Bethlehem

So I was originally planning to leave Pennsylvania on Saturday, but I was convinced by Georgia to stay another night. To give some background as to why Georgia and I have gotten this close, I think I've said before that she used to be married and it kinda creeps me out, well back in Georgia, her and her husband have "worked things out" where they are technically dating but seeing how they are each in different states, they are both free to fuck whoever they want. My intentions to get it in have really escalated our conversations.

Also aiding my desire to stay was Marcus. See, she was really cute, I thought, and we somehow got along pretty well. The problem was that, after getting ready for the night planning to maybe do something good with her, I learned that this was her last night in Pennsylvania before moving to Connecticut or some shit to start her post-college life. Now I know I'm not nearly tall enough for her but I'd hate myself for not trying.

So Georgia picked me up from my house and she insisted we drive down to Bethlehem for some intense, large ass music shit. She then proceeded to pick up Tall and Marcus and we started to drive to Bethlehem, drinking the whole way down. In the car, I disclose the comment I left to CWG and ask for advice on the apology, they all respond saying she deserved to be called a cunt because she was acting like a cunt...guess girls see things like this way differently.

So we arrive at this music thing, which is apparently a big deal because it strait up attracted like half of Pennsylvania. There are all these large ass parking lots with buses that take you to the festival, and we parked in one and waited for the bus. The crowd of people on the bus, I can only refer to as "Fedora City," since everyone seemed to be wearing fedoras.

So I took a seat next to Marcus and she began telling me about her life, as we drove past the abandon steel mill which was illuminated in all these different colors for some reason...it was actually pretty cool. Anyway she tells me about moving to some other state and we talk about our upbringings/ex's...Basically laying foundation for the pipe laying.

So anyway we arrived at the festival and I learned that Bff was actually there too, and I'm trying to give her directions to where we are so we can meet up. The problem is the festival is a never ending platoon of booths and stages and bridges and steel and shit, so no matter how we tried to decipher each other's locations, it was almost impossible.

So we went to this tent where this band was playing underneath and we took a seat, Marcus and I on one side and Tall and Georgia on the other.

Then Georgia got a phonecall from her husband/boyfriend and walked away to take it. In the mean time, this random ass girl just started dancing, like right in the middle of the aisle she started dancing nonstop. It was like she was on ecstasy, but I couldn't even compare it to that because she looked as white trash as possible, so I compare it to the Vietnamese girl in that chapter of "The Things They Carried" whose city was being destroyed by Tim O'Brien's platton but she was just dancing.

Anyway, Marcus thinks this is hilarious, and we're filming her with our phones. Then I look around and realize that she has attracted a crowd and everyone is filming her with their phones. Even a random old lady stops us and asks if we're filming her, thinking this is funny.

So anyway I gotta get up to take a piss and I walk to the porto-poties down the block. There about 84 poties set up in a row and there is a line of one person in front of each, so I jump behind someone and wait.

This fucker goes in to take a piss and literally takes like 20 minutes. So I turned around to whoever was behind me and said

"What did I get the guy shitting, or something?"

Well, unknown to me at the time, these were unisex poties and of course there is a 16 year old girl behind me on line who is not sure if she should laugh or be creeped out. Thankfully, the guy finished and I walked very fast inside to take my piss.

So on my way back I walked past another booth selling tickets and decided to buy ten more dollars worth so I could keep buying beer-you were only able to pay in tickets. So I went back to the bar, on my way to the tent, only to learn that it was 10:31 and the fucking bar closes at 10:30! So needless to say, I'm kinda pissed.

Then I return to the girls where Georgia is beyond upset. I ask what happened and Marcus tells me that she got into a fight with boyfriendhusband and whatever. Now keep in mind, it is very crowded, so we somehow have to split up into twos, Marcus and Tall, Georgia and me. I take Georgia over to a booth to try and spend my tickets and wind up having to purchase four smoothies, one for each of us!

So we find Tall and Marcus and they are talking to some guy they knew who was maybe 30. He starts telling a story about how a bouncer in one of the bars by us caught him fucking his girlfriend so he beat him over the head with a wine bottle, it was a great story and I felt pretty dim in comparison...no roided motherfucker ever hit me with a bottle. So I was pretty entertained, and felt bad because I didn't bring him a smoothie.

So anyway soon we have to say goodbye to older story guy and we walked back to where the bus was supposed to pick us up. Georgia and I are walking like arm in arm and shit and I mention to Marcus that I still had tickets, and she says that she knows people who will be back and can spend them. I give her the tickets in exchange for her buying me a beer or two when we go to the bar.

Then Georgia tells me that she is in a bad mood and will not go to the bar. I assume I can have a bar night with the other two though, only to learn that now they don't wanna go either. I figured that by the time we got back, it would be like 1:30 anyway, so it wasn't necessary...even though it meant Marcus would not repay me for the tickets.

Anyway we get onto the bus and I let Georgia read what I have typed out as an apology to CWG but she tells me again that I shouldn't apologise. I planned on apologising anyway, naturally.

So we get back to the car and I get to sit shotgun with Marcus behind me, and me being an asshole, I kept pushing the seat back into her. Then I had to listen as Marcus and Tall discussed, in great detail, guys...and it reminded me why I disliked hanging out with only girls. I kinda wanted to turn around and say "Hey who wants to fuck me!?"

So Georgia drove them both to Marcus's house and then drove me home. On our way to my house some car blew a red light and slammed into the back of us, which of course just made Georgia even more pissed off. I thought it was kinda interesting, giving our night a No Country type ending.

Anyway, after trading insurance information, we get to my driveway and I go in for a hug goodbye only to receive a kiss instead. Well, it doesn't take a genius to say:

"Hey wanna see what the inside of my house looks like?"

But she says no and to call her tomorrow. I didn't.

Update with CWG: I just had a conversation with Andrew about the word cunt, seeing how he treats his girlfriend like shit and has probably called her a cunt multiple times. While I was right, he has called her a cunt multiple times, he assured me that cunt is a good word and, upon hearing what led to the comment, agreed with the girls and said that she WAS actually a cunt. I still sent her the letter of apology.

So I think I'll remove the word "Cunt" from my vocabulary (Anyone expecting a glorious reunion with CWG will be let down)

So, finally having my car back and having some free time, I decided to drive up to Pennsylvania and stay in my house for the weekend. I had only been in my house once, I had only just found out that I had a bedroom in said house, so I was uncertain of exactly how the living situation would turn out.

It turned out to be pretty nice, the house was clean and despite complaints about electricity we had the whole place air conditioned. Even my room had my bed set up and shit, it was looking to be a pretty sweet weekend...That was until I realized that not only did I bring sheets too small for the bed, but I totally forgot everything I need to wash myself, so I had to be that awkward asshole who uses shampoo and soap that belongs to other people.

At the same time, I had planned on meeting up with CWG this weekend to do a whole bunch of shit to her heavenly vagina and what not, except I texted her a few times this week, reminding her of the "date" we had, and she did not reply to any of them. Then I saw her facebook status which said that she would be here, and naturally, that kinda pissed me off.

But I didn't do anything, I decided to not say a word to her, and I decided to not even talk to her if I saw her out, which is what you have to do when you wanna fuck somebody again.
So I had to drive to Walmart to get some shower shit yesterday and when I was leaving the parking lot, some guy in another car said something to me which I could not decipher. This got me paranoid and wondering if there was something wrong with my car, so I got out and inspected it. I think its okay, but I don't know.

So anyway there were a number of people around to hang out with, who were also visiting for the weekend, including Bff, Hn1, Tall, and Georgia. Tall and Georgia had me meet them at the bar, and Hn1 was driving down there anyway, so I had her pick me up, after pregamming a little, and we went to Sportsbar.

In Sportsbar, we met up with Tall, Georgia, and their friend, Marcus, who was actually a really cute girl, don't ask my why I called her Marcus, she just looks like a Marcus. Now they had dollar mixed drinks till Midnight, but there were two bartenders close to us, one of which was awesome and the other who sucked, so every time I wanted a drink, I had to flag down the awesome one or get ripped off having a vodka cranberry that was basically all cranberry.

So then Marcus started talking about some guy she saw who was "cute and tall," and I got mad at her asking why height was important. It kinda brought down my self esteem seeing how girls who actually think height means something are probably not into me.

Anyway, Bff arrives and goes to CBOS with her ghetto friends from home, but Georgia and I head over to Chillbar to get away from her "stalker." We talk a lot, catch up on some shit, and I tell her about CWG being a total C-word for no reason. Its about this time that I get a text from Bff saying CWG is in CBOS right now, which kinda pisses me off more. After a little while, Tall and Marcus join us and we keep drinking until the bar closes.

So we head outside to the pizza place where Bff meets up with us and we get on line so everyone can get pizza. Well, sure enough, there was CWG on line two people in front of me. Then, after ordering, she sees me and stops walking, and says hi, to which I don't say a single fucking word, and she continues to her table.

So I decide to approach her only to walk into the most awkward conversation of my life, with all her friends staring at me thinking I'm some creepy asshole whose never said a word to her in my life, so I just walked away mid conversation.

So I was still pissed off about CWG and we all went outside to where Georgia, Tall, and Marcus started to walk home. Before leaving, Tall starts making out with me again for some reason, and just like always, it doesn't mean shit to me.

So Bff comes back to my house with her ghetto friends and we hang out in my living room for a while. Its about now that, after talking about CWG, I decide to give her a pretty fucked up text:

"Seriously. That was fucked up. You're a fucking cunt.."

-Note, the final period at the end dictates that I actually hit the space button twice after the comment so it would print.

All Bff's ghetto friends thought this was hilarious, until I told them about how heavenly her vagina was. Suddenly I started to feel bad.

So the sun was rising, Bff and her friends headed home, and I started to walk upstairs, but I tripped and went head first into my wall leaving a large ass dent. I don't think its a big deal, there are a few holes in the walls, and my roommates didn't seem to notice, plus my head was okay.

If I may also point out, I have had the worse diarhea since last Sunday, I think maybe I should go to a doctor or something. I was seriously worried it may come out if I drank too much, but it did not.

So today I prepared a long ass note pad letter for CWG apologizing for calling her a cunt and whatnot-its amazing what I do for heavenly vaginas. It seems like you're not supposed to call a girl you're trying to fuck a cunt, but I did, so wish me luck on her reception of said letter, which I will send as a facebook message.

Update: Wow, apparently we are no longer facebook friends. Okay, we'll do that.

The Orthodox Jewish Girl

Last night, after having a few guys over my house for some drinking, I decided to meet up with Britney at a party in the next town. This was at about 3am and I had to walk it by myself, hammer drunk with a lip in my mouth.

As I'm walking up the street I'm supposed to turn off of, I see a bunch of cop lights in the distance, and when I reach them, it turns out some drunk asshole drove his car into a telephone pole. So I'm hammered and I gotta pee somewhere and I got a lip in my mouth, but I had to make sure I was on the right street, so I interrupted the cop's conversation to make sure I was right.

So I arrive at this house and this is the group of people in the backyard:

Douchenozzle-a douchebag whose ass I actually kicked like 4 years ago because he came to my house and stole Kyle's phone. The only reason I was accepting of him last night is because he gave me a shitload of free beer.
Britney
Ortho-A cute Orthodox Jewish girl
Owner-the owner of the house, a tall blonde with a decent body and a meh face
Travis-some guy Owner had just met and banged

So within like two minutes, Travis and Owner disappear to bang again and everyone else, against my decision, decides to play truth or dare. So Ortho asks me and I pick dare and she says I have to get naked and jump into bed with Travis and Owner. Well I did this and they thought it was funny. On my way back down from her bedroom, Ortho kept asking me if I was sleeping over and I told her I wasn't sure.

So now the sun is rising and Britney decides we should go to the beach. We pile into Owner's car, Britney driving, Douchenozzle in passenger's seat, and me and Travis in the back with Ortho on my lap and Owner on his. At this point, I'm pretty much assuming that I'm banging Ortho before the night is over.

Somehow we take a diversion and, instead of going to the beach, we go to Travis's house in bumblefuck. Travis has a pool so I ask him for a bathing suit, which turns out to be two sizes too small, and, under the assumption everyone was going swimming, I jump into the pool. Well I was the only one in the pool, although Ortho had been sitting on the edge with her feet in the pool but that is it.

So it is 7am, Owner and Travis are banging again in his bed, Douchenozzle has passed out in the passenger's seat of Owner's car, and I am in Travis's pool with Britney and Ortho hanging out in the yard watching me and eating muffins we found in Travis's kitchen.

So Ortho and I start talking:

Me: So, you're Jewish?
Ortho: Yeah
Me: That sucks
Ortho: Why?
Me: Because being Jewish definitely sucks, especially if you're like orthodox
Ortho: I am orthodox
Me: Wow, I feel bad for you
Ortho: Why?
Me: ...Do you watch Curb Your Enthusiasm?
Ortho: sometimes
Me: I was watching this episode where Larry pretended to be an Orthodox Jew and it just seems like it sucks


As if that wasn't offensive enough, I mean, telling someone their religion sucks, I then proceeded to ask her why Jewish people have to bury plates in their backyard if they mix meat and dairy, as I saw in said episode of Curb. She said that the dirt apparently washes away the anti-kosher-ness and I thought this was hilarious. After a few more back and fourths, I finally realized that offending someones religion is not the best way to get into their pants, and that I had cockblocked myself yet again.

So Ortho and Britney go inside so Ortho can change, and I ask her if she has to bury her clothes now, which she didn't think was as funny as I did. I climbed out of the pool, ate every remaining muffin, and started inside to where everyone was hanging out in Travis's room. Britney declared that she would go outside for her muffin but I told her I ate them all, and she got kinda mad.

Next thing I know, we were driving home. Oh and we found Douchenozzle passed out on some random front lawn. But it was nearing 8am and I was wide awake so I traded numbers with Ortho, I'll probably never bang her, and went home.

Oh and I think I should add, she is saved in my phone as "Nikki JEW."

Old Story: Parade Day 2009

So my school(ex-school) has a big day every year in April where everyone wakes up at 7am and starts drinking then goes to the bars and continues drinking. If I may also point out, drinking in public is not only accepted, it is encouraged, and there is a large parade that travels down the main street, past every bar, and right on to the next town that some people like to watch.

Now on the night before Parade Day 2009, Bruce, Hank, and I discussed our plans for the following morning: the three of us would sleep in the living room, ensure the others are awake, get into Bruce's car and drive to his girlfriend's house, which was located on the Main Street, to start drinking...We had to be secretive so George Costanza didn't come.

I recall waking up at about 6:30am and noting how Hank was the only other person awake. We were watching Seinfeld on TV and, in this episode, George Costanza(the character) was working at Playtime and his boss's name was Mr Kuger. At one point, Mr Kuger referred to his last name as "Kyoooooooga," comparing it to an "old-time horn." For some reason, Hank and I thought this was the funniest thing ever so all day we were yelling "Kyoooooooga" at people.

So we pulled off the plan without a hitch, got to the beer distributor at like 7:30am and got some beer, and we all went to Bruce's girlfriend's house where they had a plethora of liquor and beer. I was not aware, however, that Bruce's girlfriend had about ten friends, all of which were female, that would be spending the whole day with us too. Now, think about this, three guys, ten girls, that makes for a fun day of drinking!

So amongst these girls are Bruce's girlfriend, Shorty, Berries, Tubbytits, 65%(Bruce's girlfriend's roommate, I call her 65% because that seemed to be the amount of effort she consistently put into trying to look attractive. Had she put a little more effort into her appearance, she might have been hot), and 65%'s sister, visiting from another school, Kyooga(how she got that nickname will come up later in the story).

So we're all drinking on the street in front of the house, and ignoring calls from George Costanza, and we watch the parade with hardly any interest. Then we head to the bars and, keep in mind, its only like 2pm, and we're all kinda hammered.

So we stop by one bar where Hank and I take seats in a booth. Berries comes up and takes the seat next to me and, seemingly out of nowhere, we start making out(this was the first time I met her, much less, the first time we did anything). So then Berries tells me she has to go to the bathroom and leaves. Not a second passes before Kyooga takes the vacant seat beside me and, you guessed it, she also starts making out with me. Then Kyooga leaves, so I look to Hank and say:

"Dude, what the fuck? Who should I pick?"

We both agreed that, while Kyooga was the better looking of the two, Berries was the sluttier one so Berries would be more likely to fuck me that night. Plus Kyooga was hammered and most likely wasn't certain of what she was doing, so I, reluctantly, chose Berries over Kyooga.

Its like 5pm now and I'm still on an empty stomach and Bruce, Hank, Bruce's girlfriend, Berries, and I decide to head back to Bruce's girlfriend's house. So the second we get there, Bruce and his girlfriend disappear to her room and Hank, Berries, and I are hanging out in the living room. So I'm not sure how it started, but next thing I remember, Berries is giving me a handjob under a random blanket and Hank is totally aware of this and is just farting to fuck with us.

So I'm trying to get Berries to give me a blowjob but Berries doesn't want to, and obviously this isn't stopping my drunken attempts.

Then, all of a sudden, there is a knock on the door and we answer it to reveal...duh duh duh....Kyooga! And she is upset because she got into a fight with 65%. So, Hank is trying to cheer her up and I intervene and say:

"I know what will make you feel better!"

She asks what.

"KYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGA!"

And yeah, that worked.

So some time passes, and its getting dark out, and Berries is starting to chafe my dick so I yelled across the house to Kyooga:

"Hey, you wanna finish this?"

This pissed Berries off more and she insisted we were finished and started to pass out on the couch. Then, when Kyooga was coming to pass out in the living room, she decided to jump on top of me and try to share the couch with us, which I was down with, but Hank insisted she share his couch instead so she did.

So I asked Berries one more time if she'd suck my dick and she said no, so I got up, went to the bathroom and finished myself off into the toilet. I cleaned myself with the toilet paper, flushed it all down, and returned to the couch where Berries actually had the nerve to ask me if it was her turn now. I obviously said no.

So maybe about an hour passes and everyone is passed out, and I'm half asleep, half drunk on the couch when I hear Bruce's girlfriend get up to use the bathroom. I then hear her come into the living room and, before I write this conversation, allow me to say that, looking back, no one in the room probably had any clue what I was talking about or probably thought they were imagining it. Also, looking back, I figure she made this statement more as a precaution than a realization; There was probably nothing wrong with the toilet.

Well, Bruce's girlfriend comes into the room and announces:

"Just so you guys know, don't flush paper towels down the toilet, it will clog."

Well, half drunk half asleep me decides to answer:

"My load clogged the toilet? I'm the fucking man!"

...This was the first time my cum was accused of doing unusual things. The laptop incident would follow this two weeks later.

Monotone Turns 21!/How to get a Free Ride Home

So every weekday this summer, I've preformed the same basic routine: I have driven to Monotone's house, picked him up, and then went to work in a shitty guido highschool from 8am to 3pm. The only positive of such actions every day, besides a paycheck, is that Monotone and I got to plan his 21st birthday celebration.

Having never been before, he insisted we go to Tool Center, which is an area a few towns away with a four block radius of bars...some college bars, some old man bars, but no matter what night you go, shit is popping. I happen to hate Tool Center because, for one, it is expensive as FUCK and, being located on Long Island, there are always billions of Tools who all make me hate my background.

So its time to start pregamming for TC because Monotone has heard me bitching for a week about how expensive it is to go there sober, and he tells me to come by his house with beer. So I put on a red AE polo and a pair of shorts and walk up the block to his house...only to find that this fucker is wearing the same exact outfit. Long story short, I walked all the way back home and changed.

Now the group coming out with us is myself, Monotone, Andrew, Andrew's girlfriend, and two of Monotone's friends that are identical twin brothers: Slappy1 and Slappy2. I should probably point out now that the Slappys are not 21 yet, but they both have fakes.

So by the time Monotone's dad drives us to TC, we are all hammered beyond recognition. So we go to this big ass bar where we run into Butch and Pronk standing in the line to get in. We wait in line for a few minutes and I get in, Andrew gets in, Monotone gets in, and Slappy1 gets in but Slappy2 and Andrew's girlfriend do not. So they leave to go around the back and try the other door where they are promptly both denied again. Then Slappy1 gets an idea...this fucker goes outside, gets a stamp on his hand, switches IDs and shirts with his twin brother, and then they both return back inside. ...As for Andrew's girlfriend, he told her to just go home and she did...one thing I like about Andrew is the fact that he treats his ugly ass girlfriend like shit.

So the five of us are standing around in the bar and the Slappys decide to switch shirts back, right in front of the bouncer, who catches on and kicks them both out. Upon finding out that Butch and Pronk were going to another bar anyway, the remaining three of us decided to just leave and meet up with the Slappys.

So we get to another bar, one of these anti-hat places where you have to get obscenely dressed up to even be allowed inside, and it is full of Tools, naturally. I remember I had to go to the bathroom(yes, another bathroom incident) and the bathroom line is about 15 people long because there are only two urinals, therefore only two people use the room at a time. So I finally get inside only to find that both urinals are free and there is a tool in the bathroom fucking taking pictures of himself in the mirror...this fucker is actually holding up the line so he can take pictures of himself in the fucking bathroom mirror...this is why I hate Long Island. But I do feel slightly better in the fact that I was peeing in the background of one of the pictures.

So its getting late and Andrew and I go outside to see a group of people walking in the distance, and then suddenly one throws another through a glass window. This leads to a full on fight breaking out, seemingly 8 on 2, but the group of 2 hold their own. Then cops come and we decide to leave...the next day we learned that the 2 involved in the fight were actually Butch and Pronk, awesome.

So we decide to take a train home and, seeing how our town is only 1 stop away, we decide that we will not buy tickets...the worst they're gonna do is kick us off the train at the next stop. So we all sit on the train, Monotone and Slappy1 pretend to be sleeping, Andrew and Slappy2 hide in the bathroom, and I just sit there pretending to be on my phone. Then the conductor comes by asking for tickets and I say I don't have one, so he insists I buy one right there:

"How much are tickets?"
"eight dollars"
"...I don't have that kind of money! I thought we were supposed to pay when we arrived!"
"Then I'm gonna have to kick you off at the next stop."
"What is the next stop?"
"[name of hometown]"
"What? I've never even heard of that town! Is that in Queens?"
"No, its Long Island."

So now I pretend to call my mom on my phone saying:

"Hey mom, um, we don't have enough money to get home and the conductor says we have to get off the train in [town name], you think you can drive out here and pick us up?"

Well shit, it worked. However, as the train stopped, the conductor waited in front of the bathroom for Andrew and Slappy2 who, despite his efforts to apprehend them, bolted past the man and onto the platform. We all heard the conductor yelling at us as the doors closed.

Then we ran into a group of girls we went to highschool with that I haven't seen in a while. Now keep in mind, its like 4am, but we all split a cab and head back to my place anyway. I really don't remember much else but this morning my mom asked me "What school does [random girl from hs] go to?" and I asked her why she would even bring up such a name only to learn that I brought the girls back to my place too, and that we were all drunkenly hanging out with my mom for like twenty minutes. I told Monotone, saying that I didn't even remember her being in the cab with us and he replied "she was sitting on your lap." Then I got a text from her saying it was fun running into me and we should hang out more often...awesome.

So yeah, I actually had a pretty good time in Tool Center.

Old Story: "Actual Tanya Awesome and Cute"

So back in Fall 2009, Ben decided to have a huge party on the first Saturday of the semester and employed Hank and I to work the door/help him out in case someone got out of hand. We were expecting the party to be a bust, seeing how we didn't really have any connections to the younger kids who would usually attend such a random party, especially one this far away from school, but holy shit were we wrong.

This night also marked the first time I actually hung out with Bigirl outside of school, and I was hooking up with her at this time, so Hank and I arrived at Ben's house with Bigirl and Bigirl's roommate at the time, who I will refer to as "Grown-ass Lady(GAL)." I call her GAL because after hanging out with her a few times, I noticed that although she was only 20, she was essentially a grown ass lady who lived the life of, and had the mindset of, a 30 year old girl who was done having fun at college. Now Hank had decided that he would try and hook up with GAL, mostly because he was one of the best wingmen I ever had.

So the night starts off with just the four of us, Ben and Bruce at Ben's house playing beerpong. Bruce and I are, by far, the greatest beerpong team ever, and as we start winning our first three games against Ben and Hank, suddenly 200 freshmen show up ready for the first Saturday night house party of their collegiate lives. The catch is, we're still winning at beerpong, so I have no ability whatsoever to work the door seeing how we were doing so good.

I kid you not with this next fact. Bruce and I went 18-0 on the beerpong table that night before retiring to try and enjoy the party, myself to try and spend time with Bigirl. To qualify this, I was pretty drunk now but Bruce, who drinks like a champion every night of his life, was still relatively sober.

So when I meet back up with Bigirl, Hank, and GAL, GAL has met another kid who was fresh off the boat from New Zealand and had the greatest accent ever. Upon learning that I was hooking up with Bigirl, New Zealand took me to the side to ask for pointers on how to get with GAL. He says

"The problem is, I have a girlfriend...but I don't feel bad about cheating on her if its with an ugly girl."

So New Zealand becomes my wingman, but Bigirl feels sick and has to go home, so I get her a ride home with a friend of mine, and New Zealand leaves with her and GAL in order to get some action.

So then the night winds down and there are only a few people left, most of whom are hot girls. Ben and I jump onto the pong table to play against this team of two really hot girls, one sexy ass blonde and one cute brunette, who are both, for some reason, dirty at beerpong. After our game, which I don't remember winning or losing, I start talking with the two girls and tell them about "how many parties we plan on throwing," and get their numbers in return. It was great because I got both their numbers separately, so I entered the blonde in my phone as "Susan cute," and I entered the brunette in my phone as "Tanya awesome and cute."

So Tanya, who clearly is into me, asks me to call her number so that she has my number too. So I call her number and it rings and rings and rings and eventually I get an answering machine. So I ask her why and she looks at the number and says:

"Oh, my bad, I gave you my house number."

...Seriously? Who the fuck gives out their house number at a college party by accident? So she gives me her cell number and I save it under "Actual Tanya awesome and cute." Then we make out for a little, which was fun, and the two of them have to leave because their ride is here to pick them up. In the conversation, I learn that their ride is from a rugby buddy of mine and I tell them to tell him I said whats up.

So now I'll get to the purpose of this story, and that was what has occurred in the months to follow. I'm not 100% certain whether or not I ever saw Actual Tanya Awesome and Cute ever again because, for the life of me, I could not remember what she actually looked like...I regularly texted her every time Ben had a party, and even a few more times to hang out, and although she did reply and still seem interested, we never actually hung out again.

Then it occurred to me that there cannot possibly be that many girls in my school named Tanya, so she should not be that hard to find. It also occurred to me that one of the younging's girlfriends, who is in the same year that Tanya was, is also named Tanya. I actually got somewhat worried and began to wonder if this was Actual Tanya Awesome and Cute...and I had made out with the girlfriend of one of my new roommates before even actually "meeting" her. So one night, when hanging out with Younging's Tanya, I texted Actual Tanya to see if her phone beeped, but it did not.

I also got the idea to ask my rugby buddy about her and he successfully told me about Susan, but did not remember her friend Tanya at all.

As for New Zealand, he never hooked up with GAL again, but I run into him every once in a while and we discuss that night. He even showed me a text from her once, from about a month later:

"Can you please come over? I wanna suck your dick so bad."

It kinda made me wish I had an Australian accent, but whatever.

It has gotten to a point where if I meet someone named Tanya, I have the thought in the back of my mind that this might be her, and I want to ask her "hey so did we make out at a party once and then you gave me your house number by accident?" but that seemed creepy.

So Tanya, if you're out there, I am still interested...I just have no clue what the fuck you look like.

I Like Townie Bars.

I got a vast picture of my future last night when I met up with Britt(from "Mikee is an asshole") at a townie bar in the north part of my town. It was a comical bar seeing how there were two distinct groups of guests, the underage, since no one was id-ing, and the old-ass townies who, for the most part, all wore bandannas for some odd reason. There were no bouncers, "no smoking" signs all over, but people still smoked in the bar, two bartenders, and a door with no handle on the outside...the only way you could get in is to have someone inside open it for you.

So I walked to the bar, we all know I love walking places to get drunk, and I cannot get inside because the door has no handle, so I resort to calling Britt and telling her to let me in, which she does. Now for a bar with no feasible entrance, there sure are a lot of people here...amongst them is Monotone's older brother who recognizes me right away and we briefly catch up.

So I head over to Britt and meet up with her and her friends...keep in mind, I have not so much as seen any of her friends since highschool, so this is a big moment for all of them. Her friends are Bomb, Bomb2, and Babykiller. Bomb and Bomb2 are twin sisters who barely make it over five feet in height, and earned these nicknames because they essentially look like atomic bombs. Babykiller would be an attractive/cool girl if she didn't throw herself down a flight of stairs 6 years ago to kill the baby in her stomach. But I'm socializing with them none the less.

Then there is this guy there with half an arm, which isn't funny, but every time I looked at him he was doing funny ass shit with his nub. At one point, he was balancing a beer on it, at another he was air-guitaring with it, like come on, that's funny!

So anyway I start to walk towards the bathroom, but I have to walk past the girl's bathroom first where there is an unreasonably long line. As I'm walking past the girl's room, one girl breaks off the line and starts walking in front of me, and then once she reaches the men's room, she fucking goes inside. So my reaction is "WTF really?" Now I'm waiting outside of the men's room for a girl to stop peeing and there is a line behind me, right behind me is a fat Spanish guy. So the girl walks out and apologises and the fat Spanish guy starts to laugh. Then we each get inside to pee and the fat Spanish guy starts telling me a story about girls in the boys room, but I cannot decipher a word he is saying, so I'm just agreeing as if I knew what the fuck he was saying.

Then I find out its Monotone's brother's birthday so I buy him a jegabomb, which I am told is on the house because he is a regular. Then I proceed to buy beers for myself, Britt, and Babykiller and when the bartender sees me holding a fifty dollar bill in my hand, she tells me my beer is free. So I have to tell her I want 3 beers instead, complicating the whole free beer issue, and she gets two more and takes my fifty. But then she comes back with 52 dollars change...so basically the bar gave me two dollars and three free beers.

Then I remember I was outside with Monotone's brother who is hammered and this is funny because we call our friend Monotone because he has a deep monotone voice, and his brother does not, unless he is hammered. So I'm just laughing at every word Monotone's brother says and I, again, can't understand any of it. But then we head back inside and Montone's brother takes a seat at the bar, looks back to me and says "Good night!" and puts his head down on the bar surface to take a nap. Yes, he passed out on the bar and no one, repeat, no one attempted to wake him up for the rest of the night.

So soon Britt and her friends left and I walked home and passed out...felt good to go to a bar here that isn't full of tools where the bartenders do not understand how to make change for big bills and everyone over 30 wears bandannas.