Monday, June 14, 2010

Old Story: "Actual Tanya Awesome and Cute"

So back in Fall 2009, Ben decided to have a huge party on the first Saturday of the semester and employed Hank and I to work the door/help him out in case someone got out of hand. We were expecting the party to be a bust, seeing how we didn't really have any connections to the younger kids who would usually attend such a random party, especially one this far away from school, but holy shit were we wrong.

This night also marked the first time I actually hung out with Bigirl outside of school, and I was hooking up with her at this time, so Hank and I arrived at Ben's house with Bigirl and Bigirl's roommate at the time, who I will refer to as "Grown-ass Lady(GAL)." I call her GAL because after hanging out with her a few times, I noticed that although she was only 20, she was essentially a grown ass lady who lived the life of, and had the mindset of, a 30 year old girl who was done having fun at college. Now Hank had decided that he would try and hook up with GAL, mostly because he was one of the best wingmen I ever had.

So the night starts off with just the four of us, Ben and Bruce at Ben's house playing beerpong. Bruce and I are, by far, the greatest beerpong team ever, and as we start winning our first three games against Ben and Hank, suddenly 200 freshmen show up ready for the first Saturday night house party of their collegiate lives. The catch is, we're still winning at beerpong, so I have no ability whatsoever to work the door seeing how we were doing so good.

I kid you not with this next fact. Bruce and I went 18-0 on the beerpong table that night before retiring to try and enjoy the party, myself to try and spend time with Bigirl. To qualify this, I was pretty drunk now but Bruce, who drinks like a champion every night of his life, was still relatively sober.

So when I meet back up with Bigirl, Hank, and GAL, GAL has met another kid who was fresh off the boat from New Zealand and had the greatest accent ever. Upon learning that I was hooking up with Bigirl, New Zealand took me to the side to ask for pointers on how to get with GAL. He says

"The problem is, I have a girlfriend...but I don't feel bad about cheating on her if its with an ugly girl."

So New Zealand becomes my wingman, but Bigirl feels sick and has to go home, so I get her a ride home with a friend of mine, and New Zealand leaves with her and GAL in order to get some action.

So then the night winds down and there are only a few people left, most of whom are hot girls. Ben and I jump onto the pong table to play against this team of two really hot girls, one sexy ass blonde and one cute brunette, who are both, for some reason, dirty at beerpong. After our game, which I don't remember winning or losing, I start talking with the two girls and tell them about "how many parties we plan on throwing," and get their numbers in return. It was great because I got both their numbers separately, so I entered the blonde in my phone as "Susan cute," and I entered the brunette in my phone as "Tanya awesome and cute."

So Tanya, who clearly is into me, asks me to call her number so that she has my number too. So I call her number and it rings and rings and rings and eventually I get an answering machine. So I ask her why and she looks at the number and says:

"Oh, my bad, I gave you my house number."

...Seriously? Who the fuck gives out their house number at a college party by accident? So she gives me her cell number and I save it under "Actual Tanya awesome and cute." Then we make out for a little, which was fun, and the two of them have to leave because their ride is here to pick them up. In the conversation, I learn that their ride is from a rugby buddy of mine and I tell them to tell him I said whats up.

So now I'll get to the purpose of this story, and that was what has occurred in the months to follow. I'm not 100% certain whether or not I ever saw Actual Tanya Awesome and Cute ever again because, for the life of me, I could not remember what she actually looked like...I regularly texted her every time Ben had a party, and even a few more times to hang out, and although she did reply and still seem interested, we never actually hung out again.

Then it occurred to me that there cannot possibly be that many girls in my school named Tanya, so she should not be that hard to find. It also occurred to me that one of the younging's girlfriends, who is in the same year that Tanya was, is also named Tanya. I actually got somewhat worried and began to wonder if this was Actual Tanya Awesome and Cute...and I had made out with the girlfriend of one of my new roommates before even actually "meeting" her. So one night, when hanging out with Younging's Tanya, I texted Actual Tanya to see if her phone beeped, but it did not.

I also got the idea to ask my rugby buddy about her and he successfully told me about Susan, but did not remember her friend Tanya at all.

As for New Zealand, he never hooked up with GAL again, but I run into him every once in a while and we discuss that night. He even showed me a text from her once, from about a month later:

"Can you please come over? I wanna suck your dick so bad."

It kinda made me wish I had an Australian accent, but whatever.

It has gotten to a point where if I meet someone named Tanya, I have the thought in the back of my mind that this might be her, and I want to ask her "hey so did we make out at a party once and then you gave me your house number by accident?" but that seemed creepy.

So Tanya, if you're out there, I am still interested...I just have no clue what the fuck you look like.