Its almost hard to believe that a year ago I was driving to the bars, pregamming in my car, and then just exploring the avenue with the end goal of fucking CWG...and finding satisfaction in many other girls along the way.
Anyway, here is a quick summary of my night last night:
So Ben is set to graduate for real this time and he was having a shin dig at his house to start the night off, however Beard was very inept on going out as well, and in case I haven't already said this, Ben does not like Beard as every time Beard has ever been at Ben's house, he winds up either breaking something or creating a socially awkward catastrophe. We were informed instead that some alumni were up at a local bar with Mac, so Beard and I went there to pregame instead. Here, amid all the barcrawls coming in and going out of this local bar, I ran into Cheeks on her barcrawl..now I feel I need a tangent time for Cheeks:
Okay so remember when I fucked Tall and her roommates turned out to be Dino and Bathroomgirl, AKA, two other girls I plowed before her? Well Bathroomgirl and Dino both graduated last year and Tall needed two new roommates, so she invested in Cheeks and some girl named Ground, to inhabit her house with her. The first night I met Cheeks, I was hammered and we exchanged bbms and Drunkmikee sent her flirtatious texts for the duration of the night, depsite the fact that she had a boyfriend. Well she broke up with her boyfriend and since then has come to believe that Drunkmikee and Realmikee both have feelings for her so, yes, she wants to fuck me.
Ironically, to give some information on Ground, she fucked Beard when they were both freshman and, one night while drunk, I, too, hooked up with Ground. When I asked Beard why her nickname was "Ground," he told me it was "Because her ass hangs low to the ground."
But anyway, back to the story....So Cheeks is at the local bar and she invites me back to her house but I decline in hopes of at least seeing the main stretch of bars before boning anybody. Cheeks is also with her fellow barcrawlee, who Beard and I aptly nicknamed "Hammerhead," because she looks like a hammerhead shark. Now this is the cool part about local bars, at one point, someone convinced Hammerhead to let them do a body shot off of her and so everyone got to watch as this occurred. The fallout of this was, however, that Hammerhead would sit quietly for the rest of the time in a cloud of shame being anti social. I tried to strike up a conversation with Hammerhead but this was going nowhere and Beard and I decided to leave.
So we went to Sportsbar which was crazily packed and we saw Ground there, so Beard and I decided to have a long conversation about Ground's attributions. Then Drunkmikee had an opportunity to be alone with Ground and I decided to give her a report, rating all her attributions.
Saturday's post is epic.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
Hanging Out With Hairdressers
So yesterday Beard got his first haircut since Nam...well November, but close enough. The catch is, he only got a haircut because in the walk from our house to campus, there is a beauty salon that Beard liked to look into the windows of and wave to the ladies working inside of. One lady would always wave back to him and so one day he asked her to cut his hair, to which she agreed and that day was yesterday.
On top of this, if I may point out, Beard and I have a bromide we have been following since the weather got nicer: "Shorts on, Beards gone!" So we both shaved our facial hair off but, as Mac challenged us to do, we have kept only mustaches. So yes, right now Beard and I both have mustaches and nothing else.
Anyway, Beard has a new haircut and we decide to go to the bar. Hn1 is enthralled that we go to the bar with her as she is with her boyfriend and a friend of her's from her major who, without asking me, she decided she would try to set me up with. So Beard and I get to the bar(along with Ben, New Zealand and others) and I run into Hn1 and promptly got introduced to her friend, this overweight hippo of a girl. Well I'm an entertaining guy so I told Hn1's boyfriend and Hippo about my Cougar encounter and they found the story to be quite delightful.
So anyway Hippo is getting really touchy with me and I'm trying to be respectful, but she insists we go dance, and Hn1 insists we all go dance but I tell Hippo that I am too sober to dance. Ben then intervenes, he takes my drink out of my hand and insists I go dance with Hippo.
So now I'm standing on the dance floor with Hippo while she grinds up on me and I have had about enough, so I tell her again that I'm too sober for this and I walk away.
I spot Beard on the other side of the bar talking to this short blond girl and her brunette friend, so I walked over. Well, turns out this blond girl is the girl who had cut his hair earlier that day and, using my best form of Mikee knowledge, I realized this girl wants to fuck the shit out of Beard. I'm a very good wingman and so I start talking to the brunette girl. Our conversations escalate until we decide that we will all go back to our house and hang out, so we do.
So I'm sitting on the couch next to Brunette girl, Beard is with his hairdresser on the other couch, and we learn that both these girls have met each other in beauty school and that they are both, in fact, hairdressers...also they are both 21 years old so we're close in age. So DrunkMikee decides he needs a haircut and now I have an appointment to get my hair cut tomorrow afternoon. Beyond that, there was something about Brunette I wasn't attracted to in person but, as I saw through pictures on her phone of her cat that she insisted on showing me, she was sexy as hell and was just dressed down tonight.
So the rest of the night was kinda a drunken escapade, most of which I don't remember. At one point, both girls individually asked where the bathroom was and I told them it was upstairs right next to my bedroom. But the night played out, neither of us got anything from the hairdressers but we enjoyed it. Then I went upstairs to bed only to find a note waiting for me on top of my laptop:
"See you soon! Lets get lunch together some time!"
Seeing how both girls went upstairs to use the bathroom, I have no fucking clue which one wrote this note! This note could be for Beard as his hairdresser was talking about him buying her lunch one day, and she merely thought that was his bedroom...but this note could also be from the Brunette girl at the same time as I will 'see her soon' (Tomorrow). Long story short, this is a mystery.
On top of this, if I may point out, Beard and I have a bromide we have been following since the weather got nicer: "Shorts on, Beards gone!" So we both shaved our facial hair off but, as Mac challenged us to do, we have kept only mustaches. So yes, right now Beard and I both have mustaches and nothing else.
Anyway, Beard has a new haircut and we decide to go to the bar. Hn1 is enthralled that we go to the bar with her as she is with her boyfriend and a friend of her's from her major who, without asking me, she decided she would try to set me up with. So Beard and I get to the bar(along with Ben, New Zealand and others) and I run into Hn1 and promptly got introduced to her friend, this overweight hippo of a girl. Well I'm an entertaining guy so I told Hn1's boyfriend and Hippo about my Cougar encounter and they found the story to be quite delightful.
So anyway Hippo is getting really touchy with me and I'm trying to be respectful, but she insists we go dance, and Hn1 insists we all go dance but I tell Hippo that I am too sober to dance. Ben then intervenes, he takes my drink out of my hand and insists I go dance with Hippo.
So now I'm standing on the dance floor with Hippo while she grinds up on me and I have had about enough, so I tell her again that I'm too sober for this and I walk away.
I spot Beard on the other side of the bar talking to this short blond girl and her brunette friend, so I walked over. Well, turns out this blond girl is the girl who had cut his hair earlier that day and, using my best form of Mikee knowledge, I realized this girl wants to fuck the shit out of Beard. I'm a very good wingman and so I start talking to the brunette girl. Our conversations escalate until we decide that we will all go back to our house and hang out, so we do.
So I'm sitting on the couch next to Brunette girl, Beard is with his hairdresser on the other couch, and we learn that both these girls have met each other in beauty school and that they are both, in fact, hairdressers...also they are both 21 years old so we're close in age. So DrunkMikee decides he needs a haircut and now I have an appointment to get my hair cut tomorrow afternoon. Beyond that, there was something about Brunette I wasn't attracted to in person but, as I saw through pictures on her phone of her cat that she insisted on showing me, she was sexy as hell and was just dressed down tonight.
So the rest of the night was kinda a drunken escapade, most of which I don't remember. At one point, both girls individually asked where the bathroom was and I told them it was upstairs right next to my bedroom. But the night played out, neither of us got anything from the hairdressers but we enjoyed it. Then I went upstairs to bed only to find a note waiting for me on top of my laptop:
"See you soon! Lets get lunch together some time!"
Seeing how both girls went upstairs to use the bathroom, I have no fucking clue which one wrote this note! This note could be for Beard as his hairdresser was talking about him buying her lunch one day, and she merely thought that was his bedroom...but this note could also be from the Brunette girl at the same time as I will 'see her soon' (Tomorrow). Long story short, this is a mystery.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Why I Hate Beard
So last night Beard and I went to Chillbar and I spent 100 bucks on their expensive foreign beers like a retard. I did score a few free shots however by telling people my birthday was coming up!
Anyway towards the end of the night I saw a cute ass girl talking to some local guy, she looking very uncomfortable the whole time. So I walked over(Captain Savajo to the rescue) and got this guy away. I started talking to this girl and I found out she was in the super slutty sorority(score!).
So we talked for a while, all while Beard looked rather bummed out. I think I bought her a shot or something and soon last call happened and I realized that she was kinda drunk. I went to say goodbye and I went in for the kiss but she, in turn, decided to give me a hickey...Who the fuck gives hickeys at the bar? Usually if you're old enough to drink, hickey time has ended. Anyway then I went in for the kiss again and she started biting and sucking on my ear. Well it doesn't take a genius to ask, "So you wanna come back to my place?"
She said yes and her, Beard, and I got into our taxi heading home. I'm not entirely familiar with this incident, as I had not recalled it at all until Beard told me, but maybe her drunkenness/sluttiness started showing because all of a sudden Beard started calling her a "Drunk Whore" and "Stupid Slut," all while I'm just sitting there calmly saying "you're not a slut," or "you're not a whore." Then I'm not sure exactly what happened but I told the taxi driver to drop her off in front of the University and he did.
To put this in perspective, a drunk slut wanted to fuck me and I was down until Beard acknowledged that she was a drunk slut so I made the taxi driver drop her off in front of the University, with about a 20 minute walk to her dorm ahead of her. Seems I went from Captain Savajo to Captain Losajo.
So then Beard and I got inside and he apologized for cockblocking me(I hadn't even noticed that he did). Wanting to salvage something, I texted the girl:
Me: Hi sorry my roommate was an asshole
Her: Yes he was.
Me: I'm sorry if I was an asshole too
Her: K.
Her: (ten minutes later) whatever.
Me: I'm still up if you wanna do something
Her: Yeah, I don't think so
Me: Good night
Then today I showed Mac her facebook page and he informed me that he fucked her roommate. This school is too fucking small. Also, how is it gonna go with Drunkslut? ...I still would very much so like to fuck her, but we'll see how this plays out.
Anyway towards the end of the night I saw a cute ass girl talking to some local guy, she looking very uncomfortable the whole time. So I walked over(Captain Savajo to the rescue) and got this guy away. I started talking to this girl and I found out she was in the super slutty sorority(score!).
So we talked for a while, all while Beard looked rather bummed out. I think I bought her a shot or something and soon last call happened and I realized that she was kinda drunk. I went to say goodbye and I went in for the kiss but she, in turn, decided to give me a hickey...Who the fuck gives hickeys at the bar? Usually if you're old enough to drink, hickey time has ended. Anyway then I went in for the kiss again and she started biting and sucking on my ear. Well it doesn't take a genius to ask, "So you wanna come back to my place?"
She said yes and her, Beard, and I got into our taxi heading home. I'm not entirely familiar with this incident, as I had not recalled it at all until Beard told me, but maybe her drunkenness/sluttiness started showing because all of a sudden Beard started calling her a "Drunk Whore" and "Stupid Slut," all while I'm just sitting there calmly saying "you're not a slut," or "you're not a whore." Then I'm not sure exactly what happened but I told the taxi driver to drop her off in front of the University and he did.
To put this in perspective, a drunk slut wanted to fuck me and I was down until Beard acknowledged that she was a drunk slut so I made the taxi driver drop her off in front of the University, with about a 20 minute walk to her dorm ahead of her. Seems I went from Captain Savajo to Captain Losajo.
So then Beard and I got inside and he apologized for cockblocking me(I hadn't even noticed that he did). Wanting to salvage something, I texted the girl:
Me: Hi sorry my roommate was an asshole
Her: Yes he was.
Me: I'm sorry if I was an asshole too
Her: K.
Her: (ten minutes later) whatever.
Me: I'm still up if you wanna do something
Her: Yeah, I don't think so
Me: Good night
Then today I showed Mac her facebook page and he informed me that he fucked her roommate. This school is too fucking small. Also, how is it gonna go with Drunkslut? ...I still would very much so like to fuck her, but we'll see how this plays out.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Why I Love Beard
Well to set this into context, so CWG and I haven't talked since Tallcunt got in my face for no reason at all...and I'm in no rush to fix this. I did find out, however, that CWG was gonna be in town tonight, so I basically avoided going out...I even got a terrible stomach ache and decided against going out altogether...but Mac and Beard convinced me to come out with them so I went.
Anyway, the three of us went to Clubbar and I wound up making out with some random girl for a little while. Me and this girl were actually getting really close until something suddenly grabbed me from behind...it was fucking Tall! Tall swooped in and cockblocked me AGAIN and I proceeded to shit on her for like 20 minutes, saying how I thought she was ugly and only fucked her for the story etc. I did get to run into my girl again though and we made out again before the bar decided it was time for last call.
After last call, and the bar was closing, I realized that I had to take a piss, so we headed to the pizza place nearby. When we got outside, however, we learned that we had just missed what must have been an epic fight because there were 238482343 cops outside.
So we get to the pizza place and something tells me CWG is probably inside of it, so I'm weary and looking around trying to spot her. I get safely to the bathroom anyway and then return to see CWG standing directly behind Beard, so I tell him(her and Beard have never met) that CWG is behind him. CWG actually takes a seat right up against the front window of the pizza place(this is the same pizza place, for the record, that CWG and I got into that fight in and I wound up calling her a cunt in front of 2834823 patrons). Anyway, Beard sees that she is seated right at the front window and runs outside, turns his back to her, and drops his pants, successfully mooning her. Although I was against the idea at first, the look on CWG's face was absolutely priceless. and something I wouldn't trade for the world.
So anyway our taxi home pulls up and we jumped in along with a few other people. After we were sitting in the cab for like 30 seconds, we witnessed another fight break out behind us and a bunch of cops ran in to break it up. To our surprise, our cab driver ran out of the cab as well...turns out the person getting arrested was her sister.
After about 20 minutes of watching our cab driver try to negotiate with the cops, she finally took us home. Kinda absurd night that escalated in the end...pretty proud of Beard for mooning a girl for me...not a lot of people can say that their friend mooned a girl for them. I still cannot get the look on her face out of my head, something like this emoticon: :O amazing.
Addition: I went out to eat with Beard and Mac this morning and we were explaining what happened to Mac. As we explained it, we overheard the table beside us explaining the same exact incident. To our surprise, the kids we shared the taxi with were seated at this table! This school is too damn small.
Anyway, the three of us went to Clubbar and I wound up making out with some random girl for a little while. Me and this girl were actually getting really close until something suddenly grabbed me from behind...it was fucking Tall! Tall swooped in and cockblocked me AGAIN and I proceeded to shit on her for like 20 minutes, saying how I thought she was ugly and only fucked her for the story etc. I did get to run into my girl again though and we made out again before the bar decided it was time for last call.
After last call, and the bar was closing, I realized that I had to take a piss, so we headed to the pizza place nearby. When we got outside, however, we learned that we had just missed what must have been an epic fight because there were 238482343 cops outside.
So we get to the pizza place and something tells me CWG is probably inside of it, so I'm weary and looking around trying to spot her. I get safely to the bathroom anyway and then return to see CWG standing directly behind Beard, so I tell him(her and Beard have never met) that CWG is behind him. CWG actually takes a seat right up against the front window of the pizza place(this is the same pizza place, for the record, that CWG and I got into that fight in and I wound up calling her a cunt in front of 2834823 patrons). Anyway, Beard sees that she is seated right at the front window and runs outside, turns his back to her, and drops his pants, successfully mooning her. Although I was against the idea at first, the look on CWG's face was absolutely priceless. and something I wouldn't trade for the world.
So anyway our taxi home pulls up and we jumped in along with a few other people. After we were sitting in the cab for like 30 seconds, we witnessed another fight break out behind us and a bunch of cops ran in to break it up. To our surprise, our cab driver ran out of the cab as well...turns out the person getting arrested was her sister.
After about 20 minutes of watching our cab driver try to negotiate with the cops, she finally took us home. Kinda absurd night that escalated in the end...pretty proud of Beard for mooning a girl for me...not a lot of people can say that their friend mooned a girl for them. I still cannot get the look on her face out of my head, something like this emoticon: :O amazing.
Addition: I went out to eat with Beard and Mac this morning and we were explaining what happened to Mac. As we explained it, we overheard the table beside us explaining the same exact incident. To our surprise, the kids we shared the taxi with were seated at this table! This school is too damn small.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Mikee and The Cougar
This will be a brief post while I wait for Mac to get out of the shower so I can take a long ass shit and brush my teeth but I just got home and had a very, lets say, interesting night.
Okay so I went out with Ben and New Zeland and CWG was visiting so I saw her for a little while, that is, until her tall ass cunt of a friend got mad at me(I'm still not entirely accepted amongst her friends because of the whole cunt thing) and started yelling at me, so I walked away and ran into Greg who told me to come with him to Clubbar.
So I'm in Clubbar and I'm pissed at Tallcunt but I started talking to some random girl sitting at the bar. Now I was pretty drunk, and I feel I had no way of knowing this, but said random girl was actually 45 years old. We're both getting drunker and drunker and I tell her about CWG and Tallcunt. She replies by saying I don't know how to make a girl orgasm...well, now I have to prove that I do. So at about 1am, we started walking to her house.
So I get up to her bedroom and there are all these pictures around of a cute young girl in a band uniform who, Cougar assures me, is her daughter. Now you know you're fucking someone too old for you when you would, and legally could, fuck their daughter.
Well anyway we get to fucking and she has that big child birthed vagina that I fucked regardless, and I guess I made her gasm but I'm not entirely certain. I know I came a few times, one time she swallowed it and another time she couldn't get down there quick enough, so she just kinda cleaned the cum/russian potato chips off my dick with her t-shirt...moms.
Anyway, after its all said and done, she gives me the best compliment ever:
Well there's no need to evaluate on why that's awesome.
So anyway morning comes and I wake up next to a cougar, who is snoring like there's no tomorrow, and I think "WTF did I do last night?"
Then Cougar starts talking to me about CWG, saying I should find a new girl. On top of this, she left the room to make a phonecall real quick and then returned, assuring me that she just broke up with her boyfriend. I didn't really think anything of this.
Then she asked me what year I was in school, I said "Super Senior," and she asked if I knew her daughter, as her daughter is a senior at the University. I looked at the picture again and slowly realized that her daughter does look familiar, but I'm not certain where I'd seen her before.
So anyway I get my ride home with the Cougar and I go upstairs to prepare for class. I head over to my class and while my teacher was talking about Keats or something, I was just seeing myself shove both my hands into the cougar's baby ridden vagina simultainiously. Then I headed to my second class, which is a bigger collection of non english majors and, well, I realized why Cougar's daughter looked so familiar...yep, she's in my class. This was the first time ever in my life that I could look at someone and think "Hey I had both my hands in your mom's vagina six hours ago."
Okay so I went out with Ben and New Zeland and CWG was visiting so I saw her for a little while, that is, until her tall ass cunt of a friend got mad at me(I'm still not entirely accepted amongst her friends because of the whole cunt thing) and started yelling at me, so I walked away and ran into Greg who told me to come with him to Clubbar.
So I'm in Clubbar and I'm pissed at Tallcunt but I started talking to some random girl sitting at the bar. Now I was pretty drunk, and I feel I had no way of knowing this, but said random girl was actually 45 years old. We're both getting drunker and drunker and I tell her about CWG and Tallcunt. She replies by saying I don't know how to make a girl orgasm...well, now I have to prove that I do. So at about 1am, we started walking to her house.
So I get up to her bedroom and there are all these pictures around of a cute young girl in a band uniform who, Cougar assures me, is her daughter. Now you know you're fucking someone too old for you when you would, and legally could, fuck their daughter.
Well anyway we get to fucking and she has that big child birthed vagina that I fucked regardless, and I guess I made her gasm but I'm not entirely certain. I know I came a few times, one time she swallowed it and another time she couldn't get down there quick enough, so she just kinda cleaned the cum/russian potato chips off my dick with her t-shirt...moms.
Anyway, after its all said and done, she gives me the best compliment ever:
"You have a really nice dick...like you should be a dick model."
Well there's no need to evaluate on why that's awesome.
So anyway morning comes and I wake up next to a cougar, who is snoring like there's no tomorrow, and I think "WTF did I do last night?"
Then Cougar starts talking to me about CWG, saying I should find a new girl. On top of this, she left the room to make a phonecall real quick and then returned, assuring me that she just broke up with her boyfriend. I didn't really think anything of this.
Then she asked me what year I was in school, I said "Super Senior," and she asked if I knew her daughter, as her daughter is a senior at the University. I looked at the picture again and slowly realized that her daughter does look familiar, but I'm not certain where I'd seen her before.
So anyway I get my ride home with the Cougar and I go upstairs to prepare for class. I head over to my class and while my teacher was talking about Keats or something, I was just seeing myself shove both my hands into the cougar's baby ridden vagina simultainiously. Then I headed to my second class, which is a bigger collection of non english majors and, well, I realized why Cougar's daughter looked so familiar...yep, she's in my class. This was the first time ever in my life that I could look at someone and think "Hey I had both my hands in your mom's vagina six hours ago."
Sunday, February 6, 2011
This School is Too Damn Small
So due to a technicality, Ben is back in school for 2 more semesters! He now lives with New Zealand a few blocks away from me so we get to hang out often. (New Zealand, who is now hooking up with RA's best friend).
I'm gonna sum up my Friday night real quick here. So Bff came up to visit, Jungle got sloppily intoxicated, some Spanish girl with no teeth named Florida tried to hit on me, and, oh yeah, Chantgirl was hanging out with us. So all night Chantgirl was grabbing my dick and trying to get me to acknowledge, and Ben was getting pissed at me for not pursuing her, however, if you remember Chantgirl, she does have a boyfriend who just got paroled. On top of that, she is 24 and doesn't go to school here, which, in all honesty, makes her a local, and means this boyfriend probably has local ties that could fuck my life up tremendously, so even though she is sexy as fuck, no thank you Chantgirl. But alcohol soon set in and I got me another blowjob anyway.
So last night George Costanza came up to visit and Ben decided he would throw a party at his house. I migrated over with Beard and Bigirl and we let the party begin, Beard spending the whole night being uncannily good at beerpong and uncannily shitty at kings.
So there was a large group of sophomore girls at the party and we were mingling with them. I have no clue what I said to this one girl but she kept insisting I was the funniest person she ever met and she kept migrating back over towards me and I kept fucking with her, saying she was creepy and whatnot. In the mean time, Beard was making progress with another girl and, finally, we convinced both of them to come back to our house.
The four of us left, walking through the streets of ice and melted ice, aka, ice and deep deep puddles. At one point, Beard's girl just fell and slid on her ass for like ten feet, it was hilarious. But anyway, we get back to the house and we all sit around in Beard's room and we start talking.
Now I'm not sure how this came up exactly but my girl suddenly heard Beard's real name and said:
"Wait, did you fuck Heather?"
Beard had no clue what she was talking about.
"...Heather with the teeth!"
Then I remembered! Heather with the teeth is the ugly ass girl Beard brought home in "The Racist Roommate," post, aka, the night I had to walk her racist bitch of a roommate home just so Beard could get laid. Might I also add in this story, the racist roommate kept insisting she was afraid of black people and, at one point, tripped over the curb and smashed her face into the pavement.
So anyway, the whole thing clicks and I stand up excitedly laughing at Beard, declaring "THAT WAS THE UGLY ASS GIRL YOU BROUGHT BACK HERE WHILE I HAD TO WALK HER RACIST BITCH OF A ROOMMATE HOME!!"
Everyone laughed, that is, except for Beard's girl, who waited for the laughing to stop, and calmly looked over at me: "So um, I'm a racist bitch?"
Well this hit me right away, The Racist Roommate was totally in my house right now and, not only did I totally not recognize her, I totally just called her a racist bitch! Thankfully she wasn't mad, mostly because "I was a very nice guy," but I did take this opportunity to point out her racism. I also realized that every time I had been walking somewhere with this girl she, somehow, busted her face on the pavement....clumsiest racist ever.
So I took my girl into the living room so Beard could be alone with The Racist Roommate but nothing happened there because he is not me so he doesn't have the uncanny ability to bang roommates. I made out with my girl a little but then they went home and we reveled in our absurd night.
I'm gonna sum up my Friday night real quick here. So Bff came up to visit, Jungle got sloppily intoxicated, some Spanish girl with no teeth named Florida tried to hit on me, and, oh yeah, Chantgirl was hanging out with us. So all night Chantgirl was grabbing my dick and trying to get me to acknowledge, and Ben was getting pissed at me for not pursuing her, however, if you remember Chantgirl, she does have a boyfriend who just got paroled. On top of that, she is 24 and doesn't go to school here, which, in all honesty, makes her a local, and means this boyfriend probably has local ties that could fuck my life up tremendously, so even though she is sexy as fuck, no thank you Chantgirl. But alcohol soon set in and I got me another blowjob anyway.
So last night George Costanza came up to visit and Ben decided he would throw a party at his house. I migrated over with Beard and Bigirl and we let the party begin, Beard spending the whole night being uncannily good at beerpong and uncannily shitty at kings.
So there was a large group of sophomore girls at the party and we were mingling with them. I have no clue what I said to this one girl but she kept insisting I was the funniest person she ever met and she kept migrating back over towards me and I kept fucking with her, saying she was creepy and whatnot. In the mean time, Beard was making progress with another girl and, finally, we convinced both of them to come back to our house.
The four of us left, walking through the streets of ice and melted ice, aka, ice and deep deep puddles. At one point, Beard's girl just fell and slid on her ass for like ten feet, it was hilarious. But anyway, we get back to the house and we all sit around in Beard's room and we start talking.
Now I'm not sure how this came up exactly but my girl suddenly heard Beard's real name and said:
"Wait, did you fuck Heather?"
Beard had no clue what she was talking about.
"...Heather with the teeth!"
Then I remembered! Heather with the teeth is the ugly ass girl Beard brought home in "The Racist Roommate," post, aka, the night I had to walk her racist bitch of a roommate home just so Beard could get laid. Might I also add in this story, the racist roommate kept insisting she was afraid of black people and, at one point, tripped over the curb and smashed her face into the pavement.
So anyway, the whole thing clicks and I stand up excitedly laughing at Beard, declaring "THAT WAS THE UGLY ASS GIRL YOU BROUGHT BACK HERE WHILE I HAD TO WALK HER RACIST BITCH OF A ROOMMATE HOME!!"
Everyone laughed, that is, except for Beard's girl, who waited for the laughing to stop, and calmly looked over at me: "So um, I'm a racist bitch?"
Well this hit me right away, The Racist Roommate was totally in my house right now and, not only did I totally not recognize her, I totally just called her a racist bitch! Thankfully she wasn't mad, mostly because "I was a very nice guy," but I did take this opportunity to point out her racism. I also realized that every time I had been walking somewhere with this girl she, somehow, busted her face on the pavement....clumsiest racist ever.
So I took my girl into the living room so Beard could be alone with The Racist Roommate but nothing happened there because he is not me so he doesn't have the uncanny ability to bang roommates. I made out with my girl a little but then they went home and we reveled in our absurd night.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
A Mikee Kinda New Year
Goodbye 2010, you were the greatest year of my life, hands down...beating out 2005 narrowly. I have also nominated myself for 2010's biggest douche in the Universe award, and I think I have a good chance of winning it.
So anyway, I brought in 2010 in my basement with my parents and uncles, also joined by Kyle, Joey, Joey's girlfriend, and her cute Russian friend...it was a cheap alternative to Tool Center and seeing the absurd douchebags I went to highschool with. I was not above bringing in 2011 the same way until I learned that Joey would be heading back to Miami before New Years, making this the first new years we didn't spend together(aww). I already knew Kyle wasn't into the bars, and wasn't about to spend it with just him and my family, so I talked to Andrew about plans.
Andrew and I settled on buying tickets to a bar that's about a half hour away, but easily accessible by train, and informed everyone else about these plans...The tickets were only 25 bucks and it was an open bar until midnight...which is actually an absurdly good deal in New York as it would usually cost about twenty to get in and then five bucks per beer from there.
So New Years Eve came and I drank briefly with my uncles in my basement until walking to Andrew's house...if I may add, I have not cut my hair since October, which all my NY friends who aren't Kyle and Joey have given me shit for as if you are a New Yorker, it is required to get your hair cut roughly twice a week. I've gotten by wearing hats in Pennsylvania but I already knew a hat probably wasn't gonna fly at this bar, so I went without, looking like a rugged manly surfer dude.
At Andrew's house we met up with Longarms, Stout, and Brittany....Brittany, for the record, and largely because of me, is now hooking up with Andrew(Andrew finally broke up with his ugly ginger girlfriend....her and Brittany used to be best friends...I really do love Andrew's doucheiness). After a little while, we took a taxi to the train station and bought our tickets to the town where the bar is.
So this is the train station, there are two platforms, one side of each takes you to Manhattan and the other side takes you out on Long Island. Because of the blizzard last week, there are no specifics offered regarding the train schedules currently, so we weren't entirely sure which of the platforms we belonged on. We had also arrived roughly 45 minutes early, and all I had brought with me was my long sleeved button down while everyone else had jackets and were constantly questioning how I wasn't cold. There were also a few other people on the platform, one being a random girl trying to get to Manhattan, who, upon seeing me, asked if I was Guatemalan...Like a douche, I, of course, said yes and she started telling me about her visit to what I just lied about being my home country. This lasted until Andrew, who had been standing with me the whole time, finally told her I was a lying douchebag and she promptly left.
So then anther group comes up onto the platform. In this group were Sprick, Pronk, Jegabombs, Bitter, and a few other people including Pronk's two sisters(twins) and their friend Jill, all of which we went to highschool with. They were all heading to the same place as us so we uniformly waited for the train together...that is until we saw a train go rumbling by the other platform, stopping for a second to pick up people, and then leaving in the direction we were going. About two minutes later it occurred to us that this was our train.
Now we are all standing around beneath the platforms trying to figure out what the fuck to do and how we're getting to the bar, as the next train wasn't set to come for an hour or so. Some time during this I had to pee badly and, seeing how there were a shit ton of cops around, I got an idea. I jumped into one of the elevators that takes you from beneath the platforms to the platform, rode it half way up, pulled the emergency break, and had my own private bathroom in the sky. When I finished I pushed in the emergency break only to find that the elevator wasn't going anywhere...this could have been really bad as I would be stuck in an elevator on new years eve with my own piss, slowly rolling towards my new sneakers...but thankfully it fixed itself and I was able to rejoin everyone else.
Then we saw a short bus pull up to the train station and drop a couple of people off...it was one of those buses that works for a hotel and usually takes people to and from the airport. Sprick got an idea and ran up to the driver to ask him a favor...he even took Jill with him and when the two of them returned we were informed that if we each give in ten bucks, we had a ride. Needless to say we all did, and we piled into this tiny ass bus, Sprick, Bitter, Jill, and I sharing the trunk...Jill essentially laying on the floor beneath us. After the half hour ride to the bar, we pulled up in style...in a short bus. Thankfully we all has tickets so we didn't have to wait on line, and were able to walk right in. Then I started heavily taking part in the open bar.
At one point I went up to the bar and befriended a British guy named Eric. He introduced me to his entourage of girls, one was Persian looking I believe, and I told her, drunkenly, that I was a famous stand up comic with a show next week that will be aired on television(drunk mikee lie). She believed every line of this bullshit and gave me her number, insisting I both get her good seats and reference her in my act, both of which I promised to do.
Then after a lot more beverages, the big ball dropped and everyone celebrated and we all got free Jagerbombs...that is not a lie. So now drunk and horny Mikee sets in and I'm walking around to complete strangers saying "happy new year," and going in for a kiss I either did or didn't get. I found one girl by the bar who was somewhat cute so we started talking. She asked me my age and I told her and then she responded by saying, "Wow you're a youngster." ...Turns out she was 32 years old, but it didn't deter me from buying her a shot anyway. Then DrunkMikee accidentally knocks his shot over onto the 32 year old, which prompts her shaved head friend(they were just friends, she assured me) to get into my face and try to start a fight with me. I was calmly avoiding him, drinking 32's shot in the process, all while 32 was trying to get him to calm down. Behind him, I noticed the bouncers ganging around us ready to kick us both out, and I think I lost my cool for a moment and said something threatening back to him, I don't entirely recall, but after 32 said something else, he apologized and bought me a shot, which prompted the bouncers to back off.
So 32 and I kept talking and we made out a little bit but then they both had to leave, so we kissed one more time, maybe exchanged numbers(I don't recall her name but I think I found a number that wasn't in my phone the previous night) and they left.
Then I saw the bouncers congregated in a corner so I approached to see what was going on. There was a highly intoxicated man passed out on the bar and, as I got closer to him, I realized this was my new British friend. I told the bouncers I knew him and I'd try to wake him up, so I did...but I'm pretty sure Eric was dead and after a few moments of no response from him, I merely left and let the bouncers take care of it.
Then Andrew and Brittany came up to me and assured me that our train was leaving, except DrunkMikee didn't wanna leave, so I stayed alone in the bar.
Its at about this point that I spotted Cashier.
Tangent time about Cashier:
Cashier went to high school with us but she was always quiet and didn't socialize too much. When we were seniors, we worked in the same food store where we became pretty close and actually started to talk a lot(her job in the food store was....Cashier!). After Andrew and I got fired, and Monotone eventually quit, Cashier remained working in the foodstore and she still works there. In recent years, she's pretty much become Ke$ha's persona in the song "Tick Tock," meaning that all she does is get drunk and party, which is pretty cool. She's not a bad looking girl, in my opinion, she is very typical Long Island however.
Also something else about Cashier is that she has an abundance of female friends who I've only met through her. Some of them are cute, and there was one I was trying to get her to hook me up with about two years ago named Susan. Lat night, however, marked the first time I was seeing Cashier in roughly two years.
So I spotted Cashier and we caught up briefly. We did some shots and I even made out with another girl, no clue who she was but I saw her hanging with the group a little bit, so I figure it was one of her friends. Then we started talking about how we would be getting home, so I said I could call my parents and I did...completely forgetting that we aren't in Tool Center, which is roughly 15 minutes away, but instead that we are in a completely different town that's a good 45 minute ride on New Years.
So now we're waiting for my parents to come pick us up and I get the drunk courage to tell Cashier that I always had a crush on her friend Susan. Cashier replies by pointing to one of the girls she was with and saying, "That Susan?" ...Turns out Susan had been in her group of girls the whole time and I totally didn't' recognize her, or say much to her at all for that matter, but Cashier was animate about us actually talking more some day so I'm optimistic.
So my parents finally arrive to drive us home and I walk up to the car with like 8 girls who all need rides home. Oh and one had her boyfriend with her...a kid with a mohawk and a cane who, as there weren't enough seats, shared a seat with me. Happy new year, I'm in my parents minivan sharing a seat with a kid who has a mohawk and a cane, and there are eight girls with us. Then I went home, ate a shit ton of food and passed out...Great way to bring in 2011.
PS...Cashier is very animite about my joining her and Susan tonight in Tool Center...I'm not going because I'm broke and like self cock-blocking.
So anyway, I brought in 2010 in my basement with my parents and uncles, also joined by Kyle, Joey, Joey's girlfriend, and her cute Russian friend...it was a cheap alternative to Tool Center and seeing the absurd douchebags I went to highschool with. I was not above bringing in 2011 the same way until I learned that Joey would be heading back to Miami before New Years, making this the first new years we didn't spend together(aww). I already knew Kyle wasn't into the bars, and wasn't about to spend it with just him and my family, so I talked to Andrew about plans.
Andrew and I settled on buying tickets to a bar that's about a half hour away, but easily accessible by train, and informed everyone else about these plans...The tickets were only 25 bucks and it was an open bar until midnight...which is actually an absurdly good deal in New York as it would usually cost about twenty to get in and then five bucks per beer from there.
So New Years Eve came and I drank briefly with my uncles in my basement until walking to Andrew's house...if I may add, I have not cut my hair since October, which all my NY friends who aren't Kyle and Joey have given me shit for as if you are a New Yorker, it is required to get your hair cut roughly twice a week. I've gotten by wearing hats in Pennsylvania but I already knew a hat probably wasn't gonna fly at this bar, so I went without, looking like a rugged manly surfer dude.
At Andrew's house we met up with Longarms, Stout, and Brittany....Brittany, for the record, and largely because of me, is now hooking up with Andrew(Andrew finally broke up with his ugly ginger girlfriend....her and Brittany used to be best friends...I really do love Andrew's doucheiness). After a little while, we took a taxi to the train station and bought our tickets to the town where the bar is.
So this is the train station, there are two platforms, one side of each takes you to Manhattan and the other side takes you out on Long Island. Because of the blizzard last week, there are no specifics offered regarding the train schedules currently, so we weren't entirely sure which of the platforms we belonged on. We had also arrived roughly 45 minutes early, and all I had brought with me was my long sleeved button down while everyone else had jackets and were constantly questioning how I wasn't cold. There were also a few other people on the platform, one being a random girl trying to get to Manhattan, who, upon seeing me, asked if I was Guatemalan...Like a douche, I, of course, said yes and she started telling me about her visit to what I just lied about being my home country. This lasted until Andrew, who had been standing with me the whole time, finally told her I was a lying douchebag and she promptly left.
So then anther group comes up onto the platform. In this group were Sprick, Pronk, Jegabombs, Bitter, and a few other people including Pronk's two sisters(twins) and their friend Jill, all of which we went to highschool with. They were all heading to the same place as us so we uniformly waited for the train together...that is until we saw a train go rumbling by the other platform, stopping for a second to pick up people, and then leaving in the direction we were going. About two minutes later it occurred to us that this was our train.
Now we are all standing around beneath the platforms trying to figure out what the fuck to do and how we're getting to the bar, as the next train wasn't set to come for an hour or so. Some time during this I had to pee badly and, seeing how there were a shit ton of cops around, I got an idea. I jumped into one of the elevators that takes you from beneath the platforms to the platform, rode it half way up, pulled the emergency break, and had my own private bathroom in the sky. When I finished I pushed in the emergency break only to find that the elevator wasn't going anywhere...this could have been really bad as I would be stuck in an elevator on new years eve with my own piss, slowly rolling towards my new sneakers...but thankfully it fixed itself and I was able to rejoin everyone else.
Then we saw a short bus pull up to the train station and drop a couple of people off...it was one of those buses that works for a hotel and usually takes people to and from the airport. Sprick got an idea and ran up to the driver to ask him a favor...he even took Jill with him and when the two of them returned we were informed that if we each give in ten bucks, we had a ride. Needless to say we all did, and we piled into this tiny ass bus, Sprick, Bitter, Jill, and I sharing the trunk...Jill essentially laying on the floor beneath us. After the half hour ride to the bar, we pulled up in style...in a short bus. Thankfully we all has tickets so we didn't have to wait on line, and were able to walk right in. Then I started heavily taking part in the open bar.
At one point I went up to the bar and befriended a British guy named Eric. He introduced me to his entourage of girls, one was Persian looking I believe, and I told her, drunkenly, that I was a famous stand up comic with a show next week that will be aired on television(drunk mikee lie). She believed every line of this bullshit and gave me her number, insisting I both get her good seats and reference her in my act, both of which I promised to do.
Then after a lot more beverages, the big ball dropped and everyone celebrated and we all got free Jagerbombs...that is not a lie. So now drunk and horny Mikee sets in and I'm walking around to complete strangers saying "happy new year," and going in for a kiss I either did or didn't get. I found one girl by the bar who was somewhat cute so we started talking. She asked me my age and I told her and then she responded by saying, "Wow you're a youngster." ...Turns out she was 32 years old, but it didn't deter me from buying her a shot anyway. Then DrunkMikee accidentally knocks his shot over onto the 32 year old, which prompts her shaved head friend(they were just friends, she assured me) to get into my face and try to start a fight with me. I was calmly avoiding him, drinking 32's shot in the process, all while 32 was trying to get him to calm down. Behind him, I noticed the bouncers ganging around us ready to kick us both out, and I think I lost my cool for a moment and said something threatening back to him, I don't entirely recall, but after 32 said something else, he apologized and bought me a shot, which prompted the bouncers to back off.
So 32 and I kept talking and we made out a little bit but then they both had to leave, so we kissed one more time, maybe exchanged numbers(I don't recall her name but I think I found a number that wasn't in my phone the previous night) and they left.
Then I saw the bouncers congregated in a corner so I approached to see what was going on. There was a highly intoxicated man passed out on the bar and, as I got closer to him, I realized this was my new British friend. I told the bouncers I knew him and I'd try to wake him up, so I did...but I'm pretty sure Eric was dead and after a few moments of no response from him, I merely left and let the bouncers take care of it.
Then Andrew and Brittany came up to me and assured me that our train was leaving, except DrunkMikee didn't wanna leave, so I stayed alone in the bar.
Its at about this point that I spotted Cashier.
Tangent time about Cashier:
Cashier went to high school with us but she was always quiet and didn't socialize too much. When we were seniors, we worked in the same food store where we became pretty close and actually started to talk a lot(her job in the food store was....Cashier!). After Andrew and I got fired, and Monotone eventually quit, Cashier remained working in the foodstore and she still works there. In recent years, she's pretty much become Ke$ha's persona in the song "Tick Tock," meaning that all she does is get drunk and party, which is pretty cool. She's not a bad looking girl, in my opinion, she is very typical Long Island however.
Also something else about Cashier is that she has an abundance of female friends who I've only met through her. Some of them are cute, and there was one I was trying to get her to hook me up with about two years ago named Susan. Lat night, however, marked the first time I was seeing Cashier in roughly two years.
So I spotted Cashier and we caught up briefly. We did some shots and I even made out with another girl, no clue who she was but I saw her hanging with the group a little bit, so I figure it was one of her friends. Then we started talking about how we would be getting home, so I said I could call my parents and I did...completely forgetting that we aren't in Tool Center, which is roughly 15 minutes away, but instead that we are in a completely different town that's a good 45 minute ride on New Years.
So now we're waiting for my parents to come pick us up and I get the drunk courage to tell Cashier that I always had a crush on her friend Susan. Cashier replies by pointing to one of the girls she was with and saying, "That Susan?" ...Turns out Susan had been in her group of girls the whole time and I totally didn't' recognize her, or say much to her at all for that matter, but Cashier was animate about us actually talking more some day so I'm optimistic.
So my parents finally arrive to drive us home and I walk up to the car with like 8 girls who all need rides home. Oh and one had her boyfriend with her...a kid with a mohawk and a cane who, as there weren't enough seats, shared a seat with me. Happy new year, I'm in my parents minivan sharing a seat with a kid who has a mohawk and a cane, and there are eight girls with us. Then I went home, ate a shit ton of food and passed out...Great way to bring in 2011.
PS...Cashier is very animite about my joining her and Susan tonight in Tool Center...I'm not going because I'm broke and like self cock-blocking.
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