I think its okay, but I don't know.

So anyway there were a number of people around to hang out with, who were also visiting for the weekend, including Bff, Hn1, Tall, and Georgia. Tall and Georgia had me meet them at the bar, and Hn1 was driving down there anyway, so I had her pick me up, after pregamming a little, and we went to Sportsbar.

In Sportsbar, we met up with Tall, Georgia, and their friend, Marcus, who was actually a really cute girl, don't ask my why I called her Marcus, she just looks like a Marcus. Now they had dollar mixed drinks till Midnight, but there were two bartenders close to us, one of which was awesome and the other who sucked, so every time I wanted a drink, I had to flag down the awesome one or get ripped off having a vodka cranberry that was basically all cranberry.

So then Marcus started talking about some guy she saw who was "cute and tall," and I got mad at her asking why height was important. It kinda brought down my self esteem seeing how girls who actually think height means something are probably not into me.

Anyway, Bff arrives and goes to CBOS with her ghetto friends from home, but Georgia and I head over to Chillbar to get away from her "stalker." We talk a lot, catch up on some shit, and I tell her about CWG being a total C-word for no reason. Its about this time that I get a text from Bff saying CWG is in CBOS right now, which kinda pisses me off more. After a little while, Tall and Marcus join us and we keep drinking until the bar closes.

So we head outside to the pizza place where Bff meets up with us and we get on line so everyone can get pizza. Well, sure enough, there was CWG on line two people in front of me. Then, after ordering, she sees me and stops walking, and says hi, to which I don't say a single fucking word, and she continues to her table.

So I decide to approach her only to walk into the most awkward conversation of my life, with all her friends staring at me thinking I'm some creepy asshole whose never said a word to her in my life, so I just walked away mid conversation.

So I was still pissed off about CWG and we all went outside to where Georgia, Tall, and Marcus started to walk home. Before leaving, Tall starts making out with me again for some reason, and just like always, it doesn't mean shit to me.

So Bff comes back to my house with her ghetto friends and we hang out in my living room for a while. Its about now that, after talking about CWG, I decide to give her a pretty fucked up text:

"Seriously. That was fucked up. You're a fucking cunt.."

-Note, the final period at the end dictates that I actually hit the space button twice after the comment so it would print.

All Bff's ghetto friends thought this was hilarious, until I told them about how heavenly her vagina was. Suddenly I started to feel bad.

So the sun was rising, Bff and her friends headed home, and I started to walk upstairs, but I tripped and went head first into my wall leaving a large ass dent. I don't think its a big deal, there are a few holes in the walls, and my roommates didn't seem to notice, plus my head was okay.

If I may also point out, I have had the worse diarhea since last Sunday, I think maybe I should go to a doctor or something. I was seriously worried it may come out if I drank too much, but it did not.

So today I prepared a long ass note pad letter for CWG apologizing for calling her a cunt and whatnot-its amazing what I do for heavenly vaginas. It seems like you're not supposed to call a girl you're trying to fuck a cunt, but I did, so wish me luck on her reception of said letter, which I will send as a facebook message.

Update: Wow, apparently we are no longer facebook friends. Okay, we'll do that.

The Orthodox Jewish Girl

Last night, after having a few guys over my house for some drinking, I decided to meet up with Britney at a party in the next town. This was at about 3am and I had to walk it by myself, hammer drunk with a lip in my mouth.

As I'm walking up the street I'm supposed to turn off of, I see a bunch of cop lights in the distance, and when I reach them, it turns out some drunk asshole drove his car into a telephone pole. So I'm hammered and I gotta pee somewhere and I got a lip in my mouth, but I had to make sure I was on the right street, so I interrupted the cop's conversation to make sure I was right.

So I arrive at this house and this is the group of people in the backyard:

Douchenozzle-a douchebag whose ass I actually kicked like 4 years ago because he came to my house and stole Kyle's phone. The only reason I was accepting of him last night is because he gave me a shitload of free beer.
Britney
Ortho-A cute Orthodox Jewish girl
Owner-the owner of the house, a tall blonde with a decent body and a meh face
Travis-some guy Owner had just met and banged

So within like two minutes, Travis and Owner disappear to bang again and everyone else, against my decision, decides to play truth or dare. So Ortho asks me and I pick dare and she says I have to get naked and jump into bed with Travis and Owner. Well I did this and they thought it was funny. On my way back down from her bedroom, Ortho kept asking me if I was sleeping over and I told her I wasn't sure.

So now the sun is rising and Britney decides we should go to the beach. We pile into Owner's car, Britney driving, Douchenozzle in passenger's seat, and me and Travis in the back with Ortho on my lap and Owner on his. At this point, I'm pretty much assuming that I'm banging Ortho before the night is over.

Somehow we take a diversion and, instead of going to the beach, we go to Travis's house in bumblefuck. Travis has a pool so I ask him for a bathing suit, which turns out to be two sizes too small, and, under the assumption everyone was going swimming, I jump into the pool. Well I was the only one in the pool, although Ortho had been sitting on the edge with her feet in the pool but that is it.

So it is 7am, Owner and Travis are banging again in his bed, Douchenozzle has passed out in the passenger's seat of Owner's car, and I am in Travis's pool with Britney and Ortho hanging out in the yard watching me and eating muffins we found in Travis's kitchen.

So Ortho and I start talking:

Me: So, you're Jewish?
Ortho: Yeah
Me: That sucks
Ortho: Why?
Me: Because being Jewish definitely sucks, especially if you're like orthodox
Ortho: I am orthodox
Me: Wow, I feel bad for you
Ortho: Why?
Me: ...Do you watch Curb Your Enthusiasm?
Ortho: sometimes
Me: I was watching this episode where Larry pretended to be an Orthodox Jew and it just seems like it sucks


As if that wasn't offensive enough, I mean, telling someone their religion sucks, I then proceeded to ask her why Jewish people have to bury plates in their backyard if they mix meat and dairy, as I saw in said episode of Curb. She said that the dirt apparently washes away the anti-kosher-ness and I thought this was hilarious. After a few more back and fourths, I finally realized that offending someones religion is not the best way to get into their pants, and that I had cockblocked myself yet again.

So Ortho and Britney go inside so Ortho can change, and I ask her if she has to bury her clothes now, which she didn't think was as funny as I did. I climbed out of the pool, ate every remaining muffin, and started inside to where everyone was hanging out in Travis's room. Britney declared that she would go outside for her muffin but I told her I ate them all, and she got kinda mad.

Next thing I know, we were driving home. Oh and we found Douchenozzle passed out on some random front lawn. But it was nearing 8am and I was wide awake so I traded numbers with Ortho, I'll probably never bang her, and went home.

Oh and I think I should add, she is saved in my phone as "Nikki JEW."

Old Story: Parade Day 2009

So my school(ex-school) has a big day every year in April where everyone wakes up at 7am and starts drinking then goes to the bars and continues drinking. If I may also point out, drinking in public is not only accepted, it is encouraged, and there is a large parade that travels down the main street, past every bar, and right on to the next town that some people like to watch.

Now on the night before Parade Day 2009, Bruce, Hank, and I discussed our plans for the following morning: the three of us would sleep in the living room, ensure the others are awake, get into Bruce's car and drive to his girlfriend's house, which was located on the Main Street, to start drinking...We had to be secretive so George Costanza didn't come.

I recall waking up at about 6:30am and noting how Hank was the only other person awake. We were watching Seinfeld on TV and, in this episode, George Costanza(the character) was working at Playtime and his boss's name was Mr Kuger. At one point, Mr Kuger referred to his last name as "Kyoooooooga," comparing it to an "old-time horn." For some reason, Hank and I thought this was the funniest thing ever so all day we were yelling "Kyoooooooga" at people.

So we pulled off the plan without a hitch, got to the beer distributor at like 7:30am and got some beer, and we all went to Bruce's girlfriend's house where they had a plethora of liquor and beer. I was not aware, however, that Bruce's girlfriend had about ten friends, all of which were female, that would be spending the whole day with us too. Now, think about this, three guys, ten girls, that makes for a fun day of drinking!

So amongst these girls are Bruce's girlfriend, Shorty, Berries, Tubbytits, 65%(Bruce's girlfriend's roommate, I call her 65% because that seemed to be the amount of effort she consistently put into trying to look attractive. Had she put a little more effort into her appearance, she might have been hot), and 65%'s sister, visiting from another school, Kyooga(how she got that nickname will come up later in the story).

So we're all drinking on the street in front of the house, and ignoring calls from George Costanza, and we watch the parade with hardly any interest. Then we head to the bars and, keep in mind, its only like 2pm, and we're all kinda hammered.

So we stop by one bar where Hank and I take seats in a booth. Berries comes up and takes the seat next to me and, seemingly out of nowhere, we start making out(this was the first time I met her, much less, the first time we did anything). So then Berries tells me she has to go to the bathroom and leaves. Not a second passes before Kyooga takes the vacant seat beside me and, you guessed it, she also starts making out with me. Then Kyooga leaves, so I look to Hank and say:

"Dude, what the fuck? Who should I pick?"

We both agreed that, while Kyooga was the better looking of the two, Berries was the sluttier one so Berries would be more likely to fuck me that night. Plus Kyooga was hammered and most likely wasn't certain of what she was doing, so I, reluctantly, chose Berries over Kyooga.

Its like 5pm now and I'm still on an empty stomach and Bruce, Hank, Bruce's girlfriend, Berries, and I decide to head back to Bruce's girlfriend's house. So the second we get there, Bruce and his girlfriend disappear to her room and Hank, Berries, and I are hanging out in the living room. So I'm not sure how it started, but next thing I remember, Berries is giving me a handjob under a random blanket and Hank is totally aware of this and is just farting to fuck with us.

So I'm trying to get Berries to give me a blowjob but Berries doesn't want to, and obviously this isn't stopping my drunken attempts.

Then, all of a sudden, there is a knock on the door and we answer it to reveal...duh duh duh....Kyooga! And she is upset because she got into a fight with 65%. So, Hank is trying to cheer her up and I intervene and say:

"I know what will make you feel better!"

She asks what.

"KYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGA!"

And yeah, that worked.

So some time passes, and its getting dark out, and Berries is starting to chafe my dick so I yelled across the house to Kyooga:

"Hey, you wanna finish this?"

This pissed Berries off more and she insisted we were finished and started to pass out on the couch. Then, when Kyooga was coming to pass out in the living room, she decided to jump on top of me and try to share the couch with us, which I was down with, but Hank insisted she share his couch instead so she did.

So I asked Berries one more time if she'd suck my dick and she said no, so I got up, went to the bathroom and finished myself off into the toilet. I cleaned myself with the toilet paper, flushed it all down, and returned to the couch where Berries actually had the nerve to ask me if it was her turn now. I obviously said no.

So maybe about an hour passes and everyone is passed out, and I'm half asleep, half drunk on the couch when I hear Bruce's girlfriend get up to use the bathroom. I then hear her come into the living room and, before I write this conversation, allow me to say that, looking back, no one in the room probably had any clue what I was talking about or probably thought they were imagining it. Also, looking back, I figure she made this statement more as a precaution than a realization; There was probably nothing wrong with the toilet.

Well, Bruce's girlfriend comes into the room and announces:

"Just so you guys know, don't flush paper towels down the toilet, it will clog."

Well, half drunk half asleep me decides to answer:

"My load clogged the toilet? I'm the fucking man!"

...This was the first time my cum was accused of doing unusual things. The laptop incident would follow this two weeks later.