Goodbye 2010, you were the greatest year of my life, hands down...beating out 2005 narrowly. I have also nominated myself for 2010's biggest douche in the Universe award, and I think I have a good chance of winning it.
So anyway, I brought in 2010 in my basement with my parents and uncles, also joined by Kyle, Joey, Joey's girlfriend, and her cute Russian friend...it was a cheap alternative to Tool Center and seeing the absurd douchebags I went to highschool with. I was not above bringing in 2011 the same way until I learned that Joey would be heading back to Miami before New Years, making this the first new years we didn't spend together(aww). I already knew Kyle wasn't into the bars, and wasn't about to spend it with just him and my family, so I talked to Andrew about plans.
Andrew and I settled on buying tickets to a bar that's about a half hour away, but easily accessible by train, and informed everyone else about these plans...The tickets were only 25 bucks and it was an open bar until midnight...which is actually an absurdly good deal in New York as it would usually cost about twenty to get in and then five bucks per beer from there.
So New Years Eve came and I drank briefly with my uncles in my basement until walking to Andrew's house...if I may add, I have not cut my hair since October, which all my NY friends who aren't Kyle and Joey have given me shit for as if you are a New Yorker, it is required to get your hair cut roughly twice a week. I've gotten by wearing hats in Pennsylvania but I already knew a hat probably wasn't gonna fly at this bar, so I went without, looking like a rugged manly surfer dude.
At Andrew's house we met up with Longarms, Stout, and Brittany....Brittany, for the record, and largely because of me, is now hooking up with Andrew(Andrew finally broke up with his ugly ginger girlfriend....her and Brittany used to be best friends...I really do love Andrew's doucheiness). After a little while, we took a taxi to the train station and bought our tickets to the town where the bar is.
So this is the train station, there are two platforms, one side of each takes you to Manhattan and the other side takes you out on Long Island. Because of the blizzard last week, there are no specifics offered regarding the train schedules currently, so we weren't entirely sure which of the platforms we belonged on. We had also arrived roughly 45 minutes early, and all I had brought with me was my long sleeved button down while everyone else had jackets and were constantly questioning how I wasn't cold. There were also a few other people on the platform, one being a random girl trying to get to Manhattan, who, upon seeing me, asked if I was Guatemalan...Like a douche, I, of course, said yes and she started telling me about her visit to what I just lied about being my home country. This lasted until Andrew, who had been standing with me the whole time, finally told her I was a lying douchebag and she promptly left.
So then anther group comes up onto the platform. In this group were Sprick, Pronk, Jegabombs, Bitter, and a few other people including Pronk's two sisters(twins) and their friend Jill, all of which we went to highschool with. They were all heading to the same place as us so we uniformly waited for the train together...that is until we saw a train go rumbling by the other platform, stopping for a second to pick up people, and then leaving in the direction we were going. About two minutes later it occurred to us that this was our train.
Now we are all standing around beneath the platforms trying to figure out what the fuck to do and how we're getting to the bar, as the next train wasn't set to come for an hour or so. Some time during this I had to pee badly and, seeing how there were a shit ton of cops around, I got an idea. I jumped into one of the elevators that takes you from beneath the platforms to the platform, rode it half way up, pulled the emergency break, and had my own private bathroom in the sky. When I finished I pushed in the emergency break only to find that the elevator wasn't going anywhere...this could have been really bad as I would be stuck in an elevator on new years eve with my own piss, slowly rolling towards my new sneakers...but thankfully it fixed itself and I was able to rejoin everyone else.
Then we saw a short bus pull up to the train station and drop a couple of people off...it was one of those buses that works for a hotel and usually takes people to and from the airport. Sprick got an idea and ran up to the driver to ask him a favor...he even took Jill with him and when the two of them returned we were informed that if we each give in ten bucks, we had a ride. Needless to say we all did, and we piled into this tiny ass bus, Sprick, Bitter, Jill, and I sharing the trunk...Jill essentially laying on the floor beneath us. After the half hour ride to the bar, we pulled up in style...in a short bus. Thankfully we all has tickets so we didn't have to wait on line, and were able to walk right in. Then I started heavily taking part in the open bar.
At one point I went up to the bar and befriended a British guy named Eric. He introduced me to his entourage of girls, one was Persian looking I believe, and I told her, drunkenly, that I was a famous stand up comic with a show next week that will be aired on television(drunk mikee lie). She believed every line of this bullshit and gave me her number, insisting I both get her good seats and reference her in my act, both of which I promised to do.
Then after a lot more beverages, the big ball dropped and everyone celebrated and we all got free Jagerbombs...that is not a lie. So now drunk and horny Mikee sets in and I'm walking around to complete strangers saying "happy new year," and going in for a kiss I either did or didn't get. I found one girl by the bar who was somewhat cute so we started talking. She asked me my age and I told her and then she responded by saying, "Wow you're a youngster." ...Turns out she was 32 years old, but it didn't deter me from buying her a shot anyway. Then DrunkMikee accidentally knocks his shot over onto the 32 year old, which prompts her shaved head friend(they were just friends, she assured me) to get into my face and try to start a fight with me. I was calmly avoiding him, drinking 32's shot in the process, all while 32 was trying to get him to calm down. Behind him, I noticed the bouncers ganging around us ready to kick us both out, and I think I lost my cool for a moment and said something threatening back to him, I don't entirely recall, but after 32 said something else, he apologized and bought me a shot, which prompted the bouncers to back off.
So 32 and I kept talking and we made out a little bit but then they both had to leave, so we kissed one more time, maybe exchanged numbers(I don't recall her name but I think I found a number that wasn't in my phone the previous night) and they left.
Then I saw the bouncers congregated in a corner so I approached to see what was going on. There was a highly intoxicated man passed out on the bar and, as I got closer to him, I realized this was my new British friend. I told the bouncers I knew him and I'd try to wake him up, so I did...but I'm pretty sure Eric was dead and after a few moments of no response from him, I merely left and let the bouncers take care of it.
Then Andrew and Brittany came up to me and assured me that our train was leaving, except DrunkMikee didn't wanna leave, so I stayed alone in the bar.
Its at about this point that I spotted Cashier.
Tangent time about Cashier:
Cashier went to high school with us but she was always quiet and didn't socialize too much. When we were seniors, we worked in the same food store where we became pretty close and actually started to talk a lot(her job in the food store was....Cashier!). After Andrew and I got fired, and Monotone eventually quit, Cashier remained working in the foodstore and she still works there. In recent years, she's pretty much become Ke$ha's persona in the song "Tick Tock," meaning that all she does is get drunk and party, which is pretty cool. She's not a bad looking girl, in my opinion, she is very typical Long Island however.
Also something else about Cashier is that she has an abundance of female friends who I've only met through her. Some of them are cute, and there was one I was trying to get her to hook me up with about two years ago named Susan. Lat night, however, marked the first time I was seeing Cashier in roughly two years.
So I spotted Cashier and we caught up briefly. We did some shots and I even made out with another girl, no clue who she was but I saw her hanging with the group a little bit, so I figure it was one of her friends. Then we started talking about how we would be getting home, so I said I could call my parents and I did...completely forgetting that we aren't in Tool Center, which is roughly 15 minutes away, but instead that we are in a completely different town that's a good 45 minute ride on New Years.
So now we're waiting for my parents to come pick us up and I get the drunk courage to tell Cashier that I always had a crush on her friend Susan. Cashier replies by pointing to one of the girls she was with and saying, "That Susan?" ...Turns out Susan had been in her group of girls the whole time and I totally didn't' recognize her, or say much to her at all for that matter, but Cashier was animate about us actually talking more some day so I'm optimistic.
So my parents finally arrive to drive us home and I walk up to the car with like 8 girls who all need rides home. Oh and one had her boyfriend with her...a kid with a mohawk and a cane who, as there weren't enough seats, shared a seat with me. Happy new year, I'm in my parents minivan sharing a seat with a kid who has a mohawk and a cane, and there are eight girls with us. Then I went home, ate a shit ton of food and passed out...Great way to bring in 2011.
PS...Cashier is very animite about my joining her and Susan tonight in Tool Center...I'm not going because I'm broke and like self cock-blocking.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Hookahs, Cougars, and Highschoolers
I may be doing this a day too soon, as the weekend is not yet over, but I feel this is very much so post worthy, so I must write it!
So to update my life:
1. CWG and I still talk, but I haven't seen her since the night I made out with seven girls and she was number 3.
2. Bigirl and Tall are now close friends
3. Beard has a court date coming up regarding a girl who perioded on his leg.
4. I am currently hooking up with a Jewish girl(Jewgirl) I met at a party one night, she thinks I live at the house I met her at.
5. CCG and Cripple no longer talk, but Cripple and I see each other all the time.
So on thursday Bff came up to visit. She was pregamming with Jungle at her apartment so I met up with Bigirl, Hn1, and Tall at Tall's house to pregame with them. Soon we went to clubbar where we were pretty much the first ones in attendance.
So we get into the bar, me with 3 hot girls, and who do I run into? Cripple and her friends, all of which I know. I also meet Texas and her friends, and that pretty much covers everyone in the bar who isn't a local and pretty much makes me look like the single greatest guy in this entire town as I know every girl in attendance. Soon Bff and Jungle show up too and eventually the place gets crowded as it always does.
Now here I am standing next to Tall, who insists I rub my face in her tits, so I did. Then I realize there is an older lady, with a perfect body by the way, eyeing me, so I look to Bigirl and ask if I should go talk to her. Now also keep in mind, Beard's fantasy is to fuck a cougar, so I obviously will never pass up this opportunity...and upon Bigirl's approval, I approached.
So it turns out Cougar is 42...that is 20 years older than me...she could be my mom. She was, admittedly, a good looking cougar though, like legit. Then we started making out and she told me I was bad...which I guess I am pretty bad. Then Jegabombs and Greg each arrive and I tell both of them I'm about to fuck a cougar...and I text Beard and tell him I'm about to fuck a Cougar and I think I'm the shit. Then Cougar introduces me to her friend and says:
"This is my neighbor, I can't ditch her."
Well I'm drunk and blind to anything that isn't pussy at this point, so this doesn't mean anything to me. Regardless, I'm still making out with a cougar in a crowded bar while all my female friends laugh at me and take pictures. This probably explains why, when I went to the bathroom and returned, Cougar was gone.
From here the night turned into a great pussy search, which unfortunately ended with nothing for me...I did make out with another girl but that was only because she's a slut who tends to greet every guy that way. Then I ran into Flapper.
Flapper is Beard's CWG...I mean, he is in love with her and convinced she is the greatest girl in the world. I call her Flapper because she looks like a flapper, or, like a girl who would have been incredibly hot in the 1920's. But Flapper, every time she sees me, insists on flirting with me and if I may say, I am not above pursuing this while intoxicated. The only reason I didn't do anything with Flapper is because a fight broke out in front of us, and a chair got thrown at Bff, who wound up spraining her ankle...in a most comical fashion.
That brings us to last night.
So Bigirl, Bff, and I got Chinese food, went to the mall where we meet up with Mom and Chantgirl, both of which were happy to see me for the first time since last semester. Then we went back to my house so I could shower but Bff left to meet up with Mom and Chantgirl...which I didn't really want to do. Instead, I decided to go to a party with Beard and I invited Jewgirl who told me she was with nine girls...yes that's like a whole fucking schoolbus full of 18 year old poon. We had Bigirl drop us off at this party and then she left.
After about 20 minutes at this party we learned that Jewgirl wasn't coming. We also learned that the house next-door was partying too, so Beard and I went inside. We won about three beerpong games and all ten of the people present, including about five hot girls, loved us. Then we learned they were all highschool seniors who own the house. We were partying with highschoolers and didn't even know.
Somewhere along this time, Beard gets really drunk and is stumbling all over the house. I met a black girl who is 20 and we start talking in the living room. During this, one of the highschoolers presents their hookah and I insist she light it up, so she does.
So I'm smoking a hookah, talking to a cute black girl, in a house owned by highschoolers who think Beard and I are awesome, while Beard is stumbling over furniture, and stealing beers and dvds. Regardless, I'm hitting it off Blackgirl who tells me her younger sister lives there, hence her being in this house and whatnot.
I asked her where she was from.
She goes, "Northern Manhattan."
"...Harlem?"
"Yeah!"
Then I proceeded to tell her a story where I had to introduce someone who was black and I caught myself, instead of just saying "Black guy," looking over my shoulder for a black person totally forgetting I was talking to one.
So I'm pretty much in on Blackgirl and she gets up to use the bathroom. Beard then comes in and says our ride is here to take us home, so we say goodbye to the highschoolers and, unable to wait for Blackgirl to come out of the bathroom, I point to a picture of another black girl hanging on the refrigerator and say "Tell her sister I said bye." Then some random kid gave us a ride home. Fun night.
CWG is in town tonight...maybe there will be another post.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Mikee's Adventures in Tool Center
I have been back in New York since Wednesday...seeing how I don't go to class or work or do anything with my life I came home to get some money and see my home friends again.
So last night I ate a shit ton of Mexican food and then went to Andrew's house to watch the Yankees game. While watching the game, I decided Andrew would, while also pregamming for Tool Center, give me a haircut, as he insisted he was good at it. Needless to say, I was set on wearing a hat all night as a result.
So soon Pronk, Butch, Longarms, and Brittney(who Andrew is now hooking up with as a result of me) come over to pregame with us. Then the Yankees won and we all decided to go to Tool Center.
We went up to the bar we usually go to and, as I was showing the bouncer my ID, he informed me that I could not come inside with my hat. Uncertain of what I would do, he said I could throw my hat up onto a light outside and he'd watch it...I mean, doesn't seem too smart but he was convincing about it, so I heaved my hat onto a light outside and went in.
We were at this bar for like ten minutes before everyone decided we should go somewhere else, so we went down to another bar in the area, and yes, I had the bouncer get my hat from on top of the light before we left. Here, I ran into like 12 people I haven't seen since summer and we all caught up briefly.
Then I tried to get a shot I usually have in Pennsylvania, but upon asking the bartender to make me one, she told me she had no clue what was in it. Unfortunately, neither did I, so I wound up looking it up on my phone and handing her the phone to use as a guide to making the shot. This rendered more than just a shot...I had an entire mixed drink in my hand now that was orange and fruity looking, but I chugged it and got hammered. Also, I got it for free.
So then I went outside to the smoking area with most of my friends and, I don't know how or why, but someone had a tin of Skoal and they gave me a lip. So I'm spitting into a bottle and I'm drunk when I run into Butch sitting at a table with a familiar looking girl. When I got closer, I realized this girl was the bartender and she insisted I sit with them.
Also at this table however is Burntback. Burntback is a cunt I went to highschool with who I fucking hate. She is ghetto and slutty and thinks she's the shit, and she always has a way to make me feel like shit every time I see her. Also, someone threw acid at her or lit her on fire or some shit because she has disgusting char marks on her back. She also has weird ass nipples(Yes, the whole grade's seen them).
Tangent Time:
Here is an example of why I hate Burntback. In December I went to Tool Center with Longarms and Andrew and they ran to the ATM before going inside, so I went in by myself. Inside, I spotted Burntback, who is 22 years old for the record, and I assume that means she has probably grown up significantly since the last time I saw her. Instead, she goes "Oh, so you come to the bar by yourself, Mikee?" Fucking cunt.
Anyway, she is now 23 years old and still a cunt. But, getting back to the story, this table is me, Burntback, Bartender, Butch, and some random girl. Then she starts right away being a cunt towards me saying,
"Oh, I haven't seen Mikee out in a while, I didn't think he actually came out..."
I didn't say anything.
"Mikee, what the fuck is up with your hair? Did you like cut it yourself or something?"
No response.
"Seriously, who did you come here with?"
I answered by saying something along the lines of "shut the fuck up."
She goes:
"You're just mad because I would never fuck you."
Well, this is what I do best when I'm drunk with a lip in my mouth....
"Why would I ever wanna fuck you? You are an ugly piece of shit, so shut the fuck up you burnt back cunt with your ugly ass nipples."
Then the table went silent.
She said something along the lines of "Woooooooooowwwwww Mikee...seriously, get the fuck out of here."
Even Butch said, "Seriously, that was fucked up..."
But I made it a point to remain seated at that table for 15 more minutes while she changed the topic of conversation and I quietly enjoyed my victory.
Anyway, eventually Pronk came over and insisted we go back to the first bar, so me, him, Longarms, and some girl Longarms was talking to started to walk back. On the way, I told Pronk about what I said to Burntback and he thought it was great.
So we went back to the first bar, and I had to throw my hat on top of a light again, but when I got inside, everyone left but Longarms and his girl. I hung out with them for a little, feeling like a third wheel, and decided I would call my parents for a ride home(I'm awesome).
So I went outside and had the bouncer get my hat. After he did, I started to walk across the parking lot when I ran into a random girl I didn't know. From what I remember, this girl was a total guidette, fake tan and all. However, I did notice that she was the best looking out of her group of friends and we started talking.
Now I don't know how much time had passed, but she had her arms around my neck and was talking to me and we had started making out. I'm not sure exactly when, but during this a car appeared to my right. Once I realized the car wasn't moving, I glanced over to see my parents inside of it and thought "Fuck me...I forgot I called them."
So I said bye to guidette, got into my parents' car and they asked:
"Who was that girl?"
I answered: "I don't know."
"What was her name?"
"...I don't know."
And that concludes Mikee's adventures in Tool Center.
So last night I ate a shit ton of Mexican food and then went to Andrew's house to watch the Yankees game. While watching the game, I decided Andrew would, while also pregamming for Tool Center, give me a haircut, as he insisted he was good at it. Needless to say, I was set on wearing a hat all night as a result.
So soon Pronk, Butch, Longarms, and Brittney(who Andrew is now hooking up with as a result of me) come over to pregame with us. Then the Yankees won and we all decided to go to Tool Center.
We went up to the bar we usually go to and, as I was showing the bouncer my ID, he informed me that I could not come inside with my hat. Uncertain of what I would do, he said I could throw my hat up onto a light outside and he'd watch it...I mean, doesn't seem too smart but he was convincing about it, so I heaved my hat onto a light outside and went in.
We were at this bar for like ten minutes before everyone decided we should go somewhere else, so we went down to another bar in the area, and yes, I had the bouncer get my hat from on top of the light before we left. Here, I ran into like 12 people I haven't seen since summer and we all caught up briefly.
Then I tried to get a shot I usually have in Pennsylvania, but upon asking the bartender to make me one, she told me she had no clue what was in it. Unfortunately, neither did I, so I wound up looking it up on my phone and handing her the phone to use as a guide to making the shot. This rendered more than just a shot...I had an entire mixed drink in my hand now that was orange and fruity looking, but I chugged it and got hammered. Also, I got it for free.
So then I went outside to the smoking area with most of my friends and, I don't know how or why, but someone had a tin of Skoal and they gave me a lip. So I'm spitting into a bottle and I'm drunk when I run into Butch sitting at a table with a familiar looking girl. When I got closer, I realized this girl was the bartender and she insisted I sit with them.
Also at this table however is Burntback. Burntback is a cunt I went to highschool with who I fucking hate. She is ghetto and slutty and thinks she's the shit, and she always has a way to make me feel like shit every time I see her. Also, someone threw acid at her or lit her on fire or some shit because she has disgusting char marks on her back. She also has weird ass nipples(Yes, the whole grade's seen them).
Tangent Time:
Here is an example of why I hate Burntback. In December I went to Tool Center with Longarms and Andrew and they ran to the ATM before going inside, so I went in by myself. Inside, I spotted Burntback, who is 22 years old for the record, and I assume that means she has probably grown up significantly since the last time I saw her. Instead, she goes "Oh, so you come to the bar by yourself, Mikee?" Fucking cunt.
Anyway, she is now 23 years old and still a cunt. But, getting back to the story, this table is me, Burntback, Bartender, Butch, and some random girl. Then she starts right away being a cunt towards me saying,
"Oh, I haven't seen Mikee out in a while, I didn't think he actually came out..."
I didn't say anything.
"Mikee, what the fuck is up with your hair? Did you like cut it yourself or something?"
No response.
"Seriously, who did you come here with?"
I answered by saying something along the lines of "shut the fuck up."
She goes:
"You're just mad because I would never fuck you."
Well, this is what I do best when I'm drunk with a lip in my mouth....
"Why would I ever wanna fuck you? You are an ugly piece of shit, so shut the fuck up you burnt back cunt with your ugly ass nipples."
Then the table went silent.
She said something along the lines of "Woooooooooowwwwww Mikee...seriously, get the fuck out of here."
Even Butch said, "Seriously, that was fucked up..."
But I made it a point to remain seated at that table for 15 more minutes while she changed the topic of conversation and I quietly enjoyed my victory.
Anyway, eventually Pronk came over and insisted we go back to the first bar, so me, him, Longarms, and some girl Longarms was talking to started to walk back. On the way, I told Pronk about what I said to Burntback and he thought it was great.
So we went back to the first bar, and I had to throw my hat on top of a light again, but when I got inside, everyone left but Longarms and his girl. I hung out with them for a little, feeling like a third wheel, and decided I would call my parents for a ride home(I'm awesome).
So I went outside and had the bouncer get my hat. After he did, I started to walk across the parking lot when I ran into a random girl I didn't know. From what I remember, this girl was a total guidette, fake tan and all. However, I did notice that she was the best looking out of her group of friends and we started talking.
Now I don't know how much time had passed, but she had her arms around my neck and was talking to me and we had started making out. I'm not sure exactly when, but during this a car appeared to my right. Once I realized the car wasn't moving, I glanced over to see my parents inside of it and thought "Fuck me...I forgot I called them."
So I said bye to guidette, got into my parents' car and they asked:
"Who was that girl?"
I answered: "I don't know."
"What was her name?"
"...I don't know."
And that concludes Mikee's adventures in Tool Center.
Monday, October 11, 2010
One more update about my epic Saturday
So upon being tagged in a facebook photo...not only as myself with another girl, but as that girl in a separate pic...and then asking Tall why she did that to me...I learned that there were actually seven girls that let me stick my tongue in their mouth that night.
Unfortunately, I do not know the details of this one whatsoever...I do wonder if this is the explanation for the flickering moment in my memory that a girl tried to give me a handjob, and for some reason, this seems correct. Goddammit my life is unreal.
Unfortunately, I do not know the details of this one whatsoever...I do wonder if this is the explanation for the flickering moment in my memory that a girl tried to give me a handjob, and for some reason, this seems correct. Goddammit my life is unreal.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Additional Information About Last Night
This summary is not available. Please
click here to view the post.
Mikee...Welcome to your life!
In all honesty, I cannot believe I just had the night I had.
So yesterday, Beard woke me up at like 10am so we can start drinking. Now, it was homecoming weekend and Tim and Mac were at the rugby game, but we stayed at the house to hang out.
At about 2pm, after a few beers, Bigirl came over to drink with us. Then at about 4, BFF, who was visiting for the night, came over to drink with us. Then at 8, Georgia joined us for some drinking as well. Then Beard passed out, Bff disappeared, and Bigirl, Georgia, and I walked to the bars.
So its Dino's birthday and I decided to text her:
Me: Happy birthday!
Dino: Thanks Mikee
Me: Np Dino (Yes I drunkenly called her Dino)
So we go to Chillbar but then I get a text from Shorty saying she's at Sportsbar, so I try to convince Bigirl to come to Sportsbar with me. While I was waiting for her, I spotted a girl that looked really familar, and it took me a moment to realize/remember this girl existed, but it was Dino's twin sister. The catch is, Dino's twin sister doesn't even know I exist, so I had to basically walk over to her and say, "Hey, you look like Dino..."
Well then Dino's twin sister pointed to Dino and said she was visiting too. So then I had to buy Dino a birthday shot...then I had to buy Dino's twin sister a birthday shot since twins share birthdays. Then Bigirl and I went to Sportsbar for a little.
So we walked into Sportsbar and the bouncer IDed us and walked away. This prompted me to stand at the door for a moment when a bunch of people walked up and handed me their licenses. So I started to charge them covers, but then my conscious set in and I told them I wasn't actually employed by the bar and I felt like a douche...thankfully they laughed and waited for the bouncer to return.
Then I walked around Sportsbar until I spotted Shorty. I lost Bigirl in this process, but caught up with Shorty, who was now passionately telling me:
"Wait, you fucked my friend Berries. I don't think I wanna talk to you anymore."
So I'm spewing out all these fucking lies, saying Berries and I never fucked...saying stuff like:
"The condon broke...I couldn't cum...she wasn't hot enough for me to finish."
Well none of that was enough to convince her to fuck me again, so I settled on making out with her and went back to Chillbar.
when I arrived, Georgia told me Bigirl had left and I eventually got bored. I went back to Sportsbar but not before saying goodbye to Dino...and as a goodbye, I asked her for a kiss...we made out briefly.
So then I was back in Sportsbar, and I feel like I was waiting for someone because I was just standing somewhere. Then a rediculously familar looking girl started to walk past............
Me: Hey.
.....
CWG: Oh, hey Mikee!
No, I'm not lying and I cannot make this up...CWG(I can no longer call her cuntgirl after this night) is back and I am amazed.
Me: You hate me right?
CWG: No, I don't hate you
Me: how do you not hate me? ...I called you the worst word ever.
CWG: Okay, I hated you for like a week, but I don't anymore
(Now drunk Mikee sets in)
Me: Seriously, I was crazy about you and then I called you a cunt, and I'm pretty sure if a guy really likes a girl, hes not supposed to call her a cunt...(additional rediculous compliments)
I might have said something about her being an important character in my novel(CWG...in the novelized blog) and made her promise not to sue me for deffirmation of character.
Then I told her that I really liked her still...and could use a kiss. Then I made out with CWG again for the first time since like May. Then I texted basically everyone in my phone to say that I just made out with CWG.
Then I walked outside and ran into Bff and Jungle, who were going to CBOS. This had been the first time I saw Jungle in a while, and remember, this is DrunkMikee, so I went up to her, put my arm around her, and said:
"I always wanted to fuck a black girl."
Thankfully, she has a sense of humor and laughed at this. Then Shorty appeared and we were waiting on the long ass line to get into CBOS. Then I decided I didn't wanna go in anymore, so I left.
Now I don't remember if I was by myself or not, but I decided I was gonna go to Clubbar.
So some girl was wearing a tiarra reading "21," which, I guess, means it was her birthday so I decided to buy her a shot. While talking to her though, I saw another girl and decided to buy her a shot too. Neither girl knew the other existed though, so I was standing at the bar buying three cement mixers(for 21 and her friend) and 2 red deaths for me and other girl.
After our red deaths, other girl goes "Thanks....oh btw, I'm gay..." and walks away. So I decided I should walk away too, but not before telling 21 that I wanted a kiss.
Then I made out with 21.
Then I found that other girl and I told her I didn't believe she was gay. She tried to convince she was...by making out with me.
Then I saw Cripple and CCF who I had to buy shots for. Then CCF and I started to make out.
Then I started to walk home by myself. I was on the phone with Bff going, "WTF I am fucking ugly but I just made out with like 23 girl in one night....not to mention CWG...I do not deserve this!"
So looking back, it wasn't 23 girls...but rather six girls...and I still went home by myself. (I'm too lazy/tired to spellcheck/proof read this so fuck off)
So yesterday, Beard woke me up at like 10am so we can start drinking. Now, it was homecoming weekend and Tim and Mac were at the rugby game, but we stayed at the house to hang out.
At about 2pm, after a few beers, Bigirl came over to drink with us. Then at about 4, BFF, who was visiting for the night, came over to drink with us. Then at 8, Georgia joined us for some drinking as well. Then Beard passed out, Bff disappeared, and Bigirl, Georgia, and I walked to the bars.
So its Dino's birthday and I decided to text her:
Me: Happy birthday!
Dino: Thanks Mikee
Me: Np Dino (Yes I drunkenly called her Dino)
So we go to Chillbar but then I get a text from Shorty saying she's at Sportsbar, so I try to convince Bigirl to come to Sportsbar with me. While I was waiting for her, I spotted a girl that looked really familar, and it took me a moment to realize/remember this girl existed, but it was Dino's twin sister. The catch is, Dino's twin sister doesn't even know I exist, so I had to basically walk over to her and say, "Hey, you look like Dino..."
Well then Dino's twin sister pointed to Dino and said she was visiting too. So then I had to buy Dino a birthday shot...then I had to buy Dino's twin sister a birthday shot since twins share birthdays. Then Bigirl and I went to Sportsbar for a little.
So we walked into Sportsbar and the bouncer IDed us and walked away. This prompted me to stand at the door for a moment when a bunch of people walked up and handed me their licenses. So I started to charge them covers, but then my conscious set in and I told them I wasn't actually employed by the bar and I felt like a douche...thankfully they laughed and waited for the bouncer to return.
Then I walked around Sportsbar until I spotted Shorty. I lost Bigirl in this process, but caught up with Shorty, who was now passionately telling me:
"Wait, you fucked my friend Berries. I don't think I wanna talk to you anymore."
So I'm spewing out all these fucking lies, saying Berries and I never fucked...saying stuff like:
"The condon broke...I couldn't cum...she wasn't hot enough for me to finish."
Well none of that was enough to convince her to fuck me again, so I settled on making out with her and went back to Chillbar.
when I arrived, Georgia told me Bigirl had left and I eventually got bored. I went back to Sportsbar but not before saying goodbye to Dino...and as a goodbye, I asked her for a kiss...we made out briefly.
So then I was back in Sportsbar, and I feel like I was waiting for someone because I was just standing somewhere. Then a rediculously familar looking girl started to walk past............
Me: Hey.
.....
CWG: Oh, hey Mikee!
No, I'm not lying and I cannot make this up...CWG(I can no longer call her cuntgirl after this night) is back and I am amazed.
Me: You hate me right?
CWG: No, I don't hate you
Me: how do you not hate me? ...I called you the worst word ever.
CWG: Okay, I hated you for like a week, but I don't anymore
(Now drunk Mikee sets in)
Me: Seriously, I was crazy about you and then I called you a cunt, and I'm pretty sure if a guy really likes a girl, hes not supposed to call her a cunt...(additional rediculous compliments)
I might have said something about her being an important character in my novel(CWG...in the novelized blog) and made her promise not to sue me for deffirmation of character.
Then I told her that I really liked her still...and could use a kiss. Then I made out with CWG again for the first time since like May. Then I texted basically everyone in my phone to say that I just made out with CWG.
Then I walked outside and ran into Bff and Jungle, who were going to CBOS. This had been the first time I saw Jungle in a while, and remember, this is DrunkMikee, so I went up to her, put my arm around her, and said:
"I always wanted to fuck a black girl."
Thankfully, she has a sense of humor and laughed at this. Then Shorty appeared and we were waiting on the long ass line to get into CBOS. Then I decided I didn't wanna go in anymore, so I left.
Now I don't remember if I was by myself or not, but I decided I was gonna go to Clubbar.
So some girl was wearing a tiarra reading "21," which, I guess, means it was her birthday so I decided to buy her a shot. While talking to her though, I saw another girl and decided to buy her a shot too. Neither girl knew the other existed though, so I was standing at the bar buying three cement mixers(for 21 and her friend) and 2 red deaths for me and other girl.
After our red deaths, other girl goes "Thanks....oh btw, I'm gay..." and walks away. So I decided I should walk away too, but not before telling 21 that I wanted a kiss.
Then I made out with 21.
Then I found that other girl and I told her I didn't believe she was gay. She tried to convince she was...by making out with me.
Then I saw Cripple and CCF who I had to buy shots for. Then CCF and I started to make out.
Then I started to walk home by myself. I was on the phone with Bff going, "WTF I am fucking ugly but I just made out with like 23 girl in one night....not to mention CWG...I do not deserve this!"
So looking back, it wasn't 23 girls...but rather six girls...and I still went home by myself. (I'm too lazy/tired to spellcheck/proof read this so fuck off)
Sunday, October 3, 2010
The Racist Roommate
So last night Beard and I went to the other house for the post game party. The team had won an away game, which neither of us attended, but Mack insisted we come to the party anyway, so we did.
We started to pregame and I got Mack to partake in his first power hour, which ended after 20 minutes as he was unaware of how powerful a power hour really was. Then I bought a couple of 40's, as we didn't want to pay for beer, and walked to the house.
So Beard and I were on the back porch hanging out when someone tapped me on the shoulder. It was a cop...it was 11 and cops had already come. The cop asked if I was the owner, I said no and found the closest owner who was over 21, and then someone else assured the cop that the remaining people on the porch were all 21(everyone underage either went inside or ran away). The cop responded by saying we all had to go anyway, and that, unless anyone was peeing in public or had an open container, he would "not pursue us." So I called him a douche and we left.
Beard and I, with our open 40's, went to a party down the block. This party was at a house owned by only girls who were absolutely horrible at crowd control, so this was kinda funny. Then Beard and I had the revelation that parties thrown by girls are usually only attended by dudes, and we realized this house was an absolute sausage fest, so we went back to rugby.
After a little while back here, and upon seeing Mack who was with his new girlfriend...who would be an attractive girl if she wasn't six feet tall, Beard and I started talking to this girl. This girl, who I remember, had large ass gums...a total turnoff for me, but upon learning I was also from New York, she insisted she have my number. This was the second thing I said to her.
So I pulled out of the conversation and let her talk to Beard...who then started to make out with her. Then the girl beside me goes:
"What the fuck? Really?"
I asked her why she had such a startled reaction only to learn that this girl was her roommate. She then went on by saying:
"She always brings home guys...and she is ugly as fuck! And now I'll have no where to sleep because she'll be using the room!"
Well it doesn't take a genius to offer this girl a bed. I also agreed that her roommate was ugly as fuck and offered to walk her back to the dorms...also after telling her that her roomie was getting with my roomie. She replied:
"Good because I don't wanna walk by myself...I don't wanna get raped by some black dude."
I didn't think anything of this, but we watched as Beard and uggo left...me kinda hoping he would take her back to her place so I could bang this girl. He took her back to ours though, as I learned through a text from Mack, and so I finished my beer and started to walk home with her.
As we left, she called her friend. On the phone, she goes:
"I'm walking home with someone named Mikee. He's about my height, has a scruffy beard, brown hair, brown sweatshirt, and white shoes...if I don't make it back."
Now I wasn't sure if I should be insulted or...who am I kidding, I was kinda insulted but I'm used to shit like this. So I grabbed the phone and told whoever was on the other end what my full name was, where i lived, and what my number was. That put her at ease.
Then she goes:
"He's not black, so I should be fine."
This is the point that I realized that this girl was a flaming racist. It was kinda funny because, I mean, she was just openly afraid of black people, and I was walking her home. Then she tripped over a curb because Karma is a bitch and I had to help her up and what not...while saying it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Also, there were a bunch of black people walking too and she made me stop walking so they could pass us...I guess, because she didn't want to get raped.
Anyway, we got back to her dorm and she said goodbye...I kinda knew I wasn't getting any when she needed to call her friend and give out a Just-in-case Amber Alert. But she took down my number, for some reason, and went inside and I walked home...having been an excellent wingman for Beard. It was fun.
We started to pregame and I got Mack to partake in his first power hour, which ended after 20 minutes as he was unaware of how powerful a power hour really was. Then I bought a couple of 40's, as we didn't want to pay for beer, and walked to the house.
So Beard and I were on the back porch hanging out when someone tapped me on the shoulder. It was a cop...it was 11 and cops had already come. The cop asked if I was the owner, I said no and found the closest owner who was over 21, and then someone else assured the cop that the remaining people on the porch were all 21(everyone underage either went inside or ran away). The cop responded by saying we all had to go anyway, and that, unless anyone was peeing in public or had an open container, he would "not pursue us." So I called him a douche and we left.
Beard and I, with our open 40's, went to a party down the block. This party was at a house owned by only girls who were absolutely horrible at crowd control, so this was kinda funny. Then Beard and I had the revelation that parties thrown by girls are usually only attended by dudes, and we realized this house was an absolute sausage fest, so we went back to rugby.
After a little while back here, and upon seeing Mack who was with his new girlfriend...who would be an attractive girl if she wasn't six feet tall, Beard and I started talking to this girl. This girl, who I remember, had large ass gums...a total turnoff for me, but upon learning I was also from New York, she insisted she have my number. This was the second thing I said to her.
So I pulled out of the conversation and let her talk to Beard...who then started to make out with her. Then the girl beside me goes:
"What the fuck? Really?"
I asked her why she had such a startled reaction only to learn that this girl was her roommate. She then went on by saying:
"She always brings home guys...and she is ugly as fuck! And now I'll have no where to sleep because she'll be using the room!"
Well it doesn't take a genius to offer this girl a bed. I also agreed that her roommate was ugly as fuck and offered to walk her back to the dorms...also after telling her that her roomie was getting with my roomie. She replied:
"Good because I don't wanna walk by myself...I don't wanna get raped by some black dude."
I didn't think anything of this, but we watched as Beard and uggo left...me kinda hoping he would take her back to her place so I could bang this girl. He took her back to ours though, as I learned through a text from Mack, and so I finished my beer and started to walk home with her.
As we left, she called her friend. On the phone, she goes:
"I'm walking home with someone named Mikee. He's about my height, has a scruffy beard, brown hair, brown sweatshirt, and white shoes...if I don't make it back."
Now I wasn't sure if I should be insulted or...who am I kidding, I was kinda insulted but I'm used to shit like this. So I grabbed the phone and told whoever was on the other end what my full name was, where i lived, and what my number was. That put her at ease.
Then she goes:
"He's not black, so I should be fine."
This is the point that I realized that this girl was a flaming racist. It was kinda funny because, I mean, she was just openly afraid of black people, and I was walking her home. Then she tripped over a curb because Karma is a bitch and I had to help her up and what not...while saying it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Also, there were a bunch of black people walking too and she made me stop walking so they could pass us...I guess, because she didn't want to get raped.
Anyway, we got back to her dorm and she said goodbye...I kinda knew I wasn't getting any when she needed to call her friend and give out a Just-in-case Amber Alert. But she took down my number, for some reason, and went inside and I walked home...having been an excellent wingman for Beard. It was fun.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)