Shout outs, Curb, Lost, and Pissing out a Window

Now CWG has a radio show and Tuesday was her last show before graduating. The catch is, it is a country show and I HATE country music, but she assured me to listen anyway because she would give me a "shout out." Sure enough: "This is to my friend Mikee, the best writer I know, and yes, we are on for tonight." ...and then she started playing "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy."

So after listening for an hour to hear this shout out, I went to Xos's office, as stated in the post beneath this, and then got a call from Ben while I was leaving asking if I was down to have a catch, so I drove to Ben's house and parked in his driveway just as it started pouring rain.

Long story short, Ben and I wound up hanging out inside watching Curb Your Enthusiasm, and I told him about the shout out and he responded saying that I should go to the bar dressed like a cowboy(save a horse, ride a cowboy)...I put a decent amount of thought into it, he even had a cowboy outfit to give me, but I changed my mind.

So then after two hours of watching Curb, I proceeded outside to where I had a Curb moment of my own. As I got into my car and started backing it out of the driveway, someone pulled up in another car and parked right behind me, blocking me in. They then proceeded to get out of the car and walk into the gas station next store. So then I get out of my car and follow him, intending to say something like "wtf, buddy?" But I get into the gas station, and he is nowhere to be found...so I bought a bag of chips and returned to my car.

Then after a minute of him not returning, I went back inside and asked the attendants if they knew whose car it was and one of them came out and moved it...weird.

So anyway, I get prepared to go to my last wing night of the year with The Bff, Bigirl, and Jungle...quick introduction of Jungle, she is a black girl with a ridiculous body, and if the situation arose where I had to pick a black girl to bang, it would be Jungle. But anyway, we sit up at a table in the front and I'm watching the door waiting for CWG to come.

While waiting, Jungle asks me to give her a neck massage and I do for a few minutes but soon I abruptly stop saying, "I better stop before my fingers turn black." It was funny, guys, I'm not an open racist asshole.

So CWG comes at about 8:30 and I introduce her to everybody, and I buy her a drink and then she apologises and says "Lost is on!" She offers me two options, come back to her house and watch Lost with her or wait till Lost is over and she'll come back. In retrospect, I guess I should have watched Lost with her, but I have spent seven long-ass seasons avoiding that show...apparently what I imagine to be the greatest vagina in the world was not enough to get my drunk self to watch an episode. So yes, I was cockblocked by Lost.

Anyway, I ditch these three girls in favor of Hn2 who, reluctantly, met me at Pub Bar where we run into my friend Jegabombs and continued drinking...she, having driven there, absolutely hates me for this moment. Of course, the first thing Jegabombs asks me is, "Mikee, is this the girl you're fucking now?" This is classic Jegabombs, every girl he sees me with is "the girl I'm fucking now," so, as much of an asshole as it makes me, I say yes. Too bad Hn2 overheard this and is now super pissed at me.

So I continue texting CWG, while sitting here with "the girl I'm fucking now," and I realize she is not coming back out but we make plans for an epic cinquo de mayo date instead, and I'm not too mad about this.

Then Hn2 drives me back home and we go into my apartment and hang out with the youngings. Now I am hammered, by the way, and I somehow make the rash decision to rip the screen off our living room window and take a piss out of it. We then proceed to take a roll of toilet paper, one of our last ones to be exact, and roll it out the window, down the small roof, and into the parking lot five stories down...basically the same trail my piss took. I then recant my story of Friday night to the youngings who love when I engage them in story time...I love how young people idolize the old story tellers.

So then I pass out, keeping in mind I have to wake up at 9, read 7 short stories, and go to my last creative writing class at 11am. I am, then, awoken by a text from CWG at about five am telling me about Lost...like I care. Here is our text conversation:

"I am so sorry I didn't come back last night, but tonight will be worth it."
"It better be, I can't believe you ditched me for Lost."
"Haha I can't help it..last three episodes! Plus this episode was AMAZING"
"Did they finally get off the island?"
"No but a bunch of them died."
"...in a plane crash?"
"Hahaha noooo...in a submarine."
"..."
"Hahahaha it was great, you should start watching it."
"Pass."

So then we proceed to go to our final class together ever and I call out the dick kid on being a dick all semester and then all the guys in the class collectively came up to me, including dick kid, and suggested we smoke a blunt together. I chose not to for no specific reason...okay there was a reason, I had a meeting with Xos that I totally blew off.

Anyway, I get back to my apartment and Smelly tells me that the ra asked him about the toilet paper going from our window to the parking lot and said the landlady plans on getting the cops involved. I then recall pissing out the window and find our decimated screen lying on the living room floor.

So, later on in the day, I spot the ra and I say something along the lines of, "Oh yeah, before I forget, our screen got destroyed by the wind last night and its all bent out of shape now." So she proceeds to tell me about the toilet paper and I say, "yeah, the screen blew off and knocked everything on the windowsill all over the place, the wind that bad." So now I gotta go meet with the landlady tomorrow morning and act like this mystical wind blew the screen off our living room window and knocked a roll of toilet paper, which was for some reason on the windowsill, out the window in such a way that it uncoiled for five stories before landing in the parking lot...fun.

Well that's it for now, I guess I'll let you know how this date goes tonight.

My Meeting with Xos, The Retard

So, in order to graduate next semester, like I thought I would be doing before I got suspended from school, I had to take a couple of classes this summer. In order to keep up this facade up with my parents, that I am still in fact a student, I deem it necessary to actually take these summer classes.

Now for some reason, taking summer classes is a long, complicated process, I can't just have my advisor sign off on it, since I was on Academic Probation, I needed to go the Dean who needs to call the President, who needs or organize a meeting in the fucking Oval Office or some shit before I can get any approval to take a summer class...Oh, how I love the lack of encouragement for students on probation to continue their education.

So anyway, I set up a meeting with the Dean of students on academic probation, looking online to find out where his office is and how I can see him. Long story short, I find him listed online and his name is Xos...Xos...Now I am sitting at my laptop thinking "what the fuck, how do I even pronounce that?" You're gonna put students with bad grades in a position where they have to talk to someone whose name is so fucking retarded that you can't even pronounce it. Naturally, I can't call his number and make a meeting with him...because his name is Xos and I have no fucking clue where to even start pronouncing that.

So I take a walk down to his office holding all the papers I need to be signed...I also took my textbooks with me and made $150 selling them back. Anyway I arrive at his office and, I recall reading online that he would be in his office from 8-5 every day, so I arrive at about three. I walked up to his door and tried to get inside, but it was locked and there was no one around. I looked at his schedule printed on the door and there was the reason, on this block schedule, for the time between 2 and 3, it just says in black letters, "Running."

Now seriously University, are you paying this fucker to go running every day for an hour? who allows this? Try that shit in New York and you'll get fired in a second, but in Pennsylvania, its fucking acceptable to just leave your office for a run, as long as you leave a note on your fucking door.

So I sit there and wait for this fucker, wasting an entire hour of my life, sitting here in this office while people walk past and think "oh this kid fucked up if he has to see Xos." Finally, this short, bald, south African guy comes walking up and walks into the office, without saying a word to me. I sit there for a second and think, "is that him?" So I get up and start inside.

So Xos...its pronounced "Christos." What the fuck.

Anyway I tell Xos that I need his signature on these papers so I can take summer classes, which I am allowed to do while suspended, and he brings up my transcript because this is relevant. Now Xos has a heavy ass South African accent, so I can only understand basically every other word he says. Then, instead of just signing the fucking papers, Xos starts asking me why my grades were so fucking bad...seriously guy?

"We offer free tutoring, why didn't you take advantage of that?"
"Um because every tutor in the world won't help me get up for an 8am class."
"Well that's a commitment you shouldn't have made then."
"...I had no choice, I transferred in and my advisor didn't make my schedule until a week before class."
"You should have dropped them then."
Shut the fuck up, your name is Xos. I didn't come here to get lectured about why I got suspended from school, you South African, cotton mouthed piece of shit.
"I just don't understand why you let your grades get so bad."
"...Can you just sign the papers?"

So then Xos has to look online at the course listings for these classes.

"English Lit 1? It says you already took this class."
"...I didn't."
"Why do you have a grade in it then?" he turned the computer towards me where it says "English Lit 2," with a grade next to it.
"Really, Xos?"

Now I start wondering how fucking easy it is to get this job if they can put this retard in charge of people with bad grades. I also realize that the road to becoming a student again is so ridiculously hard that I feel as though I have single-handily solved the drop out problem in America...we put fucking morons like Xos in charge of our futures.

Then this fucker one-ups himself:

"Oh I can't sign this now."
"What? Why not?"
"Because I have an appointment with someone else."
"What?"
"Come back tomorrow at one."
"...I have class at one(creative writing)"
"...I thought you were on academic suspension."
God dammit, Xos. "How about I come back at 3?"
"...That's when I go running."
"So? Sign my papers then go running."
"Why don't you come at four?"
Now I'm getting frustrated and I seize the opportunity. "No because at four I plan on getting shitfaced with a hot girl from my creative writing class, which I still attend because I want to bone the shit out of her...you sir are the most pointless man on this campus, I will see you at 3 tomorrow, and I find it absurd that the university pays you to go running."

Now, assuming I've offended him, I got up and started out, but he just sat there and laughed. It was weird, it actually made me pause in his doorway and look back at him just in time for him to say, in his deep South African voice, "use protection."

Now while Xos was retarded, I think I made his day by being so blunt. I feel accomplished.

Old story: Overflowing the Wrong Toilet

Here is a story from the Fall 2009 semester.

So it is a Saturday night in October, I want to say, and we get ready to head out to the bar. Now, this is before I banged any hot neighbors, before Smelly was my roommate, and before Bigirl turned 21, so it is just The Bff, myself, and Hank.

So Hank drove home earlier in the day for court, he had just gotten his third dui and had to meet with his lawyer...he had another meeting with his lawyer the following morning, but decided to get drunk anyway for the night between. So he comes strait from home ready to drive me and the Bff to the bar, and when we go outside to his pickup truck, I find that he has a lawnmower in the bed. I ask "Hank, why do you have a lawnmower in the bed of your truck?" He replies:

"I found it on the sidewalk, some gardeners left it out beside their truck."
"So why do you have it?"
"Oh, because I'm gonna take it home and sell it."

So there's three of us driving to the bar with a lawnmower in the back and for a moment, I feel so deliciously white trash that I love America passionately. Even so, when we arrive at the bar, there is a group of black people standing outside who proceed to comment on the lawnmower...Hank even engages them in conversation about where he found it and how much he will get for selling it.

So then we all go to the bar and start to get drunk and in time, it gets to be almost two am, and the bar is closing, and Hank says goodbye and drives back home, lawnmower and all. So that leaves me and The Bff, without a ride home...that is, until she assures me that her friend will come pick us up.

Now I was informed this was a friend of hers...not a booty call of hers...so next thing I know, its 3am and we're arriving at this house about three miles from the apartment. The kid who drove us there, and lived there, was an amateur rapper who went by the name Aquaman...he was a very nice kid, but it slowly crept into my mind that he, every day of his life, dressed like Aquaman.

So he leads us up to his room where I take a seat on a random chair and the Bff sits on his bed, before he disappears for a moment. Now sitting here, something catches my eye and that is the three foot tall bong sitting in the center of his bedroom floor. I am eyeing this thing just as he walks in and sees me looking at it: "Oh shit, Mikee, you smoke?"

Now here is my view on weed, I will smoke if it is free...otherwise, I'd feel awfully stupid paying money to cough my left lung out and fall asleep. Well, Aquaman sells weed, so Aquaman smokes up the best friends of his booty call's for free.

Now Aquaman and I smoke out of this three foot bong and The Bff insists we put Family Guy on the television. The catch is, Aquaman lost the remove to his dvd player, so we cannot do anything but press play, and pressing play simply plays the first episode on the dvd and that is it.

So we're watching this same episode of Family Guy for the second or third time and Aquaman starts talking about rapping, and at this point I am way too high to object to anything, so he mutes the tv so he can freestyle. Also, me being the closest one to the tv, it is my job to press the play button again after the episode of Family Guy ends, and once it does, I silently restart the episode.

So now here is my situation, the sun is rising and I am high as fuck listening to a rapper named Aquaman freestyle while watching the same episode of Family Guy for the fourth time on mute.

Suddenly, I have to take a piss. I ask Aquaman where his bathroom is and he tells me, and I think he even said something about not flushing but I was too high to remember. So I get to the bathroom and I look into the toilet, there is no water, there is simply a mess of shit and garbage piled up in the bottom of the bowl, and I am aiming my piss at all of it. Now, I remember having the mental thought that I probably shouldn't flush when I was finished, but I learned something that night, flushing the toilet after I piss is a natural instinct of mine.

So here I am in the bathroom of this house located three miles from my apartment, watching this toilet overflow. Add to this that it is officially morning and I am the third wheel on this booty call. Also, Aquaman has just smoked me up on very good weed, and how did I thank him? I made his toilet overflow.

So I look around the room for a second and look out the window at the main road on which his house is located. I do a few quick calculations in my head and decide I cannot face Aquaman after basically destroying his bathroom, so I climb out the window and walk home.

I'm about to go to the bar by myself more often

So I am wide awake at 9:30 am because I am such a morning person and I hate it.

But anyway, I woke up yesterday and went to my Creative Writing class, mostly because CWG is in it, and what is funny about this class is that there are 3 hot girls, and the other two are both dating guys I play rugby with. But anyway, one kid in the class asked me what I was writing my paper on for another class and I told him I got expelled, and the whole class hears this and then I have to recant my entire story about getting kicked out of school. Then one girl in the class, who is conveniently a lesbian, asked my why I still come to Creative Writing, and I did not have an answer...I did have an answer, but it is not very smooth to just point to CWG and say I want to bone her.

So after class I walk to the food-stop and, sure enough, both of the other girls are there with their boyfriends, so I have to explain, twice, about how I got kicked out of school. Then I run into Shorty, who is a friend of The Bff, and a girl I hung out with a lot last year, and she tells me she's graduating and asks if I am to. So I have to explain, again, to Shorty and her boyfriend, about how I got kicked out of school.

Then I went back to my apartment and played Call of Duty until about six when I decided to go to the gym. I got dressed and walked all the way to the rec center only to find that it is closed. So then I remember this run we used to do for rugby which would take me about a mile away, around a lake, and back to campus, about a 3 mile run. Turns out, I didn't remember this run as well as I thought I did...I ran to the lake and started to run on the path around it when the path suddenly forked, and there was a sign pointing left saying "[trail name] 3 miles," and one pointing right saying "[other trail name] 5 miles." Well I'm not about to stop running, so I go left.

So soon I start simply hiking, and the trail becomes submerged entirely in wilderness. Now, the only thing I have on me is my apartment key, and its like 8pm now, and the sun is setting quick, and I'm on this fucking trail in the middle of nowhere, but somehow I find my way back to the lake and walk home, having traveled about six miles altogether on my feet.

So back in my apartment, I'm talking to CWG about meeting her at the bar, and I'm texting all my friends looking for a wing person. Now this sucks because Hn2 went home, Hn1 is going to a party with her underage friend, Bigirl is not going out, Ben is in Buffalo, and The Bff is going on a date...so I make the drastic decision to walk to the bar by myself.

So I start pregamming with the people I'm playing Call of Duty with...this is something I actually do quite often, and then I start to walk to the bar. Now the walk to the bar is about another mile, and I start regretting it about half way there because I've walked enough miles already to start feeling Jewish. But on my way, I get a text from the Bff saying she is at a local bar and the date is getting awkward, and the local bar is on my route, so I stop in for a couple of drinks.

Now in the bar is the Bff and her date, some fly-ass Greek dude, and then two of the Bff's co-workers who I've hung out with before: Mom and Chant Girl. Now I call her Mom because she is my age...and she has a baby...and I call the other Chant Girl because back in February I hooked up with her and the reasoning behind this, I think, is because I was hammered and just kept starting chants, which I guess is a turn on for her.

So we watch the end of the Lakers game, Fly-ass Greek Dude is a huge Lakers fan, and he has bought me about seven drinks, which makes him awesome in my book. And I'm texting CWG and she's telling me to go to club-bar, which I get prepared to walk to when suddenly Mom offers me a ride. So I take the ride, and somehow we exchange numbers so I have a ride home, and they all go to awesome pub while I walk up the street to club bar.

So Club bar is beyond crowded. I walked in looking for CWG and decided to stop at the bar for a beer. So while I'm waiting, someone taps me on the shoulder, and I turn around to reveal Shorty. So Shorty is in the bar with her female friends, and I decide to buy her and her friend a shot. So this, somehow, means her friend is really into me. Now from what I remember now, and what I remember at the time, her friend was not attractive whatsoever. She was also kinda creepy, as she kept glancing back to make sure I was still beside her, and she also kept making sure that I would come dance with her after we take our shots.

So we take our shots and we go to dance together, and it is really starting register with me how creepy and psycho this bitch is, and I spot Ben's friend on the dancefloor and he gives me a thumbs up, so I give him a throat cut and a head shake and he agrees. Now, with assurance from another guy, I tell Ugly Psycho Girl I have to pee and never come back.

So I walk back to the bar and I run into CWG, and she tells me she cannot find her phone, but I'm kinda drunk now, so I tell her I don't give a shit and keep walking. I run back into Shorty and we start reminiscing about old times and, I'm not entirely certain how the conversation got to this, but I leaned and tried to kiss her. She told me about her boyfriend and I said she was graduating and I wouldn't ever have another chance, so we made out. Then I think I told her that I'd wanted to do that for two years, which is kinda a lie...I've only wanted to do that since like November.

So then I get a text from CWG saying I should meet her at Awesome Bar. Now it is about 1:45, and the bars close at two, so I chug my beer and leave, hoping to get into Awesome Bar just in time. Now as I arrive, I spot CWG standing outside by herself and she tells me that she left and they won't let her back in. Now I am drunk, and I confess my undying love for her and we start making out, and then I call her out on fucking Ben...which seems like a bad idea, but she says:

"Really? That was so fucking long ago, I can't believe you even know that."

Then some girl stumbles out of the bar...its Tall. Now Tall starts hanging on me while I'm talking to CWG, and I'm trying to lose tall, so I call Mom to see if she's ready to drive me home, and in the haste, CWG disappears. Anyway, Mom tells me to meet her at her car and I walk to where she parked, with Tall still hanging on me begging me for a ride.

So Mom comes walking up with some other guy...Mom has a boyfriend and we all know this, he is also the father of her baby...and I tell Tall to ask her if she could have a ride. Tall asks the guy if she could have a ride...and then starts making out with him...so we seize the opportunity and Mom and I get into the car and we drive away. During the drive, she says:

"Don't tell anyone I drove you home."

So I arrive back at my apartment and I walk in to find Smelly passed out in my recliner. Then the Bff calls me and says she's bringing Chant Girl back to the apartment and wants to hang out with me when they get here. So I decide to wait outside for them, but not before I grab some beer out of the refrigerator...and a tray of chicken parm leftover from when Smelly and Orca went to Olive Garden.

So I am sitting on the steps outside of my building drinking beer and eating chicken parm when a taxi comes up and drops a kid off. He comments on my drinking in public and I tell him that I'm not a student anymore so I don't care. I also manage to tell him that I'm waiting for some girls to come and he tells me to come get him when they get there, so I ask him where he lives and he goes:

"Dude, I'm your neighbor."

Now there are four apartments on my floor, and I only talk to the girls in one of them. The other two are full of guys and/or ugly girls, and I think its remarkable how, after almost a full year, I can't say the name of any guy in that apartment. But I tell him I'll come get him and the Bff arrives with Chant Girl.

So I walk upstairs and knock on the guy's apartment and a different guy answers and I, drunkenly, tell him I got girls coming over and his reaction is basically "WTF?" Thinking back, they probably think I'm weird as fuck now, but I assure you, someone in that apartment asked me to come get him!

So I'm hanging out with the Bff and Chant Girl and I tell them about Mom telling me not to tell anyone that she drove me home and they say that she was avidly declaring in Awesome Bar that she would not drive me home, no matter what. I guess she didn't want me to say anything because it would mean she went back on her word...which she did!

So me and Chant Girl are snuggling and its really cute and we start making out and then she passes out. Then I look over at Bff and she's passed out too. Now I am on this couch and I am starting to feel so uncomfortable so I just abandon ship and go back upstairs where I pass out in my bed.

Orca's Birthday...Already Off to a Great Start!

Okay so today is Orca's birthday and Smelly has decided that they will spend it here, with me, while I bitterly sit at my laptop gorging the free alcohol they give me.

Now when I got back this morning, I decided to make myself some coffee. Working to my advantage is the fact that Smelly has decided to clean for the first time all semester, this includes doing the numerous dishes he has let pile up in the sink. In our defense, there comes a point every spring semester, while living in this apartment complex, where the dishes get so piled up that no one even wants to touch them, much less clean them.

So anyway, I find a coffee cup and I fill it with coffee and I take a sip and, mother fucker, all I taste is dish soap. Then it occurs to me, I probably shouldn't have trusted the task of cleaning the dishes to someone who can't even clean themselves properly.

So Smelly and Orca have decided to take a shower together...the only time I see him shower...and how they fit in our minuscule bathroom, much less in the shower stall, is beyond me. I can only imagine the chaffing caused by the metal shower doors pressing into Orca's sides...okay, I grossed myself out.

So anyway I was sitting here in the room when Orca comes running in holding all of Smelly's clothes and both of their towels and yelling,

"HAHA I took his clothes and the towels, now he'll have to walk back naked!"

I mean, I used to wrestle, and we used to have to weigh in before matches in nothing but underwear, and if you were still overweight, you would have to remove your underwear, cup your balls, and step on the scale with pride. So, needless to say, I'm prepared to see the worst.

Then Smelly comes marching into the room holding my fucking hand towel over his dick, and the only thing I could say is "You're washing that."

Now this sucks on a-whole-nother level. See, that is my hand towel, I have brought this hand towel from home so that we would continue not needing paper towels in this apartment. I have reduced the need for paper towels in the kitchen by stealing napkins from the cafeteria every time I go, but as for the bathroom, I think all we needed was a hand towel.

Well now my hand towel has smelly Orca spit covered penis all over it, so happy birthday Orca, here is a hand towel.

Sneaking Beer into the Library/Team Wiener Cousins

Allow me to preface this entry by saying that I HATE having a blog. There is no way to introduce having a blog into a conversation without sounding like a douchebag.

Anyway, so there is a girl in my creative writing class, lets call her Creative Writing Girl(CWG) and she may be the hottest girl I've ever seen in my life. How and why she is interested in me though is beyond my own capable explanation; I think she only likes me because she thinks I'm a good writer.

So we've been making plans to hang out and last night she told me to come keep her company at the library for a little bit while she wrote a research paper. Now just like every college, we have a big creepy library that you can disappear inside of and not find your way out for years, so I figure...I don't know...seclusion could lead to something...and I decide I will go visit her at the library. And as I'm getting ready to leave, an idea comes to me:

A big secluded library and a case of Keystones...think about it. You can take a backpack full of anything inside, its not like they'll check it, and the door alarms will only go off while you're leaving if you took a book with you. The only concern is getting rid of the empty cans, which I figure I can put right back into the backpack. But most importantly, even if I did get caught sneaking beer into the library, what would happen? Would I get expelled, again?

So I walk into the library with a backpack full of beer and find CWG sitting by herself at a table out in the frigin open. I try to hint to her that my backpack is full of alcohol...seeing how I'm not a student anymore, and she knows this, I would have no need to carry books. The catch is, I'm trying to hint this to her without the librarian at the counter right beside her fucking table hearing me say "HEY MY BACKPACK HAS TEN BEERS IN IT."

So finally she gets the hint and we move up to the nonfiction section, at a small secluded table beside the section of books written on James Joyce, and I brought two cups with me, they look like thermal coffee cups, and I pour us each a beer and, we've done it, we're drinking in the library. Now I'm wondering, is this a new low or an awesome accomplishment?

So we talk for a little but soon she gets back to writing her paper and I get bored playing with my phone, so i actually get up and grab a few books about James Joyce. So this is my evening, I am drinking in the library with a hot girl while she writes a research paper, and I read of critical essays on "Dubliners." Needless to say, this makes me want to go find Dubliners, but Dubliners is in the fiction section, so I must make the nauseating trek back downstairs, with my coffee cup full of beer, to find this book.

Twenty minutes later I return with Dubliners and Finnegan's Wake, for some reason, and I'm sitting at this table now reading Joyce. Then about an hour passes, and I realize we have not said a word to each other beyond her asking me for another beer. So she goes:

"You're like really getting into that book, huh?"

So I tell her that, when I was a student, Joyce was my favorite writer, and blah blah blah. Then I even go so far as to read her the last page of "The Dead," (best words ever written IMO) and I guess this sealed the deal because she's meeting me at the bar tonight. So remember guys, when in doubt, quote Joyce:

"Generous tears filled Gabriel's eyes. He had never felt like that himself towards any woman but he knew that such a feeling must be love. The tears gathered more thickly in his eyes and in the partial darkness he imagined he saw the form of a young man standing under a dripping tree. Other forms were near. His soul had approached that region where dwell the vast hosts of the dead. He was conscious of, but could not apprehend, their wayward and flickering existence. His own identity was fading out into a grey impalpable world: the solid world itself which these dead had one time reared and lived in was dissolving and dwindling."

So then I head back to my apartment where Hn2 greets me in my living room with a bottle of Captain. She then proceeds to tell me that her and Hn1 got into a huge fight and they are no longer friends, and Hn1 has deleted her from her facebook, and all this shit. So twenty minutes after hanging out and making a date with the hottest girl I've ever seen, here I am drinking Captain with my cockblock.

Now as we're sitting here, Ben texts me and asks if we are down to come hang out at his house, which I say yes to. So Bruce, who has come up to visit, picks up me and Hn2 and we head out to Ben's house to continue drinking. It is also about this moment when I realize that the sock on my right foot has a huge hole in it, which matches up almost perfectly to the healing cut on the sole of my foot. The reason behind the hole and the cut is because last time I passed out at Ben's house, he thought it would be funny to take a belt sander to my foot. So I make a mental note to myself not to pass out before everyone else again.

So we arrive and play some beerpong, and I tell Ben and Bruce about my drinking in the library with CWG. Then Ben asks what her real name is, and I tell her, and he replies by saying:

"Oh, I fucked her two years ago."

Now am I surprised? No. Am I mad? No. Am I worried now to have both of them together in a room? Yes. However, Ben is not someone who will intentionally steal a girl from me. We started playing beerpong together and he dubbed us "Team Wiener Cousins."

Team Wiener Cousins goes the distance and we win every game we play against Bruce and Hn2, and this whole time, Hn2 is bitching about her and Hn1 getting into a fight and all, and seriously, am I bad person if I am entirely indifferent to this?

So then we run out of beer, and Hn2 goes outside to have a cigarette. So I tell Bruce, who is meeting her for the first time, about how she is a total cockblock and everything, and in my somewhat drunken, angry state, I actually get mad at her for being such a cock block. Then Ben announces that he has class the following morning, and for a moment, I forget that it is actually a Wednesday night and people still have to go to class.

So Ben goes upstairs to his bed and Bruce grabs one of the three blankets in the living room and passes out on one of the three couches. I grab the other two blankets and start to fall asleep on another couch. Then Hn2 comes back in from her cigarette break to find that we are all passed out and runs over to wake me up.

"Mikee, get the fuck up, we're not sleeping here."

But I am drunk and half asleep so I somehow convince her that we are sleeping there. Then she asks me for a blanket, and I refuse to give her one because I'm pissed at her for some reason.

"You have two fucking blankets and you can't give me one?"

I'm not sure why, but I felt like I needed two blankets. I offered her a spot beside me on the couch, but after about two minutes she claimed it was too small of a couch for two people and she settled on the third couch. Without a blanket.

So I woke up at 8 this morning to her, royally pissed off. Yelling at me for not giving her a blanket when I had two, making her sleep there with no pillow, and not saying at the beginning of the night that I planned on passing out there.

Then we walked home together and she gave me a big hug and apologised saying that I'm the only one who cares about her anymore, in light of her and Hn1 getting into a fight.

...Is this a happy ending? I think so. Wtf, my stories aren't supposed to be inspirational.

A Glossary of Characters for Bob

At Bob's request, I will make a glossary of the characters in my life/that have already appeared in the blog:

Hot Neighbor number 1(HN1) is my neighbor and she is hot(obviously). I banged her a while ago and now she has a new boyfriend, but she is also a tool magnet and seems to flock towards only the douchiest guys.

Hot Neighbor number 2(HN2) is my other hot neighbor. She is loud, obnoxious, morbid, and very annoying but hot and sometimes funny. She also will go out of her way to cockblock me after we went to a psychic together, and the psychic told me that she would "hinder my future relationships."

Bigirl is a friend of mine, and a friend of both HN's. She is a cute bisexual girl who talks about sex a LOT, and this attracts all of my guy friends to her instantly.

The Bff is my best friend. She is also a girl. She is hot and people often find it weird that, in the two years we've known each other, we've never done anything, but I tell them that this is because she is not into white guys. She is the best wingman(girl?) ever.

Ben is a former roommate of mine who has a house now off campus. He is a good guy and tends to get very cocky sometimes, only to be funny. He will hit on every girl he sees, even if she is going out with his best friend, and I often get a little worried that he will steal a girl from me.

Hank is another former roommate of mine. We shared a room together in Fall 2009, and lived together all of last year. He is strait up PA white trash, but that is partially what makes him so funny. He has 3 DUI's, pees wherever he wishes, can eat a whole kitchen while drunk, and just plain does not give a shit about anything. He is now a highschool history teacher...go figure.

George Costanza is the kid I shared a room with all of last year. He is twice as nurotic as the real George Costanza, is always worried about getting sick and/or looking weird in front of people. His theories on life can be so laughable sometimes. Oh yeah, he is also convinced I came on his laptop.

Bruce, who has not been introduced yet, was our "seventh" roommate last year, in an appartment that only fit five people. He attended one class a week and always brought the alcohol into the situation. He always drove to the bar, every single night.

Smelly is my current roommate. He has showered 3 times all semester and smells absolutely horrible...basically he'll go a month without fucking but will smell like sex. He is disgusting, he leaves clothes and shit everywhere, and he has a fat girlfriend.

Orca is Smelly's fat girlfriend. She can be fun to talk to sometimes, but can also talk a little too much.

The Youngings are the other three people we live with. They are all sophomores.

Berries is a girl I banged a few times last year, and after each time, I found a convienent way to get rid of her.

Dino is a girl I was hooking up with at the end of last year. She is in the dreaded sorority. I was down with Dino until summer 2009, when she gained about 40 lbs.

Bathroom Girl is also in the dreaded sorority. We had a one night stand last semester and made plans to hang out again which she strongly ignored. She also denied my friend request on facebook, bitch.

Tall is the housemate of Dino and Bathroom Girl, and is a girl I banged this semester. She is three inches taller than me.

Georgia is a girl in my Poly Sci class and is Tall's best friend. She is 24 and divorced, but looks like a seventeen year old, and is originally from Georgia.

Tubbytits is a fat girl with huge tits who wants to fuck me, apparently.

RA is my ex girlfriend who was the building's RA last semester. She is a money grubbing bitch who is currently mooching off her 30 year old boyfriend.

Cousin 1 is my ex girlfriend from highschool.

Cousin 2 is my ex girlfriend from senior year of highschool through about a year and a half ago...yes they are each others cousins...not mine.

RGF, or roommate's girlfriend's sister, is the sister of one of the younging's girlfriends. I banged RGF earlier this semester.

I think that covers everyone important.

On a sidenote, Smelly just opened the closed door to our room, came in, got something, left, and didn't close the fucking door. Seriously, does that piss anyone else off? If the door is closed before you get there, close it when you fucking leave. I'm gonna go kick him off the living room tv so I could play COD and drink with HN2. Good night.

Adding to the list:

CWG, or Creative Writing Girl is a girl in my creative writing class who I am trying desperately to bone before she graduates. She is amongst the hottest girls I've ever seen and she fucked Ben two years ago and I'm convinced she is only into me because I'm a good writer.

Shorty is a girl we hung out with a lot last year and now I scarcely see around. She works at the food-stop.

Chant Girl is a friend of the Bff's that I've hooked up with, I think, solely because I was hammered and I kept coming up with funny chants.

Mom is another friend of the Bff's. She is my age and has a baby.

Fly-ass Greek Dude is the guy the Bff is "seeing."

Jegabombs is a friend of mine from home who goes to the same school as me.

Jungle is a friend of The Bff and is probably the hottest black girl I know.