Sunday, February 27, 2011

Why I Hate Beard

So last night Beard and I went to Chillbar and I spent 100 bucks on their expensive foreign beers like a retard. I did score a few free shots however by telling people my birthday was coming up!

Anyway towards the end of the night I saw a cute ass girl talking to some local guy, she looking very uncomfortable the whole time. So I walked over(Captain Savajo to the rescue) and got this guy away. I started talking to this girl and I found out she was in the super slutty sorority(score!).

So we talked for a while, all while Beard looked rather bummed out. I think I bought her a shot or something and soon last call happened and I realized that she was kinda drunk. I went to say goodbye and I went in for the kiss but she, in turn, decided to give me a hickey...Who the fuck gives hickeys at the bar? Usually if you're old enough to drink, hickey time has ended. Anyway then I went in for the kiss again and she started biting and sucking on my ear. Well it doesn't take a genius to ask, "So you wanna come back to my place?"

She said yes and her, Beard, and I got into our taxi heading home. I'm not entirely familiar with this incident, as I had not recalled it at all until Beard told me, but maybe her drunkenness/sluttiness started showing because all of a sudden Beard started calling her a "Drunk Whore" and "Stupid Slut," all while I'm just sitting there calmly saying "you're not a slut," or "you're not a whore." Then I'm not sure exactly what happened but I told the taxi driver to drop her off in front of the University and he did.

To put this in perspective, a drunk slut wanted to fuck me and I was down until Beard acknowledged that she was a drunk slut so I made the taxi driver drop her off in front of the University, with about a 20 minute walk to her dorm ahead of her. Seems I went from Captain Savajo to Captain Losajo.

So then Beard and I got inside and he apologized for cockblocking me(I hadn't even noticed that he did). Wanting to salvage something, I texted the girl:

Me: Hi sorry my roommate was an asshole
Her: Yes he was.
Me: I'm sorry if I was an asshole too
Her: K.
Her: (ten minutes later) whatever.
Me: I'm still up if you wanna do something
Her: Yeah, I don't think so
Me: Good night

Then today I showed Mac her facebook page and he informed me that he fucked her roommate. This school is too fucking small. Also, how is it gonna go with Drunkslut? ...I still would very much so like to fuck her, but we'll see how this plays out.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Why I Love Beard

Well to set this into context, so CWG and I haven't talked since Tallcunt got in my face for no reason at all...and I'm in no rush to fix this. I did find out, however, that CWG was gonna be in town tonight, so I basically avoided going out...I even got a terrible stomach ache and decided against going out altogether...but Mac and Beard convinced me to come out with them so I went.

Anyway, the three of us went to Clubbar and I wound up making out with some random girl for a little while. Me and this girl were actually getting really close until something suddenly grabbed me from was fucking Tall! Tall swooped in and cockblocked me AGAIN and I proceeded to shit on her for like 20 minutes, saying how I thought she was ugly and only fucked her for the story etc. I did get to run into my girl again though and we made out again before the bar decided it was time for last call.

After last call, and the bar was closing, I realized that I had to take a piss, so we headed to the pizza place nearby. When we got outside, however, we learned that we had just missed what must have been an epic fight because there were 238482343 cops outside.

So we get to the pizza place and something tells me CWG is probably inside of it, so I'm weary and looking around trying to spot her. I get safely to the bathroom anyway and then return to see CWG standing directly behind Beard, so I tell him(her and Beard have never met) that CWG is behind him. CWG actually takes a seat right up against the front window of the pizza place(this is the same pizza place, for the record, that CWG and I got into that fight in and I wound up calling her a cunt in front of 2834823 patrons). Anyway, Beard sees that she is seated right at the front window and runs outside, turns his back to her, and drops his pants, successfully mooning her. Although I was against the idea at first, the look on CWG's face was absolutely priceless. and something I wouldn't trade for the world.

So anyway our taxi home pulls up and we jumped in along with a few other people. After we were sitting in the cab for like 30 seconds, we witnessed another fight break out behind us and a bunch of cops ran in to break it up. To our surprise, our cab driver ran out of the cab as well...turns out the person getting arrested was her sister.

After about 20 minutes of watching our cab driver try to negotiate with the cops, she finally took us home. Kinda absurd night that escalated in the end...pretty proud of Beard for mooning a girl for me...not a lot of people can say that their friend mooned a girl for them. I still cannot get the look on her face out of my head, something like this emoticon: :O amazing.

Addition: I went out to eat with Beard and Mac this morning and we were explaining what happened to Mac. As we explained it, we overheard the table beside us explaining the same exact incident. To our surprise, the kids we shared the taxi with were seated at this table! This school is too damn small.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Mikee and The Cougar

This will be a brief post while I wait for Mac to get out of the shower so I can take a long ass shit and brush my teeth but I just got home and had a very, lets say, interesting night.

Okay so I went out with Ben and New Zeland and CWG was visiting so I saw her for a little while, that is, until her tall ass cunt of a friend got mad at me(I'm still not entirely accepted amongst her friends because of the whole cunt thing) and started yelling at me, so I walked away and ran into Greg who told me to come with him to Clubbar.

So I'm in Clubbar and I'm pissed at Tallcunt but I started talking to some random girl sitting at the bar. Now I was pretty drunk, and I feel I had no way of knowing this, but said random girl was actually 45 years old. We're both getting drunker and drunker and I tell her about CWG and Tallcunt. She replies by saying I don't know how to make a girl orgasm...well, now I have to prove that I do. So at about 1am, we started walking to her house.

So I get up to her bedroom and there are all these pictures around of a cute young girl in a band uniform who, Cougar assures me, is her daughter. Now you know you're fucking someone too old for you when you would, and legally could, fuck their daughter.

Well anyway we get to fucking and she has that big child birthed vagina that I fucked regardless, and I guess I made her gasm but I'm not entirely certain. I know I came a few times, one time she swallowed it and another time she couldn't get down there quick enough, so she just kinda cleaned the cum/russian potato chips off my dick with her t-shirt...moms.

Anyway, after its all said and done, she gives me the best compliment ever:

"You have a really nice you should be a dick model."

Well there's no need to evaluate on why that's awesome.

So anyway morning comes and I wake up next to a cougar, who is snoring like there's no tomorrow, and I think "WTF did I do last night?"

Then Cougar starts talking to me about CWG, saying I should find a new girl. On top of this, she left the room to make a phonecall real quick and then returned, assuring me that she just broke up with her boyfriend. I didn't really think anything of this.

Then she asked me what year I was in school, I said "Super Senior," and she asked if I knew her daughter, as her daughter is a senior at the University. I looked at the picture again and slowly realized that her daughter does look familiar, but I'm not certain where I'd seen her before.

So anyway I get my ride home with the Cougar and I go upstairs to prepare for class. I head over to my class and while my teacher was talking about Keats or something, I was just seeing myself shove both my hands into the cougar's baby ridden vagina simultainiously. Then I headed to my second class, which is a bigger collection of non english majors and, well, I realized why Cougar's daughter looked so familiar...yep, she's in my class. This was the first time ever in my life that I could look at someone and think "Hey I had both my hands in your mom's vagina six hours ago."

Sunday, February 6, 2011

This School is Too Damn Small

So due to a technicality, Ben is back in school for 2 more semesters! He now lives with New Zealand a few blocks away from me so we get to hang out often. (New Zealand, who is now hooking up with RA's best friend).

I'm gonna sum up my Friday night real quick here. So Bff came up to visit, Jungle got sloppily intoxicated, some Spanish girl with no teeth named Florida tried to hit on me, and, oh yeah, Chantgirl was hanging out with us. So all night Chantgirl was grabbing my dick and trying to get me to acknowledge, and Ben was getting pissed at me for not pursuing her, however, if you remember Chantgirl, she does have a boyfriend who just got paroled. On top of that, she is 24 and doesn't go to school here, which, in all honesty, makes her a local, and means this boyfriend probably has local ties that could fuck my life up tremendously, so even though she is sexy as fuck, no thank you Chantgirl. But alcohol soon set in and I got me another blowjob anyway.

So last night George Costanza came up to visit and Ben decided he would throw a party at his house. I migrated over with Beard and Bigirl and we let the party begin, Beard spending the whole night being uncannily good at beerpong and uncannily shitty at kings.

So there was a large group of sophomore girls at the party and we were mingling with them. I have no clue what I said to this one girl but she kept insisting I was the funniest person she ever met and she kept migrating back over towards me and I kept fucking with her, saying she was creepy and whatnot. In the mean time, Beard was making progress with another girl and, finally, we convinced both of them to come back to our house.

The four of us left, walking through the streets of ice and melted ice, aka, ice and deep deep puddles. At one point, Beard's girl just fell and slid on her ass for like ten feet, it was hilarious. But anyway, we get back to the house and we all sit around in Beard's room and we start talking.

Now I'm not sure how this came up exactly but my girl suddenly heard Beard's real name and said:
"Wait, did you fuck Heather?"
Beard had no clue what she was talking about.
"...Heather with the teeth!"
Then I remembered! Heather with the teeth is the ugly ass girl Beard brought home in "The Racist Roommate," post, aka, the night I had to walk her racist bitch of a roommate home just so Beard could get laid. Might I also add in this story, the racist roommate kept insisting she was afraid of black people and, at one point, tripped over the curb and smashed her face into the pavement.
So anyway, the whole thing clicks and I stand up excitedly laughing at Beard, declaring "THAT WAS THE UGLY ASS GIRL YOU BROUGHT BACK HERE WHILE I HAD TO WALK HER RACIST BITCH OF A ROOMMATE HOME!!"
Everyone laughed, that is, except for Beard's girl, who waited for the laughing to stop, and calmly looked over at me: "So um, I'm a racist bitch?"
Well this hit me right away, The Racist Roommate was totally in my house right now and, not only did I totally not recognize her, I totally just called her a racist bitch! Thankfully she wasn't mad, mostly because "I was a very nice guy," but I did take this opportunity to point out her racism. I also realized that every time I had been walking somewhere with this girl she, somehow, busted her face on the pavement....clumsiest racist ever.

So I took my girl into the living room so Beard could be alone with The Racist Roommate but nothing happened there because he is not me so he doesn't have the uncanny ability to bang roommates. I made out with my girl a little but then they went home and we reveled in our absurd night.