Well, seeing how I'm not a student, I didn't really have to take any finals, but I decided I would take my poly sci final anyway for shits and giggles.
So before the final, I'm trying to clean my room so I can vacate the apartment in favor of my house on Sunday. As I'm cleaning, with a lip in my mouth, incidentally going through the desk drawer where I keep my condoms, the door opens to reveal Hn2 and her mom...as I'm sitting there spitting black shit into a water bottle holding a box of Trojan Ultra Thins..."Oh hi Hn2's mom, I'm the guy who banged your daughter a few times this semester."
Now one thing strikes me about Hn2's mom right away...she is a fucking MILF! So I guess this partially motivates me to help the two of them pack up Hn2's room and take it to her car. Now this whole time I'm walking boxes of girl shit outside, I still have this lip in my mouth, and I am trying to spit in such a way that Hn2's mom does not see me...and I'm spitting everywhere, like the floor of the stairwell and her apartment floor. Anyway, I help them pack up the car and say goodbye but then I get offered a free dinner, which I think I was obligated to partake in.
I tell them I have to be back by 4 for my final and Hn2 goes "Shut up Mikee, you're not a student!" And then proceeds to tell her mom about my academic blunder. "Hi Hn2's mom, I do spitting tobacco, I keep condoms in my desk drawer, I spit on floors, I fuck your daughter, and I don't go to school here...oh and you're a MILF"
Anyway, we go out to dinner and I say goodbye to Hn2 and proceed to my Poly sci final. Now here is the thing about my Poly Sci class, it is a cast of characters and everyone has a nickname. Here is the whole class basically:
-Myself, Tall, and Georgia
-Dan, who is a friend of ours and the only other person we talk to
-Creepy Sub Guy-a 40-something ex high school sub going back for his education, has ridiculous right-wing comments on everything and a small platoon of female followers, somehow.
-Army Guy-Creepy Sub Guy's Bosley, wears Army fatigues every fucking day.
-Teacher's Pet-raises his hand for every question, the only kid who read the textbook.
-The Southern Duo-They sit by us in the back and do nothing but dip and make comments to each other.
-Blondie-a quiet, cute blond girl who would have probably been drafted into Creepy Sub Guy's army if we didn't sit between him and her.
-Creepy Sub Guy's Army of Women-every other girl in the class
So our teacher, who is about to be fired by the way, walks in and suggests we all come up with nicknames so we can see our grades online without others knowing who we are. He says, "don't pick something stupid like 'banana head.'" So the class laughs and it gets silent for a second, and I point to Blondie and say "you should be banana head!" Keep in mind, I've never said a word to her before, but this makes the whole class laugh at her, and she was kinda embarrassed. Do I feel bad? no, I thought it was kinda funny.
So anyway, we're about to start the final and, somehow, Creepy Sub Guy has a right-winged statement about illegal immigration pending to the scantron that makes his whole army laugh. But anyway, we start taking the test and, about half way through, I realize that my answers don't mean anything...helping me realize this is the fact that Teacher's Pet has raised his hand about seven times already asking a question about every question on the test. So I decide none of this is worth it, and I fill in C as my answer to every question. Also, the "nickname," I picked was my real name because, I mean, come on, I don't give a shit.
Anyway, Hn2 has left me but her MILF mom invited me over their house next weekend for a weekend of cockblocking and MILF watching I guess. I can't wait!
Friday, May 7, 2010
Final Thursday of the Semester, was One Hell of a Drunken Adventure
Allow me to preface this one by saying that I was actually contemplating starting this post while I was hammered and in the bar, making it my first drunk blog ever...but then I realized that I'd have been drunk blogging, which probably goes against everything I believe in....then I lost my cellphone.
Anyway, CWG and The Bff both have the same major and they both headed out at about six on a barcrawl to every bar in town. Meanwhile, I was sitting at my laptop reading my facebook newsfeed which only kept reminding me that people my age usually graduate from college at this point in their lives.
So anyway, I meet up with the entire major, basically, at about 9:30 when they head to club bar. Now I drove there, don't ask me where I parked, but I recall walking past the hotel where some woman walked out as I was walking past. As she exited the hotel, she goes "Everyone here is FUCKING stupid!" Now I'm not sure if she was trying to get me to defend the town or if she was just a crazy person, but she kept saying that same line, "Everyone here is fucking stupid!" I'm walking about twenty feet away, awkwardly trying to avoid her.
Anyway, I arrived at club bar and I learn, instantly, that I legitimately only know two people on this entire bar crawl, and they both know everyone else on this bar crawl, so I'm awkwardly standing there, not blending in because they all have matching shirts, and I'm entertaining myself by watching what might have been the least exciting hockey game ever(Red Wings-Sharks). Now I decide that I have fifty bucks in my pocket, and in order for me to start enjoying myself, I should probably start getting hammered.
So as I'm trying to hang out with this entire major, The Bff starts making out with a guy who, I can only refer to as, King Tool. And then, three minutes later, what does King Tool do? Make out with another girl in the major. Does it make me a bad best friend if I just pointed to The Bff and laughed?
So anyway, me and CWG are doing shots because I'm trying to get drunk and I have money from selling back my textbooks. So every other major is walking into the bar on their own barcrawls, wearing their own matching shirts, and I'm just standing there, not actually a student...it was a sad feeling.
Then King Tool convinces The Bff and I to come to the next bar, and as we're waiting outside, I spot Dino and feel obligated to say hello. As Dino is giving me a hello hug, I realize that the girl standing next to her is Tall, and Tall, now apparently knowledgeable that I banged her entire house, just screams at me, "Mikee you're not fucking any of us tonight!" So I reply by saying something along the lines of "Fuck you Tall! How'd you do on the poly sci final?"
Then we wind up in awesome pub where half the rugby team, and the entire girls rugby team, is out for drinks and I blend right in, having, again, to retell my story of getting expelled to all of them, and the drinks start piling up, and now everything gets a little hazy.
So The Bff and I, and her friend, Actor, end up at Club Bar 2: Club Bar on Steroids. Sure enough, once we arrive, I run into Tubbytits who grabs onto my neck and thinks I can hold her entire weight. Tubbytits is there with her friend, Jersey Girl, who is a very hot girl but, as Ben pointed out, her Jersey roots stand out a little too much sometimes.
Now I'm drunk, and Jersey girl is looking good, so I'm just standing there with my arm around her telling her about how I got kicked out of school. After a while, we exchange numbers, and I guess I must have gave her my phone to put her number into. Then she grabbed my hand and led me to the bathroom to "wait" for her to pee. So as I was standing there, I guess I forgot I was waiting for her, and I went into the men's room. Now the thing about the men's room in CB2:CBOS is that it violates every men's room policy ever enacted. See, in this bar, there is only one urinal, so every guy who has to wait to pee engages in conversations with each other that usually start out with something along the lines of "so how 'bout this line, huh?"
Anyway, the next guy in line to piss is a townie who creepily hangs out at the local bars. I call him 300 guy because he looks like Xerses from 300, and he steps up to the urinal just as the room goes quiet. Now the room is quiet for about two minutes, then all of a sudden, we hear him start to piss and everyone laughs at the guy. Just as we are laughing, King Tool walks into the bathroom, sees the line, and says what may be the single funniest tool-line I've ever heard:
So then its my turn to piss and I place my Bud light bottle on the top of the urinal, but mid piss, the bottle starts to slide off, so I use my cat-like reflexes to snatch it before it falls. This prompts comments from the line all praising my ability to keep my beer from falling.
So I leave the bathroom feeling very accomplished and I go to the bar to get a new beer. As I'm waiting, holding my money out, a bartender places this pink-ass Easter Bunny drink in front of me and walks away. Well I'm not stupid, so I look both ways and I grab the Easter Bunny drink. Now I recall the drink tasting like butterscotch, I had no clue what was in it, but it had to be the most feminine drink I've ever had in my life. Tubbytits even asked me where I got it and I told her some girl bought it for me...total lie.
So Bff, Actor, and I go back to Awesome bar and me and Actor kinda bond because apparently he is also a Jets fan and we must have talked about football for about twenty minutes. He was a good guy. Then CWG comes up to me and asks why I didn't reply to her text, so I checked my pocket only to realize that I did not have my fucking phone. Now I'm drunk, so I am not worried whatsoever, and now I'm drinking with my rugby buddies saying "I lost my phone!"
Some time passes, and CWG disappears, and Hn1 and Bigirl meet up with us, I think I even had them calling my phone repeatedly to see if we could find it, not like that would ever work. I then tell Bff about King Tool's entrance to the bathroom and Hn1 asks what his name is, Bff tells her and, well shit, its Hn1's ex boyfriend. Am I surprised? Hell no, Hn1 is a total took magnet.
So anyway, with CWG gone, I look around the bar and spot Dino sitting by herself nursing some, ironically, pink drink. I took a seat beside her and we started reminiscing about how we used to hook up before she gained 40 lbs...I give her some credit, it took a year but she did lose half of it. I think I even went so far as to tell her that her nickname is Dino, and justify it, "hey Dino is cute, okay?"
...Then I started making out with Dino.
Then some guy, who apparently knew me, bought us each Swift Kicks. I asked him how he knew me and he said he was the guy behind me in the bathroom when I caught my beer without spilling it.
Then I remember talking with Actor about how bad Smelly smells, seeing how they knew each other. We must have spent twenty minutes trying to describe the smell.
So Dino and I walk outside and continue making out, and I tell her that I just cleaned my room and Smelly is gone, if she wants to come over, but just as these words leave my lips, she throws up all over the sidewalk. Now that is my cue to go back inside and forget any of this ever happened.
Then I realize that, fuck, my phone is still missing. Some how, I urge Bff back to CB2:CBOS to look for my phone, because I guess I figured we could find it. Now CB2 has become a club at this point, and I am way too white to be there. Being so white, I think I stood out enough to gauge Tubbytit's attention again and here she is hanging on me as if I was gonna bring her back to my nice, clean room. So we leave again and, its almost 2am, and Bff is trying to figure out how we were getting home. So we started walking.
Of course, I have to get intercepted by Dino and Tall as we walk, Dino telling me to stop calling her and hanging up. I told her I lost my phone and she refused to believe me until my phone actually called her again and I answered it.
...Of course she didn't come over, but I mean, it was worth the try. Long story short, I got my phone, dodged Tubbytits successfully, went home and passed out in Bff's bed. Today, I have no fucking idea where my car is, I stole a whole chicken out of Bff's refrigerator which is in my oven now...I actually just made her come up and check on it, and there are five texts on my phone from CWG asking where I went, why I wasn't with her, and who that girl was I was making out with. Oops?
Anyway, CWG and The Bff both have the same major and they both headed out at about six on a barcrawl to every bar in town. Meanwhile, I was sitting at my laptop reading my facebook newsfeed which only kept reminding me that people my age usually graduate from college at this point in their lives.
So anyway, I meet up with the entire major, basically, at about 9:30 when they head to club bar. Now I drove there, don't ask me where I parked, but I recall walking past the hotel where some woman walked out as I was walking past. As she exited the hotel, she goes "Everyone here is FUCKING stupid!" Now I'm not sure if she was trying to get me to defend the town or if she was just a crazy person, but she kept saying that same line, "Everyone here is fucking stupid!" I'm walking about twenty feet away, awkwardly trying to avoid her.
Anyway, I arrived at club bar and I learn, instantly, that I legitimately only know two people on this entire bar crawl, and they both know everyone else on this bar crawl, so I'm awkwardly standing there, not blending in because they all have matching shirts, and I'm entertaining myself by watching what might have been the least exciting hockey game ever(Red Wings-Sharks). Now I decide that I have fifty bucks in my pocket, and in order for me to start enjoying myself, I should probably start getting hammered.
So as I'm trying to hang out with this entire major, The Bff starts making out with a guy who, I can only refer to as, King Tool. And then, three minutes later, what does King Tool do? Make out with another girl in the major. Does it make me a bad best friend if I just pointed to The Bff and laughed?
So anyway, me and CWG are doing shots because I'm trying to get drunk and I have money from selling back my textbooks. So every other major is walking into the bar on their own barcrawls, wearing their own matching shirts, and I'm just standing there, not actually a student...it was a sad feeling.
Then King Tool convinces The Bff and I to come to the next bar, and as we're waiting outside, I spot Dino and feel obligated to say hello. As Dino is giving me a hello hug, I realize that the girl standing next to her is Tall, and Tall, now apparently knowledgeable that I banged her entire house, just screams at me, "Mikee you're not fucking any of us tonight!" So I reply by saying something along the lines of "Fuck you Tall! How'd you do on the poly sci final?"
Then we wind up in awesome pub where half the rugby team, and the entire girls rugby team, is out for drinks and I blend right in, having, again, to retell my story of getting expelled to all of them, and the drinks start piling up, and now everything gets a little hazy.
So The Bff and I, and her friend, Actor, end up at Club Bar 2: Club Bar on Steroids. Sure enough, once we arrive, I run into Tubbytits who grabs onto my neck and thinks I can hold her entire weight. Tubbytits is there with her friend, Jersey Girl, who is a very hot girl but, as Ben pointed out, her Jersey roots stand out a little too much sometimes.
Now I'm drunk, and Jersey girl is looking good, so I'm just standing there with my arm around her telling her about how I got kicked out of school. After a while, we exchange numbers, and I guess I must have gave her my phone to put her number into. Then she grabbed my hand and led me to the bathroom to "wait" for her to pee. So as I was standing there, I guess I forgot I was waiting for her, and I went into the men's room. Now the thing about the men's room in CB2:CBOS is that it violates every men's room policy ever enacted. See, in this bar, there is only one urinal, so every guy who has to wait to pee engages in conversations with each other that usually start out with something along the lines of "so how 'bout this line, huh?"
Anyway, the next guy in line to piss is a townie who creepily hangs out at the local bars. I call him 300 guy because he looks like Xerses from 300, and he steps up to the urinal just as the room goes quiet. Now the room is quiet for about two minutes, then all of a sudden, we hear him start to piss and everyone laughs at the guy. Just as we are laughing, King Tool walks into the bathroom, sees the line, and says what may be the single funniest tool-line I've ever heard:
"Fucking line, Brosephs? Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight."
So then its my turn to piss and I place my Bud light bottle on the top of the urinal, but mid piss, the bottle starts to slide off, so I use my cat-like reflexes to snatch it before it falls. This prompts comments from the line all praising my ability to keep my beer from falling.
So I leave the bathroom feeling very accomplished and I go to the bar to get a new beer. As I'm waiting, holding my money out, a bartender places this pink-ass Easter Bunny drink in front of me and walks away. Well I'm not stupid, so I look both ways and I grab the Easter Bunny drink. Now I recall the drink tasting like butterscotch, I had no clue what was in it, but it had to be the most feminine drink I've ever had in my life. Tubbytits even asked me where I got it and I told her some girl bought it for me...total lie.
So Bff, Actor, and I go back to Awesome bar and me and Actor kinda bond because apparently he is also a Jets fan and we must have talked about football for about twenty minutes. He was a good guy. Then CWG comes up to me and asks why I didn't reply to her text, so I checked my pocket only to realize that I did not have my fucking phone. Now I'm drunk, so I am not worried whatsoever, and now I'm drinking with my rugby buddies saying "I lost my phone!"
Some time passes, and CWG disappears, and Hn1 and Bigirl meet up with us, I think I even had them calling my phone repeatedly to see if we could find it, not like that would ever work. I then tell Bff about King Tool's entrance to the bathroom and Hn1 asks what his name is, Bff tells her and, well shit, its Hn1's ex boyfriend. Am I surprised? Hell no, Hn1 is a total took magnet.
So anyway, with CWG gone, I look around the bar and spot Dino sitting by herself nursing some, ironically, pink drink. I took a seat beside her and we started reminiscing about how we used to hook up before she gained 40 lbs...I give her some credit, it took a year but she did lose half of it. I think I even went so far as to tell her that her nickname is Dino, and justify it, "hey Dino is cute, okay?"
...Then I started making out with Dino.
Then some guy, who apparently knew me, bought us each Swift Kicks. I asked him how he knew me and he said he was the guy behind me in the bathroom when I caught my beer without spilling it.
Then I remember talking with Actor about how bad Smelly smells, seeing how they knew each other. We must have spent twenty minutes trying to describe the smell.
So Dino and I walk outside and continue making out, and I tell her that I just cleaned my room and Smelly is gone, if she wants to come over, but just as these words leave my lips, she throws up all over the sidewalk. Now that is my cue to go back inside and forget any of this ever happened.
Then I realize that, fuck, my phone is still missing. Some how, I urge Bff back to CB2:CBOS to look for my phone, because I guess I figured we could find it. Now CB2 has become a club at this point, and I am way too white to be there. Being so white, I think I stood out enough to gauge Tubbytit's attention again and here she is hanging on me as if I was gonna bring her back to my nice, clean room. So we leave again and, its almost 2am, and Bff is trying to figure out how we were getting home. So we started walking.
Of course, I have to get intercepted by Dino and Tall as we walk, Dino telling me to stop calling her and hanging up. I told her I lost my phone and she refused to believe me until my phone actually called her again and I answered it.
"Mikee, where the fuck did you go? I told you to wait for me outside of the bathroom!"Then it all clicked...Jersey Girl has my phone! She told me to meet her at Cb2 to get it back, but that, of course, meant dealing with Tubbytits again, so I told her, using Dino's phone to talk to her on my phone, "hey, my roommate moved out and I got a whole apartment to myself, wanna come over?"
...Of course she didn't come over, but I mean, it was worth the try. Long story short, I got my phone, dodged Tubbytits successfully, went home and passed out in Bff's bed. Today, I have no fucking idea where my car is, I stole a whole chicken out of Bff's refrigerator which is in my oven now...I actually just made her come up and check on it, and there are five texts on my phone from CWG asking where I went, why I wasn't with her, and who that girl was I was making out with. Oops?
Thursday, May 6, 2010
The Morning After
Well the task has been done and if I might just say, it was a tremendous effort on my half, and I was even starting to get worried, I mean, getting cockblocked by Lost is pretty pathetic on my part, but when I woke up this morning in CWG's bed, I realized that it was all worth it. I've noticed though that I have a tendency to disappear once the sun rises, if I'm sleeping in someone else's bed and know my way home, mostly because I like brushing my teeth/having coffee/sleeping in my own bed, so at 5:30 am I walked home.
On my way home I texted Ben:
Once I arrived back at my apartment, I realized that there is a large, gaping hole in the ass of my shorts...in my favorite pair of shorts. Don't ask me how that happened, but I decide to change them and head over to Wawa for some breakfast. Now the Wawa closest to the school was crowded beyond like hell, seeing how it was 7:40am and everyone who had 8am finals and wanted coffee to cancel out their cinquo de mayos, so I drove the mile and a half to the distant Wawa in East Bumblefuck, PA.
The only odd part of this Wawa was the locals. While I was pouring my coffee, some lady next to me kept narrating her life: "Okay I need hazelnut, hazelnut or french vanilla? Or hazelnut flavoring? Oh dome lids!" So naturally I ignored her and got on the obscenely long line of townies buying their coffee/breakfast. Then, the creepiest part of the Townie Wawa was the cashier lady who repeated the same phrase to every single costumer she saw: "Have a peachy day!" ...Peachy? Really lady? Peachy? She must have said 'Peachy' about 47 times while I was in the store. It has to hold the record for most I've ever heard the word 'peachy' said in a five minute interval.
So I get back to my apartment at about 8am, just in time for my appointment with the landlady concerning the screen that miraculously blew off the window sending a perfectly placed roll of toilet paper and about a gallon of Mikee's piss five stories down into the parking lot. I start downstairs to her place but not before having an idea...I changed my pants back.
Now our landlady last year was a smoking hot grad student, this year she's a 40-something disgusting fatbody. So I walk in and immediately tell her about the magical wind...she then has me write a report stating exactly what I saw. I said something like:
So as I go to leave, I recall the rip in the ass of my shorts and, even though I had no audience, tossed my key on the floor "by accident," and bent over to pick it up, mooning my landlady. She did look appalled and I got satisfaction out of it, but whatever, I can now say I mooned my landlady.
Is it weird that she is the second land-person I have mooned in the last month?
On my way home I texted Ben:
"Its official...We are wiener cousins!"
Once I arrived back at my apartment, I realized that there is a large, gaping hole in the ass of my shorts...in my favorite pair of shorts. Don't ask me how that happened, but I decide to change them and head over to Wawa for some breakfast. Now the Wawa closest to the school was crowded beyond like hell, seeing how it was 7:40am and everyone who had 8am finals and wanted coffee to cancel out their cinquo de mayos, so I drove the mile and a half to the distant Wawa in East Bumblefuck, PA.
The only odd part of this Wawa was the locals. While I was pouring my coffee, some lady next to me kept narrating her life: "Okay I need hazelnut, hazelnut or french vanilla? Or hazelnut flavoring? Oh dome lids!" So naturally I ignored her and got on the obscenely long line of townies buying their coffee/breakfast. Then, the creepiest part of the Townie Wawa was the cashier lady who repeated the same phrase to every single costumer she saw: "Have a peachy day!" ...Peachy? Really lady? Peachy? She must have said 'Peachy' about 47 times while I was in the store. It has to hold the record for most I've ever heard the word 'peachy' said in a five minute interval.
So I get back to my apartment at about 8am, just in time for my appointment with the landlady concerning the screen that miraculously blew off the window sending a perfectly placed roll of toilet paper and about a gallon of Mikee's piss five stories down into the parking lot. I start downstairs to her place but not before having an idea...I changed my pants back.
Now our landlady last year was a smoking hot grad student, this year she's a 40-something disgusting fatbody. So I walk in and immediately tell her about the magical wind...she then has me write a report stating exactly what I saw. I said something like:
"I returned home at 2am on Tuesday night to find the screen mangled and barely hanging on the window. There was a heavy cross-breeze traveling from my bedroom window, through the propped open bedroom door, up the hallway, and out the living room window which I have deduced caused the gust of wind that broke the screen. We had a few items on the windowsill that were now scattered on the floor in the living room and outside of the window. Amongst these items was a roll of toilet paper which landed in the parking lot, uncoiling all the way down."I wanted to make a statement saying "Scott toilet tissue...it lasts five stories!" but figured that was in bad taste. I did mutter that it was one of our last rolls, and, jokingly, said it was amazing that the roll managed to travel from our window, down the small roof, past the four windows beneath us, and onto the pavement where it continued uncoiling, but she didn't find it as funny as I did.
So as I go to leave, I recall the rip in the ass of my shorts and, even though I had no audience, tossed my key on the floor "by accident," and bent over to pick it up, mooning my landlady. She did look appalled and I got satisfaction out of it, but whatever, I can now say I mooned my landlady.
Is it weird that she is the second land-person I have mooned in the last month?
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Shout outs, Curb, Lost, and Pissing out a Window
Now CWG has a radio show and Tuesday was her last show before graduating. The catch is, it is a country show and I HATE country music, but she assured me to listen anyway because she would give me a "shout out." Sure enough: "This is to my friend Mikee, the best writer I know, and yes, we are on for tonight." ...and then she started playing "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy."
So after listening for an hour to hear this shout out, I went to Xos's office, as stated in the post beneath this, and then got a call from Ben while I was leaving asking if I was down to have a catch, so I drove to Ben's house and parked in his driveway just as it started pouring rain.
Long story short, Ben and I wound up hanging out inside watching Curb Your Enthusiasm, and I told him about the shout out and he responded saying that I should go to the bar dressed like a cowboy(save a horse, ride a cowboy)...I put a decent amount of thought into it, he even had a cowboy outfit to give me, but I changed my mind.
So then after two hours of watching Curb, I proceeded outside to where I had a Curb moment of my own. As I got into my car and started backing it out of the driveway, someone pulled up in another car and parked right behind me, blocking me in. They then proceeded to get out of the car and walk into the gas station next store. So then I get out of my car and follow him, intending to say something like "wtf, buddy?" But I get into the gas station, and he is nowhere to be found...so I bought a bag of chips and returned to my car.
Then after a minute of him not returning, I went back inside and asked the attendants if they knew whose car it was and one of them came out and moved it...weird.
So anyway, I get prepared to go to my last wing night of the year with The Bff, Bigirl, and Jungle...quick introduction of Jungle, she is a black girl with a ridiculous body, and if the situation arose where I had to pick a black girl to bang, it would be Jungle. But anyway, we sit up at a table in the front and I'm watching the door waiting for CWG to come.
While waiting, Jungle asks me to give her a neck massage and I do for a few minutes but soon I abruptly stop saying, "I better stop before my fingers turn black." It was funny, guys, I'm not an open racist asshole.
So CWG comes at about 8:30 and I introduce her to everybody, and I buy her a drink and then she apologises and says "Lost is on!" She offers me two options, come back to her house and watch Lost with her or wait till Lost is over and she'll come back. In retrospect, I guess I should have watched Lost with her, but I have spent seven long-ass seasons avoiding that show...apparently what I imagine to be the greatest vagina in the world was not enough to get my drunk self to watch an episode. So yes, I was cockblocked by Lost.
Anyway, I ditch these three girls in favor of Hn2 who, reluctantly, met me at Pub Bar where we run into my friend Jegabombs and continued drinking...she, having driven there, absolutely hates me for this moment. Of course, the first thing Jegabombs asks me is, "Mikee, is this the girl you're fucking now?" This is classic Jegabombs, every girl he sees me with is "the girl I'm fucking now," so, as much of an asshole as it makes me, I say yes. Too bad Hn2 overheard this and is now super pissed at me.
So I continue texting CWG, while sitting here with "the girl I'm fucking now," and I realize she is not coming back out but we make plans for an epic cinquo de mayo date instead, and I'm not too mad about this.
Then Hn2 drives me back home and we go into my apartment and hang out with the youngings. Now I am hammered, by the way, and I somehow make the rash decision to rip the screen off our living room window and take a piss out of it. We then proceed to take a roll of toilet paper, one of our last ones to be exact, and roll it out the window, down the small roof, and into the parking lot five stories down...basically the same trail my piss took. I then recant my story of Friday night to the youngings who love when I engage them in story time...I love how young people idolize the old story tellers.
So then I pass out, keeping in mind I have to wake up at 9, read 7 short stories, and go to my last creative writing class at 11am. I am, then, awoken by a text from CWG at about five am telling me about Lost...like I care. Here is our text conversation:
"I am so sorry I didn't come back last night, but tonight will be worth it."
"It better be, I can't believe you ditched me for Lost."
"Haha I can't help it..last three episodes! Plus this episode was AMAZING"
"Did they finally get off the island?"
"No but a bunch of them died."
"...in a plane crash?"
"Hahaha noooo...in a submarine."
"..."
"Hahahaha it was great, you should start watching it."
"Pass."
So then we proceed to go to our final class together ever and I call out the dick kid on being a dick all semester and then all the guys in the class collectively came up to me, including dick kid, and suggested we smoke a blunt together. I chose not to for no specific reason...okay there was a reason, I had a meeting with Xos that I totally blew off.
Anyway, I get back to my apartment and Smelly tells me that the ra asked him about the toilet paper going from our window to the parking lot and said the landlady plans on getting the cops involved. I then recall pissing out the window and find our decimated screen lying on the living room floor.
So, later on in the day, I spot the ra and I say something along the lines of, "Oh yeah, before I forget, our screen got destroyed by the wind last night and its all bent out of shape now." So she proceeds to tell me about the toilet paper and I say, "yeah, the screen blew off and knocked everything on the windowsill all over the place, the wind that bad." So now I gotta go meet with the landlady tomorrow morning and act like this mystical wind blew the screen off our living room window and knocked a roll of toilet paper, which was for some reason on the windowsill, out the window in such a way that it uncoiled for five stories before landing in the parking lot...fun.
Well that's it for now, I guess I'll let you know how this date goes tonight.
So after listening for an hour to hear this shout out, I went to Xos's office, as stated in the post beneath this, and then got a call from Ben while I was leaving asking if I was down to have a catch, so I drove to Ben's house and parked in his driveway just as it started pouring rain.
Long story short, Ben and I wound up hanging out inside watching Curb Your Enthusiasm, and I told him about the shout out and he responded saying that I should go to the bar dressed like a cowboy(save a horse, ride a cowboy)...I put a decent amount of thought into it, he even had a cowboy outfit to give me, but I changed my mind.
So then after two hours of watching Curb, I proceeded outside to where I had a Curb moment of my own. As I got into my car and started backing it out of the driveway, someone pulled up in another car and parked right behind me, blocking me in. They then proceeded to get out of the car and walk into the gas station next store. So then I get out of my car and follow him, intending to say something like "wtf, buddy?" But I get into the gas station, and he is nowhere to be found...so I bought a bag of chips and returned to my car.
Then after a minute of him not returning, I went back inside and asked the attendants if they knew whose car it was and one of them came out and moved it...weird.
So anyway, I get prepared to go to my last wing night of the year with The Bff, Bigirl, and Jungle...quick introduction of Jungle, she is a black girl with a ridiculous body, and if the situation arose where I had to pick a black girl to bang, it would be Jungle. But anyway, we sit up at a table in the front and I'm watching the door waiting for CWG to come.
While waiting, Jungle asks me to give her a neck massage and I do for a few minutes but soon I abruptly stop saying, "I better stop before my fingers turn black." It was funny, guys, I'm not an open racist asshole.
So CWG comes at about 8:30 and I introduce her to everybody, and I buy her a drink and then she apologises and says "Lost is on!" She offers me two options, come back to her house and watch Lost with her or wait till Lost is over and she'll come back. In retrospect, I guess I should have watched Lost with her, but I have spent seven long-ass seasons avoiding that show...apparently what I imagine to be the greatest vagina in the world was not enough to get my drunk self to watch an episode. So yes, I was cockblocked by Lost.
Anyway, I ditch these three girls in favor of Hn2 who, reluctantly, met me at Pub Bar where we run into my friend Jegabombs and continued drinking...she, having driven there, absolutely hates me for this moment. Of course, the first thing Jegabombs asks me is, "Mikee, is this the girl you're fucking now?" This is classic Jegabombs, every girl he sees me with is "the girl I'm fucking now," so, as much of an asshole as it makes me, I say yes. Too bad Hn2 overheard this and is now super pissed at me.
So I continue texting CWG, while sitting here with "the girl I'm fucking now," and I realize she is not coming back out but we make plans for an epic cinquo de mayo date instead, and I'm not too mad about this.
Then Hn2 drives me back home and we go into my apartment and hang out with the youngings. Now I am hammered, by the way, and I somehow make the rash decision to rip the screen off our living room window and take a piss out of it. We then proceed to take a roll of toilet paper, one of our last ones to be exact, and roll it out the window, down the small roof, and into the parking lot five stories down...basically the same trail my piss took. I then recant my story of Friday night to the youngings who love when I engage them in story time...I love how young people idolize the old story tellers.
So then I pass out, keeping in mind I have to wake up at 9, read 7 short stories, and go to my last creative writing class at 11am. I am, then, awoken by a text from CWG at about five am telling me about Lost...like I care. Here is our text conversation:
"I am so sorry I didn't come back last night, but tonight will be worth it."
"It better be, I can't believe you ditched me for Lost."
"Haha I can't help it..last three episodes! Plus this episode was AMAZING"
"Did they finally get off the island?"
"No but a bunch of them died."
"...in a plane crash?"
"Hahaha noooo...in a submarine."
"..."
"Hahahaha it was great, you should start watching it."
"Pass."
So then we proceed to go to our final class together ever and I call out the dick kid on being a dick all semester and then all the guys in the class collectively came up to me, including dick kid, and suggested we smoke a blunt together. I chose not to for no specific reason...okay there was a reason, I had a meeting with Xos that I totally blew off.
Anyway, I get back to my apartment and Smelly tells me that the ra asked him about the toilet paper going from our window to the parking lot and said the landlady plans on getting the cops involved. I then recall pissing out the window and find our decimated screen lying on the living room floor.
So, later on in the day, I spot the ra and I say something along the lines of, "Oh yeah, before I forget, our screen got destroyed by the wind last night and its all bent out of shape now." So she proceeds to tell me about the toilet paper and I say, "yeah, the screen blew off and knocked everything on the windowsill all over the place, the wind that bad." So now I gotta go meet with the landlady tomorrow morning and act like this mystical wind blew the screen off our living room window and knocked a roll of toilet paper, which was for some reason on the windowsill, out the window in such a way that it uncoiled for five stories before landing in the parking lot...fun.
Well that's it for now, I guess I'll let you know how this date goes tonight.
My Meeting with Xos, The Retard
So, in order to graduate next semester, like I thought I would be doing before I got suspended from school, I had to take a couple of classes this summer. In order to keep up this facade up with my parents, that I am still in fact a student, I deem it necessary to actually take these summer classes.
Now for some reason, taking summer classes is a long, complicated process, I can't just have my advisor sign off on it, since I was on Academic Probation, I needed to go the Dean who needs to call the President, who needs or organize a meeting in the fucking Oval Office or some shit before I can get any approval to take a summer class...Oh, how I love the lack of encouragement for students on probation to continue their education.
So anyway, I set up a meeting with the Dean of students on academic probation, looking online to find out where his office is and how I can see him. Long story short, I find him listed online and his name is Xos...Xos...Now I am sitting at my laptop thinking "what the fuck, how do I even pronounce that?" You're gonna put students with bad grades in a position where they have to talk to someone whose name is so fucking retarded that you can't even pronounce it. Naturally, I can't call his number and make a meeting with him...because his name is Xos and I have no fucking clue where to even start pronouncing that.
So I take a walk down to his office holding all the papers I need to be signed...I also took my textbooks with me and made $150 selling them back. Anyway I arrive at his office and, I recall reading online that he would be in his office from 8-5 every day, so I arrive at about three. I walked up to his door and tried to get inside, but it was locked and there was no one around. I looked at his schedule printed on the door and there was the reason, on this block schedule, for the time between 2 and 3, it just says in black letters, "Running."
Now seriously University, are you paying this fucker to go running every day for an hour? who allows this? Try that shit in New York and you'll get fired in a second, but in Pennsylvania, its fucking acceptable to just leave your office for a run, as long as you leave a note on your fucking door.
So I sit there and wait for this fucker, wasting an entire hour of my life, sitting here in this office while people walk past and think "oh this kid fucked up if he has to see Xos." Finally, this short, bald, south African guy comes walking up and walks into the office, without saying a word to me. I sit there for a second and think, "is that him?" So I get up and start inside.
So Xos...its pronounced "Christos." What the fuck.
Anyway I tell Xos that I need his signature on these papers so I can take summer classes, which I am allowed to do while suspended, and he brings up my transcript because this is relevant. Now Xos has a heavy ass South African accent, so I can only understand basically every other word he says. Then, instead of just signing the fucking papers, Xos starts asking me why my grades were so fucking bad...seriously guy?
Then this fucker one-ups himself:
"Oh I can't sign this now."
"What? Why not?"
"Because I have an appointment with someone else."
"What?"
"Come back tomorrow at one."
"...I have class at one(creative writing)"
"...I thought you were on academic suspension."
God dammit, Xos. "How about I come back at 3?"
"...That's when I go running."
"So? Sign my papers then go running."
"Why don't you come at four?"
Now I'm getting frustrated and I seize the opportunity. "No because at four I plan on getting shitfaced with a hot girl from my creative writing class, which I still attend because I want to bone the shit out of her...you sir are the most pointless man on this campus, I will see you at 3 tomorrow, and I find it absurd that the university pays you to go running."
Now, assuming I've offended him, I got up and started out, but he just sat there and laughed. It was weird, it actually made me pause in his doorway and look back at him just in time for him to say, in his deep South African voice, "use protection."
Now while Xos was retarded, I think I made his day by being so blunt. I feel accomplished.
Now for some reason, taking summer classes is a long, complicated process, I can't just have my advisor sign off on it, since I was on Academic Probation, I needed to go the Dean who needs to call the President, who needs or organize a meeting in the fucking Oval Office or some shit before I can get any approval to take a summer class...Oh, how I love the lack of encouragement for students on probation to continue their education.
So anyway, I set up a meeting with the Dean of students on academic probation, looking online to find out where his office is and how I can see him. Long story short, I find him listed online and his name is Xos...Xos...Now I am sitting at my laptop thinking "what the fuck, how do I even pronounce that?" You're gonna put students with bad grades in a position where they have to talk to someone whose name is so fucking retarded that you can't even pronounce it. Naturally, I can't call his number and make a meeting with him...because his name is Xos and I have no fucking clue where to even start pronouncing that.
So I take a walk down to his office holding all the papers I need to be signed...I also took my textbooks with me and made $150 selling them back. Anyway I arrive at his office and, I recall reading online that he would be in his office from 8-5 every day, so I arrive at about three. I walked up to his door and tried to get inside, but it was locked and there was no one around. I looked at his schedule printed on the door and there was the reason, on this block schedule, for the time between 2 and 3, it just says in black letters, "Running."
Now seriously University, are you paying this fucker to go running every day for an hour? who allows this? Try that shit in New York and you'll get fired in a second, but in Pennsylvania, its fucking acceptable to just leave your office for a run, as long as you leave a note on your fucking door.
So I sit there and wait for this fucker, wasting an entire hour of my life, sitting here in this office while people walk past and think "oh this kid fucked up if he has to see Xos." Finally, this short, bald, south African guy comes walking up and walks into the office, without saying a word to me. I sit there for a second and think, "is that him?" So I get up and start inside.
So Xos...its pronounced "Christos." What the fuck.
Anyway I tell Xos that I need his signature on these papers so I can take summer classes, which I am allowed to do while suspended, and he brings up my transcript because this is relevant. Now Xos has a heavy ass South African accent, so I can only understand basically every other word he says. Then, instead of just signing the fucking papers, Xos starts asking me why my grades were so fucking bad...seriously guy?
"We offer free tutoring, why didn't you take advantage of that?"So then Xos has to look online at the course listings for these classes.
"Um because every tutor in the world won't help me get up for an 8am class."
"Well that's a commitment you shouldn't have made then."
"...I had no choice, I transferred in and my advisor didn't make my schedule until a week before class."
"You should have dropped them then."
Shut the fuck up, your name is Xos. I didn't come here to get lectured about why I got suspended from school, you South African, cotton mouthed piece of shit.
"I just don't understand why you let your grades get so bad."
"...Can you just sign the papers?"
"English Lit 1? It says you already took this class."Now I start wondering how fucking easy it is to get this job if they can put this retard in charge of people with bad grades. I also realize that the road to becoming a student again is so ridiculously hard that I feel as though I have single-handily solved the drop out problem in America...we put fucking morons like Xos in charge of our futures.
"...I didn't."
"Why do you have a grade in it then?" he turned the computer towards me where it says "English Lit 2," with a grade next to it.
"Really, Xos?"
Then this fucker one-ups himself:
"Oh I can't sign this now."
"What? Why not?"
"Because I have an appointment with someone else."
"What?"
"Come back tomorrow at one."
"...I have class at one(creative writing)"
"...I thought you were on academic suspension."
God dammit, Xos. "How about I come back at 3?"
"...That's when I go running."
"So? Sign my papers then go running."
"Why don't you come at four?"
Now I'm getting frustrated and I seize the opportunity. "No because at four I plan on getting shitfaced with a hot girl from my creative writing class, which I still attend because I want to bone the shit out of her...you sir are the most pointless man on this campus, I will see you at 3 tomorrow, and I find it absurd that the university pays you to go running."
Now, assuming I've offended him, I got up and started out, but he just sat there and laughed. It was weird, it actually made me pause in his doorway and look back at him just in time for him to say, in his deep South African voice, "use protection."
Now while Xos was retarded, I think I made his day by being so blunt. I feel accomplished.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Old story: Overflowing the Wrong Toilet
Here is a story from the Fall 2009 semester.
So it is a Saturday night in October, I want to say, and we get ready to head out to the bar. Now, this is before I banged any hot neighbors, before Smelly was my roommate, and before Bigirl turned 21, so it is just The Bff, myself, and Hank.
So Hank drove home earlier in the day for court, he had just gotten his third dui and had to meet with his lawyer...he had another meeting with his lawyer the following morning, but decided to get drunk anyway for the night between. So he comes strait from home ready to drive me and the Bff to the bar, and when we go outside to his pickup truck, I find that he has a lawnmower in the bed. I ask "Hank, why do you have a lawnmower in the bed of your truck?" He replies:
"I found it on the sidewalk, some gardeners left it out beside their truck."
"So why do you have it?"
"Oh, because I'm gonna take it home and sell it."
So there's three of us driving to the bar with a lawnmower in the back and for a moment, I feel so deliciously white trash that I love America passionately. Even so, when we arrive at the bar, there is a group of black people standing outside who proceed to comment on the lawnmower...Hank even engages them in conversation about where he found it and how much he will get for selling it.
So then we all go to the bar and start to get drunk and in time, it gets to be almost two am, and the bar is closing, and Hank says goodbye and drives back home, lawnmower and all. So that leaves me and The Bff, without a ride home...that is, until she assures me that her friend will come pick us up.
Now I was informed this was a friend of hers...not a booty call of hers...so next thing I know, its 3am and we're arriving at this house about three miles from the apartment. The kid who drove us there, and lived there, was an amateur rapper who went by the name Aquaman...he was a very nice kid, but it slowly crept into my mind that he, every day of his life, dressed like Aquaman.
So he leads us up to his room where I take a seat on a random chair and the Bff sits on his bed, before he disappears for a moment. Now sitting here, something catches my eye and that is the three foot tall bong sitting in the center of his bedroom floor. I am eyeing this thing just as he walks in and sees me looking at it: "Oh shit, Mikee, you smoke?"
Now here is my view on weed, I will smoke if it is free...otherwise, I'd feel awfully stupid paying money to cough my left lung out and fall asleep. Well, Aquaman sells weed, so Aquaman smokes up the best friends of his booty call's for free.
Now Aquaman and I smoke out of this three foot bong and The Bff insists we put Family Guy on the television. The catch is, Aquaman lost the remove to his dvd player, so we cannot do anything but press play, and pressing play simply plays the first episode on the dvd and that is it.
So we're watching this same episode of Family Guy for the second or third time and Aquaman starts talking about rapping, and at this point I am way too high to object to anything, so he mutes the tv so he can freestyle. Also, me being the closest one to the tv, it is my job to press the play button again after the episode of Family Guy ends, and once it does, I silently restart the episode.
So now here is my situation, the sun is rising and I am high as fuck listening to a rapper named Aquaman freestyle while watching the same episode of Family Guy for the fourth time on mute.
Suddenly, I have to take a piss. I ask Aquaman where his bathroom is and he tells me, and I think he even said something about not flushing but I was too high to remember. So I get to the bathroom and I look into the toilet, there is no water, there is simply a mess of shit and garbage piled up in the bottom of the bowl, and I am aiming my piss at all of it. Now, I remember having the mental thought that I probably shouldn't flush when I was finished, but I learned something that night, flushing the toilet after I piss is a natural instinct of mine.
So here I am in the bathroom of this house located three miles from my apartment, watching this toilet overflow. Add to this that it is officially morning and I am the third wheel on this booty call. Also, Aquaman has just smoked me up on very good weed, and how did I thank him? I made his toilet overflow.
So I look around the room for a second and look out the window at the main road on which his house is located. I do a few quick calculations in my head and decide I cannot face Aquaman after basically destroying his bathroom, so I climb out the window and walk home.
So it is a Saturday night in October, I want to say, and we get ready to head out to the bar. Now, this is before I banged any hot neighbors, before Smelly was my roommate, and before Bigirl turned 21, so it is just The Bff, myself, and Hank.
So Hank drove home earlier in the day for court, he had just gotten his third dui and had to meet with his lawyer...he had another meeting with his lawyer the following morning, but decided to get drunk anyway for the night between. So he comes strait from home ready to drive me and the Bff to the bar, and when we go outside to his pickup truck, I find that he has a lawnmower in the bed. I ask "Hank, why do you have a lawnmower in the bed of your truck?" He replies:
"I found it on the sidewalk, some gardeners left it out beside their truck."
"So why do you have it?"
"Oh, because I'm gonna take it home and sell it."
So there's three of us driving to the bar with a lawnmower in the back and for a moment, I feel so deliciously white trash that I love America passionately. Even so, when we arrive at the bar, there is a group of black people standing outside who proceed to comment on the lawnmower...Hank even engages them in conversation about where he found it and how much he will get for selling it.
So then we all go to the bar and start to get drunk and in time, it gets to be almost two am, and the bar is closing, and Hank says goodbye and drives back home, lawnmower and all. So that leaves me and The Bff, without a ride home...that is, until she assures me that her friend will come pick us up.
Now I was informed this was a friend of hers...not a booty call of hers...so next thing I know, its 3am and we're arriving at this house about three miles from the apartment. The kid who drove us there, and lived there, was an amateur rapper who went by the name Aquaman...he was a very nice kid, but it slowly crept into my mind that he, every day of his life, dressed like Aquaman.
So he leads us up to his room where I take a seat on a random chair and the Bff sits on his bed, before he disappears for a moment. Now sitting here, something catches my eye and that is the three foot tall bong sitting in the center of his bedroom floor. I am eyeing this thing just as he walks in and sees me looking at it: "Oh shit, Mikee, you smoke?"
Now here is my view on weed, I will smoke if it is free...otherwise, I'd feel awfully stupid paying money to cough my left lung out and fall asleep. Well, Aquaman sells weed, so Aquaman smokes up the best friends of his booty call's for free.
Now Aquaman and I smoke out of this three foot bong and The Bff insists we put Family Guy on the television. The catch is, Aquaman lost the remove to his dvd player, so we cannot do anything but press play, and pressing play simply plays the first episode on the dvd and that is it.
So we're watching this same episode of Family Guy for the second or third time and Aquaman starts talking about rapping, and at this point I am way too high to object to anything, so he mutes the tv so he can freestyle. Also, me being the closest one to the tv, it is my job to press the play button again after the episode of Family Guy ends, and once it does, I silently restart the episode.
So now here is my situation, the sun is rising and I am high as fuck listening to a rapper named Aquaman freestyle while watching the same episode of Family Guy for the fourth time on mute.
Suddenly, I have to take a piss. I ask Aquaman where his bathroom is and he tells me, and I think he even said something about not flushing but I was too high to remember. So I get to the bathroom and I look into the toilet, there is no water, there is simply a mess of shit and garbage piled up in the bottom of the bowl, and I am aiming my piss at all of it. Now, I remember having the mental thought that I probably shouldn't flush when I was finished, but I learned something that night, flushing the toilet after I piss is a natural instinct of mine.
So here I am in the bathroom of this house located three miles from my apartment, watching this toilet overflow. Add to this that it is officially morning and I am the third wheel on this booty call. Also, Aquaman has just smoked me up on very good weed, and how did I thank him? I made his toilet overflow.
So I look around the room for a second and look out the window at the main road on which his house is located. I do a few quick calculations in my head and decide I cannot face Aquaman after basically destroying his bathroom, so I climb out the window and walk home.
I'm about to go to the bar by myself more often
So I am wide awake at 9:30 am because I am such a morning person and I hate it.
But anyway, I woke up yesterday and went to my Creative Writing class, mostly because CWG is in it, and what is funny about this class is that there are 3 hot girls, and the other two are both dating guys I play rugby with. But anyway, one kid in the class asked me what I was writing my paper on for another class and I told him I got expelled, and the whole class hears this and then I have to recant my entire story about getting kicked out of school. Then one girl in the class, who is conveniently a lesbian, asked my why I still come to Creative Writing, and I did not have an answer...I did have an answer, but it is not very smooth to just point to CWG and say I want to bone her.
So after class I walk to the food-stop and, sure enough, both of the other girls are there with their boyfriends, so I have to explain, twice, about how I got kicked out of school. Then I run into Shorty, who is a friend of The Bff, and a girl I hung out with a lot last year, and she tells me she's graduating and asks if I am to. So I have to explain, again, to Shorty and her boyfriend, about how I got kicked out of school.
Then I went back to my apartment and played Call of Duty until about six when I decided to go to the gym. I got dressed and walked all the way to the rec center only to find that it is closed. So then I remember this run we used to do for rugby which would take me about a mile away, around a lake, and back to campus, about a 3 mile run. Turns out, I didn't remember this run as well as I thought I did...I ran to the lake and started to run on the path around it when the path suddenly forked, and there was a sign pointing left saying "[trail name] 3 miles," and one pointing right saying "[other trail name] 5 miles." Well I'm not about to stop running, so I go left.
So soon I start simply hiking, and the trail becomes submerged entirely in wilderness. Now, the only thing I have on me is my apartment key, and its like 8pm now, and the sun is setting quick, and I'm on this fucking trail in the middle of nowhere, but somehow I find my way back to the lake and walk home, having traveled about six miles altogether on my feet.
So back in my apartment, I'm talking to CWG about meeting her at the bar, and I'm texting all my friends looking for a wing person. Now this sucks because Hn2 went home, Hn1 is going to a party with her underage friend, Bigirl is not going out, Ben is in Buffalo, and The Bff is going on a date...so I make the drastic decision to walk to the bar by myself.
So I start pregamming with the people I'm playing Call of Duty with...this is something I actually do quite often, and then I start to walk to the bar. Now the walk to the bar is about another mile, and I start regretting it about half way there because I've walked enough miles already to start feeling Jewish. But on my way, I get a text from the Bff saying she is at a local bar and the date is getting awkward, and the local bar is on my route, so I stop in for a couple of drinks.
Now in the bar is the Bff and her date, some fly-ass Greek dude, and then two of the Bff's co-workers who I've hung out with before: Mom and Chant Girl. Now I call her Mom because she is my age...and she has a baby...and I call the other Chant Girl because back in February I hooked up with her and the reasoning behind this, I think, is because I was hammered and just kept starting chants, which I guess is a turn on for her.
So we watch the end of the Lakers game, Fly-ass Greek Dude is a huge Lakers fan, and he has bought me about seven drinks, which makes him awesome in my book. And I'm texting CWG and she's telling me to go to club-bar, which I get prepared to walk to when suddenly Mom offers me a ride. So I take the ride, and somehow we exchange numbers so I have a ride home, and they all go to awesome pub while I walk up the street to club bar.
So Club bar is beyond crowded. I walked in looking for CWG and decided to stop at the bar for a beer. So while I'm waiting, someone taps me on the shoulder, and I turn around to reveal Shorty. So Shorty is in the bar with her female friends, and I decide to buy her and her friend a shot. So this, somehow, means her friend is really into me. Now from what I remember now, and what I remember at the time, her friend was not attractive whatsoever. She was also kinda creepy, as she kept glancing back to make sure I was still beside her, and she also kept making sure that I would come dance with her after we take our shots.
So we take our shots and we go to dance together, and it is really starting register with me how creepy and psycho this bitch is, and I spot Ben's friend on the dancefloor and he gives me a thumbs up, so I give him a throat cut and a head shake and he agrees. Now, with assurance from another guy, I tell Ugly Psycho Girl I have to pee and never come back.
So I walk back to the bar and I run into CWG, and she tells me she cannot find her phone, but I'm kinda drunk now, so I tell her I don't give a shit and keep walking. I run back into Shorty and we start reminiscing about old times and, I'm not entirely certain how the conversation got to this, but I leaned and tried to kiss her. She told me about her boyfriend and I said she was graduating and I wouldn't ever have another chance, so we made out. Then I think I told her that I'd wanted to do that for two years, which is kinda a lie...I've only wanted to do that since like November.
So then I get a text from CWG saying I should meet her at Awesome Bar. Now it is about 1:45, and the bars close at two, so I chug my beer and leave, hoping to get into Awesome Bar just in time. Now as I arrive, I spot CWG standing outside by herself and she tells me that she left and they won't let her back in. Now I am drunk, and I confess my undying love for her and we start making out, and then I call her out on fucking Ben...which seems like a bad idea, but she says:
"Really? That was so fucking long ago, I can't believe you even know that."
Then some girl stumbles out of the bar...its Tall. Now Tall starts hanging on me while I'm talking to CWG, and I'm trying to lose tall, so I call Mom to see if she's ready to drive me home, and in the haste, CWG disappears. Anyway, Mom tells me to meet her at her car and I walk to where she parked, with Tall still hanging on me begging me for a ride.
So Mom comes walking up with some other guy...Mom has a boyfriend and we all know this, he is also the father of her baby...and I tell Tall to ask her if she could have a ride. Tall asks the guy if she could have a ride...and then starts making out with him...so we seize the opportunity and Mom and I get into the car and we drive away. During the drive, she says:
So I am sitting on the steps outside of my building drinking beer and eating chicken parm when a taxi comes up and drops a kid off. He comments on my drinking in public and I tell him that I'm not a student anymore so I don't care. I also manage to tell him that I'm waiting for some girls to come and he tells me to come get him when they get there, so I ask him where he lives and he goes:
So I walk upstairs and knock on the guy's apartment and a different guy answers and I, drunkenly, tell him I got girls coming over and his reaction is basically "WTF?" Thinking back, they probably think I'm weird as fuck now, but I assure you, someone in that apartment asked me to come get him!
So I'm hanging out with the Bff and Chant Girl and I tell them about Mom telling me not to tell anyone that she drove me home and they say that she was avidly declaring in Awesome Bar that she would not drive me home, no matter what. I guess she didn't want me to say anything because it would mean she went back on her word...which she did!
So me and Chant Girl are snuggling and its really cute and we start making out and then she passes out. Then I look over at Bff and she's passed out too. Now I am on this couch and I am starting to feel so uncomfortable so I just abandon ship and go back upstairs where I pass out in my bed.
But anyway, I woke up yesterday and went to my Creative Writing class, mostly because CWG is in it, and what is funny about this class is that there are 3 hot girls, and the other two are both dating guys I play rugby with. But anyway, one kid in the class asked me what I was writing my paper on for another class and I told him I got expelled, and the whole class hears this and then I have to recant my entire story about getting kicked out of school. Then one girl in the class, who is conveniently a lesbian, asked my why I still come to Creative Writing, and I did not have an answer...I did have an answer, but it is not very smooth to just point to CWG and say I want to bone her.
So after class I walk to the food-stop and, sure enough, both of the other girls are there with their boyfriends, so I have to explain, twice, about how I got kicked out of school. Then I run into Shorty, who is a friend of The Bff, and a girl I hung out with a lot last year, and she tells me she's graduating and asks if I am to. So I have to explain, again, to Shorty and her boyfriend, about how I got kicked out of school.
Then I went back to my apartment and played Call of Duty until about six when I decided to go to the gym. I got dressed and walked all the way to the rec center only to find that it is closed. So then I remember this run we used to do for rugby which would take me about a mile away, around a lake, and back to campus, about a 3 mile run. Turns out, I didn't remember this run as well as I thought I did...I ran to the lake and started to run on the path around it when the path suddenly forked, and there was a sign pointing left saying "[trail name] 3 miles," and one pointing right saying "[other trail name] 5 miles." Well I'm not about to stop running, so I go left.
So soon I start simply hiking, and the trail becomes submerged entirely in wilderness. Now, the only thing I have on me is my apartment key, and its like 8pm now, and the sun is setting quick, and I'm on this fucking trail in the middle of nowhere, but somehow I find my way back to the lake and walk home, having traveled about six miles altogether on my feet.
So back in my apartment, I'm talking to CWG about meeting her at the bar, and I'm texting all my friends looking for a wing person. Now this sucks because Hn2 went home, Hn1 is going to a party with her underage friend, Bigirl is not going out, Ben is in Buffalo, and The Bff is going on a date...so I make the drastic decision to walk to the bar by myself.
So I start pregamming with the people I'm playing Call of Duty with...this is something I actually do quite often, and then I start to walk to the bar. Now the walk to the bar is about another mile, and I start regretting it about half way there because I've walked enough miles already to start feeling Jewish. But on my way, I get a text from the Bff saying she is at a local bar and the date is getting awkward, and the local bar is on my route, so I stop in for a couple of drinks.
Now in the bar is the Bff and her date, some fly-ass Greek dude, and then two of the Bff's co-workers who I've hung out with before: Mom and Chant Girl. Now I call her Mom because she is my age...and she has a baby...and I call the other Chant Girl because back in February I hooked up with her and the reasoning behind this, I think, is because I was hammered and just kept starting chants, which I guess is a turn on for her.
So we watch the end of the Lakers game, Fly-ass Greek Dude is a huge Lakers fan, and he has bought me about seven drinks, which makes him awesome in my book. And I'm texting CWG and she's telling me to go to club-bar, which I get prepared to walk to when suddenly Mom offers me a ride. So I take the ride, and somehow we exchange numbers so I have a ride home, and they all go to awesome pub while I walk up the street to club bar.
So Club bar is beyond crowded. I walked in looking for CWG and decided to stop at the bar for a beer. So while I'm waiting, someone taps me on the shoulder, and I turn around to reveal Shorty. So Shorty is in the bar with her female friends, and I decide to buy her and her friend a shot. So this, somehow, means her friend is really into me. Now from what I remember now, and what I remember at the time, her friend was not attractive whatsoever. She was also kinda creepy, as she kept glancing back to make sure I was still beside her, and she also kept making sure that I would come dance with her after we take our shots.
So we take our shots and we go to dance together, and it is really starting register with me how creepy and psycho this bitch is, and I spot Ben's friend on the dancefloor and he gives me a thumbs up, so I give him a throat cut and a head shake and he agrees. Now, with assurance from another guy, I tell Ugly Psycho Girl I have to pee and never come back.
So I walk back to the bar and I run into CWG, and she tells me she cannot find her phone, but I'm kinda drunk now, so I tell her I don't give a shit and keep walking. I run back into Shorty and we start reminiscing about old times and, I'm not entirely certain how the conversation got to this, but I leaned and tried to kiss her. She told me about her boyfriend and I said she was graduating and I wouldn't ever have another chance, so we made out. Then I think I told her that I'd wanted to do that for two years, which is kinda a lie...I've only wanted to do that since like November.
So then I get a text from CWG saying I should meet her at Awesome Bar. Now it is about 1:45, and the bars close at two, so I chug my beer and leave, hoping to get into Awesome Bar just in time. Now as I arrive, I spot CWG standing outside by herself and she tells me that she left and they won't let her back in. Now I am drunk, and I confess my undying love for her and we start making out, and then I call her out on fucking Ben...which seems like a bad idea, but she says:
"Really? That was so fucking long ago, I can't believe you even know that."
Then some girl stumbles out of the bar...its Tall. Now Tall starts hanging on me while I'm talking to CWG, and I'm trying to lose tall, so I call Mom to see if she's ready to drive me home, and in the haste, CWG disappears. Anyway, Mom tells me to meet her at her car and I walk to where she parked, with Tall still hanging on me begging me for a ride.
So Mom comes walking up with some other guy...Mom has a boyfriend and we all know this, he is also the father of her baby...and I tell Tall to ask her if she could have a ride. Tall asks the guy if she could have a ride...and then starts making out with him...so we seize the opportunity and Mom and I get into the car and we drive away. During the drive, she says:
"Don't tell anyone I drove you home."So I arrive back at my apartment and I walk in to find Smelly passed out in my recliner. Then the Bff calls me and says she's bringing Chant Girl back to the apartment and wants to hang out with me when they get here. So I decide to wait outside for them, but not before I grab some beer out of the refrigerator...and a tray of chicken parm leftover from when Smelly and Orca went to Olive Garden.
So I am sitting on the steps outside of my building drinking beer and eating chicken parm when a taxi comes up and drops a kid off. He comments on my drinking in public and I tell him that I'm not a student anymore so I don't care. I also manage to tell him that I'm waiting for some girls to come and he tells me to come get him when they get there, so I ask him where he lives and he goes:
"Dude, I'm your neighbor."Now there are four apartments on my floor, and I only talk to the girls in one of them. The other two are full of guys and/or ugly girls, and I think its remarkable how, after almost a full year, I can't say the name of any guy in that apartment. But I tell him I'll come get him and the Bff arrives with Chant Girl.
So I walk upstairs and knock on the guy's apartment and a different guy answers and I, drunkenly, tell him I got girls coming over and his reaction is basically "WTF?" Thinking back, they probably think I'm weird as fuck now, but I assure you, someone in that apartment asked me to come get him!
So I'm hanging out with the Bff and Chant Girl and I tell them about Mom telling me not to tell anyone that she drove me home and they say that she was avidly declaring in Awesome Bar that she would not drive me home, no matter what. I guess she didn't want me to say anything because it would mean she went back on her word...which she did!
So me and Chant Girl are snuggling and its really cute and we start making out and then she passes out. Then I look over at Bff and she's passed out too. Now I am on this couch and I am starting to feel so uncomfortable so I just abandon ship and go back upstairs where I pass out in my bed.
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